Thursday, July 29, 2021

The Week In Tweets: Special The Olympics Edition!

 Fake News Reports!


Nancy Pelosi Rejects Republicans Jim Banks & Jim Jordan Serving On The January 6th Select Committee
“What do you think this is? A fair hearing?”

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THIS JUST IN:
China Just Scored The First Gold Medal Of The Summer Olympics In Tokyo!
I’m happy for the athlete. 
As a reward, her family gets a ten minute break at the Nike factory.

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I’m not saying my ex has let herself go, but the last time she stepped out she got a Cease & Desist from Google Earth.

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“Second place at the Olympics gets you the silver.
Second place in politics gets you the presidency.”
—President Trump

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Olympic Swimmer Araiarne Titmus Beats Katie Ledecky In The 400-Meter Freestyle, Winning Australia A Gold Medal!
Her coach, Dean Boxall, was so excited he had it bronzed.

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The Olympics inspires some people to get out there and get active.
All it inspires in me is to sit on the couch and watch TV.

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I was excited when I got my tickets to see the 2020 Olympic women’s beach volleyball final in Japan!
Just my luck, it was for Iran versus Saudi Arabia.

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The last time I was at the Olympics was 2008 in Beijing, China.
ALL the colors were represented.
Unfortunately, I’m talking about the drinking water.

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I’m not saying my first marriage was a loveless one, but the swimming pool lifeguards at the 2020 Olympics are seeing more action.

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The food here at the Olympic Village is fit for a king.
STEPHEN King!

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Jim Duchene
Fake News Chief Correspondent
 
American Chimpanzee
@JimDuchene

Wednesday, July 21, 2021

The Week In Tweets: Special Brady Bunch Edition!

 Fake News Reports!


My parents were always proud of me.
And I could never figure out why.

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When we were married my ex-wife wanted to have children.
“What you do in your free time is fine by me,” I told her.

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My parents told me I don’t call them often enough.
“But I visit you every day,” I answered.
Turns out, they’d prefer a phone call.

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Tom Brady Visits Joe Biden At The White House!
“It takes a special man,” the president told press, “to marry a lovely lady who was bringing up three very lovely girls. All of them had hair of gold like their mother. The youngest one in curls.”

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THIS JUST IN:
   Japan CANCELS The Olympics!

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THIS JUST IN:
   Joe Biden FIRES Dr. Fauci!

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Senator Rand Paul In ANOTHER Massive Blowout With Dr. Anthony Fauci, Who Was Testifying Before Congress!
“Can’t I speak with someone from CNN?” pleaded the trembling Dr. Fauci

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Albuquerque, NM Was Nearly Scammed Out Of 1.9 MILLION Dollars!
Fortunately, a bank flagged the transfer of funds okayed by city staff.
“You mean, there ISN’T a Nigerian prince?” Mayor Tim Keller demanded to know.

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With His People Starving And Famine Ravaging His Country, North Korean Dictator Kim Jong-Un Sails On His Luxury Yacht To His Mansion In Wonsan Bay…
…WITH DONALD TRUMP!

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48 Churches In Canada Have Been Vandalized Or Set On Fire In The Last Two Months!
“I need the ash for my blackface,” a grinning Prime Minister Trudeau explained calmly.

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Jim Duchene
Fake News Chief Correspondent
 
American Chimpanzee
@JimDuchene


Sunday, July 18, 2021

The Week In Tweets: Special Ergo Ego Edition!

 Fake News Reports!

It’s the weekend.
I think I’ll take off my ego, put on my bathing suit, and go to the pool.

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When Texas Democrats Escaped To Washington DC On Monday They Took Along Their Integrity And A Case Of Miller Light!
Man, I guess graft doesn’t pay what it used to.

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A White Penn State Professor Singles Out White Student & Ridicules Him In Front Of His Fellow College Students For Being White And Benefiting From His Whiteness!
   Will this professor quit so a black professor can take his place?
“Heck no,” he wokes.

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Arizona Governor Doug Ducey Uses Federal Cash To Boost Unemployment Fund!
“Why doesn’t anyone want to go back to work,” the governor lamented as he signed the order.

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New Mexico Regulators Investigate San Juan Generating Station’s Cooling Tower Collapse!
“Yep, it’s collapsed,” they confirm.

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New Mexico Paid $1.5 MILLION To Advertise The State During Sir Richard Branson’s Virgin Galactic Space Flight!
“New Mexico?” mused Lord Xenu, Scientology’s Favorite Dictator of the Galactic Confederacy. “Seems like a nice place.”

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New Mexico’s Space Industry Program Is Now Accepting Applications!
Good thing I identify as an astronaut.

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At night, when I look into the infinity of the night sky, it makes me feel small and insignificant.
But not as much as my mother-in-law does.

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My wife and I are sending her mother on a trip for her birthday.
We can use the vacation.

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Believe it or not, I like it when my mother-in-law visits us on Sunday.
It makes the rest of the week seem so much better by comparison.

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Jim Duchene
Fake News Chief Correspondent
 
American Chimpanzee
@JimDuchene

Tuesday, July 13, 2021

The Week In Tweets: Special Wrinkles Edition!

 Fake News Reports!


I don’t worry about wrinkles.
   They cover my age spots.

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KRQE-TV’s Larry Barker, Known For His Confrontational Style, Apologizes To The New Mexican Governor’s Press Secretary For His Rude Behavior!
“I’m sorry,” he said, feigning regret. “For a minute there, I thought you were Trump.”

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The Santa Fe County Ranch Owned By The Very Dead Sex Offender Jeffrey Epstein Is Now On Sale For $27.5 Million!
“It would have listed for more,” a spokesman said, “but we couldn’t get rid of the smell.”

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My wife is right, I AM unsociable.
I didn’t realize it until she pointed out to me that when this pandemic happened my life didn’t change at all.

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SILVER ALERT!
Please be on the lookout for Joe Biden, who left Washington this morning to meet with Mayor Lori Lightfoot in Chicago but ended up FIFTY miles away in Crystal Lake.

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When I heard they were meeting at Crystal Lake, I thought it was to film a sequel to Friday The 13th.

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THIS JUST IN:
Japan RUINS The Olympics!

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I’ve stared into the face of death many times.
But enough about my ex-wife.

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Robin DiAngelo, The Author Of “White Frigidity,” Her New Book—A Socialist Diatribe On Racism—FLOPS!
“Shouldn’t she be giving her books away for free?” her target demographic wonders out loud.

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In A Country Of 350 Million, Robin DiAngelo's Newest Woke Opus On Racism BOMBS, Only Moving An Anemic 3500 Books!
“I stole MY copy,” her target demographic said, striking a blow for equity and reparations.

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Nature abhors a vacuum.
And it doesn’t think much of you, either.

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Jim Duchene
Fake News Chief Correspondent
 
American Chimpanzee
@JimDuchene
 

Sunday, July 4, 2021

A Tale of Two Kitties

 as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine

Every Saturday I go to Las Fuentes restaurant and buy my father the family pack of red cheese enchiladas, with sides of rice and beans. My father is one enchilada-eating kind of guy. If I’m lucky, my granddaughter will join me.

    Early last month, however, they had a sign on their window. It said: “Closed today.” That today has lasted over a month. They tried to hang in there, but I’m guessing the virus that no one is allowed to speculate where it came from has claimed another casualty. 

    Fortunately, there’s no shortage of Mexican restaurants where I live—God bless the southwest—so I went to a different restaurant, Gabriel’s. We threw my youngest daughter her first birthday party there. That was eighteen years ago, so I’m guessing your invitation should show up any day now.

     “It doesn’t taste the same,” my father was quick to point out. “Are you getting them from the same place?”

     “Would I go someplace else?” I said, not really lying.

     “Well, tell them I’m not happy.”

     For the record, Gabriel’s makes excellent enchiladas. My father is just a creature of habit.

    “Why don’t you try The Lunch Box?” my wife said, suggesting the restaurant we go to when we’re in the mood for Mexican food. So I did and my father immediately quit complaining. My wife is not just beautiful, she’s smart. 

    He confided to her that they tasted just like the ones his mother used to make, and he’s been reminiscing about her ever since. Something as simple as that has made my father happy, and a happy dad is a dad we don’t have to medicate. Some of you will understand what I’m talking about.

     The Lunch Box is close to where my sister lives, which happens to be the house we all grew up in. My granddaughter had a bag of Andes mint chocolates for her, so we dropped by for a visit. As we got out of the car, my granddaughter told me, “I really like these candies,” dropping a hint so big a boulder could have rolled after Indiana Jones in it. I promised to buy her some later, then thought about it and--what the heck--I tore open the bag and gave her three pieces. She ate one, then gobbled up the last two at the same time. She eats like my father, taking no prisoners.

     My sister has three very loud dogs. If their job is to keep intruders away, then they do their job very well. Despite that, two cats have adopted my sister and made the front porch their home. One’s a male she calls Meatball, and the other’s a female she calls Sasha, because she’s sassy. Sasha was lounging on the porch by the front door. Whenever the male came close, she chased him away. Kind of like my first wife when I was feeling frisky.

     Turns out, Sasha had two kittens hidden away in the brick flowerbed that goes along the front of the house. Until they stuck out their curious little heads, we had no idea they were there.

     “Sasha,” my sister gushed, “you’re a mommy!”

     They looked only a few weeks old. Reaching down, I picked one up. It hissed, so I quickly put it back down. Multiple punctures is not my idea of a good time. The other one ran off, around the corner of the house. My sister picked up the one who stayed, and, after making its disgruntlement known, the kitten settled down and let itself be held. 

     “Can your granddaughter hold it?” my sister asked me.

     At first I said no, because, well.... that kitten’s claws and teeth were SHARP! Like an unholy combination of scalpels and needles. Edward Scissorhands only dreams about having appendages like those. After a few minutes, however, I gave in. The longing look in my granddaughter’s eyes was more than I could resist. She took the kitten gently in her arms. The kitten enjoyed being cuddled by her, and the feeling was mutual.

     “What should we name the kitten?” my sister asked her.

     “Flower,” my granddaughter said, “because she’s a girl.”

     “She is?”

     “They both are.”

     “How do you know?”

     “I just do.”

     Thinking of how Sasha chased Meatball away, it surprised me how comfortable she was letting us hold her baby. My sister, meanwhile, went to get her a can of tuna.

     “Mommies need their energy,” she told us.

     After a time, the kitten was put back in its hiding place, and the three of us went in search of the missing one. If it made its way to the backyard, things might not turn out so well for it when my sister’s dogs came out to do their business. 

     The kitten was hiding along the side of the house. My sister picked it up, took it back, and just like that it was time for us to go. My granddaughter was having a good time. She could have stayed there all day holding those kittens and visiting with my sister.

    “Can we take them home?” she asked as we were leaving.

    Her yearning tugged at my heart.

    “No, sweetie,” I reluctantly told her.

    “Aw,” she said.

    My sister was also disappointed. She’s too young to become a cat lady.

    On our drive home, true to my word, I bought my granddaughter a bag of Andes. That perked her up a bit. It wasn’t the same, but it had to do. 

    Once home, my wife asked her if she was going to share the candy with her auntie, my youngest, who was studying in her bedroom. My granddaughter reached into the candy bag, which was completely full, and pulled out a miserly two pieces. 

     “Is that all you’re going to give her?” my wife asked.

     “I don’t want to run out,” she explained.

   

 

American Chimpanzee

JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com

RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com

@JimDuchene

Friday, July 2, 2021

The Week In Tweets: Special The View Edition!

 Fake News Reports!

After Four Trying Years, Meghan McCain Leaves ABC’s Cuckoo Cackle-Fest The View!
“I’m not saying my co-hosts are stupid,” she explained, “but it takes them FOUR hours to watch 60 Minutes.”

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After Four Long Years, Meghan McCain Leaves ABC’s Nasty Nag-Fest The View!
“I’m not saying Whoopi Goldberg is stupid,” she explained, “but she thinks a quarterback’s a refund.

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After Four Difficult Years, Meghan McCain Leaves ABC’s Poopy Pooper-Fest The View!
“I’m not saying my co-hosts are stupid,” she explained, “but they got fired from their job at the M & M factory for throwing out all the W’s.”

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After Four Vacuous Years, Meghan McCain Leaves ABC’s Vicious Vomit-Fest The View!
“I’m not saying Joy Behar is stupid,” she explained, “but they had to burn down the school to get her out of second grade.”

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After Four Draining Years, Meghan McCain Leaves ABC’s Frumpy Flatulence-Fest The View!
“I’m not saying my co-hosts are stupid,” she explained, “but they think Johnny Cash is a pay toilet.”

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After Four Taxing Years, Meghan McCain Leaves ABC’s Putrid Puke-Fest The View!
   “I’m not saying Sara Haines is stupid,” she explained, “but when Judge Judy said, ‘Order in the court!’ she asked for a burger and fries.”

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After Four Frustrating Years, Meghan McCain Leaves ABC’s Yammering Yak-Fest The View!
“I’m not saying my co-hosts are stupid,” she explained, “but you could lock them in a grocery store and they’d starve to death.”

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After Four Toxic Years, Meghan McCain Leaves ABC’s Boring Crap-Fest The View!
“I’m not saying Sunny Hostin is stupid,” she explained, “but she puts lipstick on her forehead to make up her mind.”

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After Four Spirit-Breaking Years, Meghan McCain Leaves ABC’s Osteo Porosis-Fest The View!
“I’m not saying my co-hosts are stupid,” she explained, “but The Three Stooges watch them and take notes.

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After Four Years She’ll Never Get Back, Meghan McCain Leaves ABC’s Stink, Stank, Stunk-Fest Of A Show, The View!
   “I’m not saying Baba Wawa is stupid,” she explained, “but when thieves stole her TV, she chased after them, shouting ‘Wait, you forgot the remote!’”

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Jim Duchene
Fake News Chief Correspondent
 
American Chimpanzee
@JimDuchene