The Week In Tweets: Special LeBron James Whines Edition!

 Fake News Reports!

My mother-in-law's visits always gives my wife and I pleasure.

My wife, when she arrives.

Me, when she leaves.

  

Astronomers Have Determined That "The Great Red Spot" On Jupiter (Actually A Storm Big Enough To Swallow Earth) Is SHRINKING!

Damn this global warming.

  

This Just In!

LeBron James Takes A Knee!

...just before depositing his multi-million dollar paycheck.

  

LeBron James Takes A Knee!

...just before depositing his multi-million paycheck.

"This country is so unfair," he gripes to the minimum wage teller.

  

LeBron James Takes A Knee!

"Why doesn't America love us too?" he laments to his 47.4 million Twitter followers.

  

Ellen DeGeneres Takes The Workplace Toxicity Of Her TV Show Head On In The First Episode Of Her 18th Season's Opening Monologue!

"I don't have to put up with any of this shit," she berated her audience. "I'm rich, you get me? RICH!"

  

Nancy Pelosi & Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin Have Agreed On A Spending Bill To Make Sure There Will NO Government Shutdown!

"First and foremost," the Speaker of the House declared to all pandemic sufferers, "we must make sure that WE get paid."

  

North Korea's Rotund Dictator Kim Jong-Un Apologizes For The "Unfortunate" Killing Of South Korean Official!

"And all future 'unfortunate' killings as well," he snickered obesely.

  

LeBron James DEMANDS Justice In The Wake Of Kentucky's Grand Jury Ruling In The Shooting Of Breonna Taylor!

"What kind of a world do we live in if we can't shoot a cop without retaliation?" he says.

  

The Walking Dead Is  Finally Ending!

To be immediately followed by a Carol/Daryl spin-off.

So... The Walking Dead isn't really ending then, is it?

  

Jim Duchene
Fake News Chief Correspondent

American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene

  

The Week In Tweets: Special Marilyn Manson vs Justin Bieber Edition!

Fake News Reports!

I used to work in a sweat shop, but they closed it down years ago.

People quit buying sweat.

  

Having kids is like riding a roller coaster.

A very expensive roller coaster that never ends.

  

Joe Biden And Mike Pence Exchanged Pleasantries With Each Other At Last Friday's 9-11 Memorial In New York!

"Wow! It's like looking into a mirror and seeing someone who doesn't look like you at all," the former VP said, before continuing his search for blue Jello.

  

I see Marilyn Manson is trending.

You know, if someone looks like a psycho and acts like a psycho, how is anyone surprised when it turns out they're a psycho.

  

My mother-in-law's visits always gives my wife and I pleasure.

My wife, when she arrives.

Me, when she leaves.

  

How Did Justin Bieber End Up In Drake's & DJ Khaled's Popstar Music Video?

"The guy just wouldn't leave," the black superstars confessed.

  

In A Mysterious Tweet, Justin Bieber Has Announced His "New Era Begins" In "ONE WEEK"!

The world yawns in anticipation.

  

  Jimmy Carter Finally Breaks His Silence About Willie Nelson's "Big Fat Austin Torpedo On The White House Roof" Story!

"It doesn't count if someone sticks it up your butt, does it?" the former president wants to know before going any further.

  

During A Live Interview, CNBC's Jim Cramer Calls Nancy Pelosi "Crazy Nancy" To Her FACE!

"Speaking," the San Franciscan Congresswoman answered.

  

After Being Introduced By Luis Fonsi In Florida, Joe Biden Was Told To Pander To The Largely Hispanic Audience By Playing Despacito From His Phone To Honor Hispanic Heritage Month!

"What is this shit?" he grumbled when the music came on.

  

FBI Director Christopher Wray Confirmed To Congress That Russia Is Actively Interfering In Our 2020 Presidential Elections!

"You mean the way they do in EVERY election?" the House Committee on Homeland Security asked.

"Um... yes."

  

Jim Duchene
Fake News Chief Correspondent

American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene

  

The Week In Tweets: Special Clue Edition!

 Fake News Reports!

 
As Obama Praises NBA Players For Protesting The Jacob Blake Shooting In Wisconsin, Peaceful Protestors, In Solidarity With The Former President, Spell Out "Hope" & "Change" By Setting Strategically Chosen Neighborhoods On Fire!

In An Interview With The Los Angeles Times, Trevor Noah Explains Why He Decided To Change The Daily Show!
"I was tired of the acclaim and high ratings Jon Stewart got, so I decided to go off in a different direction."

NBA & NBPA Players Decide To End Their Protests And Resume Playoffs On Saturday Once They Realized...
"...just how much money we'd be losing."

American Crisis, Governor Cuomo's New Book About His Handling Of The Coronavirus Pandemic, Is Due In October!
It's a murder mystery: "Someone killed 7,000 elderly nursing home residents. Will the killer be brought to justice?"

From the Coronavirus Special Edition of the board game Clue:
Who killed 7,000 elderly nursing home residents?
It was the Governor.
In the office.
With a pen.

On 08-28-2020 The Bloomberg Opinion Happily Opined That The Coronavirus Has Solidified The Decline Of The United States Of America!
BUT...
If Joe Biden becomes president, things will magically get better.

  

Refuting Erroneous Speculation Concerning A Trip He Made To Walter Reed Medical Center Back In November Of 2019, President Trump Denies Having Had A "Series Of Mini-Strokes"!

"No, my face has always looked like this," he says.

  

Why pay thousands to run with the bulls when you can run from a pack of rabid dogs for free?

  

I didn't get my chores done today, but there's always tomorrow.

Yes, tomorrow seems like the perfect day to not do them all over again.

  

Jim Duchene
Fake News Chief Correspondent

American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene