Saturday, September 22, 2018

The Week In Tweets: Special Serena Williams Edition!

Success 101
You'll know you're successful the first time you hear someone brag that they knew you in high school.
Save The Whales!
Unless they taste good.
Expert: A person who may not have all the answers, but is sure he could get them with the proper funding.
I'm at an age where lunch tires me out.
Fake News Reports!
Colin Kaepernick Is The New Face Of Nike!
Congratulations, Nike.
You've just re-elected President Trump.
Fake News Reports!
Pastor Charles H. Ellis III GROPES Ariana Grande At Aretha Franklin's Funerals On LIVE TV!
And what did her fiancé Pete Davidson do?
He was too busy hiding behind Ann Coulter's mini-skirt.
My first marriage was like my ex at the gym...
It just didn't work out.
Fake News Reports!
Serena Williams LOSES Open Final In Controversial Match!
Accuses Chair Umpire Of Being Sexist!
"That's COMPLETELY untrue," the chair umpire defended himself. "I'm a RACIST."
Fake News Reports!
Detroit Food Truck Owner REFUSES To Serve Law Enforcement Officers!
"Hey, why am I being constantly robbed all of a sudden?" he wonders, now that all the cops are gone.
I hate saying I told you so.
That's a lie...
I LOVE saying I told you so.
The secret to my staying fit is my extensive long-distance jogging regimen.
Every day I run one lap around my ex.
Fake News Reports!
"Serena Williams! Serena Williams! Serena Williams! Serena Williams! Serena Williams!"
What about the girl who beat her?
Experts say that running will add three years to your life.
Unfortunately, those three years are spent running.
Fake News Reports!
Hurricane Florence Will Be DEVESTATING!
In other words, it will be just like every other hurricane that's ever happened.
"Uh, yeah."
My wife wants to buy our baby organic diapers.
I tell her our baby takes care of that herself.
Fake News Reports!
The Hannover Zoo in Germany is sending its last orangutan to Louisiana.
"We found out its name was Sid Rosenberg," they explained, sheepishly.
Tomorrow seems like a good day to stop procrastinating.
Success 101
When your work speaks for itself...
Don't interrupt.
I'm not saying my ex is ugly, but when an enchanted frog was going to ask her for a kiss, he settled for a handshake instead.
Real discipline is when you can pick strawberries without eating any.
A man's home is his castle.
But he's only in charge of cleaning the moats.
I'm multilingual.
I can borrow money in 14 different languages.
I'm the opposite of a hypochondriac.
Every time I get sick, I think it's nothing.
Tiger sharks need to make up their minds.
American Chimpanzee

Saturday, September 8, 2018

Lest You Think

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine 
Lest you think I consider my father a burden, I don't.
    It's just if all I wrote about were unicorns and rainbows, both you and I would be bored. Besides, I find everything my father does incredibly entertaining. Maybe not at the time, but, you know, when I look back. Now I understand the saying, "I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you." I'm not laughing at my father, because I'm just like him. I'm laughing with him, because I can see what the future has in store for me.
    Old age takes pity on no one.
    One of the reasons we bought this particular house is because it had a small guest house in the front where we knew my father could live and have his privacy. It was a way for him to keep his independence, yet let us keep an eye on him at the same time. In his home away from home he has his own TV with its own satellite signal. Now that I think about it, his TV gets more stations than mine does. He has a radio/CD player. Telephone. Refrigerated air. Heck, it sounds so good, I think I'm going to start living there.
    The problem is he likes to watch TV in the main house, and that forces everybody else to watch TV someplace else. While he's busy hogging the TV, he's also busy complaining our house is too cold.
    "Why don't you put on a sweater, dad?" my wife will ask him.
    "I don't want to wear a sweater."
    "But, if you're cold, a sweater might help warm you up."
    "The problem isn't that I'm cold, the problem is that the house is cold."
    So my wife will feel sorry for him, turn up the heat, and the rest of us have to suffer.
    "Pop," I've told him, sweating like a pig, "maybe you'd be more comfortable watching TV in your room."
    "I don’t think so."
    "You could watch what you want to watch."
    "I do that here."
    "You could have your house as warm as you want."
    "I don't know, it's pretty warm here. Except when it's cold."
    So what can I do? I sit in a hot house watching something on TV that doesn't particularly entertain me, and, man, I hate the heat. I try to avoid it like it was the police. You can dress for the cold. You can put on a sweater, you can wear a scarf, but there's nothing you can do about the heat. When it's hot, it's just hot.
    The times I beat my father to the TV, he'll come in, sit down, and watch for a bit. Then he'll look at me, and then back at the TV. At me, then the TV. Me. The TV.
    "There's not a baseball game on?" he'll ask no one in particular.
    He knows perfectly well there's a baseball game on. In fact, we pay extra for an entire channel devoted to nothing but baseball games for him. So, at any given time, my father can watch one if he wants to...  and he always wants to.
    "This show's pretty good, pop. You should give it a chance."
    "Oh, okay," he’ll say.  And he'll watch. For awhile. Then he'll look at me, and then back at the TV. At me, then the TV. Me. The TV.
    "There's not a baseball game on?"
    My wife will eventually feel sorry enough for him to change the channel from whatever it is I'm watching.
    "Can you also turn up the heat?" he'll ask her. "It's too cold in here."
    Once again, I can't watch my programs. I think he pretends to watch baseball on the outside, and laughs at me on the inside.
    "Heh, heh, heh," he laughs to himself. "Heh, heh, heh."
    Trust me, I understand why my father prefers watching baseball. He's hard of hearing, so it's difficult for him to follow the stories on the programs I watch. Baseball, he understands, and when he can't hear the color commentators, he makes it up himself.
    "You know," he'll say, in between chewing on the snacks my lovely wife provides. Smack, smack, smack. "These games are fixed."
    "Are they, pop?"
    "Yeah--smack, smack--fixed. I don't even know why I watch them."
    “I don’t either.”
    The bases might be loaded, and the batter will hit a home run.
    "See?  I knew he was going to hit a home run. I had that feeling--smack, smack, smack--the games are fixed--smack--I knew they were going to win the game."
    "Did you, pop?"
    "Ahhh, yeah. They're all fixed so the owners can make more money." He'll laugh, and shake his head a bit. "I don't know, I don't know. How else can you explain their scoring four runs and winning?"
    "Maybe the batter just hit a home run, pop. I mean, somebody has to win."
    "Nah, they're fixed. How else can you explain it?"
    By this time my wife will have already gone upstairs to bed.
    "Goodnight, pop," I'll tell him.
    "Huh… ahh... wha?"
    "I'm going to bed, pop. Can you turn off the TV and lights before you go to bed?"
    "Sure, son. Don't worry."
    And then, sometime in the middle of the night, I'll wake up, go check the locks, and find the TV, the lights, and the heater all on. The door leading out of our house and to his will be unlocked, and my father will be in his room. Sleeping like a baby. He knows how to turn everything off, but for some reason he won't do it.
    Maybe that's his way of paying me back for not letting him watch baseball.
Lest you think I’ve forgotten, you can find more nonsense at,, and @JimDuchene.
American Chimpanzee

Sunday, September 2, 2018

The Week In Tweets: Special Double-RIP Edition!

Success 101:
An ounce of gold cannot buy a second of time.
Things That Make Me Go Hmm...
Why aren't there any FAT vampires?
Economist: Someone who doesn't have the personality to be an accountant.
A galss of wine at night may decrease the risk of heart attacks, but it INCRREASES the risk of pregnancy.
I may look like a frog, but I'm really an enchanted prince. You can break the spell... giving me your credit card number.
Sports Fan: Someone who yells at an athlete for being an idiot, and then can't find his own car in the parking lot after the game.
I've eaten so much I can't move.
Not that I planned to.
Things That Make Me Go Hmm...
You know what I never see?
I never see a fat guy who's old.
The Good Old Days
A time when my hair had more body, and my body had less hair.
American Chimpanzee