The Week In Tweets: Special City Of Millions Edition!

Fake News Reports!

  

In A City Of Millions, Thousands Have Signed A Petition To Rename The Street Outside Of Trump Tower After President Obama Because...

"...there are no other problems in the world."
  
The NYPD Fires Daniel Pantaleo For The 2014 Accidental Death Of Eric Garner, Whose Dying Words Of "Can I Have Fries With That?" Created A National Debate Over The Wisdom Of Obese Felons With Health Issues Resisting Arrest!
  
The New York Police Department FIRES Daniel Pantaleo For The Accidental Death Of Eric Garner!
"I'll be okay," the former police officer assured his supporters. "In fact, I've already got a job offer from Michael Corleone to be his personal bodyguard."
  
Former Texas Running Back And Bears 4th Overall Pick, Cedric Benson, Has Died!
"We're looking at YOU, Daniel Pantaleo!" NYPD Commissioner James O'Neil was quick to announce.
  
Palestinians To Honor Their Grandmothers After Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib Declines Israel's Invitation To Visit Her "Sity"!
"Yes. Today, we will kiss the rocks we use before stoning our beloved grandmothers to death."
  
The Former Governor Of Louisiana During Hurricane Katrina, Kathleen Blanco, Has Died!
Damn... Hurricane Katrina claims ANOTHER victim.
Will it never end?
  
The New York Times' "1619 Project" Examines Slavery And Race Relations In The United States Because "as bad as things are today, we'd like to make them even worse."
  
Democrat Joe Kennedy III May Be Mounting A Primary Challenge To Senator Ed Markey!
Is there no end to The Kennedy Curse?
  
The Post-Gazette Reports That Shell Union Workers Were Told To Attend A Trump Rally Or They'd Lose Pay!
Of course, they were told that by the Post-Gazette "just to make it true."
  
People Are Sharing Pictures Of Their Pet Dogs With A Pennsylvanian Woman Who's Just Lost Her Best Friend Of 15 Years!
"They say their intentions are good, but those pictures are making me incredibly sad."

  

  

American Chimpanzee

JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com

RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com

@JimDuchene

  

The Week In Tweets: Special Deja Vu Edition!

Fake News Reports!

  

The Baltimore Home Of Maryland Congressman Elijah Cummings BURGLARIZED!

Maybe NOW he'll admit his district is a dump.

  

Meghan Markle Guest Edits British Vogue's September Issue!

"Editing a magazine is easier than I thought," the Duchess of Sussex marveled. "Apparently, the only thing you have to do as an editor is show up."

  

Anonymous Bidder Buys Tupac Shakur's Prison I.D. For Thirty THOUSAND Dollars!

"Now, every day, I can look at it and say: 'What the heck was I thinking?'"

  

A Traveler From Thailand Was Stranded In A Russian Airport When He Was Told There Wouldn't Be A Connecting Flight To China For FIVE Days!

How is THIS possible?

Because Russia and China aren't the United States.

  

President Trump: "In one voice our nation must condemn racism, bigotry, and white supremacy."

Beto O'Rourke: "Trump is "inciting racism and violence!"

Say, Beto... weren't you arrested for Armed Robbery?

"What does THAT have to do with anything?"

  

Ohio Lawmaker Candice Keller Blames Gay Marriage And Drag Queen Advocates For Dayton Mass Shooting!

Some people just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

President Obama DEMANDS Gun Reform In Light Of Recent Mass Shootings!

Hey, Barry, you passed a health care bill nobody wanted. Why didn't YOU do something about gun control when YOU had a chance?

"I'm no Donald Trump," he admitted sheepishly.

  

Fans Worldwide Celebrate Whitney Houston's 56th Birthday!

Sadly, these people were never told she died in 2012.

  

I have a question for you:

If Trump stands in a forest and there's no one there to hear him...

Is he still bragging?

  

Fake News Explains!

What's A Domestic Terrorist?

Wear A MAGA hat in public and you'll find out soon enough.

  

  

American Chimpanzee

JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com

RaisingMyFather.BlogSppot.com

@JimDuchene

  

The Week In Tweets: Special Alien Nation Edition!

Fake News Reports!
  
Answering A Reporter's Question, President Trump Offered This Positive Back-To-School Message To Students Worried About Mass Shooters: "Go and really study hard... (you) have nothing to fear... nothing to worry about."

"THEY'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!" came the opposing viewpoint.

  

Joe Biden Says: "Poor kids are just as bright and just as talented as white kids."

Why does The Left just naturally assume the poor are all people of color?

  

Happy Left Handers Day!

A day where left-handed people celebrate themselves because no one else really cares.

  

Richard Gere Brings Humanitarian Supplies To A Ship Filled With Migrants Stranded In The Mediterranean Sea!

And then he hoisted the ship onto his massive shoulders and carried it to shore.

  

Alanis Morisette Welcomes Her Third Child!

A boy named Winter Mercy, which, ironically enough, is the title of George RR Martin's Final Game of Thrones novel.

  

It's Been THREE Years Since Colin Kaepernick First Protested Systematic Oppression!

"I was just being an asshole," he admits.
  
A Kenyan Regional Assembly Was Forced To Shut Down After An Unidentified Lawmaker Cut A Fart So Smelly The Room Had To Be Cleared!
This is what women don't understand:
Guys will ALWAYS be guys.
   
A Disappointed John Hickenlooper Announces An End To His Presidential Run!
"My name's 'Hickenlooper,'" he lamented, sadly. "What chance did I have?'
  
Imprisoned Polygamist Leader Warren Jeffs' Mental Health Is Being Questioned By Authorities!
The guy has EIGHTY wives.
OF COURSE he's nuts.
  
The NFL Has Formally Announced Its Partnership With Jay-Z, Putting Him In Charge Of Entertainment & Social Justice Because...
"...we're not done alienating our audience."

  

  

American Chimpanzee

JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com

RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com

@JimDuchene

  

The Adventures Of My Ex-Wife At Her Gynecologist's Office

My Ex-Wife's Gynecologist: “Would you please spread your legs?”
My Ex-Wife: “I already have.”
  
  

American Chimpanzee

JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com

RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com

@JimDuchene

  

The Week In Tweets: Special Soon Enough Edition!

FAKE NEWS REPORTS!

  

The Baltimore Home Of Maryland Congressman Elijah Cummings BURGLARIZED!

Maybe NOW he'll admit his district is a dump.

  

Meghan Markle Guest Edits British Vogue's September Issue!

"Editing a magazine is easier than I thought," the Duchess of Sussex marveled. "Apparently, the only thing you have to do as an editor is show up."

  

Anonymous Bidder Buys Tupac Shakur's Prison I.D. For Thirty THOUSAND Dollars!

"Now, every day, I can look at it and say: 'What the heck was I thinking?'"

  

A Traveler From Thailand Was Stranded In A Russian Airport When He Was Told There Wouldn't Be A Connecting Flight To China For FIVE Days!

How is THIS possible?

Because Russia and China aren't the United States.

  

President Trump: "In one voice our nation must condemn racism, bigotry, and white supremacy."

Beto O'Rourke: "Trump is "inciting racism and violence!"

Say, Beto... weren't you arrested for Armed Robbery?

"What does THAT have to do with anything?"

  

Ohio Lawmaker Candice Keller Blames Gay Marriage And Drag Queen Advocates For Dayton Mass Shooting!

Some people just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

  

President Obama DEMANDS Gun Reform In Light Of Recent Mass Shootings!

Hey, Barry, you passed a health care bill nobody wanted. Why didn't YOU do something about gun control when YOU had a chance?

"I'm no Donald Trump," he admitted sheepishly.

  

Fans Worldwide Celebrate Whitney Houston's 56th Birthday!

Sadly, these people were never told she died in 2012.

  

I have a question for you:

If Trump stands in a forest and there's no one there to hear him...

Is he still bragging?

  

Fake News Explains!

What's A Domestic Terrorist?

Wear A MAGA hat in public and you'll find out soon enough.

  

  

American Chimpanzee

JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com

RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com

@JimDuchene

  

The Further Adventures Of Kate & José: A Hawaiian Brouhaha

José was still in Hawaii and wanted to walk along the beach, but he was shy about putting on a pair of swim trunks.
     “I’m kind of small down there,” he complained to the concierge.
     “I understand completely,” the concierge told him, holding his hand out for a tip. “What you do is stuff a potato in your trunks. The women will run to you screaming in excitement.”
     And that’s exactly what José did. He put on his swim trunks, stuffed an extra-large Idaho potato down there, and walked out to the pool to test it out.
     No one noticed him at first, so José decided to dive into the clear, blue water. He swam over to the edge and pulled himself out... and that's when the shit hit the fan.
     The women ran, all right, but they ran away from José , screaming in horror. Some even throwing up by the side of the pool.
     Those were the models.
     Hotel employees ran to the area, trying to determine what the brouhaha was about. The concierge immediately recognized the non-tipper José.
     “What happened, haole?” the concierge asked him.
     “I did exactly what you said,” José told him. “I put a potato in my trunks to impress the ladies, just like you recommended, but they ran away in panic instead.”
     The concierge took a look.
     “You stupid moke,” the concierge laughed. “You were supposed to put the potato in the FRONT!”
  
  

American Chimpanzee

JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com

RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com

@JimDuchene

  

The Week In Tweets: Special Ebola Edition!

Fake News Reports!
  
The World Health Organization Declares The Congo's Ebola Outbreak An International Health Emergency!

"We must immediately bring them to the United States," squawk Democrats.

  

Republican Businesswoman Scherie Murray, Who Immigrated From Jamaica, Will Challenge Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez For Her Congressional Seat!

"She's a RACIST," Democrats decry.

But she's black.

"That's the worst kind."

  

Republican Rand Paul BLOCKS House Vote To Continue Funding The 9-11 Victims Compensation Fund!

Why?

"Because I never learned to choose my battles."
  
This Just In!
Which Questions Are Robert Mueller Refusing To Answer In His Congressional Testimony?
Only the ones that would incriminate him.
  
I.C.E. Detains A United States Citizen For Over THREE Weeks!
"I was trying to enter the U.S. from Mexico, had no identification, and can't speak English. I don't know why they didn't think I was a citizen."
  
SIX People Have Died In The United States Because Of This Summer's Heat Wave!
You know, in a country of about 329, 211, 912 people... that's actually pretty darn good.
  
A French Submarine Missing For 51 Years Has Been Found In The Mediterranean!
"We surrender!" yelled the appreciative French survivors.
  
Facebook Will Pay $5 BILLION In Privacy Abuse Settlement!
Who gets that $5 billion?
Because WE'RE sure not going to see any of it.
  
MMA Fighter & UFC Champion Conor McGregor Feels He Could Win A Rematch With Floyd Mayweather!
But "Money" Mayweather confirms his next Pay Per View bout will be with a kangaroo.
"Don't kid yourself," he insists. "Australians are tough opponents."
  
Iranian Women Can Face Up To TEN YEARS In Prison For Posting Pictures Of Themselves On Social Media Without Headscarves!
"Surely, there must be some way to use this story to accuse President Trump of being a racist," bemoan Democrats.

  

  

American Chimpanzee

JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com

RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com

@JimDuchene

  

Fake News Presents!

Once Upon A Time In El Paso

  

OMG!

     President Trump Is Coming To El Paso!

     In a panic, Beto O'Rourke calls the leader of the Democratic Party.

     “What do I do?” he cries.

     “Call him a racist,” Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez commands, “and tell him he’s not welcomed!”

     Beto: “You’re not welcomed here, you racist.”

     Crisis averted.

  

  

American Chimpanzee

JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com

RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com

@JimDuchene