The Week In Some Black Panther Tweets

I bought a bird feeder.
Unfortunately, it turned into a cat feeder.
 
The Olympics is bad for my diet.
Every time they show the Olympic symbol, I get an urge for onion rings.
 
Some people call Wednesday "Hump Day."
I call it "Three More Days Of Work."
 
The Olympics is bad for my diet.
I can't believe how hungry I get watching the finest athletes in the world compete.
That's why I train all year long.
 
In El Paso, Texas:
Kern Place and Cincinnati Entertainment District patrons will soon have to PAY for parking!
"As your elected officials, we're always looking for ways to drive away customers," the City Council explains.
 
This Just In!
President Trump Orders Regulations To BAN Devices Like Bump Stocks!
What if we just ban the part of the gun that actually SHOOTS the bullets?
"Now you're just being silly."
 
I like to live in the moment.
As long as the moment contains chocolate chip pancakes.
 
Movie Review:
In Black Panther, Wakanda is the most technologically advanced country In THE WORLD!
Yet this state of the art society STILL couldn't fix Forest Whitaker's lazy eye?
 
Movie Review:
Africa is the most drought-stricken continent on the planet!
This is because Black Panther's high-tech country of Wakanda diverts all available water to fuel its many scenic waterfalls.
 
How Rich Liberals Spend Their Money:
Jeff Bezos To Spend $42 MILLION To Build A Clock 200 Feet High In The Middle Of Nowhere!
What about helping the less fortunate?
"That's the government's job."
 
How Rich Liberals Spend Their Money:
Jeff Bezos To Spend $42 MILLION To Build A Clock That Will Last Ten THOUSAND Years That No One Will Be Able To See!
What about paying your "fair share"?
"That's YOUR job."
 
 
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
 


The Week In Occassional Olympic Tweets

To a dog, you're family.

To a cat, you're a personal assistant.

 

This Just In!

White House Staff Secretary Rob Porter RESIGNS After Ex-Wives Accuse Him Of Abuse!

"Can you believe he actually wanted me to have sex?" accused Colbie Holdernot.

"And cook?" added Jennifer Won't-oughby.

 

This Just In!

Las Vegas-Based Wynn Resort's Steve Wynn RESIGNS Amid Sexual Misconduct Allegations!

"What's the point of being rich and powerful if you can't abuse your wealth and power?" asked the confused casino mogul.

 

  This Just In!

Kylie Jenner Names Her New Baby With Travis Scott "STORMI"!

There are officially no more jokes to be made about the Kardashians now that they're making them themselves.

 

This Just In!

North Korea's Kim Jong-Un's Sister Will Join Him In South Korea For The Olympics!

"I love my sister, Kim Yo Jing," said the portly dictator. "THAT is why I've chosen her to be my personal food taster."

 

This Just In!

A Korean Intruder Was Forcibly EJECTED From the Olympics' Opening Ceremony!

Oh, well... maybe next time, Kim Jong-Un.

 

This Just In!

Houston Democrat Al Green Flies To Salvador To Visit The Recently Deported Jose Escobar To Spotlight The Plight Of Divided Families!

"And it only cost the American taxpayer 1.7 million dollars," the congressman bragged.

 

This Just In!

Houston Democrat Al Green Flies To Salvador To Visit The Recently Deported Jose Escobar To Spotlight The Plight Of Divided Families!

When given the choice to join him, his family unanimously declared, "HECK NO!"

 

This Just In!

Fifty Shades Freed!

NUMBER ONE At The Box Office!

Ladies...

...what are you doing with your lives?

 

My ex asked me if I knew a way she could improve her memory.

"Sober up," I suggested.

 

This Just In!

U.S. Senators Seek To CLOSE Haiti Orphanage Amid Abuse Claims!

"We figure they'd be better off in the streets," one senator reasoned.
   

This Just In!

U.S. Senators Seek To CLOSE Haiti Orphanage Amid Abuse Claims!

"We heard one of them said something nice about Trump," another explained.

 

HAPPY MARDI GRAS!

Today is FAT TUESDAY!

Or, as my ex likes to call it...

Tuesday.

 

Don't ever get the woman in your life clothes for Valentine's Day, but, if you do, buy them in a size zero.

She may hate the clothes, but she'll LOVE that you think she's a size zero.

 

This Just In!

Some Texas Schools STILL Face Busing Challenges After Hurricane Harvey!

"When did it become MY responsibility to get my kids to school," complains one typical parent.

 

February's a short month so Spring'll get here faster.

 

 

  American Chimpanzee

JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com

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@JimDuchene

 

Fifty Shades of Valentine's Day

For Valentine's Day, Christian decided to surprise me with a romantic trip to Italy.
     I couldn't help but feel conflicted.
     You see, my best friend Kate's marriage to Christian's brother was going through a bit of a rough patch due to the amount of traveling Elliot was having to do. Many was the night that Kate found herself alone in their mansion.
     "I wish I were the kind of wife who always knew where her husband was," she once confided in me.
     "And what kind of wife is that?" I asked her sympathetically.
     "A widow."
     But enough about Kate...
     On our first night there, Christian spent the evening performing cunnilingus, and I'm not talking about an aria from an opera by Bizet.
     The next afternoon, we found ourselves at an Italian restaurant.
     "Cameriere! Vieni qui!" Christian called out soon after we were served.
     "E come posso aiutarla, signore?" the waiter asked.
     "There's a hair in my spaghetti and meatballs!" Christian complained in Italian. "Portalo via!"
     Take it away!
     The waiter apologized profusely, and quickly took Christian's plate away.
     I smiled playfully at my beloved Christian.
     "You're such a control freak," I told him, feeling naughty. "You certainly weren't complaining when you found a little hair in your meal last night."
     "Perhaps, my delicious Ana" Christian replied, just as playfully, "but I certainly would have had I found a meatball."
 
 

American Chimpanzee

JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com

RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com

@JimDuchene

 

The Week In Already Outdated Tweets!

This Just In!

A Train Carrying Dozens Of Congressmen Spending YOUR Money Going To A "Policy Retreat" In The Country CRASH Into A Garbage Truck!

Talk about irony.

 

This Just In!

A Train Carrying Dozens Of Congressmen Spending YOUR Money Going To A "Policy Retreat" In The Country CRASH Into A Garbage Truck!

Why they were all not wearing pants has not yet been explained.

 

This Just In!

A Train Carrying Dozens Of Congressmen Spending YOUR Money Going To A "Policy Retreat" In The Country CRASH Into A Garbage Truck!

"We never saw those prostitutes before in our lives," they sputtered, explainingly.

 

This Just In!

Philadelphia Eagles WIN Super Bowl!

New England Patriots LOSE!

"See what happens when I can't deflate my footballs properly?" --Tom Brady

 

This Just In!

My Prediction For The Super Bowl Came TRUE!

Before the game, I predicted that if the Eagles won, Philadelphia fans would RIOT!

I predicted the same thing if they lost.

 

This Just In!

Poor Justin Timberlake.

His Super Bowl halftime show always seems cursed by something out of his control.

First, it was Janet Jackson's "wardrobe malfunction."

Now, it's Satan's projected shadow image at the end of his Prince tribute.

 

Dear Justin Timberlake,

I TOLD you I'd be back.

--Lucifer

 

 

American Chimpanzee

JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com

RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com

@JimDuchene

  

The Week In Quincy Jones VS Taylor Swift Tweets!

As a person of color, I can't help but see white Hollywood's shunning of Uppity, a documentary about the first black race car driver, to be an overt act of racism.

#FortyAcresAndAMule

 

This Just In!

Quincy Jones!

HATES!

Taylor Swift's Music!

"But what do I know, I'm old."

 

This Just In!

Quincy Jones!

HATES!

Taylor Swift's Music!

"You know what else I hate? Progress!"

 

This Just In!

Quincy Jones!

HATES!

Taylor Swift's Music!

"You know what else I hate? Indoor plumbing! Why can't we use an outhouse, the way we used to?"

 

This Just In!

Quincy Jones!

HATES!

Taylor Swift's Music!

"You know what else I hate? Electricity! If reading by candlelight was good enough for me and my buddy Abe Lincoln, it should be good enough for YOU!

I wonder what happened to Honest Abe."

 

 

This Just In!

Quincy Jones!

HATES!

Taylor Swift's Music!

"You know what else I hate? Cars! Me and Buttercup used to get around just fine without no combustible engine. I sure do miss ol' Buttercup."

 

This Just In!

Quincy Jones!

HATES!

Taylor Swift's Music!

"You know what else I hate? UPS! Whenever I need to ship something, I always tell my people: 'Make sure it goes via the Pony Express.'"

 

This Just In!

Quincy Jones!

HATES!

Taylor Swift's Music!

"You know what else I hate? Airplanes! If man were meant to fly, we'd all have wings."

 

This Just In!

Quincy Jones!

HATES!

Taylor Swift's Music!

""You know what else I hate? Homosexuals! It's Adam & Eve, not Adam & Steve."

 

This Just In!

Quincy Jones!

HATES!

Taylor Swift's Music!

"You know what else I hate? Saltwater taffy! Taffy's not so bad. Why do they have to add saltwater to it?"

 

This Just In!

Quincy Jones!

HATES!

Taylor Swift's Music!

"You know what else I hate? Cell phones! That contraption will NEVER catch on."

 

 

American Chimpanzee

JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com

RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com

@JimDuchene

 

No Good Deed

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine

desertexposure.com

 

I don’t know what it is about newspapers, but they must think their readers have unlimited time and money to cook the recipes they feature in their pages.

    Most of us, we have jobs. We don’t want to come home and spend hours fixing something that can easily be bought at Sam’s or Costco or the corner gas station. Not to mention the cleanup afterward. Also, if I fill my refrigerator with food, where am I going to keep my beer?

    The recipes always seem to require a cornucopia of ingredients that you probably don’t have and will never use again. I don’t think Jesus multiplied the fishes into a number that high. It just seems to me that newspapers should acknowledge that we live in a different world now, and there’s no longer enough hours in the day for us to prepare these extravagant meals.

    Recently, my local newspaper printed something by The Culinary Institute of America. By recently, I mean I’m too lazy to look up the actual date. It was an article on how to cook Mole Poblano.

   The recipe, if you can call it that since it's about the same length as Moby Dick, required twenty-six--TWENTY-SIX!--different ingredients. The Institute assured it’s readers it would only take an approximate three hours to prepare and cook from start to finish. That much and that long just to feed eight people.

    Five, if you include my mother-in-law.

   The way I figure it, the time the article says the dish requires to prepare is a best-case scenario, because I know for an average guy like me it would take closer to six hours, maybe more. Six hours, because you have to factor in the time I’ll spend driving to Walmart.

     Why Walmart?

     Because I’m cheap.

    Anyway, in addition to that, there’s my wandering around lost, going up and down the food aisles, searching for the ingredients I don’t have, which is ALL of them, and finally ending my adventure standing in a long checkout line, stuck behind someone with their shopping cart filled to overflowing, because I always have at least one item too many to enter the Ten Items Or Less line.

   Throwing good sense to the wind, I decided to surprise my wife and cook her an early Valentine’s Day dinner. She LOVES mole, so I knew it would be a real treat for her. She might even desire to reward me later with an early Valentine’s Day present of her own, if you get my drift.

    If you don’t, that’s okay, too.

    So I left to purchase what I needed. As it turned out, the total came to $94.93.

     For ONE meal!

     I opened my wallet and saw a lonely moth fly out. Once home, I had to find all the required measuring equipment and cooking utensils. With twenty-six ingredients to prepare, what were the odds I had all the necessary equipment?

   Turns out, I didn’t.

   Once back from Walmart, after buying the one cooking tool I didn’t have, I began to prepare my twenty-five ingredients.

   Twenty-five?

   Darn.

   Okay, I’m back.

   I began to prepare my twenty-six ingredients.

   If there’s one thing in life I’ve learned, it’s that everything takes longer than it’s supposed to. That was especially true in this case. When I was done and the mole was simmering, I put the leftover ingredients away for when I might have an occasion to use them again. In other words, I’ll be throwing them away a year from now.

    My father shuffled over to take a look.

    “What are you doing?” he wanted to know.

    “I’m making dinner,” I told him.

    “I’m not eating that,” he told me back.

    This, from a man who used to catch and cook lizards in the Philippine jungle during World War Two.

   My wife seemed to enjoy my efforts.

    “It’s good,” she said, just before excusing herself to go throw up in the bathroom.

    She thoughtfully only spent half the time in the bathroom than she did when she got Montezuma’s Revenge on our last vacation out of the country. As it turns out, you really aren’t supposed to drink the water in Mexico.

    I put what was left over into my father’s dog’s food dish. Dogs will eat anything. Anything, that is, except my cooking. He took one sniff, and then waddled out of the kitchen. If he  had fingers, I’m sure he would have done something interesting with one of them.

   By the end of the affair, I was disheartened. With the amount of time and money I spent, I would have been better off taking my lovely wife out for a nice dinner at her favorite restaurant. No fuss. No muss. No reason to cuss.

    By being romantic I had the whole kitchen to clean up, dishes to wash, and an empty bank account to replenish. Not to mention a wife politely trying to keep her volume in our bathroom on low so it wouldn’t interrupt my father’s television viewing.

    She’s thoughtful that way.

    Briefly, I wondered if she’d fall for the old “I cooked, you clean.”

    Probably not.

    Well, chalk that one up to experience.

    I looked around for some cleaning supplies.

    Darn.

    I had to go back to Walmart.

      

Visit JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com, RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com, or @JimDuchene and learn important cooking tips.

Such as not leaving chicken out too long.

 

 

American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com

@JimDuchene