Friday, January 25, 2013

Win A Trip To The Super Bowl!

It's Not Too Late!
There's Still Time To Win An All-Expenses Paid
Super Bowl Super Vacation!
Not only will you win 1st class air travel to and from New Orleans for the Super Bowl, but you will also receive a five day/four night stay at a luxury 5-star hotel, $5,000.00 in spending cash, and the prostitute of your choice!
     Tickets on the 50-yard line? Forget about it! You will be the personal guest of either the Baltimore Ravens or the San Francisco 49ers--Your Choice!--where you'll sit in the owner's box with full access to the VIP area where the REALLY good-looking prostitutes are kept.
     After the game, you will join the winning coach--either John Harbaugh or his brother Jim Harbaugh--for a well-earned soak in a jacuzzi with--no, not hookers, but--a gaggle of giggling football groupies!
     Aren't you glad the Cowboys crapped out?
     Now... how do you win?
     I thought you'd never ask.
     It's easy. All you have to do is answer the following questions, and the person with the most correct answers wins! In the case of a tie, the winner will be chosen in a random drawing, and, trust me, if my name happens to be the one chosen, I can assure you, it was just a coincidence.
     Don't wait! Get started now!
1) Who made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs?
     a. Jerry Jones
     b. Manti Te'o
     c. Han Solo
2) What does the "T" in the name James T. Kirk stand for?
     c. Toilet, as in: Where my money goes every time I bet on the Cowboys.
3) What is the capital of Assyria?
     a. I don't know that!
     b. Bo-iing!
     c. Auuuuuuuugh!
4) What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
     a. What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
     b. What? I don't know that!
     c. Bo-iiing! Auuuuuuuugh!
5) Who was Harry Potter's real father?
     a. James Potter
     b. Severus Snape
     c. Boy, that Lilly Potter sure did get around, didn't she?
6) Whose Team are you on?
     a. Team Edward
     b. Team Jacob
     c. I don't know what the Hell you're talking about.
Time's Running Out!
You Can't Win If You Don't Enter!
Somebody's Gotta Win... Why Not YOU!
All entries must be received before the deadline. Enter as many times as you like. To win, send your answers to...technical problems... please stand by...
American Chimpanzee

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Dear John (1-22-13)

Hard Core Advice From
Hard Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie
Dear John:
     I am a senior in high school. My boyfriend broke up with me a month after he went off to college. We had been together for nine months, and I was devastated. He was my first real boyfriend. He treated me well and cried when we broke up. He ended our relationship because it was his first time being on his own, and he didn't want anyone tying him down. He said he needs time to figure out his life. He claims I will understand when I go to college, and I am trying to accept this.
     Our breakup was amicable, even though I was upset. We still text and talk on a regular basis. I know he has no intention of getting back together, at least not now. I have seen him three times since we broke up, and every time we end up sleeping together. He told me recently that he thinks he is interested in another girl.
     My friends say it's best if I cut all ties with him--no more talking, texting, or seeing him when he's home for breaks. My friends have never been through something like this, so they don't understand how hard it would be for me to not have him in my life.
     What should I do?
     --Young and Confused
Dear Young and Confused:
     The best thing for you to do is to get even with him by having sex with an older man, namely me.
     Bring your friends.
Dear John:
     I have been married for six months and am crazy for my hubby. He has back problems and some sexual issues that keep us from being intimate. At least, those are the excuses he uses for the fact that we don't touch like we used to.
     I recently came across some love letters to an ex-girlfriend, saying how they are going to be happy growing old together and how much he loves her. I pay his child support and love his kids like my own.He says he loves me, but I have doubts that he is being honest. He is constantly texting and emailing and never puts his phone down. He acts as if he is afraid I will look at it.
     I've been hurt before by lies and don't want to go through it again. Do you have any advice?
     --Scared and Lonely
Dear Scared and Lonely:
     No, I don't.
Dear John:
     I am a small woman with large breasts. I did not buy these. For years, I've tolerated leering men and boys, suggestive comments, questions about breast enhancement, and assumptions that I am of easy virtue. Some people are unable to make eye contact because they are staring at my bosom. Not to mention the idiots who cannot possibly take me seriously in the business world because of my cup size. I was once refused a job because the supervisor was worried what his wife would think.
     I have learned to deal with all that, but I have issues with the way other women treat me. Most take an immediate dislike to me. Men stare no matter how modestly I dress, and their wives and girlfriends glare at me, call me names they think I don't hear, and generally treat me like dirt.
     We talk about bullying because of body type, but doesn't this qualify? Women don't seem to see the hurt they cause, the chance at friendship they miss, or the chiropractic bills I have from hauling this things around. Breast reduction surgery is not an option for me right now.
     What can I do?
     --Bigger is Not Better
Dear Bigger is Not Better:
     If I was smart, I'd be a doctor. If I was ugly, I'd be Ron Jeremy. But I am who I am, and that's why I became what I became... and THAT'S your problem.  You're trying to live in the wrong world. In the "normal" world you're considered a freak and made to feel an outcast, but in the world of adult films you would be loved and welcomed into our community with open arms...
     ...and various other body parts.
Dear John:
     I've never read a letter with my problem: I'm not attracted to my husband anymore, and that's why I'm not having sex with him.
     I have a stronger sex drive than my husband, who will be 50 soon. when we were in our 30s, and he wasn't so overweight, I would initiate sex if he had bathed and brushed his teeth after coming home from his construction job dirty, sweaty, and greasy. The problem is that he stopped bathing, and I can't deal with his significant beer belly and horrible breath. Also, he has sinus issues and is constantly clearing his throat, which drives me nuts.
     I am in good shape, and other men still admire me, which only adds to my frustration. Actually, the frustration is turning into bitterness, because he makes no effort to get into better shape. Now I am simply turned off.
     Please let men know that they can't expect their wives to look great while they let themselves go.
     --Still Hot
Dear Still Hot:
     Don't kid yourself, I've seen your pictures on Facebook.
     You're a pig.
American Chimpanzee

Friday, January 18, 2013

El Paso Gets No Respect

I read with interest last Thursday's edition of the El Paso Times newspaper (1-10-13), mainly because it was my birthday and I wondered if they were making a big deal about it.
     They weren't.
     What I instead found was an interesting article next to another interesting article. They were both below the fold* on the front page. The first article (Man shoots pit bull after it kills grandmother's dog by Times reporter Aaron Bracamontes) was about a pit bull who cold-bloodedly murdered an innocent chihuahua.** I found it interesting because I had just posted my Pit Bull Facts*** just a few days before.
     The article, however, that really caught my attention was the one with the headline: Website says EP is 7th unhappiest city to work.**** It stood out because of its bold non-use of capital letters. It was written by Times reporter Daniel Borunda, who is much admired by his colleagues at the newspaper for having a last name that does not seem to rhyme with anything. In it he reported that the website ranked El Paso as the 6th worst city to find a job, and the 7th unhappiest city to work in. He also reported that Boulder, CO had the dubious distinction of claiming the number one spot on both those lists.       
     Dang! Boulder beats us again.
     Wait a minute, that doesn't make sense. Just two years ago ranked El Paso as the 7th happiest city to work in. I guess that website makes it a habit out of not making sense, because in 2012 they ranked Dayton, OH as having the 2nd unhappiest workers, and then in 2013--just a year later--they ranked them as the happiest. I happen to know for a fact that Dayton, OH workers are neither happy nor unhappy, but are resigned to their lot in life, and are basically just waiting to die.
     I called, and asked why their rankings fluctuated so wildly.
     "I don't know what you're talking about," the company told me. "Now, if you'll excuse us, we have to take our bi-polar medication."
     I did find out that the website, when it's not busy advertising various enlargement creams and ointments (if you get my drift), judges various cities by various factors, one of them being the overuse of the word "various."
     One factor is worker/boss relationships. Did you know that studies have shown employees prefer having a nice boss over getting a raise? No, really, they do. So bosses have taken advantage of this information by pretending to be nice, instead of giving their employees more money. It's saved them a ton of cash.
     Another is worker/co-worker relationships. Can you talk with your co-worker? Can you depend on your co-worker? Can you have sex with your co-worker? Especially the cute one in HR? also considers daily tasks, growth opportunities, and pay. Pay? Okay, they might have a point there. In El Paso, the pay is cheap, but so is its cost of living. Death is cheapest of all, but you have to go across the border for that, and I'm happy staying on this side of the Rio Grande, thank you very much.
     A company's culture is also a factor. A company's culture? What does that even mean? I'm not sociologist and I don't play one on TV, so I'll skip that one, and go on to...
     I have my own factors for judging a city, the main one being the cost of a city's prostitutes. El Paso has reasonably priced prostitutes, especially if you don't mind 60 year-old massage parlor workers***** or transvestites.
     True, El Paso's jobless rate is higher than state or national averages, but who cares? We have cheap prostitutes! Besides, unemployment has been dropping consistently in El Paso for the last year or so, at least according to Bernadette Flores. She's the spokeswoman for Workforce Solutions Upper Rio Grande, a public employment agency. If she says it, it must be true. because the election's over, and Obama has four more years. She's got no reason to lie.
     "We do not collect information on happiness," Daniel Borunda quoted her as saying in his article. "But we do collect human specimens for our intergalactic zoo."
     Okay, she really didn't say that, but it would have been pretty cool if she did.
     Flores Bernadette, on the other hand, of the Lower Rio Grande Workforce Solutions, begged to differ.
     "I beg to differ," she said.
     Other lists El Paso has had the honor of being on is one from Men's Fitness magazine, where they ranked El Paso as the 7th fattest city. Houston came in at #1.
     Dang, Houston beats us again.
     We've also been judged to be the sweatiest, ugliest, hairiest, most pungent, least loved, most disagreeable, most slovenly, hideous, grotesque, horrific, repugnant, gruesome, leprous, offensive, repulsive, homely, and just plain nasty.
     Or maybe I'm just thinking about my ex-wives.
     Anyway, what I think is that the people who make these silly, unscientific lists pick up their thesaurus, pick out a negative word, and put El Paso's name beside it to save time.
     Just like I did.
     But we weren't on every negative scorecard making the rounds. For example,  El Paso wasn't:
Most Flatulent.
(Although you couldn't tell by the guys I work with.)
Smelliest Feet.
(My sister's husband would win this one hands****** down.)
Biggest Heads.
(Although this particular medical condition seemed to run rampant in my second wife's family. None of the women in her family were able to give birth naturally, because the babies always got stuck on their way out.)
Miss Congeniality.
(My guess is that no one looked in the massage parlors where those 60 year-old prostitutes/massage therapists worked.)
     Lists where El Paso was a contender on were:
Most Likely To Always Vote Democrat.
Most Likely To Vote A Third Term For Obama Even If He's Not Running.
Most Likely To Always Vote The Same Do-Nothings Back Into Office Election After Election.
Most Likely To Complain That Nothing Ever Changes.
Most Likely To Stand In Line For Government Cheese.
     Interestingly enough, the Daily Beast news website curiously left El Paso off their 25 Drunkest Cities list. Austin came in at #5.
     Dang, Austin beats us... again!

*Newspaper talk.
**Can a chihuahua ever really be  innocent?
***Did you know that when a pit bull looks at you, it's thinking about the 47 different ways it can kill you? Well, it's true.
****To work in? Work with? Work on? Work for? C'mon, man, which is it?
*****Um, maybe that was Las Cruces, now that I think about it.
******Er... feet?
American Chimpanzee

Friday, January 11, 2013

The Whole Sordid Sun Bowl Affair

I wanted to let some time pass before I expressed my opinion about the whole Sun Bowl/USC brouhaha. I didn't want to write anything in anger or out of spite, such as: The USC Trojans? Any school whose mascot is named after a condom shouldn't be looking down their noses at anyone. 
     No, I sure didn't want to write anything like that.
     What? You haven't heard about it? Sure you have. Chances are, you've just forgotten. El Pasoans have notoriously short memories. I know that's true, because I read it in Men's Health magazine. It was just before they declared us fat, but just after they reported us ugly. It seems that whenever we get any recognition, it's negative recognition. For example, when a toothpaste commercial refers to four out of five dentists, the fifth dentist is usually from El Paso.
     In fact, a recent article by El Paso Times reporter Daniel Borunda, reported how ranks El Paso as the 6th worse city to find a job and the 7th unhappiest city to work in. What all these glorified list-makers have yet to uncover is how we El Pasoans have such forgiving natures.
     Why else would we keep voting Democrat?
     But let me refresh your memory about the whole sordid Sun Bowl affair. It seems that two of Southern Cal's football tweeters, freshmen Tony Burnett and Leonard Williams, were displeased with having to play in the Sun Bowl, and they expressed that displeasure on Twitter, apparently misspelling words and using poor punctuation and grammar as a way of emphasizing that displeasure. Their disappointment would have been better focused on their poor playing in general, and in William's hair in particular. I've seen his USC profile picture. Even Don King laughs at it.
     Personally, I don't know why they were so disappointed. Burnett comes from Watts. Besides the poverty and crime, I think that town's main source of entertainment is standing on street corners and watching the traffic lights change. Williams comes from the more affluent Daytona Beach, where they have the added attraction of cutting apples in half and watching them turn brown. USC's head coach, Lane "The Full Monte" Kiffin hails from Lincoln, NE, where he learned everything he knows... except how to be on time for a dinner in his honor.
     There's a fourth culprit in this sad tale. It seems there was a blogger who poked fun of El Paso's attractions on some website, and got death threats for her trouble. I won't tell you her name or the name of the website, but, mainly, that's just because it would require some effort on my part to find that stuff out, and, to tell the truth, I'm just too lazy to look it up. (In a related note, check out an upcoming story in Men's Health magazine: El Paso! Laziest City In America!)
     All this reality-show drama got me to thinking: El Paso's just too darn nice. What has kissing everyone's posterior gotten us? Nothing, my friends. Nothing, but disrespect and ridicule. I don't know why that is. I've been to California. No matter where you're at, where you want to be is always hours away. Las Vegas? If going broke is your idea of fun, then be my guest. It wasn't so bad when things were cheap, but now they want to rob you with one hand AND overcharge you with the other. New York? No thanks, I don't think I'd enjoy having total strangers walking over my raped and murdered body.
     So what do we do to change everybody's opinion of us? We do this, my friend, we use reverse psychology. The best way to make something valuable is to make it rare. A rock, in and of itself, has no value, but shine it up, price it outrageously, and--BAM!--you've just created a demand for it. The demand usually comes from individuals who are dumb as said rock, but, fortunately, there are plenty of those kinds of individuals around, especially at USC.
     So let's attract outsiders to this city by telling them they are neither wanted nor welcome. This will make El Paso and the Sun Bowl shiny rocks to be desired by all those who now ignore us.
     I suggest we start with the following city slogans;

     El Paso! Get Out And Stay Out!

     El Paso! Trespassers Will Be Shot!

     El Paso! We Don't Need Your Stinkin' Money!

     El Paso! You Don't Hafta Go Home, But You Can't Stay Here!

     El Paso! Peligro! Entrada Prohibida!

     El Paso! Don't Let The Door Hit'cha Where The Good Lord Split'cha!

     El Paso! That's Right, Amigo! Just Keep On Driving!

     El Paso! If We Don't Get You, The Drug Lords Will!

     El Paso! Leave Your Cash, Then Get The @#*% Out Of Our Town!

     El Paso! It's Not You, It's Me! (Okay, It's You!)

     So, El Paso, let's all promise to do our best to do our worst. Let's bring people and businesses to this fine city by keeping them out of it.
     I'll start with my ex-wives.

American Chimpanzee

Friday, January 4, 2013

Pit Bull Facts

I ran across an interesting fact the other day:
     There is a pit bull attack EVERY 45 SECONDS!
     I find it interesting on two levels.
     One: That's an awful lot of pit bull attacks, my friends. And...
     Two: I just made it up.
     I find the second of these two levels interesting on two additional levels.
     One: It doesn't matter that I made it up and JUST TOLD YOU that I made it up... people will believe it anyway (in fact, I'll even get comments and messages about it). And...
     Two: I needed an opening to this column.
     While I can't say I really know how many pit bull attacks there are in any given length of time, I do know these two things:
     One: I sure am using up my share of colons this week (heh, heh... I said "colon"). And...
     Two: Pit bull attacks are only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to that vicious breed of dog. Don't believe me? Here, let me prove it to you with the following facts:
     Fact: Pit bulls make up 72% of the 47% that Romney had the lack of judgement to get caught talking about in that unfortunate video clip that cost him the presidential election. In a way, I guess you can say that pit bulls were responsible for the re-election of President Obama. Whether you find that to be a good thing or a bad thing doesn't matter. What you have to admit is that it is a thing. Oh, and by the way, just who was it who released that video clip?
     Thaaat's right... a pit bull.
     Of that 72%, 43% of pit bulls are in this country illegally. Of that 43%, four out of five are on welfare or some sort of government assistance. And almost a full 100% of that four do not consider English to be their first language. I find that amazing. I also find my wallet to be emptier than usual. Maybe those pit bulls have the right idea.
     Fact: Pit bulls are overwhelmingly Democrat, and they overwhelmingly voted for Obama. They also overwhelmingly think Michael Moore makes sense in general, and sense in particular when he talks about how former President George W. Bush was behind the 9-11 terrorist attacks.
      But let's get away from politics for awhile. Have you noticed how, when you're on an airplane and there's a baby crying, that that baby always seems to belong to a pit bull?
     And when you're at the movies, it's always a pit bull who keeps talking and texting on their cell phones? But, for God's sake, don't tell them anything. They'll be waiting for you after the movie, if you get my drift.
     And one thing I really hate is how, when you're standing in line, pit bulls always let all their friends and/or relatives cut in front of me. Always. (Again, don't tell them anything when they do this, or you'll have them AND all of their friends and/or relatives waiting for you.)
     Fact: When you see the face of someone tattooed on a pit bull, that's not really a tattoo. That's the face of someone the pit bull actually ate and is trying to get out.
     Fact: A pit bull will borrow money from you, and NEVER pay you back.
     And who in their right mind takes a gun to a birthday party for a 5 year-old? Who else, but a pit bull. Not that they need a gun. Have you seen their teeth? Hopefully, you haven't.
     Fact: If you're saving food in the refrigerator for tomorrow's lunch, don't count on it being there the next day if there's a pit bull anywhere around. And when you discover it missing, just keep it to yourself. Pit bulls aren't above ripping your arm off if they think you're getting on their case.
     Fact: At dinner, if there's a last chicken leg or piece of pie, a pit bull will grab it and eat it without giving anybody else a chance or even asking if anybody else wants it.
     Fact: When you're moving, don't bother calling a pit bull for help. Pit bulls only help when it comes to killing and eating other living creatures.
     Did you noticed how, when you were in school, it was always the pit bull who would flick your ears from behind, and then say it wasn't him? In fact, the pit bull would even become downright indignant when you'd accuse him of it. Pit bulls hate to be called liars, especially when they're caught right in the middle of one.
     Fact: A pit bull loves to gamble, but is very bad at it. In fact, if pit bulls can be counted on one thing, it's this: Pit bulls lose almost all of their bets. But it doesn't matter, because pit bulls welsh on all of the bets they lose. Hey, YOU wanna try collecting from a pit bull?
     Yeah, that's what I thought.
     Fact: A pit bull always manages to beat you to the bathroom in the morning, and then takes his time coming out, even if he knows that you're waiting and have to use the bathroom... bad.
     Fact: No matter how many times you tell him, a pit bull will always forget to turn off the light when he leaves a room, and always forget to lock the door when he leaves the house.
     Fact: Pit bulls aren't short-haired dogs. They're skin-heads.
     Fact: Scientists have determined that the chief cause of natural disasters, such as hurricanes and earthquakes and tornadoes, are pit bulls.
     Fact: Who was responsible for the United States almost going over the fiscal cliff? That's right, pit bulls.
     And finally, if you come home unexpectedly from work, chances are you'll find a pit bull going through your stuff. And if he's not going through your stuff...
     ...don't be surprised to find him in bed with your wife.
     And that's a Fact!

American Chimpanzee