Tuesday, December 29, 2020

The Week In Tweets: Special What's The Big Deal? Edition!

  Fake News Reports!

Dear Santa,
Tell grandma I've got all the clothes I need for Christmas.
Love, Timmy
  
When God took a rib from Adam,
good thing He didn't decide to make a McRib sandwich instead.
  
Steven Pearl--A McDonald's Employee In Fort Dodge, Iowa--Was Hit With A Sledgehammer And Then Run Over In The Restaurant's Parking Lot!
Someone really oughta take away Joe Biden's car keys.
  
President Trump Signs The #ChumpChangeStimulusBill And Avoids A Government Shutdown!
God forbid a politician should miss a paycheck.
  
House Voted To Raise The COVID-19 Stimulus Payments From $600 To $2000!
And, like they did with the Trump Coronavirus Vaccine,
they put themselves in the front of the receiving line.
  
CNN's Jake Tapper Said He Never Invites White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany On His Show Because She's A Liar And...
"...CNN already has enough of those."
  
Mitch McConnell BLOCKS Vote That Would Have Increased The #ChumpChangeStimulusBill Payment From $600 To $2000!
"What's the big deal? I'm getting MY paycheck," the Senate Majority Leader gloated.
  
Joe Biden Criticizes President Trump's "Irresponsibility" In The Transition Process!
"Right now we're just not getting all the information that we need," the President-Elect
lashed out. "How can I get any money from China if Hunter doesn't have anything to sell?"
  
Meghan Markle & The Royal Formerly Known As Prince Harry Have Finally Launched Their Highly Anticipated Podcast!
Do they get an A or a B or a C?
Nope, they get a Zzzzzzzzzzz...
  
Future Vice-President Kamala Harris Gets The Trump Coronavirus Vaccine She
Swore She Would NEVER Get!
  
President Trump, Tired Of The Partisan Games Democrats & Republicans Are Playing With The #ChumpChangeStimulusBill, Signs An Executive Order Giving Long-Suffering Americans $2000!
What?
He hasn't?
Well, what's he waiting for?
  
Jim Duchene
Fake News Chief Correspondent
  
  
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
  

Wednesday, December 23, 2020

The Week In Tweets: Special Chump Change Stimulus Bill Edition!

 Fake News Reports!  

Should the future First Lady be addressed as Dr. Jill Biden?
Let's let her decide:
If she was shopping at Walmart and the manager came over the intercom asking if there
was a doctor in the building, would she answer?
  
Paul McCartney Has Released McCartney III, An Album The Once And Future Beatle Recorded During The Lockdown!
If that's not a good enough reason to end the lockdown,
I don't know what is.
  
It's A Christmas Miracle!
The Trump Coronavirus Vaccine Is Suddenly SAFE!
Democrats, who were warning voters not to take it in the months leading up to the
presidential election, now elbowing their way to the front of the line.
  
"Bye-bye, Grammy. AOC needed the vaccine more than you did."
  
#ChumpChangeStimulusBill
Kanye West got $2 to $5 million.
Joel Osteen got $4.4 million.
Tom Brady got $960,855.
Congress got $130k to spend 9 months rejecting a $1.8 trillion stimulus bill and accepting an $800 billion one.
YOU got $600.
Maybe.
  
On The Bachelorette:
TAYSHIA DUMPS IVAN!
I guess Black Lives DON'T Matter.
  
Black Lives Matters Denounce Ray Charles & Stevie Wonder For Their White Privilege!
"Being blind," a BLM spokesman explained, "they can't comprehend their blackness."
  
Black Lives Matters Denounces The Coronavirus Vaccine For Its White Privilege!
"Any vaccine that also works on white people is a slap in the face of the black community,"
a BLM spokesman thundered.
  
Does border security matter to Democrats?
Of course it does.
Just ask the countries of Jordan, Lebanon, Egypt, Tunisia, and Oman.
After all, YOU'RE getting $600 and THEY'RE giving them $250 million for it
in the #ChumpChangeStimulusBill.
  
Pennsylvania Election Officials Are Resigning Over 2020's Presidential "Nightmare"!
"What's the statue of limitations on election fraud again?" one official asked,
putting on his fake glasses with the bushy mustache.
  
Jim Duchene
Fake News Chief Correspondent
  
  
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
  

Friday, December 18, 2020

The Week In Tweets: Special Trump Vaccine Edition!

Fake News Reports!  

Availability Of The Trump Coronavirus Vaccine Is Just Around The Corner!
Presidents Clinton, Bush, & Obama use their influence to bully themselves
to the front of the line.
  
Bloomberg Quicktake Wonders: Should Professional Athletes,
Arguably The Healthiest Individuals On The Planet (With The Exception Of STDs),
Be Among The First To Receive The Trump Coronavirus Vaccine?
Sure, they're rich.
  
In A Recent Press Briefing,
New York Governor Andrew Cuomo Welcomed Coronavirus Czar, Dr. Fauci!
"We're like the modern-day De Niro and Pacino," Cuomo told him. "You're De Niro,
and I'm Al Pacino in Cruising.
  
In A Fake News Exclusive, The Daily Beast Reports That President Trump Is
Considering A Pardon For Silk Road "Kingpin" Ross Ulbricht!
"It must be true," Editor-in-Chief Noah Shachtman verified,
"because two people told us."
  
Fake News Juggernaut The Financial Times Believes Donald Trump
Could Be The First President To Be Prosecuted After Leaving Office!
What for?
"We'll come up with something."
  
Premiere Fake News Prognosticator Businessweek
Warns That The American Economy Faces A Zombie Recovery
Even With The Trump Coronavirus Vaccine!
Which zombie?
"Joe Biden."
  
Speaking Of The President-Elect...
Joe Biden Will Take The Trump Coronavirus Vaccine As Soon As Next Week!
You mean the one you said you would never take?
"Yeah, that one."
  
Meghan Markle & The Royal Formerly Known As Prince Harry Have Been Signed By Spotify To Produce New Podcasts!
Great... ANOTHER entertainment media for them to bore us in.
  
In these hard times, It's Good To Know Meghan Markle & The Royal Formerly Known As Prince Harry Will Be Making A Bundle Pretending To Create Podcasts!
"Yeah," Spotify admits, "instead of helping people,
we thought we'd give all our money to them."
  
Happy Birthday, Brad Pitt!
You're not getting older, you're just getting more, um, Brad Pitty.
  
Jim Duchene
Fake News Chief Correspondent
  
  
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
  

Sunday, December 13, 2020

The Week In Tweets: Special Flying First Class Edition!

Fake News Reports!  

Time Magazine Crowns Joe Biden & Kamala Harris As "Person Of The Year"!
And itself as "Ass-Kisser of the Year".
  
Sorry it's been so long since my last tweet.
The kidnappers took away my phone.
  
I really don't mind my job.
It's the work I hate.
  
Fake News Recommends!
ALWAYS Fly First Class!
When the plane goes down,
you don't want to spend the last few minutes of your life being cheap.
  
At the prices he charges, my doctor will never get my blood pressure down.
  
Judging by the size of the bugs, organic is definitely healthier.
  
I wear the pants in my family.
But it's my wife who takes the money out of the pockets.
  
About the Coronavirus, who knew when I was back in grade school
I should have paid more attention on avoiding cooties.
  
The Presumptive President-Elect Joe Biden 's Three-Part Plan For Defeating The Coronavirus In His First 100 Days In Office:
1) Ask the American people to wear a mask,
2) Tell the American people to wear a mask, &
3) Order the American people to wear a mask.
  
Jim Duchene
Fake News Chief Correspondent
  
  
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
  

Wednesday, December 9, 2020

The Week In Tweets: Special Saving The World Edition!

 Fake News Reports!

A 90-Year-Old Woman In The UK Became The First Person Outside Of The Trials To Receive The U.S.-Developed COVID-19 Vaccine!

Once again, America Steps In To Save The World. 

Meanwhile, In The UK, A 90-Year-Old Woman Became The First Person Outside Of The Trials To Receive The U.S.-Developed COVID-19 Vaccine!

"I just hope it doesn't affect my pregnancy," she frets.

Presumptive President-Elect Joe Biden Recuperating After Hairline Fracturing His Foot!

"When the time comes to pull the plug," Kamala Harris assures the American people, "we will."

A Mysterious And Fatal Illness Devastates Southern India!

"Hmm... how can we spread this around the world?" wonders China.

Rudy Giuliani Assures America He's "Doing Fine" After Testing Positive For COVID-19!

Sadly, that's the last symptom you get before dying.

Jenna Ellis, One Of President Trump's Many Attorneys, Has Tested Positive For COVID-19!

I loved her on Dharma & Greg.

"Look! A Humpback Whale!" New Yorkers Point And Shout As One Is Spotted Swimming In The Hudson River Near The Statue of Liberty!

"I heard New Yorkers were rude," the whale wailed, "but there's no reason to call me names."

How Did President Trump's Operation Warp Speed Develop The COVID-19 Vaccine In Month's Rather Than Years?

"As it turns out," explained Dr. Fauci, "once we discovered it caused Erectile Dysfunction,

the FDA couldn't approve it fast enough."

Jim Duchene

Fake News Chief Correspondent

  

American Chimpanzee

JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com

RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com

@JimDuchene

  

Sunday, December 6, 2020

Emails To My Brother: Two Thanksgiving Stories

I called our father on Thanksgiving to see how he was doing and to wish him a happy holiday.

     "Hi, pop," I said. 

     "Hi, son," he answered.

     "How was your turkey?"

     "The one I live with?" he answered. "He's fine." 

  *******************************************

I called our father on Thanksgiving to see how he was doing.

    “How’s your Thanksgiving been, pop?” I asked him.

    “Oh, good, good,” he said.

    “What are you thankful for?”

    “I’m thankful for you, of course, and I’m thankful for the enchiladas you never forget to bring me, they’re so delicious. I’m also thankful for the coronavirus.”

    “THE CORONAVIRUS!” I yelped. “Why are you thankful for the coronavirus?”

    “It keeps your brother away.”
  
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene

Party Parades? Phooey!

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine

desertexposure.com

 

One thing I've noticed about the Coronavirus is it's given people a reason to be cheap.

     Cheaper than they normally are.

     Cheaper than me, even.

     Actually, I’m not cheap. I’m frugal. When it comes to paying, I’m the first to put my hand in my pocket… and keep it there.

     I’m constantly invited to party parades. Well... not me, actually. People know if they want something good, my wife is the one to invite. These celebrations include baby showers, graduations, even dog adoptions.

     I invited my father to come along once. 

     “What’s that?” he asked.

     “You don’t know what a parade is, pop?” I teased.

     “Not the kind you’re talking about,” he answered.

     I explained to him, “That's where you drive to the person's house, drop off a gift without getting down, and then leave.”

     “No food?”

     “No food.”

     “I’ll pass.”

     Sometimes they'll hand out cupcakes. My father’s not big on cupcakes. He’s more a steak and potatoes kind of guy. Me, too, for that matter. Maybe there’ll be a candy bag in it for you, but just one. So there's no food, no drinks, no socializing. If you ask me, a party parade is a cheap way to get a free handout.

     At one of them, the mother of the little girl whose birthday they were celebrating wanted a headcount of who would be coming. My wife thought it was for them to be sure they had enough cupcakes and candy bags for everyone who was kind enough to take part, so my wife RSVPed with three: her, our daughter, and our granddaughter. When they drove by, the three of them were handed two cupcakes and a candy bag. I guess one of the cupcakes was meant to be split. Later, the mother Instagrammed pictures of the birthday girl opening her gifts and she thanked everyone who took part. "God will bless you," she wrote. 

     I told my wife, “‘God will bless you’ is a cheap person's way of passing the buck to the almighty."

     This is especially true of my buddy Maloney's mother-in-law, who’s so cheap she won’t even give you the time of day. After she borrows a few bucks, she always assures him, "God will pay you back."

     "She says that because SHE doesn’t plan to," I tell him.

     The very first party parade my granddaughter attended took place on the other side of town. My daughter dressed her in her prettiest party dress, gussied up her hair in curls and ribbons, and then drove with my wife a total of an hour and a half for the ten seconds it took to hand over a birthday present.

     “Aren’t we going to play?” my granddaughter wanted to know, not understanding why they weren’t stopping.

     I tagged along to one for the six-year-old granddaughter of some friends of ours. They wanted us to meet them in the parking lot of a steakhouse.

     “Think they’re feeding us?” I asked my wife.

     “Maybe,” my wife said.

     She was being hopeful, and there’s nothing wrong with hoping, but, as it turned out, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar and a starting point is just a starting point. We could smell the beef grilling in the air.

     “Mmm… that smells good,” our granddaughter said as we drove off like a happy funeral procession, following our friends who were leading the parade.

     My wife and I just looked at each other.

     Trying to sneak a peek at the festivities ahead of us, our granddaughter graciously said of the birthday girl, “I bet she’s going to be dressed so pretty.”

     As we drove by the birthday house, I noticed our friends had parked, giving everybody room to drive by and away. I didn't tell my wife, because they're her friends more than they are mine, but I thought, "They're staying behind because, as soon as the rest of us suckers leave, they're going to go inside and eat."

     And that's just what these parades seem like to me. The people who take time out of their busy day, spend money on a nice gift, and leave with disappointed children... WE don't get invited to take part in the actual celebration.

     “You’re just being grumpy,” my wife told me when I finally aired my observation to her later, but, wouldn’t you know it, the very next day her friends posted pictures on their Facebook accounts. Pictures of them having a very good time at a birthday party no one in the parade was invited to.

     Just so you know, we're throwing a party parade for our granddaughter on her birthday. Consider yourselves invited. Knowing my wife, she’ll find a way to make it special for our guests. Especially the wee ones.

     Don’t get me wrong, I understand the necessity for parades rather than parties. This pandemic has been tough on kids. They can’t play with their friends. They can’t go to school, or, when they can, they have to sit in their seats the entire time, even eating their lunches there. No P.E., no recess, no games of tag.

     My granddaughter was visiting us the other day. She and I were outside playing when she saw some friends of hers from the neighborhood riding their bikes in front of our house. They invited her to join them.

     “I can’t!” she called back longingly. “I don’t have a mask!”

     Another little girl rode by. This one she didn’t know.

     “Hola!” my granddaughter called out in her best spanish, giving the girl a friendly wave.

     “Hola,” the girl said, but kept on going.

     My heart broke a little.

     Playing with your grandfather is a cheap substitute for playing with kids your own age.

  

**************************************************************

You know what else is cheap?

Talk.

Except when politicians do it.

American Chimpanzee

JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com

RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com

@JimDuchene.

The Week In Tweets: Special Hairline Fracture Edition!

 Fake News Reports!

Presumptive President-Elect J0e Biden Picks An All-Female Senior Communications Team Because...

"C'mom, man! You know chicks are better at that communication stuff."

Presumptive President-Elect Joe Biden Adds Three Additional Members To His COVID-19 Advisory Board:

Xi Jinping, Zhao Lijian, & Sum Ting Wong.

The Vibrant & Alert Presumptive President-Elect Joe Biden Sustains A "Hairline" Fracture While Negotiating The Complex Task Of Lifting His Foot And Placing It Gently Back On The Ground!

And THAT, my friends, is how it begins.

Presumptive President-Elect Joe Biden Has Broken His Foot!

"Damn," laments Kamala Harris, deviously twirling one corner of her thin mustache.

"It was supposed to be his NECK!"

When Told That Her Running Mate Joe Biden Broke His Foot Playing With His Dog,

Kamala Harris Thoughtfully Gets Him Nine Playful Pit Bills For Christmas!

COVID-19

UTEP-0

Dolly Parton Releases "A Holly Dolly Christmas," Her First Holiday Album In THIRTY Years!

What did she take away from her duet with Miley Cyrus?

"Her breasts are so pathetically small."

Khloe Kardashian Defends Sister Kim From Pandemic Backlash Over The Lavish Private Island Birthday Party She Threw That YOU Weren't Invited To!
"We're rich," she explained. "We can do what we want."

  
Jim Duchene
Fake News Chief Correspondent
  
  
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene