Friday, November 29, 2013

The Week In Tweets: The Not-So-Special Thanksgiving Edition


The Day After Thanksgiving: After a good meal, you can forgive anything... even family.
My ex told me she'd die for me. I asked her, ''How soon?''
The only thing our government's good at is taking our money.
I can't remember what it was I lost, but I bet it was something I really need.
For me, it's football season. For my dog, it's Thank God My Owner's A Sloppy Snacker season.
I saw a doctor's advertisement for non-surgical weight-loss treatments. Isn't that just a more expensive way of saying diet and exercise?
The President no longer calls his Affordable Care Act: ObamaCare. You know it's bad when even Obama tries to distance himself from ObamaCare.
Obama: ''You see, I HAD to lie to get Republicans to vote FOR ObamaCare. So, if anybody's to blame for my lying... it's the Republicans.''
I'm not saying my ex is fat, but in The Battle of The Bulge, her rear flank is well supported.
My ex fell down a well. She must be ok, because she quit yelling for help 2 days ago.
Satan: 'Just sign here, and that means I will keep this promise to you: if you like your soul, you will be able to keep your soul. Period.'
I'm not saying my ex is cheap, but the only High-Definition she owns is the dictionary on her top shelf.
I didn't have any marital problems that getting divorced didn't cure.
Are they called 'waiters' because they're so good at making us wait for our food?
Every time I developed an immunity to my ex's cooking it mutated into a new strain.
My financial problems have less to do with the weak dollar and more to do with the week's dollars.
I've found that when couples argue, one of them is usually right, and the other one usually stops giving him sex.
Authorities continue to search for the disappearing Hollywood celebrities who were blissfully endorsing ObamaCare just a few short weeks ago.
''Sweetie, I forgot my password again. What plague did I compare your mother to?''
I don't let my dog chase the mailman, so he uses unmanned drones.
It was my parent's job to teach me right from wrong. I'm simply a result of their poor parenting skills. 
My house just sold for less than what I paid for it, but for more than it would have last year. In real estate logic, my loss is now a profit.
In life, it's not what you GET that counts, it's what you get to KEEP.
On this date in l789, President George Washington declared a day of thanksgiving! ''I give thanks, oh Lord, for so many hot female slaves.''
On this date in l825, the lst college fraternity was formed! This was the lst part of a grand plan to invent sex, drugs, and rock and roll.
On this date in l94l, six Japanese aircraft carriers started toward Pearl Harbor in a grand plan to eventually get their asses kicked by the U.S.
On this date in l942, ''Casablanca'' had its world premiere at the Hollywood Theater in New York, and NOT the New York Theater in Hollywood.
On this date in l95O, China entered the Korean War! North Koreans, well-fed on a diet of tree bark and grass soup, will be forever grateful.
On this date in l973, Nixon's secretary took blame for an l8 l/2 minute gap in a key Watergate tape. Sadly, Ms. Woods' OWN gap was l8 l/2.
Happy birthday to Tina Turner! She's just as sexy at 74 as she was at 24! That's not really a compliment.
Impressionist Rich Little turns 75 today! When Johnny Carson died, so did Rich Little's career.

President Truman: ''The buck stops here!'' President Obama: ''Where's the beef?''
A turkey farmer in Henniker, New Hampshire gives his turkeys BEER to drink! All I can say to that is, ''Gobble gobble, Mr. Turkey Farmer.''
Stevie Nicks guests on American Horror Story: Coven. She plays a kook who sleeps with her best friend's husband. Wait, that was Fleetwood Mac.
You're only young once, but with some there's no age-limit on childish behavior.
My ex once gave me a gift that was so nice I almost didn't throw it away.
On this date in l783, Britain fled their last military position in the U.S. during the Revolutionary War. In other words we KICKED THEIR ASS!
On this date in l957, President Eisenhower suffered a stroke. It didn't interfere with his duties, which mainly consisted of doing nothing.
On this date in l963, JFK was laid to rest. To this day, his family has honored his memory by shamelessly leeching off the Kennedy name.
On this date in l973, Greek President Papadopoulos was ousted in a bloodless coup. 'We had to. No one could say his name without laughing.'
On this date in 2OO2, President Bush created the Deptartment of Homeland Security, because the terrorists ''aren't done fucking with us yet.''
The Bush Twins, Jenna and Barbara, both turn 32 today! I'd say more, but I've been advised by my attorney not to.
Dancing With The Stars judge Bruno Tonioli turns 58 today! How gay is he? He's the Himalayan of ''him a laying.''
Author, actor and economist Ben Stein is 69! There's nothing funny about Ben Stein, I just like saying ''69.''
''Halt! Friend or foe!'' ''Are you armed?'' ''Yes!'' ''Then I'm your friend.''
The only thing our government's good at is screwing up.
My ex is one of a kind. At least that's my hope.
Happy Birthday, Miley Cyrus! You're finally 2l-years-old! What? You say I'm late? Well, so's your period.
Whenever I try to start collecting the fruits of my labor, I slip on a banana peel. 
Do you think my blood might need more chocolate in it?
American Chimpanzee

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Thank You, America

First and foremost, I'm thankful for the re-election of my close and personal friend, President Barack Hussein Obama--the man who once saved my life in 'Nam.
     You see, I've worked hard all my life to support myself, my family, and various mistresses and illegitimate children. Now, I figure, it's time to let the government do it.
     Because I can.
     Do you have any idea how expensive it is to feed a houseful of hungry kids, some of whom might even be yours? Well, neither does the government, that's why they're so better suited for the job.
     School supplies? I say, if the government requires us to send our children to school, then they should be required to buy the clothes, supplies, and breakfasts, lunches, and dinners that go along with it. How can I stay at home and make sure that the government workers in charge of upkeep on my home are doing their job if I have to be at a job? Having a job is not my job, that's the government's job.
     The price of gasoline keeps going up with no end in sight, that's why I need the government to subsidize my gasoline usage. I need the government to pay for all the things I need, so that I can then buy all the things I want. I think the late, great country singer Jerry Reed said it best: "Who's gonna collect my welfare check / to pay for my brand-new Cadillac?" Who, indeed? How can I afford the new iPhone Infinity and iPad Extra-Absorbent if I have to pay for little inconveniences like electricity?
     I see a bright future ahead. A bright future for me, that is. A future where I don't have to get up earlier than I would like to, to go to a job that I don't want to go to, to earn a paycheck with a good chunk taken out of it by the government so that they can then distribute it to other people. People I don't know. People who aren't related to me. People I'm not having sex with. I don't want a future where I have to pull my own weight, my friend. And neither do you. Want it for me, I mean. You wouldn't want that kind of future for me, would you? No, you wouldn't. Not if you could see me making my sad face. Come here, kids. Yeah, you illegitimate ones, too. Make your sad faces. See? You wouldn't want it.
     Every morning when you go to work and put in your eight, ten, twelve hours, rest assured that you're doing a good thing. For me. An aging, aching me. A me who supported a bloated government all his life, until he realized that he didn't have to.
     And, while I'm on the subject, I think I'm going to enjoy getting older. I already have my plans laid out for me. Besides doing nothing and being a financial drain on other people's tax dollars, I'm also going to steal. Why?
     Because I can.
     Hey, I'm an old man. what's the worse that can happen?
     Best case scenario: I steal and get away with it. I have more stuff, and the excess stuff I have I can sell on eBay or garage sales. Preferably garage sales, because that way there's no paper trail.
     Worse case scenario: I steal and get caught. In which case, all I have to do is act feeble and confused and they'll let me go. And if they don't let me go, I'll start crying. Nothing sadder than a pathetic old man crying. If they still don't let me go, then, when they're leading me away to the back room where they keep shoplifters, I'll fall. They'll then have to call for an ambulance for my personal getaway car. And, after all this, if they still want to have me arrested and press charges, I can sue them for roughing me up and pushing me, making me fall on the hard floor. And then they'll let me go because they wouldn't want the bad publicity. I might even get a nice fat settlement out of it.
     That's what those jerks get for going against the new entitlement generation.
     And, while I'm kind of on the subject, when I'm on the road, you'd better get out of my way. I'm having the government buy me a big, heavy duty, gas-guzzling SUV. The kind Al Gore drives. Something I can use to push cars out of the way when they're going slow in the fast lane. Before my retirement, I used to worry about silly things like insurance or how much a tank of gas cost, but since the government will be footing the bill, I say the bigger the better.
     And I'm especially thankful for ObamaCare. Nothing says a free America better than free health care. What? Your health care isn't free? In fact, it's gone up in price since ObamaCare's gone into effect? Gee, that's too bad. Oh, well. As long as I'm happy.
     Thanksgiving is a time to give thanks and to be grateful. I'm thankful I live in this great country, where a man works according to his ability and gets according to his need. And I'm grateful for a government that sees the expediency of giving me a fish, rather than going through the trouble of teaching me to fish.
     Now, where did I get this crazy idea? It's not so crazy, amigo. I first got the idea when the company I work for tried to fire me. I say "tried" because they didn't succeed. True, I'm bad at what I do, and the job I have is obsolete, but what does that have to do with anything? I'm not lazy, I'm just useless. But I've been a uselessly loyal employee for 7 months. That's a long time in the life of a Monarch Butterfly. My company, like my government, owes me. They owe me big.
     When it came time to get rid of me, my supervisor made the mistake of being a nice guy. He called me into his office to save me the embarrassment of a Donald-Trump-in-the-boardroom moment.
     "Jim," he told me, sadly, "I know this couldn't come at the worst possible time, what with the holidays and all, but we have to let you go."
     I looked down at a piece of lint on my knee. He mistook this for crying, and walked over to comfort me.
     "I really feel bad about this," he continued, "if there's anything I can do."
     He put a hand on my shoulder. Before he could react, I ripped open my shirt, buttons flying everywhere. My boss stood there in shock. He couldn't move. Shock turned to disbelief when I pushed myself backward to the floor in my chair.
     "Help! Help!" I yelled, mussing up my hair.
     My boss moved forward to help me, and that's how they found him when my co-workers burst through the door to see what the emergency was. My boss. Standing over me. Reaching down to get me.
     "Don't hit me!" I begged, feigning terror. "Please, don't hit me! I'm a bleeder."
     My boss looked at all the convenient witnesses.
     "No, it's not what you think," he tried to tell them, but it was too late.
     My boss was fired on the spot. I, on the other hand, got my own office and a raise. And job security.
     Do the math. Being a contributing member of society got me fired. Being a selfish jerk got me my job back. With a promotion. All because my company is afraid I might sue them. And I might. Why?
     Because I can.
     God bless the U.S.A.
American Chimpanzee

Monday, November 25, 2013

The Truth About Obama's Lies

"Nobody ever tells me anything," the President told me.
     I wish I could say that I was in the neighborhood and just dropped by, but I was escorted to the White House by some very serious looking men in dark gray suits and black ties.
     It started with a phone call. Usually when Obama calls, I jump--it's the least I can do for the man who once saved my life in 'Nam-- but I was watching a TV marathon of Will & Grace on the WE Channel, and my daughter and I were debating which character was funniest, who we liked more, and if the two could be the same.
     "You're wrong, Dad, and let me tell you why..." she was saying, when I heard the phone ring in my office. Not my landline, or even my cell phone, but the special Red Phone that links me directly with the Oval Office. And to Bob Guccione, but that's another story.
     My wife answered it.
     "Jim!" she yelled from where she was.
     "I'm not here!" I yelled back.
     The door bell rang, and I got up to answer it. It was those serious looking men. The next thing I knew I was on a unmanned drone headed for the Washington. It wasn't so bad. It had satellite radio, and I was able to listen to Ron & Fez. The next thing I knew after that, I was waiting for the President in his Oval Orifice.
     "Sorry to take you away from your family," he told me, "but I needed somebody to talk to."
     "My daughter and I were watching Will & Grace," I told him, somewhat snippily.
     "Spoiler alert," he said, "Will's gay..."
     "It was a marathon."
     "...and they don't get married."
     His joke fell flat. Unless he's reading them off a teleprompter, they usually do.
     "There must be a reason you wanted to see me?"
     Obama paused. He wasn't a man who liked to show weakness.
     "It's the media," he finally told me. "They've got the American people thinking I'm a liar."
     "The media?"
     "Yeah, the media. They've been on my back ever since this whole Affordable Care Act fiasco with the website."
     "Then it's your first victory."
     "What do you mean by that?"
     "ObamaCare finally brought the media out of its five-year coma."
     Obama threw his head back and laughed. A good long laugh. I hadn't seen him laugh like that since he talked Hilary into taking the hit for Benghazi.
     An aide knocked timidly on the door. The President stopped laughing.
     "Mr. President," the aide said. "I've got some bad news..."
     "Get out of here!" the President bellowed, not even getting out of his chair. "Can't you see I'm busy?"
     "Out! Don't make me make you cry!"
     The aide ran, too scared to even close the door behind him.
     "That's right, fat boy," Obama chuckled. "You'd better run." And then to me, he said, "I never get tired of that. Never."
     "Mr. President," I interrupted, trying to find the path that would get me back home the quickest.
"You were saying?"
     "Oh, yeah... the media. Well, my approval rating's gone to crap. My stature among the American people's at zero. And my hair's going gray like nobody's business. But it's not my fault," he was quick to point out.
     "George Bush?" I suggested.
     "No, not George Bush. I wish I could blame him, it's always worked for me before, but this time it's my own people. Nobody ever tells me anything. I'm kept in the dark, and when the shite hits the fan, I look like a liar."
     "Surely they told you about Benghazi," my enquiring mind wanted to know.
     "The NSA spying?"
     "The IRS targeting of conservative groups?"
     "Fast & Furious? Syria? Solyndra?"
     "No. No. And no."
     "No one told you any of it?"
     Before the President could answer, the aide was back at the door.
     "Mr. President?" he asked, peeking around the door. "I really need to talk with you."
     "Didn't I tell you to get out?" the President yelled at the aide. He turned his head in my direction. "Jim, shoot him," he ordered presidentially.
     "I can't shoot him, Mr. President."
     "Why not?"
     "Because it's against the law."
     "Against the law?"
     "That's right, sir."
     "Then give me your gun and I'll shoot him."
     "I can't do that either."
     "Why not?"
     "Because that would be illegal, too."
     "What's the point of being president, if I can't shoot anybody?" he howled, shaking a fist at the heavens. "Man, I miss Chicago."
     By this time, all we could hear was the aide's footsteps echoing down the hall as fast from us as humanly possible on chubby little legs.
     Obama laughed.
     "I never get tired of that. Never. How much you want to bet I can make him cry?"
     I got up from my chair.
     "Mr. President," I told him, "I've got to go. I've got a little girl at home waiting to tell me why I'm wrong."
     "You think you've got problems? What about me? No one ever tells me anything," the President continued, not even noticing me leaving the room. "The ObamaCare website doesn't work! The insurance companies were going to cancel their policies! There's been three months of secret meetings with Iran and now I've got to go sell a deal to the American people that I don't know anything about!"
     By this time I had already stepped through the doorway and was on my way down the long hallway home. On my way out, I passed the same aide on his way back in. He was shaking his head, and mumbling to himself, "Why can't we ever tell him anything?"
     I didn't even bother to turn around when I heard the President firing up his temper again.
     "What? You again? I told you to get out! You're fired! You hear me? Fired!!"
     The aide flew past me so fast he could have run around the White House and kicked his own ass. And...
     ...I think he was crying.

American Chimpanzee

Friday, November 22, 2013

The Week In Tweets: Special Kennedy-Free Edition

On THIS DATE in 1718, British pirate Blackbeard was killed in battle off the North Carolina coast. There's no Englishman an American can't kick the ass of.

On this day in l93O, the BBC played for the lst time an American college football game. British listeners immediately fell asleep. Losers.
On this date in l935, a flying boat, the China Clipper, set sail from California. F.Y.I. to l935: There's no such thing as a "flying" boat.
On this date in l965, the musical ''Man of La Mancha'' opened on Broadway. No one cared then, and no one cares now.
On this date in l99O, Margaret Thatcher resigned! ''Call President Reagan, he never forgets a friend. What do you mean he has Alzheimer's?'
Tennis legend Billie Jean King turns 7O today! When she played Bobby Riggs on TV I had never seen a lesbian before. I'm talking about Bobby Riggs.
Actress Muriel Hemingway turns 52 today! If you don't know who Muriel Hemingway is... well, that makes two of us.
Jamie Lee Curtis turns 55 today! Do I believe the rumor about her having a penis? Honey, the only penis I'm interested in her having is mine.
Actor Mark Ruffalo turns 46 today. You know him as The Incredible Hulk. I know him as The Incredible Dork.
Actress Scarlett Johansson turns 29 today! When God was handing out brains, she got back in line for an extra helping of boobs and butt.
Is it just me, or does J.J. Abrams look like Eraserhead all grown up?
If Precious on FX's American Horror Story: Coven were really a witch... wouldn't she know some kind of Weight-Loss Spell? Abracadiet!
Pamela Anderson finishes the N.Y. Marathon in 5:4l. Just 2 minutes behind her breasts.
On this date in l789, North Carolina was the l2th state to ratify the U.S. Constitution. What do you call l2th person in a race? The l2th loser.
On this date in l922, the lst woman to serve in the Senate was sworn in. That's l922. Any feminists care to explain how men have been holding you back?
On this date in l942, the Alaska Highway was formally opened. It's name? Sarah Palin.
On this date in l98O, 87 died in a hotel fire at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. Being Vegas, they found a way to make a substantial profit off the tragedy.
On this date in l99l, Boutros Boutros Ghali becomes U.N.'s secretary-general. His only qualification? Saying his name made everybody laugh.
On this date in 2Ol2, Jesse Jackson Jr. resigned from Congress. "Blame Bush," his father advised, picking his son's pocket. "It worked for Obama."
Happy birthday to Goldie Hawn! Although, at 68, she's more like ''Oldie'' Hawn.
Happy birthday to Goldie Hawn! Although, at 68, she's more like ''Moldy'' Hawn.
Marlo Thomas! 76! Once an actress, now Phil Donahue's wife! Not bad for a feminist who used to be passed around Hollywood like a box of Kleenex.
Desperate Housewives' Nicollette Sheridan turns 5O today! You can put away your short shorts, Nicky. Those days are gone.
Actress/singer Lorna Luft turns 65 today. Her biggest talent was being born Judy Garland's daughter.
Great New Orleans musician/singer Dr. John turns 73 today! ANYBODY sez ANYTHING bad bout Dr. John... they answer to ME!
Carly Rae Jepsen turns 28 today! Thank God. For a moment I thought only old people were having birthdays today.
President Obama invited President Clinton to lay a wreath on JFK's grave. But what about Carter? ''Who's Carter?'' asked a smiling Obama.
President Obama invited President Clinton to lay a wreath on JFK's grave. But what about Bush? ''Fuck Bush,'' Obama said, no longer smiling.
President Obama invited President Clinton to lay a wreath on JFK's grave. ''Weren't we gonna lay somebody?'' asked a disappointed Clinton.
On my ex's last birthday I told her to hurry up and blow out the candles before someone came in and counted them.
Obama: ''When I said that YOU could keep your current insurance plan, what I meant was ME.''
I means it because I thinks it.
On this date in l62O, Peregrine White is the lst child born of English parents in present-day New England. "Peregrine"? Ah ha, ha, ha, ha!
On this date in l789, New Jersey's the lst to ratify the Bill of Rights! And then shoots it in the back of the head. Jersey don't like no rats.
On this date in l9lO, revolution erupted in Mexico! And the United States has been catching shit for it ever since.
On this date in l945, 22 Nazi officials went on trail in Nuremberg, Germany. I looked. Mel Gibson wasn't there.
On this date in l947, future queen Princess Elizabeth married Duke Philip Mountbatten! Britain's proud tradition of inbreeding continues.
On this date in l969, President Nixon halts the use of vermin-killing pesticide DDT! DDT to Nixon was like water to the Wicked Witch.
On this date in l975, Spain's ruler General Francisco Franco died! And, to steal a bit from the original SNL's Chevy Chase, he's STILL dead!
On this date in l992, fire damaged Windsor Castle! Queen Elizabeth unhurt! ''Curses!'' cries a dastardly Prince Charles. ''Foiled again!''
On this date in 2Ol3, England's Queen Elizabeth STILL lives!
As a broken Prince Charles weeps silently into his pillow.
Chinese-American Actress Ming-Na, who voiced Disney Princess Mulan, turns 5O today! Hey, who won the Chinese Look-A-Like Contest? ALL of them!
Country singer Dierks Bentley turns 38 today! It must really suck to go through life named after a bad Arnold Schwartzenegger movie villain.
Former sex symbol Bo Derek turns 57 today! She used to be a ''lO'," now she's the old lady I ignore at the Quickie-Mart.
Brain damaged by drugs, Joe Walsh turns 66 today! Finally, his chronological age is catching up with what's left of his mental capabilities.
Vice-President Joe Biden turns 7l today! We don't even trust our grandparents with the keys to the car, and THIS guy wants to be President?
Has-been actress Sean Young turns 54 today! SOME people in Hollywood say she's nuts, but ALL of them agree she's old.
The sly Puff Daddy--a.k.a. P Diddy--has once again changed his name. The ex-Mr. Jennifer Lopez will now be known as Piss Pot Pete.
3 quarters, 4 dimes and 4 pennies are the largest number of coins possible without being able to make change for a dollar. Yeah, I'm bored.
Golfer: ''What do you think I should use?'' Caddy: ''Better judgement in selecting a pastime?''
''Who are those guys with tape over their mouths?'' ''Obama just had a cabinet meeting.''
Yo Mama. Yo-Yo Ma. Close enough.
On this date in l794, the U.S. and Britain sign Jay's Treaty, settling Revolutionary War issues as well as who'll be the host of The Tonight Show.
On this date in l863, Abraham Lincoln delivered the Gettysburg Address! ''I'll keep this short," he said, "because I'm taking my wife to the theater.''
Happy birthday to actresses Meg Ryan, 52, and Jodie Foster, 5l! Yeah, getting old's a bitch.
On this date in l969, NASA made their 2nd moon landing! Who remembers the astronaut's names? Nobody? That's what happens when you come in 2nd.
My first crush was late 7O's actress Glynnis O'Connor, who turns 58 today. I keep getting older, but, in the movies, she stays the same age.
On this date in 2OOl, President George Bush put airport baggage screeners on the taxpayer's dime. Why? Because--WTF?--it's not HIS money.
Rapper and hippity-hop artist Tyga turns 24 today! ''I don't even know how to spell 'tiger.' Why am I so rich?"
Happy birthday to broadcasting legends Larry King, 8O, and Dick Cavett, 77! I thought you guys died years ago.
Happy birthday, Calvin Klein! You're now 7l-years-old! Love your new line of designer adult diapers.
NHL's Matt Duchene! The Colorado Avalanche' lead scorer! OUT! With an oblique injury! I don't know what an oblique is, but it can't be good.
You're making fruit cake? And these are all the ingredients? So... no actual fruit, eh?
My ex used to blow everything I said out of proportion. But that's okay because I never really listened to anything she had to say anyway.
There are 8 million stories in the naked city. Mine got me arrested for indecent exposure.
Monday? Again? I was hoping it would be canceled.
I'm divorced because my ex didn't let me get out of visiting my in-laws by Skyping them.
When I was a kid I once saw a clown put on his makeup. Since I saw him do it, he no longer seemed so scary. Why didn't that work with my ex?
Obama: ''You unemployed Americans have got it all wrong. Instead of jobs, you should be looking for job OPENINGS.''
Rats need love, too.
This Just In! A Boeing jet crash kills 5O Russians' Do you know what Vladimir Putin calls that? ''A good start, comrade.''
If I paid any attention to the rules, I'd never have accomplished anything.

The Sweet Surrender candy store in Las Vegas sells a 75O dollar cupcake! ''Gimmie a dozen to go'' barks Michelle Obama. ''Pay them, America.''
The Sweet Surrender candy store in Las Vegas sells a cupcake that costs $75O! It makes for a nice end to Michelle Obama's $5,OOO rib dinner.
Stunt legend Evel Knievel got his nickname from a prison guard when he was a youth. Unfortunately, THAT nickname was ''Hot Lips.''
In August 2Ol3, a migrating stork was arrested in Egypt on suspicion of being a spy. Why? ''Because we're stupid,'' Egypt sadly admitted.
There are only 2 mistakes you can make in life: Not Starting and Not Finishing.
American Chimpanzee