The Week In Tweets: Special Penguin Poop Edition!

Fake News Reports!

  

They say opposites attract, but in MY experience, it's been more of a collision.

  

Due To The Coronavirus Closure, The Shedd Aquarium In Chicago, Illinois Let Its Penguins Roam Free!

"Great," the aquarium janitor groused. "Now guess who's gotta clean up all that penguin poop."
  
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau Calls Innocent Migrants Trying To Enter His Country "IRREGULAR"!
In a continuing effort to be the most woke human on this planet EVER, he continues to be the most insulting.
  
It was the least I could do, and I always do the least I can do.
  
China Reports:
NO NEW CORONAVIRUS CASES!
"It's amazing how quickly the numbers improve," bragged Chinese President Xi Jinping, "when you quit testing people."
  
Harvey Weinstein Tests POSITIVE For The Coronavirus While In Prison!
"Get in line," says syphilis and gonorrhea.
  
A pickup line in the age of Coronavirus:
"I have toilet paper."
  
How are the former royals Harry & Meghan Markle doing in they age of Coronavirus after renouncing his Prince-hood?
"What do you MEAN we lost our health insurance?!!!"
  
Businesses closing. People losing their jobs. Non-violent criminals no longer being arrested. But the cops are STILL out in force...
...handing out speeding tickets.
  
Comedian Kathy Griffin, Despite Having The Symptoms, Was REFUSED A Test For The Coronavirus!
"I'd like a second opinion," she told her physician.
"Okay," the doctor said, "you're also ugly."
  
Jim Duchene
Fake News Chief Correspondent

  

  

American Chimpanzee

JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com

RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com

@JimDuchene

  

The Week In Tweets: Special Nucking Futs Edition!

Fake News Reports!

  

  Founder Bill Gates Is Stepping Down From Microsoft's Board Of Directors!

"It's this Coronavirus thing," he explains. "It's got me nucking futs."

  

Jack Ma, A Billionaire In Communist China, Is Donating A MILLION Masks To The United States!

"We have to get rid of our used ones some way," he said, explaining his generosity.
  
Visits always give pleasure.
If not the arrival, then the departure.
  
When my buddy told his wife the restaurants were closing, she be like, "You mean I gotta COOK?"
  
Six Word Horror Story:
The leprechaun had such sharp teeth.
  
Six Word Horror Story:
Celebrated St. Patrick's Day at home.
  
Chuck Norris Facts
Special Coronavirus Edition:
Chuck Norris does not need to self-quarantine.
There is no one in the world brave enough to get near him.
  
Chuck Norris Facts
Special Coronavirus Edition:
Chuck Norris does not need to social distance himself.
There is no one foolish enough to get within six feet of him.
  
Tom Brady And The Tampa Bay Buccaneers Have Made It OFFICIAL!
"Screw you, Coronavirus losers," he gushed happily. "I got MY 40 million."
  
A peacock in love with its own feathers is a turkey.
  
Jim Duchene

Fake News Chief Correspondent

  

  

American Chimpanzee

JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com

RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com

@JimDuchene

  

The Week In Tweets: Special Nazi Flag-Free Edition!

Fake News Reports!

  

The United States Hits The Taliban With The First Airstrike Since The Peace Deal!
"You've got this backwards," a Taliban spokesman complained bitterly. "WE are the ones who break peace treaties."
  
United States Death Toll Rises To FOURTEEN With California's FIRST Coronavirus Fatality!
The unlucky victim?
Elizabeth Warren's presidential campaign.
  
A Federal Judge Slams Attorney General William Barr's Handling Of Special Prosecutor Mueller's Report As "Misleading"!
"NEVER TRUMP!" he cried, as he ordered an independent non-biased review.
  
A Nazi Flag At A Bernie Sanders Rally Sparks Outrage And Concerns About Public Safety!
"Okay, so I won't bring my flag anymore," a disappointed Bernie says, giving in.
  
Ronan Farrow Cuts Ties With The Hachette Book Group For Its Upcoming Publication Of Woody Allen's Memoirs!
"Who's Ronan Farrow?" wonders Hachette Books.
  
Doctors Warn That The Coronavirus Is Constantly Mutating!
I hope mine mutates into a puppy.
  
"I Believe In Joe..." Kamala Harris Explains As She Throws Her Endorsement Behind The Former Vice-President!
"...but then, I ALSO believed I could win."
  
Chocolate!
Nature's way of telling you you're not fat enough.
  
It Is NOT True That Harvey Weinstein, While He Was In The Prison Infirmary, Was Exposed To The Deadly Coronavirus!
No, it was Harvey Weinstein who exposed HIMSELF to the Coronavirus.
  
My wife asked me to get her the chapstick from her purse, but I grabbed the glue stick by mistake.
She STILL isn't talking to me.
  
Jim Duchene
Fake News Chief Correspondent

  

  

American Chimpanzee

JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com

RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com

@JimDuchene

  

The Week In Tweets: Special Hulk VS Coronavirus Edition!

A Fake News Special Report!

  

Where Did The Coronavirus Come From?

Scientists speculate that the dreaded Coronavirus Traveled BACK in time from the future and created ITSELF!

  

Where Did The Coronavirus Come From?

Scientists have reason to believe that the dreaded Coronavirus was sent from the future to terminate a waitress named Sarah Connor.

  

Who Killed Jimmy Hoffa?

"Maybe it was the Coronavirus," one analyst theorizes to a gaggle of scientists, all rubbing their chins and nodding in agreement.

  

DATELINE: Dallas 1963!

Scientists have found photographic evidence that the time-traveling Coronavirus was a second shooter located on the grassy knoll in President Kennedy's assassination.

  

DATELINE: 1937!

Scientists have not yet confirmed that the time-traveling Coronavirus was responsible for the disappearance of female pilot Amelia Earhart over the Pacific Ocean.

  

DATELINE: 2019!

Coronavirus admits to being the Whistleblower in President Trump's Ukrainian Phone Call Impeachment Trial.

  

DATELINE: 2020!

Coronavirus buys up all the face masks, hand sanitizer, and toilet paper, creating a WORLDWIDE SHORTAGE.

Gee... thanks Coronavirus.

  

This Just In!

Coronavirus ATTACKS The Aggressively Progressive California Governor, Gavin Newsom, And Forces Him To PRAISE President Trump!

  

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into The Hulk.

When The Hulk gets mad, HE turns into the coronavirus.

  

Can The Coronavirus Travel Into The Future?

Let's take a look.

"PRESIDENT CORONAVIRUS!"

  

Jim Duchene

Fake News Chief Correspondent

  

  American Chimpanzee

JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com

RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com

@JimDuchene

  

The Week In Tweets: Special How-The-World-Ends Edition!

Fake News Reports!

  

Presidential Wannabe Mayor Pete Buttigieg Drops Out Of Democratic Race, Admitting...

"I never really had a chance, did I?"

  

Global Deaths Due To The Coronavirus Surpasses Three THOUSAND People!

In a world of 8 billion, I can see why Wall Street is panicking.

  

Coronavirus Embarrassed After Finding Out How Many More People The Flu Has Killed Worldwide!

  

Democratic Presidential Wannabes Condemn President Trump For Not Being Prepared For When The Sun Explodes In 7.5 Billion Years!

  

The Number Of Migrants And Refugees Heading Toward Europe Could Climb Into The MILLIONS!

"Is it too late to build a bridge to America?" Europe wants to know.

  

How Badly Did Presidential Wannabe Mike Bloomberg Do On Super Tuesday?

I was 45 delegates away from beating him and I wasn't even running.

  

In The Aftermath Of A Disappointing Super Tuesday, Bernie Sanders Delivers A Campaign Update From His Burlington, Vermont Headquarters!

"Yeah, I'm still a nut," he admits.

  

Failed Presidential Wannabe The Billionaire Mike Bloomberg Believes His Money & Media Savvy Could STILL Influence The 2020 Election Because...

"...it sure worked for me."

  

Why Is Billionaire Bill Gates Afraid Of The Coronavirus?

"I'm afraid of everything," he admits, trembling in his loafers.

  

Six Word Horror Story:

Special How-The-World-Ends Edition!

"Coronavirus, Schmaronavirus... not missing my flight!"

  

  

American Chimpanzee

JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com

RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com

@JimDuchene

  

Revenge Of The Missing Keys

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine

desertexposure.com

  

This morning my wife greets me with a cup of coffee and a question.

     "Guess what dad found?"

     Let's see, what's the only thing my father's been looking for these days? What's the only thing my father's been blaming everybody but himself for misplacing? What's the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

     "The keys the baby stole?" I venture, taking a sip of my coffee.

     Ouch, it's hot... but it keeps me from laughing out loud. I know the baby didn't take them. My wife knows the baby didn't take them. The only person who doesn't seem to know is my father. According to him, his 2-year-old great-grandson snatched his keys out of his hand, stole his car, and maxed out his credit cards playing blackjack in Vegas.

     Of course, I'm joking.  

     It was poker.

     "Where did he find them?" I ask.

     We take our coffee cups and go out to the patio, enjoying the morning. I take my usual spot. My wife takes hers.

     "When he got dressed yesterday to go on his walk," she says, "he decided to wear his black pants..."

     Black pants? It was 84 degrees outside! Way too hot to be walking around in black pants.

     "...and there they were. In his pocket all this time."

     We shake our heads, and laugh to ourselves. And then we talk about other things. We talk about the upcoming election. We talk about the next impeachment du jour. We talk about the last time we were in the house alone together for any length of time. You know, my wife sure does look pretty with the sunlight hitting her just so...

     And THAT’s when my father decides to show up. He has that kind of timing.

     "What are you guys talking about?” he asks as he sits down with us.

     Getting old is funny. Most times, my father can't hear what we're saying when we're talking to him from only a few feet away, but somehow he hears everything we don't want him to hear.

     He can be in the den with the television on. We can be in the kitchen with the radio on. We can have our backs to him. He can be facing away from us. But if I whisper to my wife, "Do you want to go see that new Marvel movie?" my father will interject, "The one with those superheroes?".

     On the other hand, I could be sitting right next to him and ask, "Do you know where the remote to the TV is?"

     "The what?" he’ll say.

     "The remote to the TV."

     "The what to the TV?"

     "The remote."

     "To the TV?"

     "Yeah."

     "Why would I know where the remote is?"

     It drives me nuts.

     On those rare conversations where he doesn't quite catch what we're saying, he'll just ask us afterward what we were talking about. First he'll ask my wife, then he'll ask me, and then he'll compare our stories to see if we're lying to him. It's gotten to the point where I'll wait until we're upstairs alone in our bedroom before I tell my wife anything. 

     Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

     Sure, I could wait until he goes to bed, but that would be a long wait.

     A VERY long wait.

     "Ready for breakfast?" my wife asks, getting up.

     "Sure, sweetie," I tell her. "Need help?"

     "I'm fine," she says. "Finish your coffee."

     "Not too much for me," my father tells her. "You always serve me too much."

     "Okay, dad," my wife tells him, and goes off in the direction of the kitchen. "I won't."

     We sit there for awhile. Me, taking a sip or two of my coffee. My father, wiping the sweat from his forehead. I told you it was hot.

     "I heard you found your keys," I tell him.

     He shakes his head and laughs.

     "Yeah, heehee. I found them."

     I wait.

     He doesn't elaborate.

     "Where did you find them?"

     "What?"

     "Where did you find them?"

     "Find what?"

     "Your keys."

     "Where did I find my keys?"

     "Yeah."

     "Oh, yeah--heehee--they were in my pants."

     "In your pants?"

     "Yeah, in my pants. The maid must have put them there."

     "So, the baby didn't take them from you?"

     "Who?"

     "The baby."

     "Why would the baby take my keys?"

     "But, didn't you say..."

     "Say what?"

     "...that the baby took your keys?"

     "Why would I say that?"

     My father laughs, shakes his head, and looks at me as if I was the mailman’s son.

     "How could a baby take my keys from me?" he asks me. "I'm a grown man and he's, well, he’s just a baby."

     Wasn’t that my point all along? 

     My wife pokes her head through the patio door.

After she opens it, I mean.

     "Breakfast is ready," she says, smiling, knowing what we were probably talking about. I must get a particular kind of look on my face when my father has me flustered.

     "Get this," my father tells her, nodding toward me.  "He thinks the baby took my keys." My father turns back to me, and snorts. "How could a baby take my keys?"

     We get up, and walk into the kitchen.

     My father stops suddenly.

     "Wait a sec," he says, giving me the stink eye, "how did you know I found my keys?"

  

Hey! Where ya been? Haven’t heard from you in a while. Me? I’m still at theduchenebrothers@gmail.com.

  

American Chimpanzee

JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com

RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com

@JimDuchene

  

The Week In Tweets: Special Diet & Exercise Edition!

Fake News Reports!

  

Ole Miss Basketball Fans Went Nuts Over 86-Year-Old Mary Ann Wakefield Making A 94-Foot Putt And Winning A Brand-New Car!

"Everybody is extremely happy for her," a spokesman said, "except for all the drivers who will be having to share the road with her."
  
The only thing worse than not being taken seriously is being taken seriously.
  
The Los Angeles Times Asks: "What Is It About Bernie Sanders That Young Voters Love?"
The young voters answer: "FREE STUFF!"
  
Obama Is Calling On TV Stations To STOP Airing An Ad That Uses Audio Of The Former President That Sounds Like He's Denouncing Joe Biden For Selling Out Black People!
"How DARE they use something that really happened to point out something that really exists," he said, as he deftly ignores his former vice-president's calls.
  
ABC Suspends The Peabody & Emmy Winning Reporter David Wright For Publicly Revealing His Personal Political Views!
"Let this be a lesson to ALL journalists whose beliefs don't march in time with OURS," an ABC spokesman said, raising the tip of his reversed pinkie to the diabolical corner of his chuckling lips.
  
They say diet & exercise is GOOD for you.
Who is "they," and why don't they mind their own business?
  
ALWAYS GIVE 110%!
...except when donating blood.
  
You know what I like about the new Starbucks at the Mormon Temple in Salt Lake City, Utah?
The short lines.
  
Torontonians Lined Up To Wait Outside Of The LCBO Last Saturday Morning For The Canadian Launch Of White Claw!
"Yeah, we're just a bunch of cold drunks up here," the huddling masses yearning to be soused agreed.
  
It's not my best effort, it's not my worst.
It's my Just Enough To Get By effort.

  

Jim Duchene

Fake News Chief Correspondent

  

  

American Chimpanzee

JiumDuchene.BlogSpot.com

RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com

@JimDuchene