Thursday, May 30, 2019

The Week In Tweets: Special Jailed-In-El Paso Edition!

Fake News Reports!
  
Why did the chicken cross the road?
That depends...
Was the chicken crispy or original recipe?
  
Sully, President George H.W. Bush's Service Dog, Paid Tribute To Her Former Master On Memorial Day!
Now, did she really pay tribute, or did someone drag her to his grave for a picture?
  
You should eat healthy foods and avoid snacks.
Because those snacks are mine.
  
Beto O'Rourke Is Giving Unprecedented Access Into The Personal And Political Toll Running For Office Has Taken On Him And His Family!
Beto's presidential campaign has barely started and already he's complaining?
  
The Border Patrol Captured Over 2,200 Foreign Nationals Crossing Into The United States Illegally In The El Paso/New Mexico Area On Memorial Day!
"It was very memorable," the migrant caravaners all agreed.
  
Has-Been "Who's The Boss" Child Actress Alyssa Milano On Day 87 Of Sex Strike!
Wow, Alyssa, you must have some very strong feelings about a woman's right to infanticide.
"Not really. I just needed an excuse not to have sex with my husband."
  
Mexican Drug Lord "El Jaguar" Of Gente Nuevo, A Branch Of The Sinaloa Cartel, Jailed In El Paso!
"Can you help me, officer?" he said upon entering the United States. "I am seeking asylum and I was separated from my parents at the border."
  
The Restocking Of Fish At Young Park Pond In Las Cruces Will Be Delayed Due To Vandalism!
Nothing worse than fish vandals.
  
Why Was The Evidence Thrown Out In The Santa Fe Snowplow Driver's Case?
It melted.
  
Las Cruces Student Kristina Martian, 14, Survives Third Round Of Scripps National Spelling Bee!
What's more amazing than a talking dog?
A spelling bee.
  
  
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
  

Monday, May 27, 2019

The Week In Tweets: Special Memorial Day Edition!

Fake News Reports!
  
The Unemployment Rate In El Paso, Texas Has Hit A Historic Low!
My lazy, chronically unemployed brother-in-law will be disappointed.
He moved to El Paso because he heard there were no jobs there.
  
The New Mexico Supreme Court Is Considering Allowing Non-Lawyers To Provide Civil Legal Services To People Unable To Afford An Attorney!
A NON-Lawyer?
Finally, a job my uneducated brother-in-law is qualified for.
  
A Copy Of The 1868 Treaty Between Our Two Great Nations Was Generously Donated To The Navajos!
"We're giving you this," a representative for the United States government told them, "because we're sure as hell not giving you anything else."
  
In A Tour Of El Paso's Sister City In Mexico, First Lady Adair Margo Insists THIS Is The Juarez She Wants Everybody To See.
Um, shouldn't you be more concerned with promoting the city your husband is the mayor of?
"El Paso? Pffffft!"
  
Nancy Pelosi Declares: "The White House Is Just ASKING To Be Impeached!"
And just what the impeachment charges will be?
"If YOU don't know, I'M certainly not going to tell you."
  
President Trump Calls Speaker Of The House Nancy Pelosi "A Mess"!
"Yeah... a HOT, SEXY mess."
  
New Mexico Land Commissioner Stephanie Garcia Richard Wants To Replace Gender-Specific Pronouns With Something More Neutral!
Like what?
"You, know, something respectful, like 'hey you' or 'whatsisface.'"
  
In Congress, Less Than Two Dozen Democrats And One Republican Voice Their Support For Impeachment!
There are 535 members in Congress.
You do the math.
  
Entrepreneurs Struggle To Turn African Plants Into Breakthrough Superfoods And Sell It To Americans!
Um... isn't Africa known for its starving population and even THEY don't want to eat this crap?
Yeah, that's what I thought.
  
New Mexico Governor Michelle Lujan Grisham In Deming To Oversee The Housing Of Migrant Caravaners!
“Put them anywhere but near MY house,” the latest in a long line of politicians ordered.
    
  
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
  

Sunday, May 26, 2019

The Week In Tweets: Special Racist Edition!

Fake News Reports!
  
New Mexico Democrats Call President Trump's New Immigration Plan "Reckless"!
Hmm...
That's interesting, because New Mexico REPUBLICANS are calling President Trump's new immigration plan "The best thing since Post Toasties!"
  
An NMSU Researcher Will Evaluate A Model Meant To Help Babies And Parents Sleep Better!
In my case, it's called alcohol.
  
NMSU Ranks In The Top 25 For Enrolling And Graduating Woman In Computer Science.
And, if you think I'm gonna make fun of THAT, you're suffering from Trump Derangement Syndrome.
  
El Paso Celebrates It's 146th Birthday With A Party Downtown!
El Paso, you don't look a day over 145.
And neither does my ex-wife.
  
University Of New Mexico Baseball Ends Their Disappointing 2019 Season On A High Note!
"Thank God for medical marijuana," the Lobos coach said. "Uh... don't quote me on that."
Oops.
  
Has-Been Who's The Boss Child Star Alyssa Milano Calls For Women To Go On A Sex Strike To Protest Strict Abortion Laws As The World Yawns In Response!
Too late, Alyssa... I'm ALREADY married.
  
Albuquerque's 2018 Tax Increase Expected To Bilk An Additional FIFTY-EIGHT MILLION DOLLARS From Tax-Payers!
Mayor says it's not enough.
Hey, Mayor... why don't you try cutting spending instead?
"How 'bout them Isotopes?" the Mayor responds.
  
The Las Cruces City Council Met This Past Monday To Go Over Next Year's Spending Plan!
"What do we spend it on?"
"Who cares? It's not OUR money."
  
Washington Becomes First State To Allow Dead People To Choose To Become Compost Rather Than Being Buried Or Cremated!
Silly Washington.
Dead people can't choose.
  
Republican Justin Amash Tweets That Attorney General Barr Has "Deliberately Misrepresented Mueller's Report" and President Trump Has "Engaged In Impeachable Conduct."
Can you give us an example, Congressman Amash?
"No, I can't."
  
Presidential Hopeful Beto O'Rourke Talks About President Trump, Impeachment, And The Opioid Crisis At His CNN Town Hall!
Go back to talking about your ear hair, Beto.
  
Nancy Pelosi: "President Trump Is Engaged In A Cover-Up!"
Can we have some cold, hard facts, Madam Speaker?
"You know, he's covering up for that thing he did over there in that place where those things were happening with some guy who did something for reasons we're still trying to find out."
  
Lori Lightfoot Makes History By Becoming Chicago's First Black, Female, And Openly Gay Mayor!
Good job, America.
This doesn't happen in racist, sexist, homophobic countries, you know.
  
Beto O'Rourke, In A CNN Town Hall, Declares: "We Should Begin Impeachment Proceedings Against President Trump."!
Hey, weren't you once arrested for Armed Robbery and your rich daddy got you off?
"What does THAT have to do with anything?"
  
Housing Secretary And Republican Ben Carson Misunderstands REOs For OREOs From Mumble-Mouthed Congresswoman And Democrat Katie Porter And The News Media Goes NUTS!
Is it just me, or do the negative comments and reportage about OREO cookies seem racist?
  
  
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
  

Friday, May 17, 2019

The Week In Tweets: Special Local News Edition!

Fake News Reports!
  
Albuquerque Residents Donate Over 184,000 Pounds Of Food To Roadrunner Food Bank!
Who knew roadrunners ate so much?
  
I-25 To Get Wrong-Way Detection System!
Sorry, I-25, but I already have one...
My wife.
  
The TSA Is Evaluating 60,000 Employees To Determine Which Of Them Would Be The Most Helpful Along The Border!
If anyone can slow to a halt the avalanche of migrant caravaners surging into the U.S., it's the TSA.
Lord knows, that's what they do at airports.
  
A Flood Of Cuban Migrants On Their Way To El Paso Is Creating A Headache For Juarez Officials!
"A headache?" one of the Cubans exclaimed. "You don't know what a headache is until you've tried to row a boat across the Mexican desert."
  
Don't have plans for Memorial Day?
Now you do!
Five fun things to do in Las Cruces for the holiday:
1) Mow my lawn.
2) Wash my car.
3) Paint my house.
4) Buy me beer.
5) Quit complaining and just let me enjoy my Memorial Day.
  
In A Secret Overnight Operation, Las Cruces Police Discovered A LOT Of Unlocked Doors Around The City!
In an unrelated story, while the police were busy checking doorknobs, the local crime rate shot THROUGH THE ROOF.
  
The Border Patrol Releases FIVE THOUSAND Migrant Caravaners Into Las Cruces!
"Anywhere but MY neighborhood," Nancy Pelosi smirks, cackling her hideous cackle.
  
The 2019 Las Cruces UkeFest Has Brought To The City Ukulele Players From All Across The United States!
...but, sadly, not one groupie.
  
Migrant Shelters In El Paso And Las Cruces Are Over-Crowded And A New Tent Facility Opened By The Border Patrol Just Last Week Is Already Past Its Capacity!
But don't worry, America, there is no crisis.
  
Here's What We Know About President Trump's New Immigration Proposal:
Aw, who am I kidding?
If you're a Republican you're for it, and, if you're a Democrat, you're against it.
  
Beto O'Rourke Tries To Reboot His Presidential Campaign By Live-Streaming His Haircut And An Ear Hair Trim, All To Prove He's A Man Of The People!
"I've never seen the guy before in my life," admits the barber.
  
In El Paso, Adair Margo, The City's First Lady, Led A Walking Tour Into Juarez, Mexico!
Don't worry.
I'm sure they'll find her body.
Eventually.
  
Albuquerque's Problem Response Teams Are Getting... Bicycles!
Because nothing commands respect like a cop wearing short shorts doing wheelies on a bike.
  
Police In El Paso Arrest Suspects In A 7-Eleven Robbery, Catching Them After Their Car Ran Out Of Gas!
I mean--c'mon, man--the gas pumps were RIGHT THERE.
  
A Las Cruces Migrant Shelter Has Received A Surprise Donation Of 30,000 Meals!
Was that generous donation from one of your favorite politicians?
Don't make me laugh.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
I said, DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH!
  
A 12-Year-Old Has Been Charged With A DWI By The Police For Taking Friends On A Joy Ride On U.S. Highway 54/70!
...and IMMEDIATELY becomes the Democratic front runner for president.
  
  
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
  

Wednesday, May 15, 2019

The Week In Tweets: Special I-Want-Some Edition!

In school, it's not that I wasn't interested.
It's that my teachers weren't all that interesting.
  
Success 101:
The secret to succeeding more?
Failing less!
  
I know I say I don't like saying "I told you so," but, the truth is...
I LOVE saying "I told you so!"
  
Why was Nancy Pelosi Reading "Mein Kampf" during President Trump's State of the Union address?
  
The Bible says "The truth shall set you free," but all the truth's ever done for me is gotten me in trouble.
  
Fake News Reports!
Beto O'Rourke Raises A Record 6.1 Million Dollars in 24 hours!
"And THAT was just from my billionaire father-in-law," he gesticulates.
  
Fake News Reports!
Democrats, Led By Nancy Pelosi, Are Pushing For The Voting Age To Be Lowered To 16!
Whatever these idiots are on...
I WANT SOME!
  
Fake News Reports!
After The Recent Mass Shooting, The Citizens Of New Zealand Are Willingly Turning In Their Guns To The Government, Honoring A Request From Their Prime Minister!
...and were immediately invaded by Armed Kangaroo Commandos from Australia.
  
Why are soldiers always tired on April 1st?
Because they've just got done with a 31-day March
  
  
 American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene