Friday, January 6, 2012

Rick Perry Facts (part two)

Now that Iowa has told Texas Governor Rick Perry (a.k.a. the man who would be President):  "How can we miss you if you won't go away?", Rick Perry has set his sights on South Carolina, because that is the state where his political aspirations will be made or broken.  At least according to various political experts.  The very experts, I might add, who advised Coca Cola to replace Classic Coke with New Coke.
     There's an old Texas saying:  "When the going gets tough, the tough get going," and that's exactly what Rick Perry did when he came in fifth in the Iowa caucuses.  He got going.  Back to Texas.  Where he considered quitting.  Fortunately, he was talked out of quitting, and, eventually, he was also talked down off the ledge he was standing on.
     When I think of Rick Perry, I think about all of his accomplishments.
     Let me list a few:

It takes Rick Perry an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.
They had to burn down his elementary school to get Rick Perry out of the fifth grade.
It takes Rick Perry an hour to cook Minute Rice.
Rick Perry was once in a courtroom, and when the judge said:  "Order in the court!", he said:  "I'll have a Big Mac with an order of fries."
Rick Perry thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company.
If Rick Perry ever spoke his mind...  he'd be speechless.
Rick Perry thinks a lawsuit is what you wear to court.
Rick Perry once took his wife to the baker for a yeast infection.
Rick Perry was so bad in school, he couldn't even pass the blood test.
Rick Perry thinks Beirut was a famous home run hitter.
Rick Perry thinks a hot meal is food that was stolen.
Rick Perry once asked his wife what jeans she had on, she said Guess, and he went:  "Hmmm...  Levis?"
Rick Perry wanted to get in the headlines, so he stood on the newspaper.
Rick Perry once snuck on a bus, and paid to get off.
Rick Perry wanted to become a serial killer, so he tried to kill Captain Crunch.
Rick Perry thinks Federal Express is the fourth branch of the government.
Rick Perry once asked for a price check at the dollar store.
Rick Perry went to a Los Angeles Clippers game to get a haircut.
On job applications, where it says "sign here" Rick Perry always writes "Capricorn."
Rick Perry thought Boyz II Men was an urban day-care center.
Rick Perry thought he needed a token to get on the Soul Train.
Rick Perry once sat in a tree so he could call himself a branch manager.
In a fit of desperation Rick Perry tried to drown himself in a car pool.
Rick Perry has to leave his zipper open to count to ten and a half.
In kindergarten, Rick Perry failed finger-painting.
Rick Perry once had a nightmare while day-dreaming.
Rick Perry has a memory like an Etch-A-Sketch.  When he shakes his head, he forgets everything.
Once, when Rick Perry was crossing the street, the streetlight changed to Don't Walk, so he stopped...  and got hit by a car.
Rick Perry waits eight days for next week.
Rick Perry dials 411 to get the number for 911.
Rick Perry once got hit by a parked car.
Rick Perry once got locked overnight in a grocery store...  and almost died of starvation.
Rick Perry thinks racism is an Olympic event.
Rick Perry thinks he has to go to the library to get a book of matches.
Rick Perry knows nothing about sports.  He thinks a quarterback is a refund.
Rick Perry once got stabbed in a gunfight.
Rick Perry's brain cells are on the endangered species list.
Rick Perry once went to a fruit stand because he wanted to meet Darryl Strawberry.
Rick Perry took a word out of context, and felt bad for not putting it back.
His mother once asked him to go to the store to buy a color TV, and Rick Perry asked:  "What color?"
Rick Perry trips over cordless phones.
Rick Perry has to ask how to spell UPS.
Rick Perry once tried to dial 911, but he couldn't find 11 on the phone.
Rick Perry once climbed on the roof of a bar because the bartender told him drinks were on the house.
On applications, where it says "don't write below the line," Rick Perry writes "okay."
When he was told the weather was chilly, Rick Perry ran outside with a spoon.
If brains were money...  Rick Perry would need a loan to ride the bus.

     I hope these facts about the Governor of Texas are helpful to voters in the coming caucuses.  My guess is that the message they'll be sending with their vote is:
     "Come back when you can't stay so long."
Fifty Shades of Funny


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