My ex thinks I'm condescending, but she's wrong.
My ex thinks I'm condescending, but she's wrong. All I do is dumb things down to a level she can comprehend.
I haven't seen Lone Survivor yet, so don't spoil the ending by telling me if anyone dies.
Steven Seagal may run for governor of Arizona. It's a reboot of the movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and the state of California.
Clay Aiken may run for Congress in North Carolina. ''Hmm, ANOTHER contest for me to place second in,'' he croons, gawkily.
Note to Shia LaBeouf: If you plagiarize a FAMOUS graphic novelist, you can call it an homage.
With 5O6, The Wolf of Wall Street broke the record for most F-bombs in a movie. ON a movie set, that honor still belongs to Christian Bale
R.I.P., Phil Everly. You died on the 3rd of January, and yet 2 weeks later some people are just now publishing your obituary. Go figure.
I just saw the movie Gravity. It's about how George Clooney would rather float away and die in space than be with a woman his own age.
While YOU are required to read everything you sign--like ObamaCare--lawmakers are NOT required to read the bills they vote on... like ObamaCare.
In February of l963, ''Please Please Me,'' the Beatle's first U.S. release, sold only 7,3lO copies. I always thought they were over-rated.
My ex uses wrinkle cream. Judging by the look of her, she should be using ANTI-wrinkle cream.
I was standing at the end of a pier when a group of people started yelling at me to jump. I hate ''pier'' pressure.
My diet? I'm non-gluten, but I'm pro-glutton.
When it comes to taking selfies, my ex needs a longer arm or a shorter nose.
Wannabe thug Justin Bieber EGGS neighbor's house! That's the biggest waste of an egg since the fertilization of Justin Bieber.
Am I crazy, or would "Polar Vortex" make an awesome name for a Michael Bay action movie?
We need to work as a team. That means you do what I say.
I'm a big fan of low self-esteem. It sure comes in handy when I'm giving my employees their performance reviews.
On this date in l9l9, 2.3 million gallons of molasses spilled in Boston, killing 2l. Man, if you can't outrun molasses, you deserve to die.
Believe It Or Nuts! In l966, Thomas Bayard invented the vibrating toilet seat! ''Don't laugh. If it could cook, I'd divorce my wife.''
Believe It Or Nuts! Horses can ONLY breathe through their nostrils, not their mouths! So... you're telling me Mr. Ed WASN'T really talking?
Electronic Dance Music musician Skrillex is 26 today! My daughter LOVES listening to EDM. Me? I sound like my dad: ''You call THAT music?''
Some say the summer solstice is the longest day of the year. I say the longest day of the year is when I have to go shopping with my wife.
Today's Top Story! There was absolutely, positively no news today, which, in and of itself, is newsworthy enough to refute today's top story.
I became a garbage man because a career in politics was too dirty for me.
My dog doesn't believe in the Five-Second Rule.
I've given a lot of thought to my future. I definitely think I should have one.
Evergreen trees are very modest. They never take off their leaves.
When my wife asks me if I'd like to go shopping with her, it's not a question.
Welcome to my Twitter account. Let me show you around. Come back soon
When I go to a restaurant, I make it a point to avoid any menu selections with the word ''surprise'' in it.
No one ever suspects the elephant.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you'll sleep alone.
Every noble cause begins as a movement, becomes a business, and turns into a racket.
I'm a big fan of low self-esteem. It comes in handy when choosing a girlfriend.
You're only as happy as your least happy child.
Tough times don't last, but tough people do.
Justin Bieber! Caught! Being stupid! ''There's no law against being stupid,'' the police clarified. ''Especially if you're Justin Bieber."
Justin Bieber! Caught! Vandalizing neighbor's home! ''There's nothing we can do,'' the police sheepishly admitted. ''This is California."
Justin Bieber! Caught! Throwing eggs at neighbor's home! What did the police do? ''Nothing,'' they said, impotently. ''He's a celebrity."
Israel's Prime Minister Ariel Sharon! Dead! Will Obama go to his funeral? ''Isn't he Jewish?'' the President wanted clarified before deciding.
Israel's Prime Minister Ariel Sharon! Dead! Obama won't be going to his funeral, ''unless that hot blonde from Denmark shows up for a selfie.''