The Week In Tweets: Special Crush-Kill-Destroy-Me Edition!

Fake News Reports!
  
"You're not going to destroy me," Joe Biden tells President Trump at a rally!

"My SON will.

  

While in Las Vegas, Bernie Sanders suffers a MASSIVE heart attack!

After emergency surgery, the presidential wannabe was alive and doing well.

The dead hooker, however, wasn't so lucky.

I'm not sure if I'll be voting in President Trump's next election.
I'm troubled by the ignorance, the narcissism, the incompetence, the racism, the greed, and all the lying.
And THAT'S just from the Democrats.
  
Liberal Democrat Congressman Elijah Cummings DEAD At 88!
What were his final words?
"Either Trump goes or I do!"
  
Joaquin Phoenix IS The Joker!
Paul Dano IN As The Riddler!
Jonah Hill OUT As The Penguin!
Zoe Kravitz NOT Michelle Pfeiffer, but she is CATWOMAN!
There have been EIGHTY YEARS of Batman.
So why does Hollywood keep crapping out the same four villains?
  
Play The New CLUE White House Edition!
It was "Trump" "in a landslide" "with the popular vote"!
Coming to you in 2020!
  
Forget CNN and MSNBC!
I like Huey Lewis because HE'S got the News.
  
Martin Scorsese Says Marvel Movies Aren't Cinema!
Francis Ford Coppola Calls Them Despicable!
What do you think about China Forcing Hollywood to recut your movies to their specifications?
"Uh... we don't criticize China," they kowtowed.
  
Virgin Galactic Reveals Its Under Armour Space Suits For Space Travel!
You know, I googled "virgin" and "space travel," and the only thing that came up was "Star Trek Convention."
  
An Oregon High School Coach Is Caught On Video Disarming An Armed Student, Preventing A Tragedy, And Then Giving That Disturbed Teenager A Hug!
Everyone is hoping the coach will be out of prison soon.
  
NASA Celebrates Its First 3-Female Space Walk!
See, ladies?
It takes THREE women to do a job ONE man can do.

  

  

American Chimpanzee

JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com

RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com

@JimDuchene

  

The Horror of Desert Exposure

D is for Demons

     They live down below

E is for Edgar

     As in Allan or Poe

S is for Spirits

     With malicious intent

E is for Evil

     Man’s eternal torment

R is for Ramses

     He called Moses a chump

T is for Tombstone

     Bet you’d thought I’d say Trump

  

E is for Eerie

     You should say your farewells

X is for the dimension

     Where the unknown there dwells

P is for Potion

     A witch’s foul brew

O is for Odiferous

     One sniff, you’ll say “Ew!”

S is for Shysie

     A silent vampire

U is for Undead

     You don’t quite expire

R is for Rotting

     A dead man fondue

And E is for End

     Which this poem must now do

  

  

American Chimpanzee

JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com

RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com

@JimDuchene

  

The Week In Tweets: Special Absence-Of-Malice Edition!

Fake News Reports!

  

In The Tweet Carol Hunter Highlighted, Carson King Did The Right Thing!

Now, how about Anheuser-Busch and the Des Moines Register do the right thing as well?

  

Anheuser-Busch Was Quick To Drop Carson King!

I suggest we be quick as well...

...at dropping Busch Light and all Anheuser-Busch products.

  

My God... it's full of STARS!

#ThingsFoundInArea51

  

When The Des Moines Register Built Carson King Up Only To Try To Tear Him Down, The Public Became ENRAGED!

"That's OUR job," they complained.

  

Classy:

Carson King: "I take responsibility for my actions."

Corrupt:

Des Moines Register: "Don't blame US!"

Cowardly:

Anheuser-Busch: "We're outta here!"
  
President Trump Goes After "So-Called Whistleblower" And Media At UNGA Press Conference!
Wow!
That is so unlike him.
  
Robert De Niro Uses Multiple F-Bombs On CNN Concerning The Criticism He Receives From Fox News!
See what happens when actors don't have someone writing their lines for them, kids?
  
Joe Biden DEMANDS TV News Networks STOP Booking Rudy Giuliani As A Guest!
If one old man can't handle another old man, how is he going to handle Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong-Un, or Xi Jinping?
  
Democrats Are Comparing President Trump To A Mafia Don!
I guess that makes Joe Biden the Walmart Greeter.
  
Vontaze Burfict!
Suspended!
For the rest of the season!
"That helmet-to-helmet hit wasn't my fault," the linebacker for the Oakland Raiders explained. "That kid on the tricycle was really asking for it."

  

  

American Chimpanzee

JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com

RaisingMy/father.BlogSpot.com

@JimDuchene

  

Six. Word. Horror. Stories.

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine

desertexposure.com

  

As I was writing this month’s column, my father shuffled up behind me and peeked over my shoulder.

     “What are you writing?” he wanted to know.

     “Just a story, pop,” I told him.

     Every month I sit down to write this column, and every month he asks me what I’m writing. I don’t know if he’s forgetful or just doesn’t pay attention to my answer. Probably a combination of both.

     When my readers ask if he gets angry concerning these stories, I tell them no. For him to get angry, he’d first have to READ these biographical musings. If there’s a choice between reading RaisingDad or watching the very expensive premium baseball channel my wife and I pay for, well, let’s just say I wouldn’t make it to the literary World Series.

     “Woo-wee!” he said, looking at my computer screen. “That sure is a lot of words.”

     “You think so?”

     “Oh, yeah. A lot of words.” 

     He stood behind me pretending to read.

     “You know,” he said, “Hemmingway could write a story with just six words. That’s all he needed.”

     I knew what my father was referring to. He was referring to a ten-dollar bet Ernest Hemmingway made with some other writers during lunch. The writers thought Hemmingway wouldn’t be able to write a story in just six words. Hemmingway thought otherwise. Everybody anted up and the money was put in the middle of the table. After a bit, Hemmingway wrote six words on a napkin. After reading the six words, no one objected when he pocketed the cash.

     The six words were: “For sale. Baby shoes. Never worn.”

     I’ve never read a sadder story, and, if I think about it for too long, my eyes will begin to tear up. There’s a sorrowful place in my heart his story takes me to. A place I don’t care to visit.

     “I’m no Hemmingway, pop,” I told my father.

     He enthusiastically rubbed his nose in agreement.

     Like I said, I’m no Hemmingway, but I thought it would be fun to try.

     “For sale,” I typed. “Baby shoes.” And then finished with: “Don’t ask.”

     Hmm… that was morbidly ambiguous.

     But still, the ambiguity of the ending was appealing. 

     So I tried a second time… and immediately learned something about myself. I learned that I must have abandonment issues simmering somewhere deep inside of me, because the next six words I wrote were: “But mommy SAID she’d be back!”

     You know the saying, “You don’t want to go there”?

     Well, I didn’t want to go there.

     Remembering that Stephen King’s “It” sequel is coming out, I wrote: “Hi, I’m Pennywise. What’s for dinner?” Thinking it over, I gave it a holiday touch. “Yes, Virginia, there IS a Pennywise.”

     After that, I began to have fun with it.

     “Grinning, the clown locked the door.”

     “Halloween… it’s so hard to choose.”

     “Grandpa was tough… and tasted awful.”

     Ugh, that one probably crossed a line or two. Cannibalism is nobody’s idea of a good time. So I wrote two more.

     “This meat tastes funny. Where’s grandma?”

     “I have my father’s eyes. Yummy.”

     Okay, enough of that.

     I decided to go down a more traditional vein of horror.

     “I heard you died.”

     “I did.”

     Or maybe something that would fit very well in The Twilight Zone.

     “I’m dead? Sweet Jesus!”

     “Guess again.”

     When I was younger, my love life occasionally took a turn into nightmare alley, so I speculated what it would be like to be dating in this day and age. I wrote: “Never said I was a woman.”

     Yeah… hmm. 

     “Did I mention? I have AIDS.”

     That’s even worse.

     Keep this to yourself, but my first marriage was a bit of a horror story. With trembling fingers, I tentatively typed: “Sex. Sex. Sex. Married. No sex.”

     And getting old is no fun. It comes with its own particular brand of horrors.

     “Is that a lump I feel?”

     When my beloved mother was alive, my elderly father used to have nightmares about someone breaking into his home. His main fear was that he wouldn’t be able to protect her. That inspired me to write: “Who left the back door open?”

     Gross is nice.

     “Why do these dates have legs?”

     The horror, as it turns out, is not in the words, but in where the words take you. There’s nothing scarier than your own imagination.

     Nothing, that is, except the horrors of the real world. That’s what scares ME the most. Having children and grandchildren who are dearer to me than myself, I live in fear every day of my life. A six-word horror story I hope they never hear is:

     “Look out! He’s got a gun!” 

  

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?

No, they eat their fingers separately.

And then they have a good laugh over at RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com, JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com, & @JimDuchene