RaisingDad
by Jim and Henry Duchene
Back To Four
"Who would buy him?"
...one...
Back when my beloved mother was still alive, she told me something scary that happened to her and my father when they were home alone.
Not scary in an “Abbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein" kind of way, even though it could have been. You see, the house I grew up in is supposed to be haunted. I say “supposed” because nothing frightening ever happened to me there, unless you count experiencing mysterious gas fumes every night emanating from my laughing brother's side of the bedroom we shared.
Anyway...
They were in the den watching TV. She was sitting on the couch and my father was in his favorite chair, when—all of a sudden—my father began to choke.
"Honey!" my mother screamed.
Panicking, she got up from the couch, picked up the remote, and turned off the TV.
That didn’t help.
I don’t know why she thought it would.
Next, she started slapping him hard on the back.
That didn't help either.
He clawed at his throat. His eyes bulged. He fell to the floor.
Now THAT helped.
The obstruction dislodged and my father could breathe again.
"Are you okay?” my mother cried.
Taking in huge gulps of air, he used it to chastise her.
"Why did you turn off the TV?" he griped.
My mother let that slide.
When the hubbub was over and my father was back in his favorite chair, happily eating the very same snacks he almost choked to death on, my mother asked why he got mad at her for turning off the TV.
"Because,” he explained, “if it was my time to go, I wanted to go watching my favorite show.”
...two…
Years back I saw a very sexy 72-year-old Helen Mirren riding onto the Academy Awards stage on a jet ski and thinking about it now reminds me of how my father can be romantic in his own way.
Once, as my parents were watching one of Helen’s movies, my mother told him, "I can't believe she's MY age. She's so beautiful."
Tenderly, my father reached over and patted her hand.
"You're almost as beautiful as she is," he told her.
...three…
On a trip to visit family who live out of state, I sat with my father as the plane we were already on slowly filled. One of the pre-boarding perks of getting old.
I sat by the window, and my father sat in the middle seat. Soon, an attractive elderly lady came and sat in the seat next to him.
Playfully making small talk, she told us, "Are you the gentlemen who paid extra to sit next to a beautiful woman?"
"Yes, we are," I told her.
If I had a hat, I would have tipped it.
My father, however, was his usual self. Turning to me, he grumped, "Is it too late for a refund?”
...four…
There's a business in Japan where a person can rent a grandparent. I read about it on the internet, so it must be true.
Now, I told you THAT to tell you THIS:
My father lives with me. He's elderly, widowed, and has been diagnosed pre-Alzheimer's. A trifecta of reasons why I should cut him some slack.
On one particularly stressful day, my wife and I were worn out from dealing with him. My children and grandchildren COMBINED weren't as much trouble.
"Think I could sell him?" I joked with my beautiful wife after he finally succumbed to the medication his doctor prescribed when he’s a handful.
"You could," she told me, "but who would buy him?"
******************************
You know what’s as good as it used to be?
Nothing.
@JimDuchene
