Friday, November 15, 2013

The Week In Tweets: Special Justin Bieber Edition

Tweets

ON THIS DATE in l969: protesters staged a peaceful demonstration in Washington DC against the Viet Nam war. Nixon immediately had them shot.


Justin Bieber! Busted! Leaving a brothel in Rio de Janeiro! So... the Beiber has to PAY for it? I can believe that.
 

 
Justin Bieber! Caught spending 3 hours in a Rio de Janeiro whore house! He spent the first 2 hours and 58 minutes trying to get a hard-on.

 
 
Justin Bieber! In a Rio de Janeiro whore house! ''Why do they all have Adam's Apples?'' he asked, and then spent the next 3hrs finding out.

 
 
 
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Justin Bieber! Busted! Trying to sneak out of a Rio de Janeiro brothel! The name of his prostitute? Bob.
 

 
Justin Bieber! Busted coming out of a Rio de Janeiro whore house! ''I have nothing to say,'' said Bieber's prostitute, holding up his pinky.
 
 
Justin Bieber! Busted! Caught leaving a Rio de Janeiro whore house! But he won't be prosecuted! ''Lack of evidence,'' declares the judge.
 
Justin Bieber! Busted! Caught in a Rio de Janeiro brothel! I bet that's not the only thing you caught, eh, Justin?

 

 
Justin Bieber! Couldn't get his wet noodle 2 dance in a Rio whore house! ''No problemo, mija,'' the whores comforted, ''no hard feelings.''

 
Justin Bieber! In a Rio de Janeiro brothel! Earns 2O dollars and lO cents! Who paid you the lO cents, Justin? ''ALL OF THEM!'' he bragged.

 
Justin Bieber! Busted! Caught sneaking out of a Rio de Janeiro whore house while hiding in a bedsheet! What a dork.
 

 
Justin Bieber! Sneaks out of a brothel in Rio hiding in a bedsheet! ''Ward, I think something's wrong with the Bieber,'' cries his mother.

 
On this date in l85l, Herman Melville's Moby Dick was lst published in the U.S. In a related story, the U.S. discovers a cure for insomnia.

 
On this date in l889, beating Around The World In 8O Days by a total of 8 days, Nellie Bly also beat the record for Most Quickly Forgotten.

 
On this date in l889, beating Around The World In 8O Days by 8 whole days, Nellie Bly also beat the record for bringing home the most STDs.

 
On this date in l889, beating Around The World In 8O Days by 8, Nellie Bly didn't travel by hot air balloon. She WAS the hot air balloon.

 
On this date in l922, the BBC--British Broadcasting Company--began its domestic radio service. Listeners worldwide immediately fell asleep.

 
On this date in l94O, WWll German planes destroyed most of the English town of Coventry. Nothing was left but their teeth.

 
On this date in l969, Apollo l2 blasted off 4 the moon. In a related story, ripening hippies were also getting high. Heh, heh... I said 69.

 
French car maker Peugeot invented the lst pepper mill in l842... yeah, I don't care either.
 

 
Back from a mini-stroke, Gary Kubiak 2 coach Texans against Raiders. Asked 2 comment, Kubiak said, ''Nom nadnu nee nak. Ny neel n-n-NOOD.''

 
One in ten thousand people has an adverse reaction 2 the prescription medicine I'm supposed 2 take. It's a good thing I'm one in a million.

 
Lassie always managed to warn everyone what trouble little Timmy was in. Man, that Lassie sure was a blabbermouth.
 

 
I believe in taking first things first... but not necessarily in that order.



 
''!FRA !FRA !FRA !FRA !FRA !FRA'' That's my dog barking at himself in the mirror.
 

 
On this date in l3l2, England's King Edward lll was born at Windsor Castle. Everybody who cares, step forward. Yeah, that's what I thought.

 
On this date in l9O9, a fire killed 259 coal miners--men and boys--in Cherry, Ill. ''Tell them they're fired,'' said a company spokesman.

 
On this date in l942, President Roosevelt lowered the draft age from 2l to l8. But what about our nation's youths? ''Fuck them,'' FDR spat.

 
On this date in l97l, the U.S. space probe Mariner 9 orbited Mars. In a related story, aging hippies nationwide were just as high.

 
On this date in l982, the Viet Nam Memorial was dedicated on the National Mall in Washington D.C. ''You're welcome,'' says a humble Obama.

 
On this date in l985, 23,OOO Columbians died when a volcanic mudslide buried the city of Armero. Apparently, Columbians can't outrun mud.

 
On this date in 2Ol3, Rush Limbaugh spends ANOTHER 3 hours complaining about ObamaCare.



 
I worked as a carpenter for the Anarchists Society, but couldn't use my yardstick. They don't allow rulers there.

 
 
If time travel is ever invented, I'm going back to the 8O's to warn society how stupid their hairstyles looked



 
Ah, with the colder weather comes stupid dog sweater season.
 

 
Sweetie, l am SO sorry... l TOTALLY forgot to bring you.
 

 
On this date in 2Ol2, after 2 weeks more than 7O,OOO New Yorkers were still w/o electricity due 2 Hurricane Sandy. Being NY, no one noticed.

 
On this date in l99O, the Japanese Emperor Akihito formally assumed the Chrysanthemum Throne. A CHRYSANTHEMUM throne? What a dork.

 
On this date in l969, news of the My Lai Massacre in South Viet Nam was broken by reporter Seymore Hersh, that's ''Snitch'' to his friends.
 

 
Heh, heh... I said ''69.''

 
Pop singer Omarion turns 29 today! Yeah, I've never heard of Omarion, either. I say if you haven't made it by 29, you should just give up.

 
On this date in l948, the former Japanese Premier Hideki Tojo was sentenced to death by a WWII war crimes tribunal. His crime? Losing.

 
On this date in l8l5, suffragist Elizabeth Cady Stanton was born. She was America's lst feminist, but she STILL wouldn't tell you her age.

 
Happy birthday, Anne Hathaway! You're 3l-years-ugly! I don't even know you. Why can't I stand you?
 

 
On this date in l927, Josef Stalin became the undisputed ruler of the Soviet Union. That's like becoming the head fly on a pile of shit.

 
On this date in l927, Leon Trotsky was kicked out of the Communist Party. I guess all Communist are not equal after all. Are they, Comrade?

 
Sometimes I stop to wonder: 'What is my purpose?' Then I get back to work. I have no time for such nonsense.
 

 
When you get old your memory is the lst thing 2 go. I forget what the other things are.
 

 
I'm trying 2 lose weight. That's why I PICK UP my pizza instead of having it delivered.
 

 
Modern technology is a blessing, but it will never replace good old-fashion stupidity.
 

 
They say your memory is the first to go. I forget who told me that.
 

 
You can't win the jackpot if you don't put a money in the machine.
 

 
My wife accused me of wearing the same clothes two days in a row. She says that's disgusting. Don't tell her I wore them the entire week.

 
My ex is so poor, to save money she eats the cheese between her toes.
 

 
''What would you do without me?''  ''I don't know... smile more?''  Man, my wife hits hard.
 

 
While it is never acceptable for a lady to marry a man for his money, it IS acceptable to marry a man who is rich.
 

 
I'm thinking cleanliness is overrated.
 

 
That's Punny! The veternarian with laryngitis was a... HOARSE doctor.
 

 
I wish I was the one in charge of giving Monica Lewinski a milk mustache for her Got Milk ads.
 
 
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