Friday, November 29, 2013

The Week In Tweets: The Not-So-Special Thanksgiving Edition


The Day After Thanksgiving: After a good meal, you can forgive anything... even family.
My ex told me she'd die for me. I asked her, ''How soon?''
The only thing our government's good at is taking our money.
I can't remember what it was I lost, but I bet it was something I really need.
For me, it's football season. For my dog, it's Thank God My Owner's A Sloppy Snacker season.
I saw a doctor's advertisement for non-surgical weight-loss treatments. Isn't that just a more expensive way of saying diet and exercise?
The President no longer calls his Affordable Care Act: ObamaCare. You know it's bad when even Obama tries to distance himself from ObamaCare.
Obama: ''You see, I HAD to lie to get Republicans to vote FOR ObamaCare. So, if anybody's to blame for my lying... it's the Republicans.''
I'm not saying my ex is fat, but in The Battle of The Bulge, her rear flank is well supported.
My ex fell down a well. She must be ok, because she quit yelling for help 2 days ago.
Satan: 'Just sign here, and that means I will keep this promise to you: if you like your soul, you will be able to keep your soul. Period.'
I'm not saying my ex is cheap, but the only High-Definition she owns is the dictionary on her top shelf.
I didn't have any marital problems that getting divorced didn't cure.
Are they called 'waiters' because they're so good at making us wait for our food?
Every time I developed an immunity to my ex's cooking it mutated into a new strain.
My financial problems have less to do with the weak dollar and more to do with the week's dollars.
I've found that when couples argue, one of them is usually right, and the other one usually stops giving him sex.
Authorities continue to search for the disappearing Hollywood celebrities who were blissfully endorsing ObamaCare just a few short weeks ago.
''Sweetie, I forgot my password again. What plague did I compare your mother to?''
I don't let my dog chase the mailman, so he uses unmanned drones.
It was my parent's job to teach me right from wrong. I'm simply a result of their poor parenting skills. 
My house just sold for less than what I paid for it, but for more than it would have last year. In real estate logic, my loss is now a profit.
In life, it's not what you GET that counts, it's what you get to KEEP.
On this date in l789, President George Washington declared a day of thanksgiving! ''I give thanks, oh Lord, for so many hot female slaves.''
On this date in l825, the lst college fraternity was formed! This was the lst part of a grand plan to invent sex, drugs, and rock and roll.
On this date in l94l, six Japanese aircraft carriers started toward Pearl Harbor in a grand plan to eventually get their asses kicked by the U.S.
On this date in l942, ''Casablanca'' had its world premiere at the Hollywood Theater in New York, and NOT the New York Theater in Hollywood.
On this date in l95O, China entered the Korean War! North Koreans, well-fed on a diet of tree bark and grass soup, will be forever grateful.
On this date in l973, Nixon's secretary took blame for an l8 l/2 minute gap in a key Watergate tape. Sadly, Ms. Woods' OWN gap was l8 l/2.
Happy birthday to Tina Turner! She's just as sexy at 74 as she was at 24! That's not really a compliment.
Impressionist Rich Little turns 75 today! When Johnny Carson died, so did Rich Little's career.

President Truman: ''The buck stops here!'' President Obama: ''Where's the beef?''
A turkey farmer in Henniker, New Hampshire gives his turkeys BEER to drink! All I can say to that is, ''Gobble gobble, Mr. Turkey Farmer.''
Stevie Nicks guests on American Horror Story: Coven. She plays a kook who sleeps with her best friend's husband. Wait, that was Fleetwood Mac.
You're only young once, but with some there's no age-limit on childish behavior.
My ex once gave me a gift that was so nice I almost didn't throw it away.
On this date in l783, Britain fled their last military position in the U.S. during the Revolutionary War. In other words we KICKED THEIR ASS!
On this date in l957, President Eisenhower suffered a stroke. It didn't interfere with his duties, which mainly consisted of doing nothing.
On this date in l963, JFK was laid to rest. To this day, his family has honored his memory by shamelessly leeching off the Kennedy name.
On this date in l973, Greek President Papadopoulos was ousted in a bloodless coup. 'We had to. No one could say his name without laughing.'
On this date in 2OO2, President Bush created the Deptartment of Homeland Security, because the terrorists ''aren't done fucking with us yet.''
The Bush Twins, Jenna and Barbara, both turn 32 today! I'd say more, but I've been advised by my attorney not to.
Dancing With The Stars judge Bruno Tonioli turns 58 today! How gay is he? He's the Himalayan of ''him a laying.''
Author, actor and economist Ben Stein is 69! There's nothing funny about Ben Stein, I just like saying ''69.''
''Halt! Friend or foe!'' ''Are you armed?'' ''Yes!'' ''Then I'm your friend.''
The only thing our government's good at is screwing up.
My ex is one of a kind. At least that's my hope.
Happy Birthday, Miley Cyrus! You're finally 2l-years-old! What? You say I'm late? Well, so's your period.
Whenever I try to start collecting the fruits of my labor, I slip on a banana peel. 
Do you think my blood might need more chocolate in it?
American Chimpanzee

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