Friday, February 14, 2014

The Week In Tweets: Special Valentine's Day Edition

Shirley Temple, 1929-2014

Shirley Temple, l929-2Ol4:
'I'm not a KID! I'm a GIRL! And TODAY'S my BIRTHDAY!"
A Valentine's Day Truth:
Women LOVE romantic poetry for Valentine's Day... as long as they also get something expensive along with it.
A Valentine's Day Message:
There's somebody for everybody in this world. Well... maybe not for you.
Some Valentine's Day Trivia:
XXX adult film actor Ron Jeremy's tallywacker is so big that it graduated from high school... A YEAR BEFORE HE DID!
A Valentine's Day Realization:
Boy oh boy, I don't know what's scarier, Halloween or Valentine's Day.
A Valentine's Day Miracle:
A lady in her 6O's recently gave birth! She's going to use cloth diapers... because plastic makes her chafe.
Kinky Sex Valentine's Day Sex:
 My buddy's having sex with his wife and her twin. How will he tell them apart? Her brother has a mustache.
A Valentine Love Poem:
I walked into her life, her heart, her bed, her friend's bed, her lawyer's office, and her rear-view mirror.
A Valentine's Day Gripe:
4O-year-old Heidi Klum dating a 27-year-old! Where were all these supermodel child molesters when I was growing up?
A Valentine's Day Tribute:
Lea Michele pays tribute in her new song to her dead boyfriend Cory Monteith because ''it'll sell more copies."
Some Valentine's Day Trivia:
The day BEFORE Valentine's Day is Mistress Day. Go ahead, spead the love... and various other social diseases.
A Valentine's Day Suggestion:
Quit'cher bitchin' and git in the kitchen!
A Valentine's Day Pick-Up Line:
Are you sitting on a pie? 'Cause your ass is sweet.
Sid Caesar, l922-2Ol4: 
'This is the highest they've ever fied. If they fi any higher than that, they're gonna foo!"
I'm not saying my ex is dumb, but she once asked me which came first, World War I or World War II.
I avoid unwanted pregnancies by dating illegal aliens. If they turn up pregnant, I just call immigration and have them deported.
You are wrathful, covetous, slothful, envious, and you lust after anything that breathes! Verily, have you no pride?
All In Pun!
 Hemingway first dabbled in short stories, but then began writing in Ernest.
I didn't learn anything in my four years of college. My problem was I double-majored in psychology and reverse psychology.
I do say ''I love you,'' but only to keep from saying ''I'm wrong."
Tom Brokaw has cancer and requests we respect his privacy. This from a man who spent his life sticking his nose into other people's business.
Believe It Or Nuts!
 In l976, Queen Elizabeth was the first Head of State to send an e-mail. It read, ''Dear son, you'll NEVER be King."
All In Pun!
 Casper the Friendly Ghost and his wife like to shop in... BOOtiques.
Nevada says it will look the other way when it comes to gay marriage. Unless it's 2 lesbians. In that case, they'll get their video cameras.
Some are born to Grape-Nuts, some achieve Grape-Nuts, and some have Grape-Nuts thrust upon them.
It takes courage and ingenuity to survive. Kind of like me when I run into my ex.
How stupid were Jack and Jill? I mean, who digs a well at the TOP of a hill"?
You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will more than likely piss me off.
Believe It Or Nuts!
Snake massages are given by giant pythons at spas in Indonesia. You'll be amazed how great you feel... IF you survive.
My son thinks he can be an Olympic snowboarder. Hmm... I'd say I have a better chance of him being an Olympic room and boarder.
You gotta do it because you love it, because, if you don't love it, you ain't gonna do it.
Astronomers believe the coldest place in the universe is the Booerang Nebula. Wrong. The coldest place in the universe is my ex's heart.
What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin? If I'm buying it from you, it's a fiddle. If you're buying it from me, it's a violin.
Can you believe it? Facebook is TEN YEARS OLD! My, how wasted time flies.
I'm a guy. For Valentine's Day, there are gifts, candies, and flowers... but only for the girls. I'm losing interest in the holiday already.
Believe It Or Nuts!
A 2Ol2 study found that honeybees can distinguish between the paintings of Monet and Picasso. Your tax dollars at work.
My wife has started looking forward to Spring. Me? I started looking forward to Spring back around Thanksgiving.
I went to a Psychic Fair... they didn't know I was coming.
I'm in a bad mood, and there's only one thing you can do when you're in a bad mood:
Wow! I just sneezed, burped, and tooted. I SNURPOOTED.
Light-years? Man, EVERYTHING'S low-calorie these days.
I've always heard that when it rains, it's because God is crying. Why does God cry? I'm guessing it's probably because of something you did.
There's no need to weigh a pound cake.
American Chimpanzee

Thursday, February 13, 2014

The El PasOlympics (Part Two)

The last I heard, the temperature at the Sochi Winter Olympics has been around 45 degrees. I guess they make snow tougher in Communist countries.
     Bearing that in mind, maybe our great city of El Paso, Texas has a shot at hosting the Winter Olympics after all.
     If, by some miracle, we do get a shot at it, our lack of the cold, white stuff might limit some of the competitions we can have, so, in the spirit of the can-do Olympics, I offer these replacement suggestions.
  1. The Trying-To-Play-In-The-Park-With-Your-Kids-While-Not-Stepping-In-Dog-Poop Competition.
2. The How-Many-Times-Will-You-Be-Hit-On-To-Buy-Something-Or-Give-A-Donation-To-On-Your-Trip-To-Walmart Competition.
3. The How-Many-Empty-Beer-Cans-And-Cigarette-Butts-Have-To-Collect-In-Your-Backyard-Before-You-Decide-To-Clean-It-Up Competition.
4. The How-Much-Visine-Do-You-Have-To-Use-Before-You-Think-People-Won't-Know-You've-Been-Smoking-Pot Competition.
5. The How-Low-Under-Your-Butt-Can-Your-Pants-Hang-Before-They'll-Actually-Fall-To-The-Ground Competition.
6. The Shaving-Off-Your-Eyebrows-Only-To-Draw-Them-Back-In Competition.
7. The The-More-You-Drink-The-More-Irresistible-You-Think-You-Are Competition.
8. The Thinking-You-Have-A-Nice-Rack-When-What-You-Really-Are-Is-Fat Competition.
9. (women only) The Stuffing-Ten-Pounds-Of-Sausage-Into-A-Five-Pound-Sausage-Casing Competition.
10. (men only) The Flexing-Your-Guns-In-The-Mirror-While-Being-Blind-To-The-Fat-Gut-Underneath Competition.
American Chimpanzee

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Dear John: Special Not-About-The-Olympics Edition

Hard-Core Advice From
Hard-Core's Hardest Core...
John Leslie!
Dear John,
     I'm never happy with one partner. It's not that I want to have a different man every night of the week--although I do--I just like a variety.
     I'm currently in a relationship where seeing other men is okay with my boyfriend, but now he's asking me why I feel the way I do and wants us to be monogamous. Yuck! I just crave something different, and want whatever the next man has.
     Trust me, I've had my share of men, but I've never found that one person who has it all. Am I doomed to stay single and noncommittal forever?
Dear Fickle,
YOU'RE not the problem, the world's the problem. In polite society, you're what one would call a skank. Constantly judged and made to feel like a freak. Whereas, in the adult film industry you would just be "one of the girls."
Quit trying to let the civilized world put it's square peg into your round hole.
Dear John,
     I am 25 and my husband is 50. We have been happily married for 3 years. But sometimes I find myself worrying about his age. I cry when I think about living the last half of my life alone, because I don't think I could ever love anyone else as strongly as I do him. My husband is my rock, my reason for living, and I'm grateful for every moment we have.
     I'm psychologically well other wise, and these sad feelings don't last longer than a few hours, but... is this normal?
Dear Wondering,
You just need to learn to not worry about your husband dying, which, at HIS age, will probably be tomorrow.
Dear John,
     My girlfriend loses EVERYTHING! Her keys, her wallet, her credit cards... even her car!
     I have suggested ways to avoid losing her keys. For example, always use the same pocket in her purse or put them in a bowl by the door. She doesn't do it, and I think it's just to spite me, because, yes, the world DOES revolve around me.
     She's resentful that I have become impatient about it, I'm frustrated because this is something that can easily be fixed, and we're BOTH tired of searching every 20 minutes for something she's lost.
     What can I do?
Dear Frustrated,
Tell me about it. I lost my virginity at 14, and I haven't seen it since.
Confidential to Curious
As a matter of fact, yes. If a tree falls in the forest and there's no one there to hear it, it DOES make a sound.
American Chimpanzee

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

The El PasOlympics (Part One)

El Paso's not known for its snow, so if we were ever chosen to host The Winter Olympics we would need to come up with alternate competitions that would let the world know what makes El Paso the great city that it is. 
     I suggest these: 
1. The Trying-To-Pass-Someone-Going-45mph-On-The-Freeway-While-The-Driver-Next-To-Him-In-The-Passing-Lane-Is-Going-46 Competition.
2. The Trying-To-Jog-While-Avoiding-Dogs-That-Aren't-Gated-Or-Leashed Competition.
3. The Trying-To-Find-A-Parking-Space-Downtown-When-There's-A-Big-Event Competition.
4. The Trying-To-Enjoy-A-Movie-While-The-Person-In-Front-Of-You-Is-Enjoying-Their-Cell-Phone Competition.
5. The Trying-To-Listen-To-Your-Radio-In-The-Privacy-Of-Your-Car-While-The-Jerk-In-The-Car-Next-To-You-Is-Blasting-His-While-Keeping-His-Windows-Down-So-He-Can-Annoy-Even-More-People Competition.
6. The Getting-A-Tattoo-To-Look-Attractive-When-What-You-Really-Should-Be-Doing-Is-Losing-Weight Competition.
7. The Having-To-Park-At-The-Far-End-Of-The-Parking-Lot-Because-Some-Bozo-Took-Up-Two-Spaces-Close-By Competition.
8. The Who-Can-Leave-Their-Christmas-Lights-Up-The-Longest-After-The-Holiday-Is-Over Competition.
9. The How-Much-Black-Smoke-Does-Your-Car-Have-To-Blow-Out-Before-You'll-Finally-Break-Down-And-Fix-It Competition.
10. The Regretting-That-Tear-Drop-Tattoo-At-The-Corner-Of-Your-Eye-Not-Because-Of-How-Stupid-It-Looks-But-Because-It-Makes-You-Easier-To-Pick-Out-Of-A-Line-Up Competition.
American Chimpanzee

Friday, February 7, 2014

The Week In Tweets: Special "Jay Leno... FIRED" Edition

Jay Leno was host of The Tonight Show for 22 YEARS!

Jay Leno was host of The Tonight Show for 22 YEARS! When he first started, you could smoke cigarettes anywhere in public...
...just like you can with pot today.
Now that Jay Leno's been fired from NBC's Tonight Show, I bet he's glad President Obama is extending those unemployment benefits.
Now that Jay Leno is unemployed, I guess he'll be signing up for ObamaCare.
Everyone's sad about Jay Leno leaving The Tonight Show. Even Anthony Weiner tweeted Jay a picture of his penis. It looked sad.
Believe It Or Nuts! In theory, because of aerodynamic downforce, a Formula One race car can drive ON THE ROOF of a tunnel. Sure, YOU try it.
Prince guest-stars in a special post-Super Bowl episode of New Girl! No, wait... that's already over and done with. Like Prince's career.
Believe It Or Nuts! In l97O, only 55 of the l27 starters in the first New York City marathon finished the race...
...the rest were mugged.
Dang! I know it's Year Of The Horse, but I keep writing Year Of The Snake on my checks.
On this date in l778, the U.S. and France signed a peace treaty. The U.S. promised to not attack them and France promised to stop surrendering.
Believe It Or Nuts! Jay Phoenix of Brisbane, Australia bungee jumped l5O times in 24hrs, proving just how stupid Brisbane, Australians are.
Axl Rose, lead singer of Guns N' Roses, turns 52 today! At 52, Axl looks every bit as good as he sings.
Axl Rose, lead singer of Guns N' Roses, turns 52 today! Interestingly enough, the number 52 also happens to be the waist-size of his jeans.
I was arrested for something I didn't do. I didn't run fast enough.
The world doesn't owe you a living. It was here first.
President Obama's Three Branches of Government: ''Me, my phone, and my pen. You're welcome, America.''
My ex once had sex with her high school teacher. The worst thing about it was that she was home-schooled.
When I first got married, I used to pick a fight with my ex for the make-up sex. Then, after a few years, I'd pick a fight just so she'd sleep in the other room.
Damn right I was surprised when Rosie O'Donnell came out of the closet. Who knew she could even FIT in a closet?
When I trip and fall, I figure it's the ground saying, ''C'mere."
I'm getting an above-ground pool. I want something that will be fun and lower the value of my home at the same time.
What's the one thing that turns Bill Clinton off in the bedroom? Hillary.
We're not so different from snowmen. They're mostly water, too.
Justin Bieber! Turned away from THREE Super Bowl parties! He finally got into the Maxim party, but he had to sit at the children's table.
If you can't say something nice... put it on the internet.
Show me a guy who never takes off his baseball cap and I'll show you a guy who is losing his hair.
Ugh... this tastes AWFUL! It must be good for me.
What kind of spider grows up to be an octopus?
My ex doesn't need a good pair of walking shoes, she needs a good pair of sitting-on-her-fat-ass shoes.
New Orleans isn't the worst-run city in America, but it's the best-run city in the Caribbean.
How can a bed be so easy to get into, but so hard to get out of?
My hair is gray,
My eyes are weak,
My ears don't hear,
My joints all squeak,
But I don't mind,
Ain't bothered none,
My wife's in bed,
And up for fun.
American Chimpanzee