"This makes it all worthwhile," the Aurora, Colorado murderer said when he was informed of this milestone by the Public Defender assigned to him (and paid for by you and I, my friend). "Before this, I was a loser, a nobody. Now I'm... The Joker! So I'd like to thank the media for making my fondest dream come true."
When asked how he liked prison, Holmes rubbed his backside gingerly and said, "Prison's not so bad, as long as you don't mind the anal rape."
Apparently, my worst prison nightmare is James Holmes' idea of a good date.
In the end, the joke was on Holmes. In an attempt to look like his fantasy boyfriend, he dyed his hair a garishly cartoonish orange diarrhea-type color. The only problem is... the Joker doesn't have orange hair! He has green hair. James "Not-Sherlock" Holmes may be evil, but he's certainly not a genius. The media might have at least mentioned this, but they were too busy going after Dane Cook, because, as we all know, it's the comedians who are the problem.
What must it say about the size of Holmes' pathetic personal hand-warmer that he would over-compensate in such a horrific manner? (And, no, for the record it is not true that if you look in the dictionary for the word "impotent" you'll find a picture of James Holmes.) Sadly, Holmes' soggy noodle is so small, when he showed up in court, the judge almost threw out the case for lack of evidence.
The Times was able to exclusively locate the diseased, one-eyed prostitute who allegedly claimed that Holmes was one of her clients. They sent their best reporter, Steven Glass, to interview her.
"Sex with The Jacker was like trying to push an oyster through a keyhole," she told him, as she hacked out a blob of phlegm.
"Don't you mean The Joker?" Steven asked her.
"No. The working girls in our stable called him The Jacker," she clarified, and playfully flicked the dandruff out of her lice-infested hair. She spat out a gooey green substance into her purse, and snapped it shut. "I'll save that one for later," she said to no one in particular, and then turned back to Glass, who was carefully not touching her with the ten-foot pole he always carried with him for just such occasions. "The first time I saw him in all his glory, I could've sworn he had two innie belly-buttons. His performance in the sack was so embarrassing it's gone viral on YouTube."
Steven Glass nodded his head, and, when she began to intently pick at her scabbies, made a mental note to later bathe in a tub full of liquid hand sanitizer.
I watched with interest the news conference by San Diego attorney Lisa Damiani, the spokeswoman for the Holmes family.
"I'm not going to comment on how they are feeling," Damiani said "but they feel almost as bad as when they realized how much money they've wasted sending him to college."
When asked if Holmes' parents stand behind him, Damiana answered, "Yes, they do. He's their son, they love him, and they know better than to stand in front of him."
The attorney also wanted to clarify what Holmes' mother, Mrs. Please-Don't-Call-Me-By-My-Real-Name Holmes, told an ABC News reporter. When first informed that her son was a suspect in a mass shooting, ABC News claims that her initial response was, "You have the right person."
"What my client meant to say was: 'My son is not the kind of person who... aw, who am I kidding? He's so guilty O.J. Simpson laughs at him.' "
"We stand by our reporting," ABC News said, "especially the stuff we make up."
Damiani also wanted to set the media straight on various other rumors that have sprung up about Holmes that are allegedly untrue.
"First," she said, "I'd like to clarify that if you look up the word NAMBLA in the dictionary you will NOT find a picture of James Holmes. And, no, it is not true that if you say the name James Holmes, San Franciscan gerbils curl into the fetal position and tremble in fear. While it IS true that his fellow prisoners have give him the nickname "The Restaurant," it is NOT because he takes deliveries in the rear. I don't know where the following rumor came from, but it IS NOT true that the only difference between James Holmes and a washing machine is that, after you drop a load in a washing machine, it doesn't follow you around afterward. AND at no time did James Holmes EVER want to join the Army just because he heard there was a Fort Dix. AND, while James Holmes DOES go to church, it is NOT because he enjoys playing with the organ. AND I don't know who started THIS vile rumor, but the Million Man March WAS NOT a line to James Holmes' bedroom. What's that? You, the reporter in the back row, what did you say? Is it true that James Holmes' tongue has jock itch? The medical tests HAVE NOT yet confirmed this, so, please, ix-nay on the ockitch-jay. And, finally, while James Holmes might have the maturity of a spoiled baby in its terrible two's, he IS NOT a gay pedophile who molests little boys...
"...he's not strong enough to hold them down."