Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Dear John (1-22-13)

Hard Core Advice From
Hard Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie
Dear John:
     I am a senior in high school. My boyfriend broke up with me a month after he went off to college. We had been together for nine months, and I was devastated. He was my first real boyfriend. He treated me well and cried when we broke up. He ended our relationship because it was his first time being on his own, and he didn't want anyone tying him down. He said he needs time to figure out his life. He claims I will understand when I go to college, and I am trying to accept this.
     Our breakup was amicable, even though I was upset. We still text and talk on a regular basis. I know he has no intention of getting back together, at least not now. I have seen him three times since we broke up, and every time we end up sleeping together. He told me recently that he thinks he is interested in another girl.
     My friends say it's best if I cut all ties with him--no more talking, texting, or seeing him when he's home for breaks. My friends have never been through something like this, so they don't understand how hard it would be for me to not have him in my life.
     What should I do?
     --Young and Confused
Dear Young and Confused:
     The best thing for you to do is to get even with him by having sex with an older man, namely me.
     Bring your friends.
Dear John:
     I have been married for six months and am crazy for my hubby. He has back problems and some sexual issues that keep us from being intimate. At least, those are the excuses he uses for the fact that we don't touch like we used to.
     I recently came across some love letters to an ex-girlfriend, saying how they are going to be happy growing old together and how much he loves her. I pay his child support and love his kids like my own.He says he loves me, but I have doubts that he is being honest. He is constantly texting and emailing and never puts his phone down. He acts as if he is afraid I will look at it.
     I've been hurt before by lies and don't want to go through it again. Do you have any advice?
     --Scared and Lonely
Dear Scared and Lonely:
     No, I don't.
Dear John:
     I am a small woman with large breasts. I did not buy these. For years, I've tolerated leering men and boys, suggestive comments, questions about breast enhancement, and assumptions that I am of easy virtue. Some people are unable to make eye contact because they are staring at my bosom. Not to mention the idiots who cannot possibly take me seriously in the business world because of my cup size. I was once refused a job because the supervisor was worried what his wife would think.
     I have learned to deal with all that, but I have issues with the way other women treat me. Most take an immediate dislike to me. Men stare no matter how modestly I dress, and their wives and girlfriends glare at me, call me names they think I don't hear, and generally treat me like dirt.
     We talk about bullying because of body type, but doesn't this qualify? Women don't seem to see the hurt they cause, the chance at friendship they miss, or the chiropractic bills I have from hauling this things around. Breast reduction surgery is not an option for me right now.
     What can I do?
     --Bigger is Not Better
Dear Bigger is Not Better:
     If I was smart, I'd be a doctor. If I was ugly, I'd be Ron Jeremy. But I am who I am, and that's why I became what I became... and THAT'S your problem.  You're trying to live in the wrong world. In the "normal" world you're considered a freak and made to feel an outcast, but in the world of adult films you would be loved and welcomed into our community with open arms...
     ...and various other body parts.
Dear John:
     I've never read a letter with my problem: I'm not attracted to my husband anymore, and that's why I'm not having sex with him.
     I have a stronger sex drive than my husband, who will be 50 soon. when we were in our 30s, and he wasn't so overweight, I would initiate sex if he had bathed and brushed his teeth after coming home from his construction job dirty, sweaty, and greasy. The problem is that he stopped bathing, and I can't deal with his significant beer belly and horrible breath. Also, he has sinus issues and is constantly clearing his throat, which drives me nuts.
     I am in good shape, and other men still admire me, which only adds to my frustration. Actually, the frustration is turning into bitterness, because he makes no effort to get into better shape. Now I am simply turned off.
     Please let men know that they can't expect their wives to look great while they let themselves go.
     --Still Hot
Dear Still Hot:
     Don't kid yourself, I've seen your pictures on Facebook.
     You're a pig.
American Chimpanzee

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