Shirley Temple, l929-2Ol4: ''I'm not a KID! I'm a GIRL! And TODAY'S my BIRTHDAY!"
A Valentine's Day Truth: Women LOVE romantic poetry for Valentine's Day... as long as they also get something expensive along with it.
A Valentine's Day Message: There's somebody for everybody in this world. Well... maybe not for you.
Some Valentine's Day Trivia: XXX adult film actor Ron Jeremy's tallywacker is so big that it graduated from high school... A YEAR BEFORE HE DID!
A Valentine's Day Realization: Boy oh boy, I don't know what's scarier, Halloween or Valentine's Day.
A Valentine's Day Miracle: A lady in her 6O's recently gave birth! She's going to use cloth diapers... because plastic makes her chafe.
Kinky Sex On Valentine's Day: My buddy's having sex with his wife and her twin. How will he tell them apart? Her brother has a mustache.
A Valentine Love Poem: I walked into her life, her heart, her bed, her friend's bed, her lawyer's office, and her rear-view mirror.
A Valentine's Day Gripe: 4O-year-old Heidi Klum dating a 27-year-old! Where were all these supermodel child molesters when I was growing up?
A Valentine's Day Tribute: Lea Michele pays tribute in her new song to her dead boyfriend Cory Monteith because ''it'll sell more copies."
Some Valentine's Day Trivia: The day BEFORE Valentine's Day is Mistress Day. Go ahead, spead the love... and various other social diseases.
A Valentine's Day Suggestion: Quit'cher bitchin' and git in the kitchen!
A Valentine's Day Pick-Up Line: Are you sitting on a pie? 'Cause your ass is sweet.
Sid Caesar, l922-2Ol4: ''This is the highest they've ever fied. If they fi any higher than that, they're gonna foo!"
I'm not saying my ex is dumb, but she once asked me which came first, World War I or World War II.
I avoid unwanted pregnancies by dating illegal aliens. If they turn up pregnant, I just call immigration and have them deported.
You are wrathful, covetous, slothful, envious, and you lust after anything that breathes! Verily, have you no pride?
All In Pun! Hemingway first dabbled in short stories, but then began writing in Ernest.
I didn't learn anything in my four years of college. My problem was I double-majored in psychology and reverse psychology.
I do say ''I love you,'' but only to keep from saying ''I'm wrong."
Tom Brokaw has cancer and requests we respect his privacy. This from a man who spent his life sticking his nose into other people's business.
Believe It Or Nuts! In l976, Queen Elizabeth was the first Head of State to send an e-mail. It read, ''Dear son, you'll NEVER be King."
All In Pun! Casper the Friendly Ghost and his wife like to shop in... BOOtiques.
Nevada says it will look the other way when it comes to gay marriage. Unless it's 2 lesbians. In that case, they'll get their video cameras.
Some are born to Grape-Nuts, some achieve Grape-Nuts, and some have Grape-Nuts thrust upon them.
It takes courage and ingenuity to survive. Kind of like me when I run into my ex.
How stupid were Jack and Jill? I mean, who digs a well at the TOP of a hill"?
You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will more than likely piss me off.
Believe It Or Nuts! Snake massages are given by giant pythons at spas in Indonesia. You'll be amazed how great you feel... IF you survive.
My son thinks he can be an Olympic snowboarder. Hmm... I'd say I have a better chance of him being an Olympic room and boarder.
You gotta do it because you love it, because, if you don't love it, you ain't gonna do it.
Astronomers believe the coldest place in the universe is the Booerang Nebula. Wrong. The coldest place in the universe is my ex's heart.
What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin? If I'm buying it from you, it's a fiddle. If you're buying it from me, it's a violin.
Can you believe it? Facebook is TEN YEARS OLD! My, how wasted time flies.
I'm a guy. For Valentine's Day, there are gifts, candies, and flowers... but only for the girls. I'm losing interest in the holiday already.
Believe It Or Nuts! A 2Ol2 study found that honeybees can distinguish between the paintings of Monet and Picasso. Your tax dollars at work.
My wife has started looking forward to Spring. Me? I started looking forward to Spring back around Thanksgiving.
I went to a Psychic Fair... they didn't know I was coming.
I'm in a bad mood, and there's only one thing you can do when you're in a bad mood: SHARE IT!
Wow! I just sneezed, burped, and tooted. I SNURPOOTED.
Light-years? Man, EVERYTHING'S low-calorie these days.
I've always heard that when it rains, it's because God is crying. Why does God cry? I'm guessing it's probably because of something you did.
There's no need to weigh a pound cake.
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