Sunday, May 26, 2019

Email To My Brother: Rescued

Our father told me he was happy to hear that the girl got rescued.
   “What girl, pop?” I asked him.
   He was talking about that poor girl who went on a hike in Hawaii and was lost for two weeks.
  “That’s my biggest fear about your brother when he goes on one of his hikes,” he told me.
  “That he’ll get lost?”
  “That he’ll get rescued.”

American Chimpanzee

The Week In Tweets: Special Racist Edition!

Fake News Reports!
New Mexico Democrats Call President Trump's New Immigration Plan "Reckless"!
That's interesting, because New Mexico REPUBLICANS are calling President Trump's new immigration plan "The best thing since Post Toasties!"
An NMSU Researcher Will Evaluate A Model Meant To Help Babies And Parents Sleep Better!
In my case, it's called alcohol.
NMSU Ranks In The Top 25 For Enrolling And Graduating Woman In Computer Science.
And, if you think I'm gonna make fun of THAT, you're suffering from Trump Derangement Syndrome.
El Paso Celebrates It's 146th Birthday With A Party Downtown!
El Paso, you don't look a day over 145.
And neither does my ex-wife.
University Of New Mexico Baseball Ends Their Disappointing 2019 Season On A High Note!
"Thank God for medical marijuana," the Lobos coach said. "Uh... don't quote me on that."
Has-Been Who's The Boss Child Star Alyssa Milano Calls For Women To Go On A Sex Strike To Protest Strict Abortion Laws As The World Yawns In Response!
Too late, Alyssa... I'm ALREADY married.
Albuquerque's 2018 Tax Increase Expected To Bilk An Additional FIFTY-EIGHT MILLION DOLLARS From Tax-Payers!
Mayor says it's not enough.
Hey, Mayor... why don't you try cutting spending instead?
"How 'bout them Isotopes?" the Mayor responds.
The Las Cruces City Council Met This Past Monday To Go Over Next Year's Spending Plan!
"What do we spend it on?"
"Who cares? It's not OUR money."
Washington Becomes First State To Allow Dead People To Choose To Become Compost Rather Than Being Buried Or Cremated!
Silly Washington.
Dead people can't choose.
Republican Justin Amash Tweets That Attorney General Barr Has "Deliberately Misrepresented Mueller's Report" and President Trump Has "Engaged In Impeachable Conduct."
Can you give us an example, Congressman Amash?
"No, I can't."
Presidential Hopeful Beto O'Rourke Talks About President Trump, Impeachment, And The Opioid Crisis At His CNN Town Hall!
Go back to talking about your ear hair, Beto.
Nancy Pelosi: "President Trump Is Engaged In A Cover-Up!"
Can we have some cold, hard facts, Madam Speaker?
"You know, he's covering up for that thing he did over there in that place where those things were happening with some guy who did something for reasons we're still trying to find out."
Lori Lightfoot Makes History By Becoming Chicago's First Black, Female, And Openly Gay Mayor!
Good job, America.
This doesn't happen in racist, sexist, homophobic countries, you know.
Beto O'Rourke, In A CNN Town Hall, Declares: "We Should Begin Impeachment Proceedings Against President Trump."!
Hey, weren't you once arrested for Armed Robbery and your rich daddy got you off?
"What does THAT have to do with anything?"
Housing Secretary And Republican Ben Carson Misunderstands REOs For OREOs From Mumble-Mouthed Congresswoman And Democrat Katie Porter And The News Media Goes NUTS!
Is it just me, or do the negative comments and reportage about OREO cookies seem racist?
American Chimpanzee

Friday, May 17, 2019

The Week In Tweets: Special Local News Edition!

Fake News Reports!
Albuquerque Residents Donate Over 184,000 Pounds Of Food To Roadrunner Food Bank!
Who knew roadrunners ate so much?
I-25 To Get Wrong-Way Detection System!
Sorry, I-25, but I already have one...
My wife.
The TSA Is Evaluating 60,000 Employees To Determine Which Of Them Would Be The Most Helpful Along The Border!
If anyone can slow to a halt the avalanche of migrant caravaners surging into the U.S., it's the TSA.
Lord knows, that's what they do at airports.
A Flood Of Cuban Migrants On Their Way To El Paso Is Creating A Headache For Juarez Officials!
"A headache?" one of the Cubans exclaimed. "You don't know what a headache is until you've tried to row a boat across the Mexican desert."
Don't have plans for Memorial Day?
Now you do!
Five fun things to do in Las Cruces for the holiday:
1) Mow my lawn.
2) Wash my car.
3) Paint my house.
4) Buy me beer.
5) Quit complaining and just let me enjoy my Memorial Day.
In A Secret Overnight Operation, Las Cruces Police Discovered A LOT Of Unlocked Doors Around The City!
In an unrelated story, while the police were busy checking doorknobs, the local crime rate shot THROUGH THE ROOF.
The Border Patrol Releases FIVE THOUSAND Migrant Caravaners Into Las Cruces!
"Anywhere but MY neighborhood," Nancy Pelosi smirks, cackling her hideous cackle.
The 2019 Las Cruces UkeFest Has Brought To The City Ukulele Players From All Across The United States!
...but, sadly, not one groupie.
Migrant Shelters In El Paso And Las Cruces Are Over-Crowded And A New Tent Facility Opened By The Border Patrol Just Last Week Is Already Past Its Capacity!
But don't worry, America, there is no crisis.
Here's What We Know About President Trump's New Immigration Proposal:
Aw, who am I kidding?
If you're a Republican you're for it, and, if you're a Democrat, you're against it.
Beto O'Rourke Tries To Reboot His Presidential Campaign By Live-Streaming His Haircut And An Ear Hair Trim, All To Prove He's A Man Of The People!
"I've never seen the guy before in my life," admits the barber.
In El Paso, Adair Margo, The City's First Lady, Led A Walking Tour Into Juarez, Mexico!
Don't worry.
I'm sure they'll find her body.
Albuquerque's Problem Response Teams Are Getting... Bicycles!
Because nothing commands respect like a cop wearing short shorts doing wheelies on a bike.
Police In El Paso Arrest Suspects In A 7-Eleven Robbery, Catching Them After Their Car Ran Out Of Gas!
I mean--c'mon, man--the gas pumps were RIGHT THERE.
A Las Cruces Migrant Shelter Has Received A Surprise Donation Of 30,000 Meals!
Was that generous donation from one of your favorite politicians?
Don't make me laugh.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
A 12-Year-Old Has Been Charged With A DWI By The Police For Taking Friends On A Joy Ride On U.S. Highway 54/70!
...and IMMEDIATELY becomes the Democratic front runner for president.
American Chimpanzee

Wednesday, May 15, 2019

The Week In Tweets: Special I-Want-Some Edition!

In school, it's not that I wasn't interested.
It's that my teachers weren't all that interesting.
Success 101:
The secret to succeeding more?
Failing less!
I know I say I don't like saying "I told you so," but, the truth is...
I LOVE saying "I told you so!"
Why was Nancy Pelosi Reading "Mein Kampf" during President Trump's State of the Union address?
The Bible says "The truth shall set you free," but all the truth's ever done for me is gotten me in trouble.
Fake News Reports!
Beto O'Rourke Raises A Record 6.1 Million Dollars in 24 hours!
"And THAT was just from my billionaire father-in-law," he gesticulates.
Fake News Reports!
Democrats, Led By Nancy Pelosi, Are Pushing For The Voting Age To Be Lowered To 16!
Whatever these idiots are on...
Fake News Reports!
After The Recent Mass Shooting, The Citizens Of New Zealand Are Willingly Turning In Their Guns To The Government, Honoring A Request From Their Prime Minister!
...and were immediately invaded by Armed Kangaroo Commandos from Australia.
Why are soldiers always tired on April 1st?
Because they've just got done with a 31-day March
 American Chimpanzee

Sunday, March 24, 2019

Off To See The Wizard

The Wizard of Oz is one of my favorite movies, but, I’ll admit, when I was a kid still in single digits, the grumpy apple trees and flying monkeys used to really creep me out.
     What actually out-and-out scared me was the scene where Dorothy was trapped in the Wicked Witch’s castle, crying to the image of her Auntie Em in the crystal ball, and then the image of her aunt changes into the Wicked Witch! Who looks directly into the camera and cackles her hideous cackle.
     It felt like she was looking right at me.
   They were having a special showing of The Wizard of Oz at the Cinemark movie theater on the 27th, 29th, and 30th of this past January. It was sponsored by Fathom Events and Turner Classic Movies (TCM). A funny thing that happened when I took my 4-year-old granddaughter to the matinee showing of it on Sunday the 27th. We got there early, bought our tickets, and stood in line to get our snacks. There was a single showing of Oz over the course of three days. This one was at one pm, and the Wreck It Ralph sequel was showing before and after it. We paid for our snacks and entered the theater.
     Can you believe it?
     There were TWO people sitting in our seats!
     A lady and her teenage daughter.
   “Excuse me, ma’am,” I told her, “but you’re in our seats.”
   “The movie’s not over,” the mother told me.
   “What?” I said.
   “The movie isn’t over yet,” the daughter repeated.
   I looked at the screen.
   Sure enough, there was Ralph.
   “I’m such a dork,” I told them, and my granddaughter and I sat in the empty seats behind them.
   When they left, my granddaughter and I moved to where they had been sitting.
   “My seat is warm,” my granddaughter told me.
   “Mine, too,” I answered, still feeling like a dork.
   Interestingly enough, for the showing of The Wizard of Oz we were at, there were mostly adults in the audience. Very few kids. A group of ladies sat next to us. They came in late, then left to go get food. They couldn’t have done that BEFORE they entered the theater? I said nothing, even though I wanted to. My granddaughter was enjoying the experience, plus this is a different time we live in.
    The lady who sat right next to us then answered a few text messages on her phone. It was distracting. To me, at least. Again, my granddaughter didn't notice and was transfixed by what was on the screen. I held my mud and said nothing.
    A few minutes later, my granddaughter finished the popcorn in her kid’s box and wanted more, but she didn’t want to miss whatever came next for Dorothy. 
     I considered my options. 
     I didn’t have any.
     So I did the math.
     The lady sitting next to us came in with three other women. They were all grandmotherly types, so I asked if she would watch my granddaughter while I made a quick trip to the concession stand. She was glad to. I was off and back, quick as a flying monkey.
    When I returned I thanked her.
    “Your granddaughter is a darling,” she told me.
    “She’s a good girl,” I agreed.
    I thought to myself: “Sometimes it’s better to hold your mud.”

     My granddaughter loved it.
     So did I.
     I never knew just how heartbreakingly beautiful Judy Garland was until I saw her on the big screen. Okay, I admit it, I even had to wipe away a few tears when she sang Somewhere Over The Rainbow.
     After the movie ended, as my granddaughter and I were walking out of the movie theater I thought about my soon-to-be 18-year-old daughter. The Wizard of Oz is her favorite movie. We watched it together many times when she was a little girl. Less, as she got older. So, when we got home, I invited her to join me for a father/daughter movie night. It was for the 30th. I had to take the day off to do it, because I don't get off work until 9:30 pm, and the movie started at 7:00, but I wanted her to know she was important to me.
     "Thanks for taking me, dad," she told me at the end of our "date."
     "I love you," I told her.
     "I know you do, because you NEVER take the day off."
     And it's true.
     I never do.
     But she's worth it.
American Chimpanzee

Wednesday, March 20, 2019

Beto O'Rourke Apologizes... For EVERYTHING!

"I'm sorry. Really, I'm sorry. Really sorry. Really, really, really sorry. You don't know how sorry I am. How sorry am I? I am SO sorry. So, so, so, SO sorry. I couldn't be more sorry. I'm just so sorry. So incredibly sorry. Sorry doesn't even begin to express how sorry I am. It's not possible for me to be any sorrier. On a scale of one to ten, with ten being the highest, I am on the tenth level of sorriness. If I were one of Spinal Tap's amps, I would be set at eleven, because eleven is one more than ten. You couldn't find anyone sorrier than I am right now. Because I'm sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry. 'Knock, knock!' Who's there? 'Justin.' Justin who? 'Justin case I haven't made my point, I'm sorry.' Completely sorry. Absolutely sorry. An infinity of sorry. Infinity plus infinity times infinity. If you look up the word sorry in the dictionary, you won't find a picture of me, but you'll see a picture of Jesus pointing to a picture of me and saying, 'He's sorry.' That's how sorry I am. If I was Indiana Jones, sorry would be the huge boulder rolling down the cave after me. I am the Darth Vader of sorry. The Wrath of Kahn of sorry. The Plan 9 From Outer Space of sorry. What would you find in Dante's Seventh Circle of Hell? Me. Being sorry. It's not you, it's me. Okay, it's you. Not really, it's me. And I'm sorry. Really, I am. Sorry, that is."
American Chimpanzee

Tuesday, March 19, 2019

Deep Thoughts by Donald Trump

What's this antagonistic obsession Donald Trump has with John McCain?
     The New York businessman, reality show star, and greatest president in my lifetime has gone off on another Twitter rant about John McCain, while the rest of the GOP has stood by with a look on their faces like the one the passengers on the Titanic must have had.
     To find some insight to his obsession, I needed to look no further than his latest book, Deep Thoughts by Donald Trump.
     I read it, so you wouldn't have to.
Winning isn't everything. It's the only thing.
That, and crushing John McCain.
It ain't over 'til it's over.
Or until John McCain comes back from the dead to finally vote for the repeal of ObamaCare.
All men are created equal.
Except John McCain.
Thou shalt not kill.
John McCain being the only exception.
Win one for the Gipper.
'Cause he hates John McCain, too.
Hmm, I wonder what John McCain is doing right now.
To the victor belongs the spoils.
You know who's spoiled?
John McCain.
Or maybe he just smells that way.
God must love the poor, 'cause he made so many of them.
He made John McCain, too.
Stupid God.
I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini.
Then I'll be ready for a night of stalking John McCain's grave.
'Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved before.
You know who I don't love?
John McCain.
When life hands you lemons, make lemonade.
Then poison it and serve it to John McCain.
If he were still alive, that is.

Hey, you! Turn around!
Oh, sorry... for a minute, I thought you were John McCain.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend.
Unless it's John McCain.
It ain't over until the fat lady sings.
Hmm, that fat lady looks an awful lot like John McCain.
'Tis a far, far better thing I do than I have ever done before.
'Tis a far better place I go than I have ever been.
Did I really say that?
'Cause what I was really thinking about was John McCain.
Don't shit where you eat.
Shit where John McCain eats.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
But why doesn't it keep John McCain away?
Where are you, McCain?
I know you're here somewhere.
Last night, I shot an elephant in my pajamas.
Oh, how I wish it were John McCain.
We are our own worst enemy.
Unless you count John McCain.
I think, therefore I am...
...thinking of John McCain.
I have not yet begun to fight.
Because I'm still worried if John McCain is really dead or not.
Nice guys finish last.
Does that mean John McCain is a nice guy?
I hope not.
Knock, knock!
"Who's there?"
"John McCain."
"John McCain who?"
"Nothing, I was just thinking about John McCain."
Don't fire until you see the whites of their eyes.
Unless it's John McCain.
We have met the enemy, and he is us.
By "us," I mean John McCain.
Prosperity is just around the corner.
So is John McCain.
Can't we all just get along?
With everybody but John McCain, that is.
You can fool all of the people some of the time,
and some of the people all of the time,
but you can't fool all of the people all of the time.
Oh, why does John McCain torment me so?
Am I a man who dreamt I was a butterfly,
or am I a butterfly dreaming that I'm a man?
No, I'm a man.
A man who hates John McCain.
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
But enough about John McCain.
A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.
You know who doesn't smell sweet?
John McCain.
And I'm not just saying that because he's Irish like Beto O'Rourke or anything.
You know who loves me?
The Irish.
And they're going to pay for that wall I'm building.
What do you mean John McCain's an American?
You mean, like me?
No way, I know what I'm talking about.
Wait a minute, what am I talking about?
Oh, yeah... John McCain.
I never met a man I didn't like.
Except John McCain.
  American Chimpanzee

Friday, February 1, 2019

The Week In Tweets: Special Super Bowl Edition!

I'm not materialistic.
You can get me anything you want for my birthday.
As long as you wrap it in cash.
Nice try, people named Tristan...
...or should I say: Stan, Stan, Stan!
Sometimes my jokes are just for me.
A Fake News report you never see:
"Psychic Wins Lottery!"
"No, those clothes don't make you look fat," I used to tell my ex. "You ALREADY look that way."
Money doesn't buy happiness...
...but it DOES provide for a more comfortable despair.
I think it's wrong that only ONE company makes the game of Monopoly.
"Two can play at THAT game," says the guy who's confused about how to play solitaire.
"Lucy. In the sky. With diamonds."
--John Lennon aka The World's WORST Clue player.
I was playing chess with a friend.
We decided to make it MORE interesting... we stopped playing chess.
I'm the WORLD CHAMPION Trivial Pursuit player, but what good is THAT going to do me?
It's got the word "TRIVIAL" in its NAME!
Hello, 9-1-1?
I've just swallowed three Scrabble tiles.
Just an FYI.
I hate it when I see some old geezer and then realize that I went to school with him.
Why is "You've made your bed, now lie in it" considered a Negative statement?
I don't have to be told TWICE to take a nap.
American Chimpanzee

Friday, January 18, 2019

Dear John: Special Not A Stalker Edition!

Hard Core Advice
From Hard Core’s Hardest Core...
John Leslie!
Dear John,
     I am in my 80s.
     From time to time, when I have tried to contact a dear friend or distant relative, I find that they have recently passed away.
     Don't you think it would be a good idea for older people to make a short list of people we want contacted in case of a serious illness or death?
     So many times our survivors have no idea who some of our friends are or how to contact them.
Dear Caring,
I 've seen their lists, and you weren't on them.
Dear John,
     I have been married to a loving and supportive man for 15 years. We have been through a lot together and, for the most part, have been OK. My problem is my son, "Kyle."
     Yes, I know Kyle is a liar, and, yes, he needs help for his drug habit... but he is still my son!
     My husband told me I either need to tell Kyle he is not welcome in our home or our marriage is over, so I gave him back my wedding ring. I refuse to tell my son he can no longer come over and steal from us.
     What do I do now?
     I don't want to lose my husband, but I refuse to lose my worthless son as well.
Dear Torn,
If your son went from being a drug user to being a drug dealer, he'd be a business entrepreneur, and entrepreneurs are welcome everywhere.
Dear John,
     I recently graduated from college, and I had difficulty finding employment. However, I was just offered a position far better than anything I could have asked for. The problem is my partner, "Bruce."
     Bruce graduated a semester before I did, and he's still without a job. He applies for dozens of jobs a day, gets at least one interview a week, nd then he never hears from them again. He has become increasingly frustrated about his inability to find employment in his field, and recently has been projecting his frustration on our relationship.
     I want to be able to celebrate my accomplishment with my partner. I need Bruce's support for me over this new position, but I'm torn because every time I tell him a new detail about it, he punches me in the face.
     What can I do"
Dear Working,
Tell him to get over it.
Confidential to Not A Stalker:
I've called the police, and they know who you are.
American Chimpanzee

Friday, January 11, 2019

The Week In Tweets: Special Belated Edition!

President Obama (about business owners): "You didn't do that!"
President Trump (about President Trump's accomplishments): "I did that!"
Before you say something that will hurt another person's feelings, first think about it, then think about it again...
...then don't.
Oh, look!
ANOTHER glorious Monday!
...makes me sick.
Fake News Reports!
Harvey Weinstein Presents!
Trumpenstein Versus The Obamonster!
WHO will win on Election Tuesday?
I'm not saying my ex is fat, but, when she loss ten pounds, it was like cutting the tail off a cow.
"Here you go, sir. A double scoop of Ben & Jerry's Pecan Resist ice cream, which honors Democrats' most cherish principles."
So the American Taxpayer will be paying for it?
The Sierra Blanca Border Patrol checkpoint.
If their intention is to back up freeway traffic on I-10 East for half and hour, then they're doing a good job.
My father always said, "Put your eggs in one basket, and then watch that basket."
My father.
He never had money, but he always had eggs.
Good things come to those who wait.
Of course, waiting gets old pretty quick.
Success 101
If you ever need a helping hand, it's at the end of your arm.
Fake News Reports!
California Wildfires!
Over 30 Dead!
Over 200 Missing!
And with the president in Paris, there's no way to blame it on Trump!
"But we'll find a way," Fake News promises.
Fake News Reports!
Caitlyn Jenner Loses Home To The California Wildfires!
"Sorry, but you're thinking about my hoo-hah," the former Bruce Jenner says.
Fake News Reports!
Miley Cyrus Loses Home To The California Wildfires!
"I'm one of the lucky ones," she says. "My animals, the love of my life, and my pot all survived."
My wife will follow me to the end of the earth.
Unfortunately, that's where my other wife lives.
I know some people have nothing to say, but why does it have to take so long to find that out?
The Three Things I Want Out Of Life:
1) Love
2) Respect
3) Acceptance
...but I'll settle for a pizza.
When it snows, you have two choices: mope or make snow angels.
My dad says I'm lucky because I'm a kid and I don't have to worry about work or bills or taxes or insurance or home maintenance or car payments or...
...but I sure do have to listen to a lot of complaining.
Fake News Reports!
White House Thanksgiving Turkey PARDONS President Trump!
100% of my problems occur while I'm awake, so I'm going back to bed.
You can't argue with math.
Happy Monday!
This Is The Best Day EVER!
(In case you missed it, this is called "sarcasm.")
I respect my elders.
Although, at MY age, it's getting harder to find any.
I don't mind my ex always having to have the last word.
What I mind is how long it takes her to GET to the last word.
Autocorrect can go straight to he'll.
Is it possible to still enjoy the Sisteen Chapel if you haven't seen chapels one through fisteen first?
Fake News Reports!
At Bush 41's funeral services, when I was paying my respects to the five living presidents in attendance, while Bill distracted me from the front, Hillary tried to steal my wallet from behind.
Fake News Reports!
Everyone was moved at Bush 41's funeral services when Hillary broke down over the coffin, crying hysterically.
The mood changed, however, when it was discovered that was just a cover for her trying to steal the gold fillings out of the dead president's mouth.
Fake News Reports!
WHO Are The Three RICHEST Celebrities?
George Lucas!
Steven Spielberg!
Oprah Winfrey!
Each Worth Billion$!
And they all think YOU should pay more in taxes.
American Chimpanzee