Friday, July 13, 2012

Fixing A Bad Economy

El Paso's hard up for cash.  I understand that.  Nobody's writing songs about us any more.  Marty Robbins has died, and so has the taxpayer's desire to pay more taxes.  The only time I hear El Paso mentioned in the national news is when the news is bad.
     El Paso's too fat.  Too sweaty.  Too ugly.  And that's just our City Council.
     Hard choices have to be made...  and I'm just the guy to make them.
     One idea I've had, and I know I'll have some opposition on this, is that we feed the animals at the Zoo the cats and dogs that aren't adopted from the Humane Society.  Feeding the animals at the Zoo is expensive, and we need to cut the cost of that somehow.  Likewise, the Humane Society.
     I don't want to hear any complaints about my idea from the people who haven't bothered to adopt a dog or a cat, which is, um, just about everybody in El Paso.  I, myself, have three dogs, and I'm not refering to my ex-wives.  I'm talking about my always-hungry pit bulls.  All three of which I adopted from the Animal Shelter. 
     And let me take this opportunity to once again tell my gaggle of angry neighbors that it's merely a coincidence that their cats began running away and never being seen or heard from again at the same time I got my dogs.  If you would have kept your small pets inside your home, instead of letting them roam freely outdoors, then you would still have them.  Don't try to transfer the blame on me for your being a bad pet owner.
     Anyway, as far as adopting pets from the Humane Society goes, I've done my part, and anybody willing to do theirs, please stand up. 
     I'm waiting...  I'm waiting...  yeah, that's what I thought.
     My idea saves this city money in several ways.  One, you don't have to pay someone to put those poor animals in the Humane Society who have passed their expiration date to sleep.  Two, you don't have to pay someone to transport the lifeless bodies to the various asian buffets around town.  And three, you can sell tickets to feeding time at the Zoo.
     I believe watching the Zoo animals chase down and kill their food would be very entertaining, as well as educational.  When my eleven year-old watches Animal Planet with me, and we see a predator of some kind hunt and kill its prey, she'll ask me:  "Why did the big animal kill the little animal, Daddy?"
     "Because the little animal didn't do its homework," I'll tell her. 
     Needless to say, my eleven year-old is a straight-A student.
     We'll no longer have to buy Zoo animals food, or pay to have that food delivered or stored.  Refrigerated or prepared.  And, on the other hand, we won't have to pay to take care of unadoptable animals.  No more room and board or food and vet bills for the huddled masses of fur yearning to run free.
     To make it more entertaining for the kiddies, we could break one of the unadopted cat's legs, so that it has a fighting chance, but the outcome is still guaranteed.  Imagine your children's enjoyment as they watch the cat nobody wanted trying to hobble away before being pounced on and eaten by a distant relative.  It'll remind you of Thanksgiving at that relative's house that you could never get along with.
     You know the one I'm talking about.
     Speaking of holidays, we can dress up the dogs and cats in cute little costumes for Halloween.  We can dress them up as evil witches or scary devils.  Jason Voorhies of Friday the 13th.  Freddy Krueger of Nightmare on Elm Street.  Jerry Sandusky of Penn State
     We could even make a deal with Hollywood and dress them up as villians for upcoming movies.  George Lucas is probably, right this minute, preparing to re-re-re-re-release his Star Wars franchise.  I think he'd pay big bucks for us to dress up a scottish terrier as Darth Vader, and toss it into the bear exhibit.  We can call the bear by one of those ridiculous Star Wars names, like Kony Stalloney, and post the results on YouTube.  Las Vegas might even want to get in on the action.
     Dangle one of those annoyingly yappy chihuahuas from a rope above the shark tank, and you'll have an attraction that will rival anything they have at Sea World.
     And my idea isn't just limited to the animals in the Humane Society.  As I drive down I-10, past those cow pastures between Texas/New Mexico, I think to myself, I sure would like to take one their cows and stick it in the vampire bat exhibit.
     I bet you would, too.
     To solve the housing crises in El Paso, I have one sure-fire solution to the problem:  Kick your kids out of your house!  The housing crises was caused by grown children not moving out of their parent's home, not buying homes of their own, and, therefore, stagnating the housing market.  They get married, raise families, but they never move out.  Your child's financial strategy shouldn't be waiting for you to die.
     Another idea I had was to get in the reality TV business.  We can combine the very successful Storage Wars with the very successful border Cartel Wars.  In it, a group of people with nothing better to do than want to be on television can all bid for the right to buy a storage locker or container.  Highest bid gets it.  But what will you find inside?  Maybe money.  Maybe guns.  Maybe drugs.  But most likely, body parts and severed heads.
     "See this ring?" one of the lucky contestants can say, as he holds up a severed finger with a ring on it.  "That's a real diamond.  I can get two grand for it."

Fifty Shades of Funny

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