Sunday, July 30, 2017

The Week In You Be Old Tweets

This Just In!
In a secret prison letter to Madonna, Tupac Shakur revealed why he broke up with her!
"You be old, bee-YOTCH!"
This Just In!
North Korea successfully tests ICBM!
North Korean Scientists now plan to aim one toward their greatest threat:
Kim Jong-un!
North Korea: "Our father who art in Heaven, Kim Jong-un be thy name... we WISH!"
(You see, that would mean he's dead.)
(Um, nevermind.)
Autopsy shows drugs in Star War's Carrie Fisher's system when she died.
Let this be a lesson, kids:
Cocaine DOES NOT make you thin.
China censors gay kiss in Alien Covenant because it reminds President Xi Jinping too much of his relationship with North Korea's Kim Jong-un.
This Just In!
Johnny Depp calls for the assassination of the president!
Too bad he doesn't call for a bath.
Despite his "joke" about assassinating the president, Johnny Depp clarifies he would never kill Trump.
"I'm too busy hitting women."
This Just In!
Jay Z helps bail out dads for Father's Day because "every man deserves a second chance to beat his wife and kids."
Kathy Griffin apologized for her Decapitated Trump pic, yet swears she'll double-down on her attacks because "I'm not done ruining my career."
"I apologize for my inappropriate photo of a decapitated President Trump," says a contrite Kathy Griffin. "I'm old and I've never been married."
"She's sorry for her Decapitated Trump photo," apologizes Kathy Griffin's career after noticing the backlash. "She's old and going to die alone."
This Just In!
Harry Styles releases new CD!
Fans and critics debate meaning of his lyrics.
"I didn't write any of these songs, you idiots," he clarifies.
Boy, was Superman surprised when he flew Lois Lane to the Fortress of Solitude in the Artic and discovered upon arrival that she had froze to death.
What killed L Ron Hubbard?
Someone asked him: "So who created Lord Xenu?"
Bill Clinton: "I need some Viagra."
Pharmacist: "Do you have a prescription?"
Bill Clinton: "No, but here's a picture of my wife."
Why didn't Han Solo enjoy his steak?
It was Chewie.
I'm not saying my ex is the dimmest bulb in the pack, but at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, she told me, "His family must be so proud."
There are no guarantees in life.
Just ask the dinosaurs.
American Chimpanzee

Sunday, July 23, 2017

The Week In Tweets: Scientology

Princess Leia: "Help me, L Ron Hubbard. You're my only hope."
Game of Thetans:
"A Scientologist always pays his debts."
Game of Thetans:
"Winter is clearing."
Knock, knock!
"Who's there?"
Lord Xenu!
"Lord Xenu who?"
Puny humans! BOW before the majesty that is Lord Xenu!
Scientology Affirmations:
An Engram saved is an Engram earned.
Scientology Affirmations:
Four score and seven trillion years ago, our fathers brought forth Dianetics.
Scientology Affirmations:
I never met an Operating Thetan I didn't like.
Scientology Affirmations:
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, and you're Fair Game.
Scientology Affirmations:
Our Father, who art in Heaven, L Ron Hubbard be thy name.
Scientology Affirmations:
Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled Thetans yearning to be free.
Scientology Affirmations:
L Ron Hubbard is my shepherd. I shall not Goof The Floof.
Charles Manson was a Scientologist briefly while in prison. Which goes to show, if it was too crazy for him...
American Chimpanzee

Friday, July 21, 2017

The Week In Tweets (7/22/17)

Can Republicans repeal and replace ObamaCare?
"We can't do shit," admits Mitch McConnell, talking about the clogged toilet that is Congress.

This Just In!
OJ Simpson!
After almost ten years in prison, it's a different world, OJ.
"I know, man. That's why the first thing I want to do is hook up with my old friend Bill Cosby and pick up chicks."
This Just In!
OJ Simpson!
After almost ten years in prison, it's a different world, OJ.
"I know, man. Now that I'm out, the only thing I want to see before I die is a black man elected president."
This Just In!
John McCain!
Has brain cancer!
"Well, that certainly changes my position on legalizing marijuana."
This Just In!
John McCain!
Has brain cancer!
"Well, I guess I won't be able to punch my interns any more."
This Just In!
John McCain!
Has brain cancer!
"This makes me want to be a better person. Maybe I'll only kick my dog every other day."
This Just In!
John McCain!
Has brain cancer!
"Isn't there a way I can pass this on to the American tax payer, the way I always do?"
This Just In!
John McCain!
Has brain cancer!
"Too bad I never legalized gay marriage. I'd have liked to marry my gay lover before I died."
This Just In!
John McCain!
Has brain cancer!
"Against my doctor's advice, I'm trying an old-fashioned cure: human sacrifice."
This Just In!
John McCain!
Has brain cancer!
"I like it. It's aggressive, like me."
This Just In!
John McCain!
Has brain cancer!
"Are you there, God? It's me, Senator McCain. I just want you to know... I blame YOU for this!"
Kim Jong-un has outlawed sarcasm in North Korea.
What else has he banned?
Brains, because "if I can't have any, THEY can't have any."
Kim Jong-un has outlawed sarcasm in North Korea.
What else has he banned?
Seinfeld reruns, because "a show should be about SOMETHING!"
Kim Jong-un has outlawed sarcasm in North Korea.
What else has he banned?
Breathing, because "the more my people breathe, the less air there is for me."
Kim Jong-un has outlawed sarcasm in North Korea.
What else has he banned?
Eating, because "my people eat too much, and eating too much is MY job."
Kim Jong-un has outlawed sarcasm in North Korea.
What else has he banned?
Cows, because "who are THEY to judge me?"
American Chimpanzee

Sunday, July 16, 2017

21 Things An Elderly Man Can Do With His Abnormally Long Penis

10) Be the Double Dutch equipment manager.
9) Earn extra cash working part-time for the police department roping off crime scenes.
8) Sail with Jacque Cousteau to check ocean water depths.
7) Charge hikers who want to rappel down a cliff.
6) Teach a cowboy rope tricks.
5) Help Lassie save little Timmy from the well.
4) Fake garden snake to scare away scavenging birds.
3) Become Wonder Woman's favorite magic lasso.
2) Help Indiana Jones escape a giant rolling boulder.
1) In a pinch, The Flying Wallendas can secure it across two buildings and use it in their high-wire act.
0) On any 9-11 anniversary, it can stand-in for either of the ones.
-1) Arresting wire for a jet landing on an Aircraft Carrier.
-2) What do you think Tarzan uses to swing from tree to tree?
-3) Satisfy a dozen porno actresses. At the same time.
-4) Whip his sad, sorry-excuse of a son-in-law into submission.
-5) Without a way to swing from skyscraper to skyscraper, Spider-Man would just be a bug.
-6) Get into the Guinness Book of World Records by submitting it for consideration as the world's longest guitar string.
-7) Tie it from one tree to the next and use it as a family hammock at picnics.
-8) Throw it over a high tree branch and use it to hang food supply out of reach of wild bears when camping.
-9) Designated last man on Rope Team when a Safety Rope is needed to tether mountain climbers together.
-10) Have more sex than YOU!

American Chimpanzee

Saturday, July 1, 2017

Don't Miss The Roswell UFO Festival!

When it comes to the supernatural, I'm a skeptic.
     Ghosts? Bah!
     Vampires? Feh!
     Demonic possessions?
     Well... that one's true. I've been divorced enough times to know what I'm talking about.
     But there has always been something plausible about space aliens. If the universe is infinite, with an infinite number of planets orbiting an infinite number of suns, why wouldn’t a few contain intelligent life?

     On the other hand, explain Donald Trump.
     In July of 1947, an alien spacecraft is said to have crashed in Roswell, New Mexico. If there's one thing you can be sure of, my mother-in-law was probably driving.
     The incident was purportedly covered up by government agents so inept they're now in charge of the TSA. The entire country was immediately abuzz with the question, "Why does 'purportedly' sound like one of Sarah Palin's fake words?"
     Ever since, the world has wondered:

     “Did space aliens really crash in New Mexico?"
     "Is the government really covering it up?"
     "Does Tide really get your clothes cleaner than the other leading brands?”
     In order to find out, the magazine I work for sent me on a special assignment last year to uncover the truth. I can remember another special assignment they sent me on. I'd tell you about it, but the statute of limitations isn't up yet.
     "When can you leave?" my editor wanted to know.
     I like my editor. She's known in the business for being tough, but fair. Just recently, she doubled my salary. Since I don't get paid, that's not as impressive as it sounds.
     "How about I go on the Fourth of July weekend, during Roswell's UFO Festival?" I suggested. "That way, I can get really drunk."
     She ran it by our esteemed publisher and he enthusiastically okayed my assignment. Unfortunately, when the time came for him to enthusiastically fork over the cash to cover my expenses, he couldn't find his wallet.
     "I'll reimburse you when you get back," he assured me.
     Hmm... I believed that about as much as I believed Hillary Clinton didn't know anything about Benghazi.
    ("Ben who?")
     So I packed what I needed for a three-day stay in a strange town. Toothbrush, deodorant, penicillin. To paraphrase Fox Mulder, the truth may be out there, but so are STDs. I also made sure to take clean underwear.

     "You never know when you might be abducted by aliens," my Auntie Em was fond of saying just before she'd tell me about that fateful night when she was whisked away by otherworldly forces. She woke up the next morning in Tijuana with her panties wrapped around her head.
     That's the story she tells, at least.
     "Just what kind of aliens were you abducted by?" her then-husband, Joe
, wanted to know. After their divorce, Joe went on to have a successful career in law enforcement.
     When I got to Roswell, imagine my shock when I saw a stumbling horde of hungry zombies pushing and shoving their way down Main Street. As it turned out, they were the elderly residents of the Granny Goose Retirement Home & Taxidermy Service. They were hurrying, in that slow-motion shamble of theirs, to make it in time for the early bird special at
The Crashdown Café.

     I drove around, checking out the sights. By the time I got to Dr. Acula's Eternity Inn, it was dark. The owner himself personally checked me in. He was a dapper fellow, with his slick, black hair combed straight back. It's rare to see a man wearing a cape these days, but he managed to pull off the look. Why he needed my blood-type, I don't know, but I didn't argue the point, him being a doctor and all.
     I opened the door to my room, tossed my overnight bag on a chair in the corner, and crawled into bed, ignoring the screams coming from down the hall. Those inconsiderate Fourth of July revelers can be so loud.
     The next thing I remember is waking up on a metal surgical table in a futuristic-looking operating room. Some kind of alien creature stood in front of me. He--for lack of a better word--was very thin, with long skinny arms and legs. He had a huge egg-shaped head with two big eyes. There was something familiar about him.
     "President Obama,” I asked, “is that you?"
     The creature chuckled menacingly, reached up, and with long, delicate fingers pulled off its Barack Obama mask. I couldn't tell the difference. I looked around. There were two more of its kind, whatever its kind was. They reminded me of The Three Stooges, but from outer space.
     "Don't be afraid, you knucklehead," the alien I thought of as Moe growled at me. "We will not harm you."
     His words seemed to come, not from him, but from somewhere deep inside my own head.
     There was a whirring sound above me. A large, intimidating tool was descending from above. I can't describe what it looked like in a family-friendly blog like this one, but it was longer than it was wide, if you get my drift. Sort of like the business end of an enema bag for Transformers.
     "What's that for?" I asked.
     Curly, Larry, and Moe nudged each other childishly and giggled like naughty first-graders.
     "It's an anal probe, but it's better if you don't ask any questions," Moe, who seemed to be the only one willing to communicate, told me.
     I shivered at his words...  and that's when I discovered I could move. I sat up and hopped off the table. They rushed toward me, but it was too late.
     For them, that is.
     "How do you talk without speaking?" I asked.
     "From here," Moe pointed to the center point between his eyes, "we push our thoughts into your mind."
     "Oh, you do, do you?" I said, and--POW!--I punched him right in the kisser. The back of his balloon-like head stretched out in the shape of my fist. The space alien made a funny kind of "woo, woo, woo" sound, and fell to his knees faster than Monica Lewinski in the Oval Office. The other two jumped into each other's arms. Their big bug eyes blinking furiously. They were more nervous than a gerbil in Richard Gere's favorite pet store. I'm guessing this had never happened to them before.
     I looked at them.
     They looked fragile. Weak.
     "This is gonna be easy," I thought to myself.
     Apparently they could also read my mind, because one of them said: "Wait!  How will you get back home?"
     I reached up and grabbed the anal probe.
     Let's just say I "convinced" them to take me back.
     So… what am I saying?
     I'm saying go to Roswell's UFO Festival.
     You never know what might happen.
American Chimpanzee