Friday, February 7, 2014

The Week In Tweets: Special "Jay Leno... FIRED" Edition

Jay Leno was host of The Tonight Show for 22 YEARS!

Jay Leno was host of The Tonight Show for 22 YEARS! When he first started, you could smoke cigarettes anywhere in public...
...just like you can with pot today.
Now that Jay Leno's been fired from NBC's Tonight Show, I bet he's glad President Obama is extending those unemployment benefits.
Now that Jay Leno is unemployed, I guess he'll be signing up for ObamaCare.
Everyone's sad about Jay Leno leaving The Tonight Show. Even Anthony Weiner tweeted Jay a picture of his penis. It looked sad.
Believe It Or Nuts! In theory, because of aerodynamic downforce, a Formula One race car can drive ON THE ROOF of a tunnel. Sure, YOU try it.
Prince guest-stars in a special post-Super Bowl episode of New Girl! No, wait... that's already over and done with. Like Prince's career.
Believe It Or Nuts! In l97O, only 55 of the l27 starters in the first New York City marathon finished the race...
...the rest were mugged.
Dang! I know it's Year Of The Horse, but I keep writing Year Of The Snake on my checks.
On this date in l778, the U.S. and France signed a peace treaty. The U.S. promised to not attack them and France promised to stop surrendering.
Believe It Or Nuts! Jay Phoenix of Brisbane, Australia bungee jumped l5O times in 24hrs, proving just how stupid Brisbane, Australians are.
Axl Rose, lead singer of Guns N' Roses, turns 52 today! At 52, Axl looks every bit as good as he sings.
Axl Rose, lead singer of Guns N' Roses, turns 52 today! Interestingly enough, the number 52 also happens to be the waist-size of his jeans.
I was arrested for something I didn't do. I didn't run fast enough.
The world doesn't owe you a living. It was here first.
President Obama's Three Branches of Government: ''Me, my phone, and my pen. You're welcome, America.''
My ex once had sex with her high school teacher. The worst thing about it was that she was home-schooled.
When I first got married, I used to pick a fight with my ex for the make-up sex. Then, after a few years, I'd pick a fight just so she'd sleep in the other room.
Damn right I was surprised when Rosie O'Donnell came out of the closet. Who knew she could even FIT in a closet?
When I trip and fall, I figure it's the ground saying, ''C'mere."
I'm getting an above-ground pool. I want something that will be fun and lower the value of my home at the same time.
What's the one thing that turns Bill Clinton off in the bedroom? Hillary.
We're not so different from snowmen. They're mostly water, too.
Justin Bieber! Turned away from THREE Super Bowl parties! He finally got into the Maxim party, but he had to sit at the children's table.
If you can't say something nice... put it on the internet.
Show me a guy who never takes off his baseball cap and I'll show you a guy who is losing his hair.
Ugh... this tastes AWFUL! It must be good for me.
What kind of spider grows up to be an octopus?
My ex doesn't need a good pair of walking shoes, she needs a good pair of sitting-on-her-fat-ass shoes.
New Orleans isn't the worst-run city in America, but it's the best-run city in the Caribbean.
How can a bed be so easy to get into, but so hard to get out of?
My hair is gray,
My eyes are weak,
My ears don't hear,
My joints all squeak,
But I don't mind,
Ain't bothered none,
My wife's in bed,
And up for fun.
American Chimpanzee

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