Monday, November 11, 2013

The Real Housewives of El Paso City Council

El Paso City Representative Cortney Niland has asked Mayor Oscar Leeser to change the seating arrangement in council chambers.
     "Over the last several months," she wrote in an October 29th email to the Mayor I was able to get through the Freedom of Busybodying Act, "I have been subjected to a hostile environment regarding bullying comments and unwanted touching and grabbing by Representative (Lily) Limon. Plus, she's a stupidhead."
     When asked for a response to the allegations, Representative Limon replied, "I'm not a stupidhead, she's a stupidhead.
     Well, I couldn't believe that this could be going on in our city, so I decided to do my own investigative reporting. The way it looked to me was that these two female city reps were acting like a couple of clowns, and I hate clowns.
     They think they're so funny.
     I decided to set up a secret camera inside the office of Mayor Leeser when I found out he was hosting the two women in an impromptu peace negotiation of some kind. When I reviewed the video I--ahem--discovered that I had mistakenly installed my camera in the ladies' shower room of City Hall.
     After reviewing the shower video several more times, I decided I should review it once more, and then set my camera up in the correct office. After the Mayor's super-secret meeting with the two feisty females, I removed all the incriminating equipment and reviewed my new video. Trust me, it wasn't a pretty sight. All that fighting and squabbling and hair pulling and soaping of each other's glistening wet naked bodies...
     Oh, wait... that was the shower video again.
     The video from Mayor Leeser's office could be summed up like this: What it lacked in gratuitous sex, it more than made up for it with gratuitous violence.
     When Mayor Leeser welcomed the two potentially pugilistic politicians to his office, Ms. Limon immediately told him, "If you've got something to say, Your Honor, this would be the perfect time to keep it to yourself."
     Ms. Niland roughly pushed her way past the both of them.
     "Mr. Mayor, you'd better strap yourself in," she said, "it's going to be a bumpy ride."
     "Ladies, ladies... please," the Mayor implored. "Why don't we all just have a seat. I'm sure we can work things out."
     He got no response from either of them.
     "I have Twinkies," he said, hopefully.
     They both quickly sat down, elbowing each other for what they thought was the best chair. Each getting one cheek on, and then having that one cheek pushed off. It was like watching a game of Musical Chairs between two of my aunts. When Ms. Niland finally claimed victory, Ms. Limon sat in the chair next to her. Both chairs creaked underneath the weight of city politics.
     "Sounds like Representative Niland's already had her share of Twinkies," Ms. Limon said cattily.
     "Oh, honey," Ms. Niland answered, her voice dripping with venom, "with you, denial is not just a river in Egypt."
     "Oh, sweetie," Ms. Limon countered, "that one's as old as, well, you."
     They both jumped up, fists raised.
     "Ladies, ladies... please," the Mayor said, sitting himself between them. "Wine?"
     Both ladies settled down.
     "Thank you, Mr. Mayor," Ms. Niland said, and gave him a sweet smile. "I'll have a dash."
     Seeing Niland's smile, Ms. Limon said, "Make mine a double," and poked a finger in her mouth in the international sign of Gag Me With A Spoon.
     "Oh, dearie, you have something on your face," Ms. Niland told Ms. Limon, giving her a sweet smile.
     "What?"
     "My fist!"
     POW! Niland punched Limon hard, and knocked her back in her chair, but she didn't fall over. Niland flipped the table over in one great heave, and jumped up, ready to give Limon more of her fist of death. Mayor Leeser quickly caught her wrist.
     Limon took advantage of the few seconds the Mayor unintentionally gave her, and poked the fore- and middle-fingers of her right hand into Niland's eyes.
     Niland's hands came to protect her eyes, which gave Limon the opportunity to punch her in the stomach. Niland's hands quickly went down to her stomach, and Limon poked her in the eyes again. As Niland's hands went back up, Limon punched her in the stomach. Eyes. Stomach. Eyes. Stomach. Punch, punch, punch.
     Mayor Leeser grabbed both of Limon's hands, and she struggled trying to get loose. No longer needing to protect her eyes or stomach, Niland picked up a saw that happened to be within reach, and dragged the blade over Limon's head.
     "Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!Woo! Woo!" Niland said.
     "Aiee! Aiee! Aiee! Aiee! Aiee! Aiee!" Limon said.
     When she was done, Niland looked at the sharp edge of the saw. It was no longer sharp. Most of the metal teeth had broken of, and the one's that were left were bent, some to the left and some to the right.
     Mayor Leeser snatched the saw out  of Niland's hand, which gave Limon the opportunity to snatch the saw out of Leeser's hand. She held it pointing upward, flat side forward. She grabbed the tip, and pulled it back toward her. As Niland took a step forward, Limon let the blade go, and it smacked Niland hard in the face, making a musical BOING! sound.
     "Ladies, ladies... please!" Leeser pleaded, and then, looking down, he told Limon, "Hey, your shoe's untied."
     Limon looked down, and--POW!--he hit her on the top of her head with a closed fist in a windmill-like motion.
     Niland was just starting to get her wits back about her, when the Mayor pointed at the middle of her chest, and asked, "Hey, what's this?"
    Niland looked down, expecting to see a spot on her shirt, but instead all she saw was the curled forefinger of Leeser's right hand come up quickly, catching the bottom of her nose, and throwing her head backward.
     Limon and Niland were standing next to each other unsteadily on their feet. Leeser grabbed the two of them on either side of their heads, and smacked their two noggins together. They both went down faster than my ex-wife on a first date..
     It was around this time I turned the video off.
     I was disgusted.
     What an embarrassment for our fine city of El Paso. What a stain on the professionalism of our City Council. What a wart on the backside of our local politicians.
     Is it too much to ask that they not commit acts so sordid that they can't help but debase themselves while committing them? Is it too much to ask that they not look hungrily into your eyes while performing acts so humiliating they can't help but humiliate themselves while humiliatingly performing them? All that hitting and kicking and scratching and slapping. Shoving and pulling and grabbing and touching. Rubbing and hugging and kissing and... and...
     Is it hot in here, or is it just me?
     Hmm, now what did I do with that shower video?
    

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