Friday, January 27, 2012

Win A Super Bowl Super Vacation!

It's Not Too Late!
     There's Still Time To Win The All-Expenses Paid
Super Bowl Super Vacation!

Not only will you win 1st class air travel to and from the Super Bowl, but you will also receive a five day/four night stay at a luxury 5-star hotel, $5,000.00 in spending cash, and the prostitute of your choice!  Tickets on the 50 yard line?  Forget about it!  You will be the personal guest of the New York Giants or the New England Patriots (your choice) and sit in the owner's box, with full access to the VIP area where the owner's closest friends, business associates, and YOU will be well taken care of by the finest call girls money can buy.  After the game, you will join the winning quarterback--either the NFC's Eli Manning or the AFC's Tom Brady--for a well-earned soak in a jacuzzi with--no, not hookers, but--a gaggle of giggling football groupies.  Aren't you glad Tim Tebow crapped out?  Now, how do you win?
     I thought you'd never ask.
     It's easy.  All you have to do is answer the following questions, and the person with the most correct answers wins!  In case of a tie, the winner will be chosen in a random drawing, and, trust me, if my name happens to be the one chosen, I can assure you...  it was just a coincidence.
     Don't wait!  Get started now!

     1)  Who made the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs?
          a.  Eli Manning
          b.  Tom Brady
          c.  Han Solo

     2)  What does the "T" in the name James T. Kirk, Captain of the Starship Enterprise stand for?
          a.  Touchdown
          b.  Tebow
          c.  Toilet, as in: where my money goes every time I bet on the Dallas Cowboys

     3)  What is the capital of Assyria?
          a.  I don't know that!
          b.  Bo-iiing!
          c.  Auuuuuuuugh!

     4)  What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
          a.  What do you mean?
          b.  An African or European swallow?
          c.  What?  I don't know that! (Bo-iiing!)  Auuuuuuuugh!

     5)  Who was Harry Potter's real father?
          a.  James Potter
          b.  Severus Snape
          c.  Boy, that Lilly Potter sure did get around, didn't she?

Time's Running Out!
You Can't Win If You Don't Enter!

All entries must be received before the deadline.  Enter as many times as you like.  To win, send your answers to...  technical problems...  please stand by...
Fifty Shades of Funny

Thursday, January 26, 2012

The Oscar Nominations

Movie's were so bad this year that the Academy had to reach into the past to fill out all of its categories.  How bad was it?  It was so bad that Jonah Hill received a nomination for Achievements in Weight Loss.
     In a surprise move, Albert Brooks received a nomination, but not for The Driver.  Instead he received it for Finding Nemo.
     Pauly Shore surprised even the Academy with his Best Actor nomination, despite not having starred in a movie since 1984. 
     Melissa McCarthy received a nomination for her impersonation of John Belushi in the all-female remake of The Hangover.  I think she'll win the Let's-Give-It-To-The-Fat-Girl vote.
     The Help was shockingly overlooked.  Academy President, Morty Lowenstein, helpfully explained:  "There were too many black people in it.  This is a movie about the African-American experience, so where are all the Asian strippers?"  They did, however, give a nomination to one of the maids for pooping in a pie, because "that's the kind of stuff blacks do."
     An interesting sidenote:  The Help's original title was Thank God For Whitey.  The author, Kathryn Stockett, of the #1 New York Times bestseller really wanted to write only about the white characters, but was forced by her publisher to include blacks to make it a bestseller, much like Mario Puzo did with The Godfather, when he changed his story into one about an Italian mafia family, instead of his original Amish barn-raisers. 
     To fill its minority quota, the Academy decided instead to go with Spike Lee's Do The Right Thing, and gave its Achievements in Nudity nomination to Rosie Perez, as well as a nomination for Best Puerto Rican Girl Dancing During The Credits.
     Harry Potter--the 3rd biggest movie of all time-- was ignored, mainly because Hermione decided to keep her clothes on, and J.K. Rowlings decided to out Professor Doubledork.  This slight doesn't surprise me, because, basically, David Yates is a TV director who lucked into the job of directing a big-screen epic.  The only part of the movie I enjoyed is when Harry Potter gets killed at the end (Oops!  Spoiler Alert!), and reunites with Albus Doubledork in a sort of bleached-out limbo.
     "Is this Heaven?"  Harry asks.
     "No," Doubledork answers.  "I'm gay, Harry.  Do the math."
     Woody Allen's Midnight In Paris was a strong contender for Best Picture, but it lost out to Annie Hall.  "It's won before, it'll win again," said somebody high up in the Academy whose name I've already forgotten.  Woody Allen has made so many movies that he now has his own Best Movie category.
     Meryl Streep received her 17th Oscar nomination for her role as Ironman's wife in The Iron Lady, despite not having starred nude, except in my bedroom.
     The Descendants won a nomination for Best Movie About Hawaii That Didn't Feature Any Hawaiians.  George Clooney has a right to be proud of the best work he's done since Rosanne
     Alvin & The Chipmunks:  The Squeakquel  received a nomination for Achievements in Irritation.
     Cars 2 received two nominations.  One was for Most Needless Remake and the other was for We're Only In It For The Money.
     In another surprise, there were only two songs nominated in the Best Song category, and they were both by the muppets.  It's Not Easy Being Green and The Rainbow Connection.
     Steven Spielberg's Warhorse received 6 nominatons, while the Academy failed to recognize Peacehorse, about a horse who brings peace to the Middle East.
     In the Best Picture category The Green Hornet is the movie to beat, mainly because, despite having ten slots to fill, it was the only one released this year.  Green Arrow was nominated, but then quickly un-nominated, because, explained Mr. Lowenstein, "with the movie The Green Hornet and the song It's Not Easy Being Green, we've reached our quota for that particular color." 
     The list of Best Movie nominations continued with Batman Returns, Superman II, Spiderman II, Star Wars:  The Empire Srikes Back, Star Trek:  The Wrath of Kahn, Thor, Captain America, and The Avengers, which has yet to be released.  Surprisingly, none of the Twilight movies were nominated.
     "Those movies were just crap!" interjected Newt Gingrich, Republican presidential hopeful and official movie historian.
     Eddie Murphy was first signed on to host the Oscars, but angrily bowed out when he discovered that the Academy thought he was Chris Rock.  It didn't help when Bret Ratner, the director of Murphy's latest flop, pointed out that their movie, Tower Heist, would have been a hit if he had just hired Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan like he wanted to in the first place.
     "Eddie Murphy and Ben Stiller?" Bret Ratner moaned.  "What was I thinking?"
     "Maybe I should change my name to Chris," Eddie mused.
     Billy Crystal happily stepped in as host, because "I haven't worked since 1984."  Crystal should do fine, because "I plan to do the same old crap I always do."
     Academy President, Morty Lowenstein, assured everybody that Billy was always their 1st choice, but his job as manager of the Starbucks on Melrose Blvd. initially interfered with his acceptance.
     "I'm sure Billy will do a great job," Lowenstein said.  "What he has going for him is his experience.  His experience and his age.  He's older.  He's fatter.  He's balder.  He's wrinklier.  He's...
     "...does somebody want to remind me why we hired him, again?"

Fifty Shades of Funny

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Mayor Cook's Gay Conundrum

I was on the corner of Walk/Don't Walk, sitting in my car, and waiting for the light to change.  It wasn't so bad.  I was being entertained by a homeless beggar who was playing the guitar, dancing a jig, and holding out a tin cup.  Somehow all at the same time.  He was also holding up a sign.  On it was a cartoon picture of the Cryptkeeper.  Underneath, scrawled in the handwriting of an illiterate child, were the words:  "Will legislate for food."  And then it hit me...
     "Mayor Cook?  Is that you?"
     It was none other than John Cook, the mayor of El Paso.  He seemed genuinely happy to see me.
     "Hiya, Joe!"
     "It's Jim."
     "What are you doing begging on a street corner?"
     "I'm not begging.  I'm collecting donations for my legal defense fund.  This Pastor Brown recall brou-ha-ha has really put me in the hole."
     The stoplight turned green, but there was no one behind me, so I put on my four-way flashers and continued to talk with the mayor.
     "I've even got my wife collecting for me," he told me.  "Why, the other morning she came home after a hard night of fund-raising and I asked her:  'How much did you collect?'  And she said:  'Twenty dollars and ten cents.'  And I said:  'Ten cents?  Who gave you the ten cents?'  And she said:  'All of them.'"
     With that he laughed a good old laugh.
     "So, how much are you in the hole for?"  I asked him.  The mayor was looking up and down the street,  craning his neck, but there was nary a car to be seen.  Only an idiot would have chosen this corner to beg for money on.  The people in charge of promoting El Paso to tourists and businesses must have chosen it for him.
     "One hundred thousand dollars!"
     "One hundred thousand dollars?"
     "Well, sixteen thousand two hundred twelve dollars and ten cents to be exact, but that's no matter, because I've got a plan.  Do you want to know what my plan is, Joe?"
     "It's Jim."
     "What's your plan, Mr. Mayor?"
     "Parking meters.  I'm going to put parking meters all up and down Cincinnati Street.  The money they raise will go toward my legal defense fees.  Who knows, I might even have enough left over to go out of town during our next city emergency."
     "Is that a fact?"  I said.
     "That's a fact," he said.  "Another idea I have is replacing all the parking meters Downtown with electronic ones that expire as soon as you walk away from your car.  And, finally, I'm hoping voters will approve City Manager Joyce Wilson's $500 million Quality of Life Bond in the next election.  $500 million will go a long way toward improving the quality of my life."
     "Well, Mr. Mayor, I don't think the citizens of El Paso should have to foot your legals bills."
     "If not them, then who?  If not now, then when?  If not here, then where?  If not what, then why?"
     "How about the gay city employees you tried to give marriage benefits to?  In fact, the whole gay comunity should be supporting you, financially and otherwise, but I haven't heard a peep out of them, and I'm sure you haven't either.  Realistically, you could lose your job because you went against the voters to support a group of people who aren't supporting you."
     "They can't do it.  They're busy."
     "Doing what?"
     "Avoiding my phone calls.  But it's just as well.  I don't like to impose."
     I could see a car behind me in the distance.  The light had just turned yellow.  I turned off my four-way flashers.  I was going to have leave at the next green light. 
     My attention came back to the mayor.  He was nonchalantly whistling and shaking his tin cup in front of me.  The few coins inside rattled around noisily.  I reached into my wallet.
     "Do you have change for a twenty?"  I asked him, as I held out the bill.
     "Of course," he answered, and snatched the bill out of my hand.  He stuffed it into his front pocket faster than Michelle Obama working on a plate of ribs.
     "Uh..." I said, when no change was forthcoming.
     "Don't worry.  It's tax deductable."
     "It is?"
     The car that pulled up behind me was a police car.  The officer turned on his emergency lights and got out.  The mayor looked pleased.
     "Ah, I see my ride's here."  To the officer he said:  "You're right on time, officer.  I have an appointment Downtown."
     "You sure do," the officer said, as he hand-cuffed the mayor's hands behind his back, and made sure the mayor didn't bump his head as he helped him into the back seat of the police cruiser.
     "Seeya, Joe," Mayor Cook called out to me as he was driven away.
     "It's Jim."

Fifty Shades of Funny

Breaking News

     Rick Perry has dropped out of the presidential race.  That's too bad.  Just when he finally was showing some leadership qualities by standing up for those four Marines who are accused of marking their territories on dead enemy combatants.  Something I haven't heard any of the other presidential hopefuls do.
     The Republican Party, upon hearing the news, told the Texas Governor:  "Don't let the door hit'cha where the good Lord split'cha, amigo." 
     On his way out, Perry was kind enough to throw his support behind Newt Gingrich,
     "Thanks," Newt said.  "...for nothing."
     When I asked him what his biggest mistake was, Rick Perry answered:  "I never should have made Italian cruiseship captain, Francesco Schettino, my campaign manager."
     Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta  and former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi visited El Paso this past week.  Somewhere--in a galaxy far, far away--Yoda clutched his chest as he felt a disturbance in The Force.
     While in town, Leon Panetta explained how President Obama is cutting $500 billion from the military's budget, but that there was no reason to worry. 
     "This administration," he said, "will shape a future force that will continue to be the strongest military in the world.  That is, as long as we don't actually have to fight anyone."
     Nancy Pelosi, on the other hand, gave it to us straight. 
     "The truth is...  you're screwed," she cackled, and then ran off with several first-born sons for a future rib dinner with First Lady Michelle Obama.
     And, speaking of the Obamas, the President has hauled in more than $68 million for his campaign during the final months of 2011.  A show of force that allows him to take his wife on as many damn vacations as she wants.
     A Florida high school principal, George Kenney, stands accused of using hypnosis on two students before they, independently of each other, committed suicide last year.
      "Did you take any inappropriate pictures of these students?" asked the judge.
     "No," Mr. Kenney answered.
     "Did you sexually molest them?"
     "Then you're free to go."
     Mexican Immigration officials report they have returned 70 Guatemalan  squatters to their home country. 
     "For citizens of one country to illegally enter another, and for them to think they have a right to live there and steal jobs and use up that country's resources, that is intollerable," a Mexican official said.  "Unless it's Mexicans sneaking into America, of course."
     Iran's leader, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, visited with the Castro brothers, President Raul and Fidel, during an ass-kissing trip to Cuba.  They passed the time criticizing America, watching the Twilight movies, and arguing over who has the best facial hair. 
     In a speech he gave to Congress, President Obama said that the government must change, and stressed how the United States needed to cut taxes, cut spending, and cut its debt.
     "And in order to do this," he said, "I'm requesting we increase the U.S. debt by another $1.2 trillion."
     Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta assured his Muslim friends that there will be a full inquiry on the Marines accused of unrinating on Taliban fighters whom they killed in a firefight.  Afghan President Hamid Karzai, putting down the rusty lid of a tin can, paused in the middle of performing a female circumcision on his five year-old granddaughter, and showed his appreciation to Secretary Panetta by bending over and telling him:  "Now you may kiss the other cheek."
     Lotto winner, Leroy Flick of Bay City, known for receiving food stamps even after receiving his winnings, was sent to jail for possession of painkillers without a prescription. 
     "I may be richer," he explained, "but that doesn't make me smarter."
     The death of a French journalist in Syria brought new calls for...  wait.  He was from France?  Nevermind.
     U.N. nuclear team will come to Tehran on January 28th for talks on limiting Iran's nuclear capabilities.
     "That's right," President Ahmadinejadwas quoted as saying.  "Keep on talking."
Fifty Shades of Funny


Saturday, January 14, 2012

Rick Perry Facts (part one)

Rick Perry is keeping a low profile these days.  He's afraid he'll run out of feet to insert into his mouth.  But that's no way to run a possible presidential campaign.  You can't tippy-toe your way into the highest office in the land. 
     It's hard to believe that a campaign that started out so strong, fell apart so quickly.  It fell apart faster than Obama's promise to fix the economy.  How did this happen?  Because Rick Perry opened his pie-hole.  If he had just kept quiet, then we would all still think of him as a stoic man of intelligence and wisdom.  Now we just think of him as the rodeo clown sent in to distract the bulls. 
     Let me put it this way:  when Ron Paul beats you...  you ain't doing too good, cowboy.
     It isn't just that he thinks of my hometown of El Paso as some kind of third-world war-zone.  It's that he doesn't think at all.  He ignores us, and it's easy for him to ignore us, because I truly believe he thinks El Paso isn't a part of Texas, but, instead, a part of New Mexico (Do you know why El Paso is so windy?  Because New Mexico sucks, and Texas blows.). 
     But what does anybody really know about Rick Perry, other than when he puts more than two words together his poll numbers go down?
     I'm glad you asked.

Rick Perry once asked me what "yield" meant, I said "go slow," and he said "Whaaaaat doeeeees yieeeeeld meeeeean?"
Rick Perry has to go into the cellar to have a deep thought.
Rick Perry once brought his fishing rod to a car pool.
Rick Perry thinks "eyeball" is a sport.
Rick Perry once went to Burger King to see royalty.
Rick Perry thinks an IUD is the charge for drunk driving.
Rick Perry once took toilet paper to a crap game.
Rick Perry once climbed a glass wall to see what was on the other side.
Rick Perry  broke his leg trying to do wheelies on a unicycle.
Rick Perry can get lost riding an elevator.
Rick Perry took the Pepsi challenge...  and chose Jiff.
Rick Perry was once driving, saw a sign that said "draw bridge," and so he took out a paper and a pencil.
In college, Rick Perry thought chicken pot pie was a fraternity.
Rick Perry once tried to wake up a sleeping bag.
When he worked at a restaurant a black man once asked him for crackers for his soup, and Rick Perry brought him four white guys.
Rick Perry thinks your briefcase is where you keep your underwear.
When Rick Perry was born, his mother should have been arrested for smuggling dope.
Rick Perry needs a recipe to make ice cubes.
Rick Perry stands up on an empty bus.
Rick Perry brought his ladder to a Giants game.
Rick Perry spells farm e-i-e-i-o.
On the way to the airport, Rick Perry saw a sign that said "Airport Left," so he went home.
On a job application, where it asks who to contact in case of an emergency, Rick Perry puts "911."
Rick Perry once brought a spoon to the Super Bowl.
Every time Rick Perry's at a traffic light that says "don't walk," he runs.
On his birthday, Rick Perry once lit a match to see if he blew out all the candles.
When he was told to take the number 4 bus, Rick Perry took the number 2 bus twice.
Rick Perry got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away the Ws.
Rick Perry is so dull he can make the lights dim.
Rick Perry once tried to change the channel on a TV dinner.
When he was asked what the Board of Education was, Rick Perry said it was a piece of lumber.
Rick Perry once asked me what letter came after x.  I said "y," and he said "Because I want to know."
Rick Perry once went to a restaurant for an Order of Protection.
Rick Perry needed money for gas, so he sold his car.
Rick Perry needs directions for toilet paper.
I once yelled "Duck!" during a shoot-out, and Rick Perry went "Quack-quack."
If I gave Rick Perry a penny for his thoughts, I'd have change coming back.
Rick Perry almost strangled himself with a cordless phone.
When Rick Perry was in the Army, he thought the infantry was for babies.
Rick Perry thinks soul food is dinner for one.
Rick Perry thinks the institution of marriage is a college.
Rick Perry was once told to speak up, so he started yelling at the sky.
Rick Perry once robbed a bank, and tried to hide in a police car.
Rick Perry needs a tutor to tie his shoes.
Rick Perry laces his shoes with spaghetti so he can eat and run.
I once told Rick Perry to chill, and he got into the refridgerator.
When Rick Perry sees a sign that says Wet Floor...  he does.
Rick Perry once saw the YMCA, and he said:  "Look!  They mispelled Macys."
Rick Perry once asked me how to spell AT&T.
Rick Perry once stole a car, and kept up the payments.
If brains were lard, Rick Perry couldn't grease a skillet.
Rick Perry puts water on his chest for heartburn.
Rick Perry goes to the zoo to buy Christmas seals.
Rick Perry was afraid he'd have to put his kids in rehab, because they were hooked on phonics.
Rick Perry thinks menopause is a button on his 8-track.
Rick Perry thinks the Last Supper is when a family runs out of food stamps.

     So good luck in South Carolina, Governor Perry.
     You're gonna need it.

Fifty Shades of Funny


Friday, January 13, 2012

The Noble Cow

On a recent trip to India, I made the mistake of poking a cow in the ribs and joking:  "Michele Obama would love you." 
     The group of starving children standing nearby overheard, and reported me to the ICP.  The ICP I'm referring to is the India Cow Police, and not the Insane Clown Posse they're often mistaken for.  Juggalos from across the United States trek to India every year, only to be disappointed to discover that The Great Malenko is nowhere to be found.
     But I digress...
     The ICP politely asked me to leave.  I just as politely refused.  I was there as a part of a combination Doctors Without Borders/court ordered community service.  I knew that, as a culture, India considers the cow to be sacred, but I didn't think they were really serious about it.  Kind of like American girls getting married in white. 
     I'm sorry, but cows aren't holy.  They shouldn't be worshipped, or held sacred.  However, they should be respected.  Why?  Because they're delicious.  Why would a whole country rather starve than eat beef?  Vegans, too, for that matter. 
     My 3rd ex-wife was a vegan.  An extremely fat vegan.  In fact, to be honest, she was the fattest vegan I had ever seen.  She wasn't fat when I married her, but when she gained a husband, she lost a diet.  She wasn't fat from eating soybeans and brussel sprouts.  She was fat from all the sauces and syrups and gravies she put on her vegan food.  Why all the condiments?  Because vegan food stinks.  If vegan food is so good, then why do they try to make it taste like meat? 
     When we divorced, she became a lesbian.  I guess she was a meat-eater, after all.
     In Portland, vegans put a fried egg on everything they eat.  "Crack an egg on that," they'll say to their salad engineer.
     "Doesn't that defeat the purpose of being a vegan?" I once asked a Portland man.  I was sitting next to him in a Portland vegetarian bar & grill.
     "Not in Portland, man," he grooved. "Not in Portland."
     My current wife also loves vegan food, so I guess I'm forced to love it, too.*
     On a side note, I find it amusing that vegans and the members of PETA are against the killing of animals, but are in favor of killing any baby who is snuggling comfortably in its mother's womb.  Their heroes must be the Japanese soldiers who ate vegetables and rice... and murdered innocent Chinese babies during World War II.  That leads me to believe that one way we can end abortions is to have fetuses declared an endangered species.
     As for cows, they're the furthest thing from being endangered.  We have more cows in America than in India.  Do you know why?  It's because they're delicious.  They are an important food source, so we value them.  What better purpose does a living thing have than to give its life so another can live?  Like a Marine throwing himself on a grenade to save his buddies, or my fourth wife dying in a freak accident so that I could collect on the insurance policy I had on her.
     I can't help it if I'm lucky.
     Not only cows, but ALL the animals we eat here in the United States are treated well. In fact, they get treated better than we treat our homeless.  They get free food and a nice place to stay.  We build barns and corrals and shelters for them.  We protect them from the elements and predators who would otherwise eat them.  When they're sick, they get free medical care.  They have better health insurance than I do.  When a cow has a baby, there's always a cow doctor there to tell someone to go boil some water. 
     Cows aren't given menial jobs to do, either, the way dogs are.  Cows aren't trained to sit or fetch or fix the transmissions of our cars.  Cows are weak.  They can't out-think anyone.  They can't out-run anyone.  They can't out-fight anyone, except, perhaps, for the male cast members of Glee
     Cute baby cows may get taken away from their mothers to be turned into veal, but that's only because they're even more delicious than a full grown cow.  And a full grown cow is mighty delicious, let me tell you.
     So, let me ask all you vegans out there, what would you rather eat:  A cow or a vegetable?**  A cow or a fruit?***  A cow or a baby?****  Who would you rather have been crucified:  A cow or Jesus?*****
     Yeah, that's what I thought.

*My favorite vegetable is the hot dog.
**And, by vegetable, I mean Terri Shaivo.
***And, by fruit, I'm talking about the male cast members of Glee.
****And, by baby, I'm talking about a Fatburger.
*****Really? You'd rather have a cow as your Lord and Saviour? The next time you need help, try praying to a cow.******
******And, by cow, I mean Rosie O'Donnell.

Fifty Shades of Funny

Friday, January 6, 2012

Rick Perry Facts (part two)

Now that Iowa has told Texas Governor Rick Perry (a.k.a. the man who would be President):  "How can we miss you if you won't go away?", Rick Perry has set his sights on South Carolina, because that is the state where his political aspirations will be made or broken.  At least according to various political experts.  The very experts, I might add, who advised Coca Cola to replace Classic Coke with New Coke.
     There's an old Texas saying:  "When the going gets tough, the tough get going," and that's exactly what Rick Perry did when he came in fifth in the Iowa caucuses.  He got going.  Back to Texas.  Where he considered quitting.  Fortunately, he was talked out of quitting, and, eventually, he was also talked down off the ledge he was standing on.
     When I think of Rick Perry, I think about all of his accomplishments.
     Let me list a few:

It takes Rick Perry an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.
They had to burn down his elementary school to get Rick Perry out of the fifth grade.
It takes Rick Perry an hour to cook Minute Rice.
Rick Perry was once in a courtroom, and when the judge said:  "Order in the court!", he said:  "I'll have a Big Mac with an order of fries."
Rick Perry thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company.
If Rick Perry ever spoke his mind...  he'd be speechless.
Rick Perry thinks a lawsuit is what you wear to court.
Rick Perry once took his wife to the baker for a yeast infection.
Rick Perry was so bad in school, he couldn't even pass the blood test.
Rick Perry thinks Beirut was a famous home run hitter.
Rick Perry thinks a hot meal is food that was stolen.
Rick Perry once asked his wife what jeans she had on, she said Guess, and he went:  "Hmmm...  Levis?"
Rick Perry wanted to get in the headlines, so he stood on the newspaper.
Rick Perry once snuck on a bus, and paid to get off.
Rick Perry wanted to become a serial killer, so he tried to kill Captain Crunch.
Rick Perry thinks Federal Express is the fourth branch of the government.
Rick Perry once asked for a price check at the dollar store.
Rick Perry went to a Los Angeles Clippers game to get a haircut.
On job applications, where it says "sign here" Rick Perry always writes "Capricorn."
Rick Perry thought Boyz II Men was an urban day-care center.
Rick Perry thought he needed a token to get on the Soul Train.
Rick Perry once sat in a tree so he could call himself a branch manager.
In a fit of desperation Rick Perry tried to drown himself in a car pool.
Rick Perry has to leave his zipper open to count to ten and a half.
In kindergarten, Rick Perry failed finger-painting.
Rick Perry once had a nightmare while day-dreaming.
Rick Perry has a memory like an Etch-A-Sketch.  When he shakes his head, he forgets everything.
Once, when Rick Perry was crossing the street, the streetlight changed to Don't Walk, so he stopped...  and got hit by a car.
Rick Perry waits eight days for next week.
Rick Perry dials 411 to get the number for 911.
Rick Perry once got hit by a parked car.
Rick Perry once got locked overnight in a grocery store...  and almost died of starvation.
Rick Perry thinks racism is an Olympic event.
Rick Perry thinks he has to go to the library to get a book of matches.
Rick Perry knows nothing about sports.  He thinks a quarterback is a refund.
Rick Perry once got stabbed in a gunfight.
Rick Perry's brain cells are on the endangered species list.
Rick Perry once went to a fruit stand because he wanted to meet Darryl Strawberry.
Rick Perry took a word out of context, and felt bad for not putting it back.
His mother once asked him to go to the store to buy a color TV, and Rick Perry asked:  "What color?"
Rick Perry trips over cordless phones.
Rick Perry has to ask how to spell UPS.
Rick Perry once tried to dial 911, but he couldn't find 11 on the phone.
Rick Perry once climbed on the roof of a bar because the bartender told him drinks were on the house.
On applications, where it says "don't write below the line," Rick Perry writes "okay."
When he was told the weather was chilly, Rick Perry ran outside with a spoon.
If brains were money...  Rick Perry would need a loan to ride the bus.

     I hope these facts about the Governor of Texas are helpful to voters in the coming caucuses.  My guess is that the message they'll be sending with their vote is:
     "Come back when you can't stay so long."
Fifty Shades of Funny


Hu's On First

President Obama's first trip to China, although being a complete and wonderful success where we got everything we wanted and some chop suey besides, also had its amusing moments as well.  Here is an edited transcript of Obama's private meeting with Chinese President Hu:
     Obama (sitting down):  "I'm sorry, but all your Chinese names sure have got me confused.  You'll have to forgive me, sir, but you are...  who?"
     Hu (already seated):  "Yes."
     "Yes, what?"
     "Yes, I am."
     "Yes, you are who?"
     "That's right."
     "What's right?"
     "I am Hu."
     "That's what I'm asking you."
     "No, you're not asking Yu.  You're asking me.  Hu."
     "I'm asking who?"
     "That's right."
     "What's right?"
     "You're asking Hu."
     "That's the problem.  I don't know who.  I'm sorry, but let me ask this straight out:  who are you?"
     "Yes, Hu am I."
     "Why are you asking me?  Let me put this another way:  I came here to apologize to the President of China, so who do I bow to?"
     "Yes, Hu you will bow to."
     "I've already told you, I don't know who I will bow to."
     "You will bow to me."
     "I will bow to you?"
     "No, you will not bow to Yu.  You will bow to me."
     "Why would I bow to you?  Well, that's it.  I've had enough.  I'm sorry, but I'm leaving.  All the same it was a pleasure meeting you."
     "How many times do I have to say it?  I am not Yu.  I am Hu.  President Hu."
     "Wait a minute, wait a minute.  Oh, I get it now.  You're President Hu, not who.  Well, I'm pleased to meet you, President Hu.  I'm Barack Obama."
     "Yes, Obama."
     "Ooooh...  what a funny name."
Fifty Shades of Humor

Monday, January 2, 2012

2011: The Year In Review

2011 was an amazing year.  It was the year that Justin Bieber began dating Selena Gomez, because, you see, he likes girls.  No, really...  he likes girls.  He really, really, REALLY likes girls.  Didn't you see the pictures of the two of them stealing romantic kisses on the beach that they accidentally leaked to the media.  The only kiss that seemed more real and passionate was the one between Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley on MTV.
     On the political scene, President Obama is going for the Guiness world record for most vacations taken by an American President while in office.  "There are brighter days ahead," he was quoted as saying in People Magazine.  "Not for you.  For me."
     Prince William married Kate Middleton in England.  Some say her siter Pippa stole the show, but in my opinion it was Prince Charles for showing up to the wedding with his pet horse.
     Kim Kardashian also got married.  To Kris Humphries.  Yeah, I didn't know who he was, either.  However, the marriage was doomed from the start, because Kim was never really over her first true love:  herself.
     In a related story, Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones are still married.  Despite old age and his battle with cancer, Michael is still hanging in there.  Yeah, his wife can't believe it either.
     Titanic actress, Kate Winslet, saved a 90 year-old lady from a house fire.  "I wasn't going to do it," Kate explained, "until I found out she was the mother of a billionaire."
     Amanda Knox was exonerated, Dr. Conrad Murray was disgraced, Casey Anthoney was acquited, and Jerry Sandusky was accused.  If you think there's a joke here, you'd be mistaken.
     Oprah Winfrey said goodbye to her long-running TV show, while Regis Philbin's long-running TV show said goodbye to him.  Mary Hart, Katie Couric, Meredith Vieira, and Susan Lucci also all said goodbye to their TV paychecks.  "It sure sucks getting old," they were all overheard saying as they were escorted out of the building.
     Among all of Lindsay Lohan's personal and legal problems this year, you had to count among the top her posing nude for Playboy Magazine.  The problem wasn't that she posed nude.  The problem was that someone had photo-shopped her head onto the body of an old, out of shape woman, and those were the photos that were published.  In a related story, a feud erupted between Lindsay Lohan and Betty White, when Ms.White discovered it was her body that was used.
     Speaking of feuds, there was also a massive feud between Kelly Osbourne and Christina Aguilera, and, by massive, I mean fat.
     Fat French has-been, Gerard Depardieu, made the news this year by urinating into a bottle inside of an Air France flight from Paris to Dublin.  When asked why he decided to relieve himself in the middle of the cabin, he explained:  "I thought I was already in Dublin."
     Comedy queen, Melissa McCarthy became a big star this year when she stole the show in a hit movie called Bridesmaids.  And, by big, I mean fat.
     Adam Sandler dressed up as his own sister in the Hollywood flop Jack & Jill.  Something, I hear, that other Hollywood Scientologists like to do on a regular basis.
     Emma Stone broke out as a star in the movie The Help, which was based on the #1 bestselling novel.  It was another typical Hollywood story where the white people save the black people.  Thank God for white people.
     Zumba, the sexy Latin dance workout became a hit at gyms around the country.  Mostly, it was a hit with the guys in the gym who liked to watch the girls dress in tight spandex and bounce up and down.
     Paul McCartney got married for the third time.  He married American businesswoman, Nancy Shevell.  Their first dance as a married couple was to the old Beatle's hit The Long And Winding Road...  to ruin.  When asked why, at such an advanced age, he would want to get married yet again, Sir Paul lovingly said:  "I like taffy."
     Mariah Carey had twins with her husband, Nick Cannon.  As they held their twins up for the world to see, Nick proudly beamed:  "Don't they look just like their daddy?" 
     "And that would be...?" Mariah wondered aloud, just out of earshot.
     It's hard to believe that Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore split up.  On second thought, I've seen recent pictures of the 49 year-old former actress.  Maybe it's not so hard to believe, after all.
     Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony also divorced.  The way I heard it is like this:  One morning she woke up, looked at Marc Anthony sleeping next to her, and thought to herself:  Hey, I just remembered...  I'm JENNIFER LOPEZ!
     Cameron Diaz and Alex Rodriguez broke up.  Cameron Diaz has been dumped by so many guys Jennifer Anniston laughs at her.
     Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver sadly split up when Maria discovered that the former Governor of California had fathered an illegitimate child with their maid.  When Maria demanded to know why, Arnold handed her a mirror.
     Inspired by the Arab Spring, the Occupy Wall Street movement became big for a time here in the U.S.  Sadly, they all dispersed before the government could detonate the bomb.
     The final Harry Potter movie was released this year...  and if you think I'm gonna say anything bad about Harry Potter, you'd be wrong.  I promised my little girl.
     Natalie Portman won the Oscar for Best Actress, and accepted the award while obviously pregnant and definitely unwed.  "This almost makes up for my boyfriend refusing to marry me," she said.
      In entertainment news, the only important thing occurred in the music industry when David Bowie once again disappointed fans by not releasing any new music this past year.     
     It was a victory for gay marriage when New York became the largest state in the union to legalize same-sex marriage.  NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg was enthusiastically for it.  "That's why I live in a gated community," he said.
     In a related story, Tom Cruise and John Travolta are both still happily married to their respective wives.  No, really... they're happily married.  I mean really, really, REALLY happily married.
     2011 came to an end without the Republicans having a decent front runner for next year's presidential elections.
     For that matter, neither do the Democrats.
     And that was the year that was.
     (And, by was, I mean fat.)

Fifty Shades of Funny

2011: The Dead In Review

I guess the most notable name on my list of the recently deceased is Steve Jobs, 56, entrepreneur and inventor.  You can say, without exaggeration, that his vision changed the world.  So, thanks, Steve.  Thanks for making me look bad in front of my wife and kids.
Cy Twombly, 83, artist.
You might have actually heard of him if he had changed his name to something people could remember.
Betty Ford, 93, First Lady.
I remember our time in rehab together during the late 70's and early 80's.  She introduced me to the band Duran Duran, and broke my heart the night she left me to date the Dallas Cowboys.
Franklin Kameny, 86, gay-rights activist.
Died during an emergency addadictomy procedure.
Amy Winehouse, 27, singer and songwriter.
I can't tell you how incredibly sad I was when I found out Amy Winehouse had died.  I can't tell you, because I made a fortune having her on my Dead Pool list.
Jack LaLanne, 96, fitness expert.
Too bad he wasn't a "living forever" expert.
Thought you were gonna live forever, didn't you, old man?
Sidney Lumet, 87, film director.
I'll always be grateful to Sidney for talking Marisa Tomei into doing those nude scenes.
Andy Rooney, 92, broadcaster.
I could say what a great man Andy Rooney was...  but I'd be lying.
Sargent Shriver, 95, statesman.
"Statesman" is another way of saying you and I supported him with our tax dollars.  He would have gone further in his political career if he had the foresight to change his name to General Shriver.
"Smoking" Joe Frazier, 67, boxer.
He beat Cassius Clay so bad in the ring that Clay changed his name to Muhammad Ali and joined the Witness Protection Program.  Now that Frazier's dead, I can make fun of him all I want.  You're next, Mike Tyson!
Nancy Wake, 94, spy.
Do you know what they called a female spy in 1942?  "Easy."
Geraldine Ferraro, 75, politician.
In 1984, she made history when she became the first woman vice-presidential nominee for the Democratic Party.  Sadly, she was over-shadowed by her running mate, Walter Mondale, who was the first female presidential nominee.  When she lost, she became one of MTV's most popular V-jays, and could usually be found on the dancefloor with Mick Jagger at Studio 54.
Al Davis, 82, Oakland Raiders owner.
If I was into sports, I'd probably care more.  Then again, probably not.
Nick Ashford, 70, musician and songwriter.
You know, the guy from the great soul duo of Ashford & Simpson!  Yeah, I don't remember him, either.
Peter Falk, 83, actor.
I once ran into him in El Paso.  He was standing outside of a Chico's Tacos smoking a cigarette.  I went up to him to get his autograph, and called out:  "Hey, Columbo!"  He flicked his cigarette angrily at me.  My feelings were hurt, but then I realized that that was even better than getting his autograph.
Fred Shuttlesworth, 89, civil rights leader.
God must really hate us, otherwise why would he leave Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson alive?
Wangari Maathai, 71, environmental activist from Africa.
In english, her name translates to "Save The Forest/Kill The White Man."
Gil Scott-Heron, 62, poet.
He was a poet, so he died broke.
Shammi Kapoor, 80, actor.
Famous Bollywood star from India.  Did you know that cows are sacred in India?  That would kind of explain how this Kapoor guy ever became a star.
Warren Christopher, 85, Secretary of State.
He won the confidences of Democratic presidents from Johnson to Carter to Clinton.  He failed at gaining the release of American hostages in Iran, he failed at bringing parties to peace in the Middle East, and he failed at bringing the Balkans to charting the U.S. foreign policy after the Cold War.  In politics, you don't fail downward...  you fail up.
Colonel Muammar Gaddafi and Osama bin Laden.
I have nothing but respect for these two slain Muslim leaders...  and I'm not just saying that because of my fear of a Muslim fatwa.
Heavy D, 44, rapper.
Do you know what they call a dead rapper?  A good start.  Speaking of rappers, do you know why rappers like their bee-yotches with big boo-tays?  They need someplace to hide their guns and drugs.
Patrice O'Neal, 41, comedian.
He was a big name in the entertainment industry, and, by big, I mean fat.
Harry Morgan, 96, actor.
You might remember him from his popular role as Colonel Harry Potter in the classic TV show MASH.  Or you might not remember him at all.  I'm guessing the latter.
James Arness, 88, actor.
He brought Marshall Matt Dillon to life in the TV series Gunsmoke.  He was the roughest, toughest cowboy alive.  I never did believe those ugly rumors about him and his horse.
Bubba Smith, 66, NFL player and actor.
An actor?  Really?
Jane Russell, 89, actress.
Jane Russell became a famous movie star for two incredibly big reasons.  And, the older she got, the heavier, hairier, and closer to the ground those reasons became.
Hilary Clinton's mother also died this past year.  I'd tell you her name, but, to tell the truth, I really don't care enough to go to all the trouble of finding out what it is.  These days, we live in a society where being related to, or even just knowing, a celebrity makes you a celebrity yourself.  Keep reading my blog, and I'll let you know when Hilary's make-up person goes blind.
And, finally, Elizabeth Taylor, 79, actress.
She was once the most beautiful woman in the world.  I'd be heartbroken, except for the fact that I thought she died years ago from a stroke or an accident or something.

Fifty Shades of Funny