Friday, January 31, 2014

The Week In Tweets: Special State-Of-The-Union Edition

There are THOUSANDS... 

There are THOUSANDS of tickets still available to the Super Bowl.
Which gives the Dallas Cowboys a shot at going to the Super Bowl after all.
This Just In!
Justin Bieber!
With assault!
Nothing says you're tough like sucker-punching an elderly, over-weight limousine driver from behind.
Anybody else notice that Justin Bieber seems to enjoy wearing his mother's over-sized sunglasses?
President Johnson's 5O-year War On Poverty is a success!
It improved the lives of the government employees hired/elected to wage that war.
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie:
''I'm not a bully. And if anybody says otherwise... I'LL KICK THEIR ASS!"
Bill Murray claims he ''had a hilarious experience'' with the Garfield movie.
Well, I'm glad to hear SOMEBODY did.
Is it just me or does Kim Kardashian seem to be wearing an almost but not quite life-like Kim Kardashian mask these days?
It's the 5Oth anniversary of President Lyndon B. Johnson's War On Poverty.
Poverty Won!
Thanks to the President's economic policies there's been a steady continuing need for additional workers... at the unemployment offices.
My hair is grey.
My eyes are weak.
My ears are bad.
My joints all squeak.
But I don't mind.
Ain't worried none.
My wife's in bed,
And up for fun.
I used to work, but I retired.
Quit telling everyone I'm a bum.
It's so quiet, I wonder if my dishwasher is working. I should check.
Nope, she's watching TV.
With my ex, there was never a dull moment.
With her, the dullness lasted for years.
Studies have found that tea is healthier for you than coffee.
But I like coffee.
I'll just wait for the next study.
''I take full responsibility,'' is what someone usually says before blaming somebody else.
Believe It Or Nuts!
Yes, it's been 5O years since President Johnson began his War On Poverty.
He didn't want his War In Viet Nam to be lonely.
The flu.
How can something so easy to get be so hard to get rid of?
My New Year's Resolution is going as planned.
 I started working out four days a week, gradually tapered off, and then gave up altogether.
Out-of-shape people who want to look like they did when they were younger, don't need a personal trainer...
They need a personal MAGICIAN.
Obama's State of the Union... is GOOD!
Yay! Yay! Woo-hoo!
Oh, hi, boss. Did you hear the news?
What do you mean you're letting me go?
Obama's State of the Union... is GOOD!
And, along with Harry Potter, everyone lived Happily Ever After.
Obama's State of the Union... is GOOD!
Or, at least like marijuana, it's not as bad as alcohol.
Obama's State of the Union... is GOOD!
Takes message to Costco.
"Who needs that much toilet paper?" he thinks, and then remembers Ron Jeremy.
Obama's State of the Union... is GOOD!
As it turns out, American Hustle is not just a movie, it was his speech.
Obama's State of the Union... is GOOD!
He wants to give illegal aliens citizenship, because nothing stops illegal activity like rewarding it.
Obama's State of the Union... is GOOD!
He wants EVERYBODY in America to hire more women.
Everybody, that is, except his own administration.
Obama's State of the Union... is GOOD!
Good enough to give government contractors a raise.
And the military?
"They should be happy with what they have."
Obama's State of the Union... is GOOD!
''I'm taking away from you to give to somebody else. You're welcome, America."
Obama's State of the Union... is GOOD!
That sure will make my family feel better as we eat our rice and beans.
Obama's State of the Union... is GOOD!
Oh boy, I can't wait to tell everybody at the Unemployment Office.
Obama's State of the Union... is GOOD!
I'm glad to hear that, it makes losing my job to ObamaCare worthwhile.
Obama's State of the Union... is GOOD!
''It must be good," the President said. "We just got back from vacationing in Hawaii."
Obama's State of the Nation... is GOOD!
For HIM!
It sucks to be you, though.
Research shows the mort popular time to have sex is Saturday at 7:37pm.
And the most popular time to finish is 7:39.
The Wolf Of Wall Street breaks the record for most F-bombs.
What the F-bomb is to Martin Scorcese, the N-bomb is to Quentin Tarrentino.
Believe It Or Nuts!
A Florida fisherman revived an injured shark he had just released from a hook.
The shark was so grateful, it ate him.
Marry the man who, when he gives you an engagement ring, no one says, ''How cute."
This Just In!
Pawn Stars' Chumlee loses 75lbs!
Unfortunately, it was 75lbs of GOLD!
''What a scamp,'' Rick says, suddenly broke.
In an Oahu beach, a surfer rescued a drowning Anne Hathaway.
Unfortunately, once he realized who she was, it was too late to put her back.
The Honey Boo Boo family all survive a horrible car crash!
Thank God their fat acted as their own personal air bag.
David Hasselhoff wants to open Baywatch themed restaurants, where diners will be disappointed if they don't find a hair in their food.
I got lost in Athens because everything was Greek to me.
You don't need to tune in to OWN on March 9th to see Lindsay Lohan in the debut of her new reality show... you just need to own a nightclub.
Believe It Or Nuts!
At the '88 Seoul Olympics a Canadian abandons a race to help two competitors.
To this day Olympians refer to him as "That idiot."
An @ Exclusive!
Justin Bieber!
Goes to Panama after Miami arrest!
Hey, isn't that where gay pedophiles go to have sex with young boys?
Just asking.
American Chimpanzee