Saturday, May 26, 2018

The Week In Tweets: Special Scrotie McBoogerballs Edition!

Hollywood Confidential
The writers confess in their new Star Wars movie Solo, that the flirty Lando Calrissian is GAY!
"It's always the black guy," laments the NAACP.
Hollywood Confidential
The writers confess in their new Star Wars movie Solo, that the flirty Lando Calrissian is GAY!
"Not that there's anything wrong with that," jokes Jerry Seinfeld, to canned laughter.
Hollywood Confidential
The writers confess that the flirty Lando Calrissian in their new Solo movie is GAY, causing George Lucas to roll over in his grave.
"But I'm not dead," the Star Wars creator insists.
"Oh, you will be," says a cryptic Yoda. "You will be,"
I just heard Meghan Markle was one of the original Deal Or No Deal briefcase models on NBC. Ever hear of her?
I think she was in the news recently.
"Do you hear 'Yanny' or 'Laurel'? Because what I hear is 'Kill the phonies!'"
--Holden Caulfield
Did you hear?
Meghan Markle was one of the original briefcase models on NBC's hit game show Deal Or No Deal!
Not her, the other one.
Is it just me, or are the Kardashians starting to look like space aliens pretending to be human?
This Just In!
Khalid Wins Billboards "Best New Artist" Award!
I know you're a DJ, and I've seen you perform, but I still don't know just what it is you do.
"Neither do I," he admits.
Last year a giant sinkhole opened up at Mira Lago.
This year, two giant sinkholes open up at the White House.
"I'll get you yet!" swears Satan.
This Just In!
The legendary 7'1" Basketball Player Shaquille O'Neal Is Selling His 31,000 Square Foot Mansion in Orlando, Florida for 28 MILLION Dollars! The only problem is...
It smells like a 7'1" basketball player.
American Chimpanzee

Sunday, May 20, 2018

The Week In Tweets: Special Royal Wedding Edition!

Oh, Man!
I overslept and MISSED the Royal Wedding!
I never would have woken up if Queen Elizabeth hadn't snuck into my bed.
One of the many celebrities at the Royal Wedding was George Clooney and his lovely wife, Ralph.
"I didn't know you knew George," I asked Prince Harry.
"I've never met him before in my life!"
Touchingly, Meghan Markle invited some of her cast mates from her hit TV show Suits to the Royal Wedding.
And they did a fine job making sure the royal toilets didn't back up.
My favorite James Bond, the very elderly Sean Connery, made a brief appearance at the Royal Wedding.
"Who are these people?" he said, congratulating the royal family. "What am I doing here?"
"Blofeld! I'll get you yet!"
The geriatric Elton John canceled two performances in Las Vegas to be at the Royal Wedding, even though he wasn't invited. There's a lot of things you could say about the cranky singer...
All of them bad.
What a great time I had at the Royal Wedding. The Dollar Dance was fun, but particularly disappointing cash-wise.
Hollywood celebrities are CHEAP!
The Royal Wedding over, I was sad on my way to the airport.
"Don't leave me!" cried Queen Elizabeth, as she ran after me down The Long Walk.
Imagine my surprise when I opened the overhead bin in the plane taking me home and found her hiding there.
American Chimpanzee

Friday, May 18, 2018

The Week In Tweets: Special Royal Shocker Edition!

Royal Shocker!
The guest list to the Royal Wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle has officially been released and guess who's not invited?
Harry's MOTHER!
This Just In!
In a failed attempt to arm Syrian Rebels, President Obama mistakenly armed Al Qaeda instead with U.S. Military weapons and ammo!
"Hey! Did you see what President Trump just tweeted?" deflected Fake News.
 Royal Shocker!
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle ADMIT...
...they're ALREADY having SEX!
This Just In!
In Los Angeles!
Are Skyrocketing!
And It's Due To RACISM!
According to the LA Times.
"It's either that or President Trump," Fake News reports.
Why do I get the feeling the Olympic sport of Curling was invented by an Eskimo woman who wanted to get her husband to sweep out the igloo?
This Just In!
El Paso City Council Okays $274,000 Payout To City Attorney Sylvia Borunda Firth!
"What the heck. It's not OUR money," a local politician admits.
Royal Shocker!
Although they've been living together for months, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle will spend the night before their wedding APART!
"I just wanted him to get used to life as a married man," the future princess explained.
This Just In!
Detroit police search for the remains of up to SEVEN murdered girls!
How do the fine ladies of N.O.W. justify their silence and disinterest?
"We see it as a very late-term abortion," they yawn, explainingly.
 This Just In!
Congo has agreed to allow the World Health Organization to use an experimental Ebola vaccine to combat an outbreak of that deadly virus.
"We finally bribed the right African officials," said the W.H.O. director-general.
Please Help...
For the price of one cup of coffee a day, you can buy one of the lesser fortunates once cup of coffee a day.
--The Starbucks Foundation
This Just In!
Detroit police search for the remains of up to SEVEN murdered girls!
"How can we blame this on President Trump?" Fake News wonders.
 Royal Shocker!
With her father unable to attend the Royal Wedding due to health issues, who will walk Prince Harry's future princess Meghan Markle down the aisle? None other than...
Macho Man Randy Savage!
Royal Shocker!
Turned away at the airport, Kim Kardashian, JayZ, Beyoncé, and Jared from Subway demand to know, "Why weren't we invited to the Royal Wedding?
"Because we're not white trash," Queen Elizabeth dryly explained.
A lot happened this week, but most of it was not my fault.
American Chimpanzee

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

The Week In Tweets: Special Righteous Indignation Tweets!

Black Panther!