Saturday, October 31, 2020

The Week In Tweets: Special Election 2020 Edition!

 Fake News Reports!  

About last night's debate...
If I wanted to see two old people argue, I'd go visit my parents.
  
FIVE Of Vice-President Mike Pence's Aides Have Tested POSITIVE For The Coronavirus!
Five aides and one fly.
  
San Francisco Becomes A National Leader In The Slowing Of Covid-19!
"And they said letting the homeless poop in the streets was a bad idea," a vindicated Nancy Pelosi babbles smugly.
  
Presidential Candidate Kamala Harris Reveals President Trump's Secret Plan To Suppress Democrat Voters By Leaving Banana Peels Outside Of Voting Booths For Them To Slip On!
  
Political Racist Don Lemon Admits On His CNN Show To Dumping Friends Whose Political Beliefs Don't Agree With His!
"Yeah, I'm that kind of guy," he sniffs.
  
Political Racist Chelsea Handler Brags To The Tonight Show's Jimmy Fallon On NBC That She Had To Remind Thug Rapper & Trump Supporter 50 Cent "That He Was Black"!
Thank God for whitey,
  
50 Cent... the Prince Harry of rap music.
  
Remember, America, trick-or-treaters for UNICEF will be collecting your mail-in ballots on Halloween.
  
The Country-Wide Cancellation Of Halloween Due To Coronavirus Concerns Derails Democrats' Plan To Hand Out Mail-In Ballots To Lucky Trick-Or-Treaters!
  
This Just In!
NFL Hall Of Famer Brett Favre ENDORSES Donald Trump!
"Well, that's just the push we needed," America's undecided voters declare.
  
The McRib Is Rolling Out NATIONALLY For The First Time In EIGHT Years In Anticipation Of President Donald Trump's Re-Election!
"Hey, we never said that," stammers McDonald's, nervously.
Look for it December 2nd.
  
Just In Time For Halloween!
Joe Biden reveals his Top Five FAVORITE scary movies:
5) Hmm...
4) What's that name again?
3) It's right there on the tip of my tongue.
2) Oh, yeah... it's
1) The 2020 presidential election.
  
FUTURE Fake News!
Biden WINS!
With nothing to report, CNN & MSNBC go out of business!
  
Jim Duchene
Fake News Chief Correspondent
  
  
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
  

Sunday, October 18, 2020

The Week In Tweets: Special F-Bomb Edition!

 Fake News Reports!
  
Don't you hate it when you see some old fart and then realize you went to high school with them?
  
Don't you hate it when you see some old fart and then realize you went to high school with them?
Now imagine how you'd feel if you saw the TWO of them debating each other on TV.
  
In His Debate Against President Trump, Joe Biden DID NOT Wear A Wire To Give Himself An Unfair Advantage, The Associated Press Insists!
"And WE know because HE told us."
  
Autocorrect is a pain in the asset.
  
To fully appreciate the Sisteen Chapel, do I first have to appreciate the first fisteen?
  
New York Times Publishes Story From An Anonymous Source That President Trump Was Considering Wearing A Superman Shirt To Make A Dramatic Exit From The Hospital!
"We'll publish anything anyone tells us," the newspaper of record admits.
  
President Trump Drops Huge F-Bomb On The Rush Limbaugh Show!
I don't blame Trump.
Listening to Rush Limbaugh makes me want to use the f-word, too.
  
Hang on,
I've got a text from my smart refrigerator.
It's giving me a heads up that I'm having leftovers for dinner tonight.
  
Things To Do:
1) Spend all my waking hours working toward my dreams.
2) Go back to sleep because I have no dreams.
  
Why do "careGIVER" and "careTAKER" mean the same thing?
  
Jim Duchene
Fake News Chief Correspondent
  
  
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
  

Saturday, October 17, 2020

The Week In Tweets: Special Stable Genius Edition!

  Fake News Reports!

President Donald Trump--Stable Genius Deal-Maker & Space Force Founder--Negotiates A Historic Deal Between Galactic Empire And Rebel Alliance!
  
Stable Genius Deal-Maker & LGBT Supporter Donald Trump Negotiates A Historic Peace Deal Between Ellen DeGeneres And Her Staff!
  
Stable Genius Deal Maker Donald Trump--Who Was Country When Country Wasn't Cool--Negotiates A Historic Peace Deal Between The Hatfields And McCoys!
  
CNN & Politico Both Confirm That Joe Biden DID NOT Use A Teleprompter During His Interview With Telemundo!
"No, my voice was dubbed in by Sofia Vergara," he explains.
  
Annoyed By Persistent Republican Rumors Concerning His Mental Acuity, Presidential Wannabe Joe Biden Forcefully Sets The Record Straight In His Telemundo Interview!
"C'mon, man! I categorically DENY ever using a teleprompter in ANY of my interviews and continued on next page."
  
Proving We Can All Get Along, Antifa & Black Lives Matter Work Feverishly To Rebuild America's Infrastructure Destroyed By Rioters And Anarchists!
"We need something to burn down when Trump wins re-election," they explain.
  
Astronomers Have Determined That "The Great Red Spot" On Jupiter (Actually A Storm Big Enough To Swallow Earth) Is SHRINKING!
Damn this global warming!
  
This Just In!
The Walking Dead!
Is Finally Ending!
To be immediately followed by a Carol/Daryl spin-off.
So...um... The Walking Dead isn't really ending then, is it?
  
The Bloomberg QuickTake Reports On The Flying Cars And Enthusiastic 100% Face Mask Wearing Compliance Of Beijing's 2020 Auto Show!
"China's the BEST," Bloomberg gushes.
 
Proving We Can All Get Along, Antifa & Black Lives Matter Work Feverishly To Rebuild America's Infrastructure Destroyed By Rioters & Anarchists!
"We need something to burn down when Trump wins re-election," they explain.
  
Jim Duchene
Fake News Chief Correspondent
  

American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
  

Saturday, October 3, 2020

All The Way Home

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine
desertexposure.com
 
I like to kid my brother that his grandson would rather do anything else than go hiking with him.
    “Sorry, grandpa, but I have calculus to do.”
    “But you won’t have calculus until you get to high school.”
     “I don’t want to wait until the last minute.”
Before hiking trails and playgrounds were taped off like crime scenes, my granddaughter had a great idea: “Let’s have a picnic on the mountain,” she said.
     She was talking about a hiking trail where I’ve taken her before. 
     “That’s a GREAT idea,” I told her. I like how all the female hikers fuss over her.
     “She’s so pretty,” they’ll say, and I’ll modestly agree.
     So we packed up our Chick-fil-A nuggets and headed for the great outdoors, only it was kind of breezy in the great outdoors. Inside the city wasn’t bad, but we were no longer inside the city. 
     “Are there any snakes?” she asked, as we started up the trail. 
     “No,” I assured her, but kept my eye on the trail. I remembered how a snake once made my brother-in-law glad he wore brown shorts when a group of us went hiking. 
     “Don’t worry,” I assured him. ”It was a baby snake.” 
     “How do you know?”
     “I heard its rattle.”
     Meanwhile...
     “How about hyenas?” my granddaughter asked, going through her list of Disney animal villains.
     “There’s no hyenas either,” I told her. “I would never take you someplace dangerous.”
     But she wasn’t so sure.
     “The animals won’t try to get our food when we’re eating?” she asked.
     You know, that was a pretty good question.
     “Sweetie,” I assured her, “the animals are afraid of YOU. They’ll stay away. You don’t have to be afraid.”
     “I’m not afraid,” she said in her little girl voice.
     The breeze was more like a wind now. The sun’s rays were warm, but the wind was cold—maybe  the devil is only beating his mistress when that happens*—so I handed my granddaughter the light jacket my beautiful wife insisted I bring for her.
     “We don’t need it,” I had argued.
     “Take it,” she insisted.
     So I took it.
     How do mommies know? Anyway...
     My granddaughter didn’t care for the cold wind.
     “You shouldn’t have brought me,” she told me.
     “It was YOUR idea,” I told her back.
     “It wasn’t a good idea,” she said.
     “It was a GREAT idea,” I said back, trying to sound chipper. 
     Well, to make a long story short, we found some big rocks that blocked the wind and had a nice picnic.
     On the hike back down, she asked me, “What’s THAT?”
     She was referring to the long sticks some hikers were using as walking staffs.
     “They’re called Desert Spoons,” I said, pointing them out to her. She didn’t buy my explanation.
     “They don’t LOOK like spoons,” she told me. She was right, but I went on with my explanation anyway.
     “The trunk growing out of the middle is what they’re using,” I said.
     “Can I have one?” she asked.
     “Sure,” I told her, meaning we’d pick up a discarded one somewhere along the trail. I'm not one to vandalize some poor desert plant if I don't have to.
     She immediately began walking into the desert to get her own.
I stopped her.
     “Don’t EVER go off the trail,” I warned her. “NEVER.”
     “Are you mad at me?” she wanted to know.
     “No,” I assured her, “but don’t ever leave the trail.”
     I was going to add, “You could get lost,” but I didn’t want to scare her. She has enough issues with Bambi’s mom and Simba’s dad.
     I found one further down the trail. It was about five feet into the desert. I let go of her hand.
     “Wait here,” I told her.
     As I took one step into the desert, she pulled me back.
     “Grandpa,” she chastised, “don’t EVER go off the trail.”
     “You’re right,” I told her, but how was I going to get it for her if I didn’t? So I said, “Don’t let go of my hand,” and I stepped into the desert.
     “Don’t fall into the lava,” she warned me.
     I smiled.
     What is it with kids and lava?
     I picked up an older, uglier stick and used it to drag over the one I wanted. I then used a sharp rock to shave off the jagged parts that could give her a splinter. I wanted her walking stick to be smooth. She picked up a rock and started to help me. When we were done, I handed it to her.
     “Here,” I said, and she took it.
     “Thanks, grandpa,” she said, admiring her new walking stick.
     A boy ran past us. Seconds after, a girl did, too.
     “Don’t run, you fools,” I said, under my breath. I explained to her that if you run down a mountain gravity takes over and you can’t stop.
     “And you’ll get hurt?” she asked me, her eyes wide with concern.
     “Hurt bad,” I said.
     She looked down toward the two disappearing figures and yelled, “DON’T RUN, YOU FOOLS!”
     When we made it back to my truck, I put her new walking stick in the back and told her, “Next week we’ll go to a DIFFERENT hiking trail. We’ll stop at Chubb’s and get some of the best barbecue for another picnic. At the top of the mountain there’s a big cave. We can eat there.”
     She thought about the cave.
     “Do wild animals live there?” she said.
     I assured her it was safe.
     “I don’t like wild animals,” she said. “They can eat you.”
    My little girl had a point.
    We got on the road and she slept all the way home.
Sadly, we never made it to Chubb’s.
The world stopped turning before we could, and, shortly thereafter, they went out of business.
***************************************************************
*Read “Moonheads” in the April 2020 edition of Desert Exposure.


American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com

@JimDuchene