The Bad News: The U.S. is behind the world in education. The Good News: We're NUMBER ONE in Taking ''Selfies''!
When did the fruits of my labor turn into lemons?
Bad Pun of the Day: If a tiny duck's called a duckling and a tiny plant's called a seedling then would a tiny boat be called a dinghy-ling?
Did'ju Know! Sheldon Mpofu of Yorkshire, England lived after swinging a pickax into his skull. And that, kids, is why inbreeding is wrong.
Miley Cyrus said in a recent magazine interview that she's the next Beyonce.
''Only without the talent or sex appeal,'' her tongue twerked delusionally.
Critics give Britney Spears' Las Vegas show 2 big thumbs down! Their main complaint?
''It stars Britney Spears.''
Justin Bieber's first movie made 73 million dollars. His new movie's barely made 5. Somewhere, a fat lady is singing.
NBC's SNL adds a black female to its cast! This Just In! PEOPLE need AIR to BREATHE!
NBC's SNL adds a black female to its cast! THIS is news? Isn't it interesting how Hollywood and the media have their own brand of racism?
I'm in good shape... IF you consider ''round'' a good shape.
Q. What do you call a semi-bipedal caveman?
A. A knee-anderthal.
Why do dogs dig holes? A primal search for food? Or some place to bury the cat?
Doctors n CA r fighting 2 take a girl OFF life-support while doctors n TX r fighting 2 keep a girl ON. So much 4 the compassion of liberals.
Doctors n CA r fighting 2 take a girl OFF life-support while doctors n TX r fighting 2 keep a girl ON. Guess which state supports ObamaCare?
Doctors in CA r fighting 2 take a girl OFF life-support, while doctors in TX r fighting 2 keep a girl ON. Can u guess which girl is black?
Q. What's the difference between a comforter and a duvet?
A. The price.
Colorado's legalization of marijuana gives new meaning to John Denver's song ''Rocky Mountain High.''
It's been so cold that politicians have been keeping their hands in their OWN pockets!
Tonight's ''The 4Oth Annual People's Choice Awards.'' The PEOPLE's Choice? I don't recall anybody asking MY opinion.
On this date in l9l8, President Wilson outlined Fourteen Points For Lasting Peace after WWI. 96 years later... and you think ObamaCare's gonna work?
On this date in l935, Elvis Presley was born. Oh, sure, I could make a joke... but who wants 2b hunted down by a pack of rabid Elvis fans?
On this date in l942, physicist Stephen Hawking was born. God gave him a brilliant mind, but a broken body. Yet somehow my ex is perfectly healthy.
On this date in l947, David Bowie, Ziggy Stardust himself, was born! At 67, the former Starman is now Old Man.
On this date in l964, President Johnson declared a ''war on poverty.'' 5O years later, and you think ObamaCare's gonna work?
Did'ju Know! African Gray Parrots can learn a thousand-word vocabulary. That alone qualifies them for public office.
I'm going to stop putting everything off until tomorrow... from now on I'm putting things off until the day AFTER tomorrow.
I'm hooked on Pseudoku. It's kind of like Sudoku, but not really.
Q. Do u know why stores give things fancy names?
A. So they can charge u more 4 it.
God made dogs to do the jobs that cats aren't willing to do.
I wanted a June wedding, my fiance didn't, so I compromised... I married someone who agreed with me.
Did'ju Know? George Bush and John Kerry are BOTH related to Hugh Hefner? ''Some guys have ALL the luck,'' lamented an envious Bill Clinton.
Q. Why do restaurants give foods fancy names?
A. Because... the fancier the name, the more they can charge.
Q. Why do I text using proper spelling, grammar, and punctuation?
A. I'm a lawyer. I've spent YEARS learning how NOT to get to the point.
My ex might think I live in my own little world, but that's because she's from another planet.
I'm getting a tattoo of a map to my house.
You'll understand when you get older.
My oatmeal and I have different ideas about what ''instant'' means.
I bought a sports car with a broken GPS so I could go nowhere fast.
Things are never what they seem. Ask anyone who's been divorced.
That l3-year-old girl who's brain-dead from a botched tonsillectomy? Is she an organ donor, or what? I'm just wondering why her doctors are so anxious 4 her 2 die.
The Aw, Nuts! Humor Blog