Friday, July 21, 2017

The Week In Tweets (7/22/17)

Can Republicans repeal and replace ObamaCare?
"We can't do shit," admits Mitch McConnell, talking about the clogged toilet that is Congress.
   
This Just In!
OJ Simpson!
Pardoned!
After almost ten years in prison, it's a different world, OJ.
"I know, man. That's why the first thing I want to do is hook up with my old friend Bill Cosby and pick up chicks."
   
This Just In!
OJ Simpson!
Pardoned!
After almost ten years in prison, it's a different world, OJ.
"I know, man. Now that I'm out, the only thing I want to see before I die is a black man elected president."
 
This Just In!
John McCain!
Has brain cancer!
"Well, that certainly changes my position on legalizing marijuana."
   
This Just In!
John McCain!
Has brain cancer!
"Well, I guess I won't be able to punch my interns any more."
   
This Just In!
John McCain!
Has brain cancer!
"This makes me want to be a better person. Maybe I'll only kick my dog every other day."
   
This Just In!
John McCain!
Has brain cancer!
"Isn't there a way I can pass this on to the American tax payer, the way I always do?"
   
This Just In!
John McCain!
Has brain cancer!
"Too bad I never legalized gay marriage. I'd have liked to marry my gay lover before I died."
   
This Just In!
John McCain!
Has brain cancer!
"Against my doctor's advice, I'm trying an old-fashioned cure: human sacrifice."
   
This Just In!
John McCain!
Has brain cancer!
"I like it. It's aggressive, like me."
   
This Just In!
John McCain!
Has brain cancer!
"Are you there, God? It's me, Senator McCain. I just want you to know... I blame YOU for this!"
   
Kim Jong-un has outlawed sarcasm in North Korea.
What else has he banned?
Brains, because "if I can't have any, THEY can't have any."
   
Kim Jong-un has outlawed sarcasm in North Korea.
What else has he banned?
Seinfeld reruns, because "a show should be about SOMETHING!"
   
Kim Jong-un has outlawed sarcasm in North Korea.
What else has he banned?
Breathing, because "the more my people breathe, the less air there is for me."
   
Kim Jong-un has outlawed sarcasm in North Korea.
What else has he banned?
Eating, because "my people eat too much, and eating too much is MY job."
   
Kim Jong-un has outlawed sarcasm in North Korea.
What else has he banned?
Cows, because "who are THEY to judge me?"
   
   
American Chimpanzee
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