The Week In Tweets: Special Where's Corn Pop? Edition!

 Fake News Reports!

Stressed And Exhausted From Severe Staff Shortages As Coronavirus Numbers Surge, New Mexico Nurses Are Calling It Quits!

“OnlyFans is banning pornography?” a spokesperson said on Sunday. “We’ll be back to work on Monday.”

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General Michael Hayden, In A Juvenile-Seeming Mean-Girl Retweet, Called Trump Supporters “America’s” Taliban!

When asked for a comment, the former CIA Director responded, “Nanny, nanny, boo-boo!”

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Following His Resignation, Governor Cuomo Is Desperate To Dump His Dog On Someone So He Can Go On Vacation!

“Next stop: Epstein Island!” the disgraced New York politician said. “Choo-Choo!”

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On Her Asian Trip, Kamala Harris Admits China Continues To “Coerce” And “Intimidate” While Threatening “The Sovereignty Of Nations”!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

She AGREES with Trump!

CANCEL HER!

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Sometimes success means you just didn’t get caught cheating.

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When we got married my wife assured me there would be no need for any bosses in our house…

…so long as I did as I was told.

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When I throw a party I like to give a prize to the first couple to go home.

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I tried fishwatching once.

Almost drowned.

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The Television Academy Takes Back Its Made-Up Emmy From Disgraced New York Governor Andrew Cuomo!

Is it because of the sexual harassment allegations leveled against him?

“No, it’s just that after we sobered up we realized he really wasn’t all that good.”

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After The Kabul Suicide Bombing, Joe Biden Orders Plans To Retaliate Against ISIS Leadership!

“And I’m giving them plenty of notice so they can go somewhere safe before we do.”

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This Just In!

Just Days Away From His Recall Election, Governor Gavin Newsom Gives His Personal Guarantee That Every Single Californian Trapped In Afghanistan Will...

"...somehow, someway receive their mail-in ballot."

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Joe Biden Gives Taliban List Of “American Citizens, Green Card Holders, & Afghan Allies” Who Needed Safe Passage To The Airport In Kabul.

In other words, he gave them a list of potential hostages.

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In Yesterday’s Speech, Joe Biden Promised To Hunt Down The Terrorists Responsible For Bombing The Kabul Airport!

Great… the team who botched the Afghanistan withdrawal are now in charge of making ISIS pay.

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It was dark days for Joe Biden. Border crisis. Inflation crisis. Afghanistan crisis. And now the terrorist bombing at the Kabul airport.

   Suddenly, he had a thought.

“By any chance, Milley, does the Taliban leader go by the name of Corn Pop?”

“No, Mr. President,” the General assured him.

“Thank goodness,” Biden said, breathing out a sigh of relief. “For a second there, I thought I was in trouble.”

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Jim Duchene

Fake News Chief Correspondent

 

read my RaisingDad humor column for caregivers at Desert Exposure Magazine

desertexposure.com

    

 

American Chimpanzee

JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com

RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com

@JimDuchene

  

The Week In Tweets: Special Afghanistan Edition!

 Fake News Reports!

THIS JUST IN!

   As Afghanistan Falls To The Taliban, The Nobel Committee Nominates Joe Biden To Receive Their Prestigious Peace Prize…

“…for not being Trump.”

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In A Determined Response To The Taliban’s Violent Takeover Of Afghanistan, The UN Security Council Immediately Convened An Emergency Meeting This Monday Morning And Demanded To Know…

“Where’s the champagne and caviar we were promised?”

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With The Taliban’s Takeover Of Afghanistan, President Ashraf Ghani Relinquishes His Office And Promises A Peaceful Transition Of Power!

“I’ll just take the millions of American dollars I stole and go,” he stated, stuffing the silverware into his pockets.

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With Joe Biden’s Foreign Policy Crumbling In His Hands Due To His Handing Over Afghanistan To The Taliban, The Fake News Media Demands To Know…

“…what flavor of ice cream will you be eating today?”

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US Secretary Of State Antony Blinken Defends Joe Biden’s Sudden Withdrawal Of American Troops From Afghanistan Because…

“…what the heck else can I do?”

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I don’t ask for perfection.

   Just a little less imperfection

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Following The Bloody Takeover Of Afghanistan, The Taliban Has Announced They Will Guarantee Afghan Women’s Rights Under The “Limits Of Islam” Because…

   “…the world will believe anything.”

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After The Fall Of Afghanistan, CNN Reporter Clarissa Ward Donned A Burka, Stood With Taliban Fighters In The Streets Of Kabul, And Reported That “They Seem Friendly” And Had A “Welcoming Spirit”!

Her funeral will be held as soon as her body can be located.

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Once Upon A Time In An American Hospital:

   “Before we can admit you we have to know whether or not you’ve been vaccinated for the coronavirus so we can determine how to treat you.”

“I’m unvaccinated, doctor.”

“Get the heck out of my hospital.”

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I believe in charity and giving back to the community.

   Whenever I see people who are down on their luck, I’ll always try to give them a buck, but they don’t usually have change for a fifty.

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My wife doesn’t understand that my having nothing to do isn’t the same as my wanting something to do.

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San Francisco Bay Area Company LQ Digital Is Moving To Downtown Albuquerque In October With At Least 30 Employees On Board!

   “California?” an LQ Digital spokesman said. “We can’t get out of that sinking ship  fast enough.”

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OnlyFans Bans Pornography From Its Social Media Site In A Desperate Attempt To Go Broke.

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Of course you’re entitled to your own opinion.

I just don’t want to hear it is all.

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Jim Duchene

Fake News Chief Correspondent

 

American Chimpanzee

JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com

RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com

@JimDuchene

  

The Week In Tweets: Special Menthol Edition!

 Fake News Reports!

Obama’s Birthday Party A Huge Success With Only Sophisticated Liberals Invited To Celebrate Inside A Tent Put Up Just Outside Of His Mansion!

“You don’t think we want THOSE kinds of people inside of OUR house, do you?” an irritated Michelle explained.

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Subway Hires Controversial Soccer Player Megan Rapinoe As Their Celebrity Spokesperson Because…

“We were looking for a way to lose half our customers.”

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Subway Hires Controversial Soccer Player Megan Rapinoe As Their Celebrity Spokesperson Because…

“We just didn’t learn our lesson with Jared.”

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The NEA, The Nation’s Largest Teachers Union, Sues Nichole Solas For Wanting To Know What Her School District Is Teaching Her Child About Critical Race Theory!

“Hey, what’s THAT?” the ACLU says, pointing out the window just before sneaking out the back.

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THIS JUST IN!

The Containment Of Hot Air In Mass Mask-Wearing Has Been Determined To Have Caused A DECREASE In Global Warming!

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Romal Noori Risked His Life Helping The American Soldiers Who Are Leaving Him Behind In Afghanistan!

What?

Fake New’s revealing of this hero’s name may mean certain death from the Taliban?

Oops.

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THIS JUST IN!

Trump Vaccine Now Available In Menthol!

  

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Jim Duchene

Fake News Chief Correspondent

 

  

American Chimpanzee

JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com

RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com

@JimDuchene

The Week In Tweets: Special Hollywood Celebrities Edition!

 Fake News Reports!

My wife told me we needed to get on a diet.

“By ‘we,’ you mean ‘me,’” I observed.

“I knew you’d understand,” she said.

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Rachel Gudgel—A Top Legislative Aide In New Mexico—Issues A Sincere Apology To Native Americans!

“…for something I didn’t do in a time when I wasn’t born.”

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Chinese Leader Xi Jinping Defends China’s Uighur Holocaust!

“It’s not our fault they’re so delicious,” he explains.

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One thing you can say about me is I’m always on a roll. 

But why does it always have to be downhill?

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My car broke down about 20 miles from my house.

I wanted to get it home, but my wife got tired of pushing.

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I’m not saying my gambling’s gotten out of control, but I lost ten grand this morning just for waking up.

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I’m not saying my gambling’s out of control, but I have three children.

   I lost the forth when Simone Biles dropped out of the Olympics.

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I hitchhiked once when I was a kid because I wanted to see this country.

You can’t see much from the trunk of a car.

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I don’t care what ANYBODY says, I just don’t feel safe going back to my teaching job.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to catch a flight to Vegas.

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Hollywood Celebrities Pour Out Of The Closet To Warn The Public They Won’t Hang Out With People Who Aren’t Vaccinated!

“Not that we were going to hang out with you anyway,” Jennifer Aniston affirmed, making her smoochy face.

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Jim Duchene

Fake News Chief Correspondent

 

American Chimpanzee

JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com

RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com

@JimDuchene

Bad Math, Bad Day

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine 

My five-year-old granddaughter came up with a math theorem, and it’s elegant in its simplicity:

10 = 10.

     I was playfully showing her math equations on my phone’s calculator, mainly showing her ridiculously long numbers and adding them together, when she took the calculator from my hand and taught me an important lesson: Everything equals itself.

     It’s an obvious concept, but not one that I’ve ever seen or heard expressed before. It was an original idea, and I’m a sucker for original ideas.

     The brilliance of the smile on her face showed just how proud she was of her equation.

    On the other hand, my elderly father has lost all concept of numbers, particularly the value of money.

     When I take him to the doctor, the receptionist will say, “Your co-pay is...”

     “Pay it,” he’ll tell me.

     They must not teach math in schools these days.

     Or, if they do, it must be a kind of bad math.

     Two plus two equals four if you’re a racing enthusiast, and five if you’re not.

     I'm being unfair, I know. Teaching is a two-way street. There's the teaching part, and there's the learning part. You could have Einstein as your teacher, but if you refuse to learn, then you might as well have him choose your hairstyle.

     Myself, I was great at math. Until I got to seventh grade, that is. The teacher was an older gentleman. By older, I mean his birth certificate was a rock. His name was Mr. McKee, but we called him Mr. Magoo, and learned pretty quickly you could get straight Fs on all your assignments and still get a C on your report card. My parents were satisfied with a C. Not happy, but satisfied.

     I got so far behind it was all I could do to pass my high school math requirements. Funny, but now I read books about math for fun. Innumeracy by John Allen Paulos got me started. How Not To Be Wrong by Jordan Ellenberg and Things To Make And Do In The Fourth Dimension by Matt Parker are two of my favorites*. I wrote a column on that last book in the June 2016 edition of Desert Exposure, back when this column was called Random Acts Of Nonsense. Have my math skills improved any since then? Not really. But neither has anyone else’s.

     I was at a restaurant the other day. Once a week I buy my father enchiladas for dinner. The total was $9.73. I handed the cashier a ten. As she put the bill in the cash drawer, I handed her 73 cents. She looked unsure for a second, put the coins in the drawer, and then handed me back 27 cents. I didn't take it.

     "It’s a dollar," I told her.

     "What?" she said.

     "I should get a dollar back."

     "The total was $9.73," she told me.

     "Yes," I told her back, "but I gave you a 10-dollar bill and then 73 cents in change."

     She tried to remember. She looked at the register for help. It didn't give her any, so I stepped in.

     "I gave you a 10-dollar bill and then 73 cents in change," I explained, "so I should get a dollar back."

     She wasn't convinced.

     "I first gave you a ten," I re-explained, "and then handed you 73 cents, so my change is a dollar."

     The problem was, she let the cash register do the math for her. The total was $9.73. When I handed over the ten, that's what she entered into the machine. Even though I handed over an additional 73 cents, the magic box told her she owed me 27 cents.

     She finally handed me a dollar, but I think she was just tired of arguing. Did I think she was trying to cheat me? Over 73 cents? Not really. She just depended on the cash register for too long.

     She was surprised when I gave her a 5-dollar tip, especially on a to-go order, but times have been hard. The waitresses here are sweet and the food is good. It's the least I could do.

     From there, I drove to a fast food joint. I lost the sleeve to a gift card I had and wanted to get another. I'm funny that way. There was no dine-in eating, so I had to wait behind several cars before I could make it to the drive-through speaker. 

     "Rack-dack-ork?" the speaker said.

     "Excuse me?" I answered. 

     "May I help you?" the speaker repeated, this time in English.

     "Yes," I said. "Your dine-in is closed and I need to get a sleeve for a gift card I have."

     "Yes," the speaker said, "our dine-in is closed. May I help you?"

     "I lost the sleeve to a gift card and wanted to get another."

     "A sleeve?"

     "Yes."

     "What's a sleeve?"

     "It's the envelope gift cards come in."

     "Oh, you don't need an envelope," she told me. "All you need is the gift card. It has a little magnetic strip on the back that we scan."

     Oh. 

     Now I'M the stupid one.

     "I bought this card as a gift," I explained to her, "and lost the sleeve it came in. I’d like to get another one."

     "Another one?"

     "Yes. So I can write who it's for and the amount."

     "We don't have envelopes for the gift cards."

     "You don't?"

     "No, sir."

     "That's funny because, when I bought the card, they gave me one with it."

     "They did?" the speaker said, caught in a lie. "I don't know what to tell you, sir. We don't have envelopes for our gift cards."

     "Thanks for your trouble," I told the speaker.

     I've learned in life it's easier to be polite.

     There's a better chance you'll make the offending speaker feel bad.

     So I drove away. Kind of irritated, but what could I do?

     I needed gas. 

     There's a convenience store I go to that has the best prices. I can understand why the price of gasoline fluctuates on a daily basis, but I don't know why it fluctuates from gas station to gas station.

     I pulled up to the pumps. Got out of my car. Pulled the debit card out of my wallet the way a magician pulls a rabbit out of his hat. Swiped it through the slot. It didn't work. "See cashier," the screen told me.

     I got into my car and drove away,

     If I wanted to see the cashier I wouldn’t have used my debit card.

  

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*Check out “The Universe In Your Hand” by Christophe Galfard.

theduchenebrothers@gmail.com

@JimDuchene