Friday, November 8, 2013

The Week In I-Told-You-SoTweets

ON THIS DATE... in l96O John F Kennedy beat Richard Nixon for the presidency. Nixon conceded, grumbling: ''I need the presidency like I need a hole in my head.''

ABC News anchor Elizabeth Vargas! In alcohol rehab! And all this time I thought her late-night booty-calls were because she liked me.
ABC News anchor Elizabeth Vargas! In alcohol rehab! All this time I thought she was easy and it turns out she was just passed out.
ABC News anchor Elizabeth Vargas! In alcohol rehab! All this time I thought I was irresistible and it turns out she was just really, really drunk.
ABC News anchor Elizabeth Vargas! In alcohol rehab! Once we were doing it doggy-style, but, as it turned out, that's just how she passed out.
Lindsay Lohan! She's back on the booze and drugs! In a related story, my sex drought is finally coming to and end!
Drew Barrymore! Pregnant! With twins! Either that or she's just fat. I'm betting on the fat.
Malaysia canceled a Kesha show, citing its culture, religion, and lack of bad taste. The ghost haunting Kesha's vagina had no comment.
Britney Spears music was used by U.K. merchant ships to repel Somali pirates. Why didn't they play Justin Bieber's music? Because that would've been against the Geneva Convention.
The title of Barbara Eden's book about researching her family tree? I Dream Of Geneology.
Well, if it isn't Ben Affleck.
What's the difference between a Miley Cyrus video and a porno? A porno has better music.
That's Punny! When I divided my jack-o-lantern's circumference by its diameter I got... PUMPKIN PI.
On this day in l9l6, Republican Jeannette Ranklin of Montana was the first woman elected to Congress... and it's been downhill ever since.
I'd like to send a special shout-out to evangelist Billy Graham, who turns 95 today. What are you still hanging around HERE for, Billy?
Happy birthday to Lorde. The hot sultry rock star's finally l7, guys. But remember, she's only legal in SOME states.
Your moma is so poor, when she goes to a seafood restaurant it's just for that... to SEE food!
What's the difference between the ObamaCare website and a welfare recepient? There IS no difference. They both don't work.
On this date in l632, Sweden's King Gustavus Aldolphus was killed in battle. That's also when Sweden decided that it's safer to be the neutral country in a war.
It's Ethan Hawke's 43rd birthday! If you look the word ''over-rated'' up in a dictionary you'll find his picture.
Not really, you won't see a picture of Ethan Hawke if you look up ''over-rated'' in the dictionary, but if you look up ''crap'' you'll find his movies.
Happy birthday to Maria ''Sort Of A Kennedy'' Shriver. She's 58-years-old! Jeez, no wonder Arnold dumped her.
It makes me mad when people say my ex couldn't get any uglier. She's nowhere near her full potential.
Happy birthday today to actress and Oscar-winner Sally Field. She's 67-years-old and is now officially the oldest woman I've ever wanted to have sex with.
So... a run-off election is NOT for picking the politician you WISH would run off?
I'm not saying my ex is fat, but, when she goes to the zoo, the elephants feel thin.
I don't do Facebook. Yeah, I'm old.
I'm not going to say ''I told you so,'' I'm going to text it.
Pharmacies don't need to decorate for Halloween. To scare their customers all they need to do is post up the lethal side effect warnings of all their meds.
When choosing between two evils, I try the one I've never done before.
If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, try teaching it to dance.
Why, yes, I AM ''still working on that.'' You know what I'm NOT working on? Your tip.
Come back inside, off the ledge. I unfriended you on Facebook by mistake. Really. Don't jump and I'll re-friend you right away. Honest.
You can't win them all if you don't win the first.
I'm not saying my town is small, but the main drag is Bob the cross-dresser.
American Chimpanzee

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