Wednesday, January 8, 2014

El Paso Versus San Antonio

El Paso is a poor city.
     You can tell because people don't seem to have the money to buy their dogs a leash to properly and legally walk them with. I must be doing better than most other El Pasoans, because I have three dogs, and not only am I able to afford a separate leash for each of them, I can also afford to buy plastic baggies to dispose of their poops with.
     When I walk my dogs I always use a walking stick. Not because I have a bum leg, but because of all the other dogs running free. It's amazing how angry the other owners get when I have to give their unruly pets a whack! with my walking stick when they run up to us too aggressively. They see nothing wrong with their dog attacking us, but they see everything wrong with my protecting myself.
     I tell my wife that the park in front of our home reminds me of Viet Nam, except, instead of trying not to step on landmines, I have to avoid stepping on dog poops.
     "You were never in Viet Nam," my wife cheerfully agrees.
     I'm sure they have the same problem in San Antonio, but, since I don't live there, I don't really care. What I do care about are our newspapers. I have a co-worker from San Antonio who gratefully exchanges newspapers with me on a daily basis. Every Monday through Friday, I'll give him a copy of yesterday's El Paso Times and he'll hand over the current edition of the San Antonio Express-News, the newspaper best known for putting a dash between "express" and "news."
     I like to compare our two newspapers on occasion. I don't mean to find out which newspaper is better than the other, but just to see how the two newspapers--and our two cities--differ. The obvious difference is the price. While the El Paso Times will set you back a buck an issue, the Express-News is still holding the line at 75 cents. Same with the Albuquerque Journal. Seventy-five cents. Now why is that? How much more can the paper be here in El Paso as opposed to another part of the country? Why don't we just buy our paper from Mexico, if that'll make a difference. I mean, we only live right next door.
     Listening to the radio this morning, I found out that El Paso's been voted the Safest City in America! It's also been voted Best Place to Raise Your Family! And, not only that, but we have the lowest crime rate of any city in America of similar size. This is especially impressive, because of how, like I just told you (Weren't you listening?), we live a river's width away from Juarez, Mexico. A city where, if you use a gun to successfully defend yourself against killers, the police will come by and take away your gun so as to give those killers a chance to come back and finish the job. Fair is fair, after all. Even in Mexico.
     I can't believe that the biggest story on TV is that it's winter and we're having winter weather. Winter only comes EVERY year, and with winter we get cold weather, snow, and icy roads. A man in Fargo, North Dakota actually had to step into the walk-in freezer where he works to warm up. You see, outside the temperature was -40 degrees, while, inside the freezer, it was a toasty -10 degrees.
     One thing I learned watching the news is that there's a Velveeta Cheese shortage. If you're making nachos, I guess you could use canned cheese instead of Velveeta, but I'm suspicious of cheese in a can. Since I brought it up, I'm also suspicious of cheese in an aerosol can, like your deodorant.
     When I watch the news on TV, I prefer Diane Sawyer on ABC, because I find the way one of her eyes is smaller than the other mesmerizing. It gives me the illusion that she's SKEPTICAL of the news she's reporting, and her hunched, leaning-forward posture only adds to  this illusion.
     I bet SHE can afford to buy her dog a leash.
American Chimpanzee

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