Today's Horrorscope! #2121

Today's Horrorscope!

Sagittarius: I wouldn't get out of bed if I were you.

Pisces: Hmm... what's that lump? 

Aquarius: You'll never be good enough.

Taurus: Is that a clown hiding in your closet?

Virgo: Crazy people don't care about restraining orders.

Aries: Maybe it's a tumor.

Gemini: There's no point in buying those green bananas.

Libra: Fortunately, it won't be painful.

Cancer: You're about to learn the meaning of the word irony.

Capricorn: Is your health insurance paid up? Just asking.

Scorpio: How long have you had that mole?

Leo: Your neighbor hasn't fed his pit bull in four days.

Jim Duchene

Chief Scienstrogist

  

American Chimpanzee

JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com

RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com

@JimDuchene

  

The Week In Tweets: Special Saint Patrick's Day Edition!

 Fake News Reports!

I can get by on four hours of sleep a night... 

...and six more at work.

I'm grumpy...

...even AFTER I've had my coffee, too.

We come into this world alone, we go out of this world alone, and, in between,

there's dating apps.

#SixWordHorrorStory

#SixWordHorrorStories

The green beer gave me cancer.

According to fact-checking site Lead Story, BBC journalists, and Mashable, the video of Joe Biden outside of the White House and strolling the south lawn is real.

"Can you tell me where I am?" he asked a group of reporters.

Just got my Trump Vaccine.

I wonder what my super power is gonna be.

Billionairess Kylie Jenner Is Expecting Her Fans Via GoFundMe To Pay For Her Best Friend & Makeup Artist Samuel Rauda's Surgery After A Car Accident!

"Well, you certainly don't expect ME to pay for it?"

Trying To Take Credit For Trump's Coronavirus Vaccine, A Confused Joe Biden Has Instead Mistakenly Taken Credit For The 500,000 Deaths COVID-19 Has Caused!

  

American Chimpanzee

JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com

RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com

@JimDuchene

  

Dear John: Special Paranoid Edition!

 Hard Core Advice

From Hard Core’s Hardest Core...

John Leslie!

  
Dear John,

     My father is 68-years-old. He's active and in good health, but he's become increasingly obsessed with which of his children will get which of his belongings when he dies. Almost every conversation with us now consists of "So-and-so will get such-and-such IF he or she is good." I'm glad he's thinking ahead and putting his affairs in order, but I feel like he's missing out on living his life in the present. It's been months since we've been able to talk about normal things.

     How do I get him to stop this obsession?
     --Annoyed
  

Dear Annoyed,

Your father has eight weeks to live.

  
Dear John,

     Every Christmas or birthday, my son makes plans with his wife's family rather than ours. I can't remember the last time we've enjoyed a holiday with him and our grandchildren.

     Any suggestions?
     --Lonely
  

Dear Lonely,

Give better gifts.
  

Dear John,

     My husband and I have problems communicating because he says I don't talk enough, but that's just the way I am. I'm not saying being the silent type is right, but he married me knowing I have a hard time making conservation just for the sake of conversation. I don't mind sitting back and listening to him while he rambles on forever, though. In fact, I prefer it that way, but he can't understand why I don't like to talk, especially since it comes so easily for him.  He says it makes him feel as if I don't care about our marriage as much as he does, but that's not true, and it really hurts my feelings. 

     Any suggestions?
     --Silent
  

Dear Silent,

Your husband's a putz.
  

Confidential to Paranoid:

Who told you about me?
  

American Chimpanzee

JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com

RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com

@JimDuchene

  

The Week In Tweets: Special Great News Edition!

  Fake News Reports!

Look at that full moon!

I can practically hear my ex howling.

I just saw the Oprah Winfrey interview with The Royal Formerly Known As Prince Harry & Meghan Markle.

You know, there was a time when the English conquered the world.

Now they just whine to the world.

When my ex wanted us to renew our vows, I asked her:

"Why make the same mistake twice?"

My favorite exercise is the Diddly-Squat.

The Royal Formerly Known As Prince Harry & Meghan Markle ask for everyone to please respect their privacy...

...except when it comes to watching their high-profile interviews.

Great News!

The CDC has given their permission for fully vaccinated people to socialize with other fully vaccinated people without having to use masks.

Now all I need is to find fully vaccinated people I like enough to socialize with.

I'm not hard of hearing.

I'm TIRED of hearing.

Musical artist The Weeknd--renowned for his spelling abilities--announces that from this day forward he will boycott the Grammys!

"...for as long as it helps my record sales."

I bought a waterbed at the John Gotti estate sale...

There was a body at the bottom of it.

Green Eggs And Ham?

Dr. Seuss must have a refrigerator like mine.

Jim Duchene

Fake News Chief Correspondent

  

American Chimpanzee

JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com

RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com

@JimDuchene

  

The Week In Tweets: Special Enjoy The Simulation Edition!

  The Nobis

"Nos Enim Humus"

Why is the water in the shower colder than the water in the sink?

If life is but a dream,

then what the heck am I doing when I'm asleep?

Effective immediately:

The Nobis forbids the use of the phrase "separating children from their parents".

Instead, we suggest the words "unaccompanied minors" be used in its place.

Hollywood Beauties Sharon Stone & Charlize Theron Have Both Posted Profiles On Dating Apps, Their Feminist Lament being:

"WHY WON'T MEN ASK US OUT?"

To: FBI Director Christopher Wray

From: The Nobis

You said all the right things.

You will be rewarded.

Marriage:

When the apple of your eye becomes the potato of your couch.

Ever wonder why some mornings something will feel off, but you can't put your finger on what?

It's because sometime, in the middle of the night,

The Nobis moved all your furniture an inch to the right.

Can ghosts die?

OF COURSE you're entitled to your own opinion.

The Nobis just doesn't want to hear them.

Now sit back and enjoy the simulation.

Jim Duchene

Fake News Chief Correspondent

  

American Chimpanzee

JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com

RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com

@JimDuchene

  

Dad's New Dog

 as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine

My father's best friend recently left us for that great boneyard in the sky. After a short period, he told us he wanted to adopt a new one.

Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! 

  
     I campaigned against it, but found I was outvoted when the mail-in ballots were counted. I didn't want to accuse anyone of anything, but it looked suspiciously like election fraud to me. 

Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! 

     "I'll help him take care of it," my grandson swore on a stack of pancakes.

      More and more, there was reason to suspect this election had been rigged.

  

Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! 

  

     "Please, grandpa," my granddaughter asked, hugging me tight, her eyes all googly and stuff. "I love it already."

      I could see there would be no recount.

  

Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! 

  

     One trip to the pound later, and a new puppy was inaugurated into our family.

  

Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! 

     That night, I was upstairs watching TV.

  

Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! 

  

     My father was suppose to be taking care of his new puppy, but I wasn't so sure. The constant insurrection was driving me nuts.

Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! 

  
     I looked at my wife in bed next to me. She was trying to read, but couldn't concentrate. The barking was driving her nuts as well, but she was trying to pretend that it wasn't.
     No getting lucky tonight.

Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! 

  

     My grandson was nowhere to be found.

  
Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! 
  
     I finally got up to see what the problem was.
     "You'd better not tell your father anything," my beautiful but bossy wife warned me on my way out.
     "I'll do what I want," I told her, wisely abbreviating it into an "Okay."
  
Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! 
  

     I was expecting to find the new puppy by itself, left all alone.

  

Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! 

  
     Instead, I found him sitting next to my Dad.

Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! 

     Barking at nothing.

Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! 

     And for no reason.

Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! 

     My life just keeps getting better and better.

Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! 

     "Heh, heh," my Dad chuckled when he saw me, and gave me a what-can-I-do? look. 

Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark!  Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark!

     "He likes to bark," my father explained.
  
Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! 

     "Crazy dog," he said, giving his new friend an affectionate pat on the head. 

Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! 

     That dog better pray my Dad sticks around.
  
  

American Chimpanzee 

JimDuchene.blogspot.com

RaisingMyFather.blogspot.com

@JimDuchene