On THIS DATE in 1718, British pirate Blackbeard was killed in battle off the North Carolina coast. There's no Englishman an American can't kick the ass of.
On this day in l93O, the BBC played for the lst time an American college football game. British listeners immediately fell asleep. Losers.
On this date in l935, a flying boat, the China Clipper, set sail from California. F.Y.I. to l935: There's no such thing as a "flying" boat.
On this date in l965, the musical ''Man of La Mancha'' opened on Broadway. No one cared then, and no one cares now.
On this date in l99O, Margaret Thatcher resigned! ''Call President Reagan, he never forgets a friend. What do you mean he has Alzheimer's?'
Tennis legend Billie Jean King turns 7O today! When she played Bobby Riggs on TV I had never seen a lesbian before. I'm talking about Bobby Riggs.
Actress Muriel Hemingway turns 52 today! If you don't know who Muriel Hemingway is... well, that makes two of us.
Jamie Lee Curtis turns 55 today! Do I believe the rumor about her having a penis? Honey, the only penis I'm interested in her having is mine.
Actor Mark Ruffalo turns 46 today. You know him as The Incredible Hulk. I know him as The Incredible Dork.
Actress Scarlett Johansson turns 29 today! When God was handing out brains, she got back in line for an extra helping of boobs and butt.
Is it just me, or does J.J. Abrams look like Eraserhead all grown up?
If Precious on FX's American Horror Story: Coven were really a witch... wouldn't she know some kind of Weight-Loss Spell? Abracadiet!
Pamela Anderson finishes the N.Y. Marathon in 5:4l. Just 2 minutes behind her breasts.
On this date in l789, North Carolina was the l2th state to ratify the U.S. Constitution. What do you call l2th person in a race? The l2th loser.
On this date in l922, the lst woman to serve in the Senate was sworn in. That's l922. Any feminists care to explain how men have been holding you back?
On this date in l942, the Alaska Highway was formally opened. It's name? Sarah Palin.
On this date in l98O, 87 died in a hotel fire at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. Being Vegas, they found a way to make a substantial profit off the tragedy.
On this date in l99l, Boutros Boutros Ghali becomes U.N.'s secretary-general. His only qualification? Saying his name made everybody laugh.
On this date in 2Ol2, Jesse Jackson Jr. resigned from Congress. "Blame Bush," his father advised, picking his son's pocket. "It worked for Obama."
Happy birthday to Goldie Hawn! Although, at 68, she's more like ''Oldie'' Hawn.
Happy birthday to Goldie Hawn! Although, at 68, she's more like ''Moldy'' Hawn.
Marlo Thomas! 76! Once an actress, now Phil Donahue's wife! Not bad for a feminist who used to be passed around Hollywood like a box of Kleenex.
Desperate Housewives' Nicollette Sheridan turns 5O today! You can put away your short shorts, Nicky. Those days are gone.
Actress/singer Lorna Luft turns 65 today. Her biggest talent was being born Judy Garland's daughter.
Great New Orleans musician/singer Dr. John turns 73 today! ANYBODY sez ANYTHING bad bout Dr. John... they answer to ME!
Carly Rae Jepsen turns 28 today! Thank God. For a moment I thought only old people were having birthdays today.
President Obama invited President Clinton to lay a wreath on JFK's grave. But what about Carter? ''Who's Carter?'' asked a smiling Obama.
President Obama invited President Clinton to lay a wreath on JFK's grave. But what about Bush? ''Fuck Bush,'' Obama said, no longer smiling.
President Obama invited President Clinton to lay a wreath on JFK's grave. ''Weren't we gonna lay somebody?'' asked a disappointed Clinton.
On my ex's last birthday I told her to hurry up and blow out the candles before someone came in and counted them.
Obama: ''When I said that YOU could keep your current insurance plan, what I meant was ME.''
I means it because I thinks it.
On this date in l62O, Peregrine White is the lst child born of English parents in present-day New England. "Peregrine"? Ah ha, ha, ha, ha!
On this date in l789, New Jersey's the lst to ratify the Bill of Rights! And then shoots it in the back of the head. Jersey don't like no rats.
On this date in l9lO, revolution erupted in Mexico! And the United States has been catching shit for it ever since.
On this date in l945, 22 Nazi officials went on trail in Nuremberg, Germany. I looked. Mel Gibson wasn't there.
On this date in l947, future queen Princess Elizabeth married Duke Philip Mountbatten! Britain's proud tradition of inbreeding continues.
On this date in l969, President Nixon halts the use of vermin-killing pesticide DDT! DDT to Nixon was like water to the Wicked Witch.
On this date in l975, Spain's ruler General Francisco Franco died! And, to steal a bit from the original SNL's Chevy Chase, he's STILL dead!
On this date in l992, fire damaged Windsor Castle! Queen Elizabeth unhurt! ''Curses!'' cries a dastardly Prince Charles. ''Foiled again!''
On this date in 2Ol3, England's Queen Elizabeth STILL lives!
As a broken Prince Charles weeps silently into his pillow.
Chinese-American Actress Ming-Na, who voiced Disney Princess Mulan, turns 5O today! Hey, who won the Chinese Look-A-Like Contest? ALL of them!
Country singer Dierks Bentley turns 38 today! It must really suck to go through life named after a bad Arnold Schwartzenegger movie villain.
Former sex symbol Bo Derek turns 57 today! She used to be a ''lO'," now she's the old lady I ignore at the Quickie-Mart.
Brain damaged by drugs, Joe Walsh turns 66 today! Finally, his chronological age is catching up with what's left of his mental capabilities.
Vice-President Joe Biden turns 7l today! We don't even trust our grandparents with the keys to the car, and THIS guy wants to be President?
Has-been actress Sean Young turns 54 today! SOME people in Hollywood say she's nuts, but ALL of them agree she's old.
The sly Puff Daddy--a.k.a. P Diddy--has once again changed his name. The ex-Mr. Jennifer Lopez will now be known as Piss Pot Pete.
3 quarters, 4 dimes and 4 pennies are the largest number of coins possible without being able to make change for a dollar. Yeah, I'm bored.
Golfer: ''What do you think I should use?'' Caddy: ''Better judgement in selecting a pastime?''
''Who are those guys with tape over their mouths?'' ''Obama just had a cabinet meeting.''
Yo Mama. Yo-Yo Ma. Close enough.
On this date in l794, the U.S. and Britain sign Jay's Treaty, settling Revolutionary War issues as well as who'll be the host of The Tonight Show.
On this date in l863, Abraham Lincoln delivered the Gettysburg Address! ''I'll keep this short," he said, "because I'm taking my wife to the theater.''
Happy birthday to actresses Meg Ryan, 52, and Jodie Foster, 5l! Yeah, getting old's a bitch.
On this date in l969, NASA made their 2nd moon landing! Who remembers the astronaut's names? Nobody? That's what happens when you come in 2nd.
My first crush was late 7O's actress Glynnis O'Connor, who turns 58 today. I keep getting older, but, in the movies, she stays the same age.
On this date in 2OOl, President George Bush put airport baggage screeners on the taxpayer's dime. Why? Because--WTF?--it's not HIS money.
Rapper and hippity-hop artist Tyga turns 24 today! ''I don't even know how to spell 'tiger.' Why am I so rich?"
Happy birthday to broadcasting legends Larry King, 8O, and Dick Cavett, 77! I thought you guys died years ago.
Happy birthday, Calvin Klein! You're now 7l-years-old! Love your new line of designer adult diapers.
NHL's Matt Duchene! The Colorado Avalanche' lead scorer! OUT! With an oblique injury! I don't know what an oblique is, but it can't be good.
You're making fruit cake? And these are all the ingredients? So... no actual fruit, eh?
My ex used to blow everything I said out of proportion. But that's okay because I never really listened to anything she had to say anyway.
There are 8 million stories in the naked city. Mine got me arrested for indecent exposure.
Monday? Again? I was hoping it would be canceled.
I'm divorced because my ex didn't let me get out of visiting my in-laws by Skyping them.
When I was a kid I once saw a clown put on his makeup. Since I saw him do it, he no longer seemed so scary. Why didn't that work with my ex?
Obama: ''You unemployed Americans have got it all wrong. Instead of jobs, you should be looking for job OPENINGS.''
Rats need love, too.
This Just In! A Boeing jet crash kills 5O Russians' Do you know what Vladimir Putin calls that? ''A good start, comrade.''
If I paid any attention to the rules, I'd never have accomplished anything.
The Sweet Surrender candy store in Las Vegas sells a 75O dollar cupcake! ''Gimmie a dozen to go'' barks Michelle Obama. ''Pay them, America.''
The Sweet Surrender candy store in Las Vegas sells a cupcake that costs $75O! It makes for a nice end to Michelle Obama's $5,OOO rib dinner.
Stunt legend Evel Knievel got his nickname from a prison guard when he was a youth. Unfortunately, THAT nickname was ''Hot Lips.''
In August 2Ol3, a migrating stork was arrested in Egypt on suspicion of being a spy. Why? ''Because we're stupid,'' Egypt sadly admitted.
There are only 2 mistakes you can make in life: Not Starting and Not Finishing.