The Week In Tweets: Special You're Against What? Edition!

 Fake News Reports!

My wife wants me to help clean the kitchen.

I told her I’d polish off the leftovers.

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The Washington Post Reveals That The FBI Agents Who Raided President Trump’s Mar-A-Lago Home Were Searching For Classified Documents Related To Nuclear Weapons!

  …but instead left with 21+ boxes filled with panties confiscated from Melania’s underwear drawer.

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Having Lost Nesting Habitats Due To Storms, High Tide, & Predation, The Kemp's Ridley Sea Turtle~One Of The Most Endangered In The World~Has Laid Its Eggs On The Newly Renourished Galveston Beach!

   “We’ll,” said the turtle, “I had to lay them somewhere.”

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The World's Rarest Sea Turtle Lays Her Eggs On The Newly Renourished Galveston Beach! “And they were f*cking delicious,” a satiated Beto O’Rourke burps contentedly.

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According To A Fox News Poll, 75% Of Americans Are Dissatisfied With The Direction Politicians Are Taking The United States!

   What?

   You’re AGAINST grown men going into a public bathroom with your young daughters?

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According To A Fox News Poll, 75% Of Americans Are Dissatisfied With The Direction Politicians Are Taking The United States!

   What?

   You’re AGAINST biological males competing in women’s sports?

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While Executing A Search Warrant, The FBI Spent Hours Alone Inside President Trump’s Mar-A-Lago Home!

   “It takes time to properly hide microphones and plant evidence,” Attorney General Merrick Garland explained.

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Elite Daily Lets Slip That Mandy Moore Is Up For Another “The Princess Diaries” Sequel And Even Has A Major Idea For It!

   “Well, first off,” the movie’s mean-girl actress told the movie studio, “you pay me A LOT of money.”

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Axios Tells Us How To Watch The Perseid Meteor Shower!

   Um… with your eyes?

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In El Paso, Texas, Several Men Saved A Woman’s Life By Pulling Her Out Of A Car Seconds Before It Was Swallowed By A Sinkhole!

   That’s toxic masculinity for you.

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As Gas Prices Fall, CNBC Wonders If The Trend Will Continue!

   “Not if I can do anything about it,” Dark Brandon promises.

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William Shakespeare’s Globe Theater~Located On The Bank Of The River Thames In London ~Produces A Play About Joan Of Arc Using Woke Pro-Nouns “They/Them” Because… “You know, that’s the way they talked in those days.”

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Jim Duchene

Fake News Chief Correspondent

read my RaisingDad humor column for caregivers at

Desert Exposure Magazine

desertexposure.com

@JimDuchene

It's The Little Things

 as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine

RaisingDad

by Jim and Henry Duchene

It’s The Little Things

“you’re never too old to learn”

It's not the big things that drive you nuts... it's the little things.

     When I first asked my elderly father to move in with us, I knew there would be a period of adjustment. What I didn't know was just how long that period of adjustment would be. Here it is, years later, and I'm still adjusting.

     My father?

     He's doing just fine.

     My father had been the head of his household well into his 80's. Myself, I've been in charge of my own life since I turned 18, when I put what I learned in my high school geography class to use and went to college out of state.

     As a kid, I learned early on that no one was allowed to touch my father's morning newspaper until he was finished reading it, and, believe me, he took a looong time to read it.

     "Pop," I would ask him, "can I have the comics?"

     "No," he would answer.

     My father was a firm believer in brevity.

     It didn't matter that he never read the comics, or that I would be done with it by the time he was ready to read Dear Abby, which was featured in the same section. He liked reading about other people's problems. It amused him so many people were willing to hang out their dirty laundry for everyone to see.

Personally, I'm not so strict. If any of my kids want to share the newspaper with me, I’m just happy they enjoy being in my company.

     However, when my father first moved in with me, the newspaper quickly became a point of contention between the two of us. You see, I also enjoy reading the newspaper first thing in the morning. My father, however, if he gets to the newspaper before I do, he's like a dog guarding his bone. Grrr...

     Like I said, it's one of those little things that drives me nuts. 

     How did I deal with it?

     Well, to tell you that story, I first have to tell you this story: When I was 12, and prone to overestimating my abilities, we went on a family vacation to the beach.

     "Don't swim out too far," my mother warned me.

     Did I listen?

     Of course not. I knew everything. 

     Needless to say, I immediately swam out further than I should have. When I tried to swim back, I noticed for every three feet I swam forward, the waves dragged me back four. It didn't matter how hard I swam, I kept being pulled further and further back into the ocean. Any further, and I'd have ended up being just another face on a milk carton.

     Oh, sure, I could have yelled for help, but that would have been embarrassing. Thinking about it now, I wonder how many swimmers have drowned because they were too self-conscious to cry out for help, but that wasn't what was on my mind when I was treading water, desperately trying to make it back to shore. It didn't look good. My arms and legs felt like wet noodles. I was getting nowhere fast.

     Did I survive?

     Well, I'm writing this story, aren't I?

     What to do? What to do?

      "Don’t be stupid!" I imagined my father chastising me.

     So I put my about-to-panic brain to work and came up with a plan. I swam WITH the ocean when the waves were moving forward toward the beach, and when the waves moved back toward the open sea, I stopped swimming and rested. Eventually, I made it back to dry land. My arms and legs trembling from exhaustion. I survived because I decided to stop fighting the waves and worked with them instead. And THAT’S what I decided to do with my father, himself a force of nature. I would work with him, not fight against him.

     So now, on those mornings when I get to the newspaper first, I try to be gracious. I offer my father the sections I'm not reading. On the mornings when my father gets to the newspaper before I do, I choose not to argue or get angry, because it IS a choice, after all. Why ruin everybody's day? 

     My father is an old man. I’ve learned that if his only pleasure in life is having the morning newspaper to himself, I can live with that.

     I tell you this because just this morning I was watching TV in the den. In my favorite chair was my father, hogging the newspaper as usual. A commercial for herpes medication came on. In it were people who were swimming and hiking and dancing. Some were busy negotiating important business deals, some were vacationing in exotic lands, and others were enjoying romantic dinners.

     “I guess the ‘S’ in STD must stand for success,” I told my father. 

     “What?” he said.

     “Nothing,” I answered.

     Separating a section from the newspaper, he held it toward me.

     “You want the comics?” he asked.

     I guess he's learned a few things, too.

  

 ************************

I had a handle on life, but it broke.

theduchenebrothers@gmail.com

@JimDuchene

The Week In Tweets: Special The Next Pandemic Edition!

 Fake News Reports!

  

Insomnia is God’s way of telling me I’m not done fighting with my wife.

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After Nine Months, Kim Kardashian And Pete Davidson Have Called It Quits!

   “I’ll NEVER get the smell out of my house,” the reality star laments.

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In An Albuquerque Journal Update, Prosecutors In New Mexico Are Awaiting The Results Of The Forensics In The Fatal Film-Set Shooting Of Cinematographer Halyna Hutchins By Alec Baldwin Before They Can Let The Hollywood Star Off With A Slap On The Wrist!

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Joe Biden Has Finally Tested NEGATIVE After Several Recurring Bouts Of COVID-Xi, Dr. Kevin C. O’Connor Announced Today.

   “The President continues to feel very well,” the White House physician said, “and looks forward to his next recurrence.”

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Deadly Lighting Strike In Washington DC Kills 3, Injures 4–All Democrats!

   It’s official:

   God’s picked a side.

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Jimmy Wales Tells Gizmodo How The Internet Has Changed Since He Co-Founded Wikipedia In 2001!

   “Who knew back then we’d be shilling for a failing administration by changing the definition of a word then locking the page so no one can correct it?”

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The El Paso Times Tells You “Why You Should Prepare Now To Vote In The Nov. 8 Midterm Elections”!

   “Because you’re stupid.”

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Republican Senator Tim Scott Says We Should Wait And See If Anything Comes From The FBI’s Raid On President Trump’s Mar-A-Lago Home!

   “We should let it play out,” he advised. “And it has nothing to do with me running for president in 2024.”

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The New Langya Virus (First Detected In Late 2018) Has Infected 35 People In China!

   You know, maybe China should get out of the studying viruses business.

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Thirty-Five People In Eastern China Have Been Infected By The Deadly Langya Virus! 

   Scientists tell us that so far there is no evidence that it can transmit between humans.

   You know, how ‘bout we just assume that it can.

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Jim Duchene

Fake News Chief Correspondent

read my RaisingDad humor column for caregivers at

Desert Exposure Magazine

desertexposure.com

The Week In Tweets: Special Are You A Narcissist? Edition!

 Fake News Reports!

  

I like going to the shoe store. It’s the only place I’m considered a 10.

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  While Acknowledging “The Lord Will Say” When It’s Time, Pope Francis Tells Reporters He May Step Down Due To Health Issues.

   “It’s exhausting being waited on hand and foot,” he explains.

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  Despite A Threat From China That There Would Be “Resolute And Strong Measures” Should Democrat Nancy Pelosi Visit Taiwan, The House Speaker Did So Anyway!

   “I really needed a new maid,” she explained.

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  Under Pressure From The Woke, Beyoncé Confirms She Will Remove An Ableist Slur From Her 7th Studio Album “Renaissance”!

  “But let me assure my fans,” she said, assuring her fans, “that I’ll continue to refer to women as ‘bitches’ and ‘hoes’ and call blacks the N-word.”

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  Scientists Bring Dead Pig Organs Back To Life!

   “Next, we’ll work on Bob Dylan.”

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  A Russian Court Has Sentenced WNBA’s Brittney Griner To NINE Years In Prison For Drug Possession!

   In a related story, Vladimir Putin has revealed his 9 year plan to start his own woman’s basketball league.

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  In An Interview With The Telegraph, Singer/Songwriter Robbie Williams Revealed “I Did An Online Test To See If I Was A Narcissist”!

   You know what’s the #1 thing you can do to find out if you’re a narcissist?

   Taking a test to see if you’re a narcissist.

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  According To The Albuquerque Journal, The State Of New Mexico Is Ramping Up Their Push To Vaccinate NM Residents Against The Dreaded Monkeypox!

   “But I’m not in the high-risk group.”

   JUST SHUT UP AND TAKE THE VACCINE!

 

#SpankTheMonkeyBeatThePox

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  John Leguizamo Throws An Instagram Hissy Fit Over The Casting Of James Franco As Cuban Dictator Fidel Castro In The Independent Film “Alina of Cuba”!

   Calm down, John.

   You weren’t getting the part anyway.

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  John Leguizamo SLAMS Hollywood For Casting James Franco As Fidel Castro In The Independent Film “Alina of Cuba”!

  “I don’t got a [problem] with Franco” the diminutive Colombian whined, “but he ain’t Latino!”

  John, you do know Franco is a common surname that originated in Spain, don’t you?

   “Boy, am I stupid or what?”

   You really want me to answer that?

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Jim Duchene

Fake News Chief Correspondent

read my RaisingDad humor column for caregivers at

Desert Exposure Magazine

desertexposure.com