Monday, January 2, 2012

2011: The Year In Review

2011 was an amazing year.  It was the year that Justin Bieber began dating Selena Gomez, because, you see, he likes girls.  No, really...  he likes girls.  He really, really, REALLY likes girls.  Didn't you see the pictures of the two of them stealing romantic kisses on the beach that they accidentally leaked to the media.  The only kiss that seemed more real and passionate was the one between Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley on MTV.
     On the political scene, President Obama is going for the Guiness world record for most vacations taken by an American President while in office.  "There are brighter days ahead," he was quoted as saying in People Magazine.  "Not for you.  For me."
     Prince William married Kate Middleton in England.  Some say her siter Pippa stole the show, but in my opinion it was Prince Charles for showing up to the wedding with his pet horse.
     Kim Kardashian also got married.  To Kris Humphries.  Yeah, I didn't know who he was, either.  However, the marriage was doomed from the start, because Kim was never really over her first true love:  herself.
     In a related story, Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones are still married.  Despite old age and his battle with cancer, Michael is still hanging in there.  Yeah, his wife can't believe it either.
     Titanic actress, Kate Winslet, saved a 90 year-old lady from a house fire.  "I wasn't going to do it," Kate explained, "until I found out she was the mother of a billionaire."
     Amanda Knox was exonerated, Dr. Conrad Murray was disgraced, Casey Anthoney was acquited, and Jerry Sandusky was accused.  If you think there's a joke here, you'd be mistaken.
     Oprah Winfrey said goodbye to her long-running TV show, while Regis Philbin's long-running TV show said goodbye to him.  Mary Hart, Katie Couric, Meredith Vieira, and Susan Lucci also all said goodbye to their TV paychecks.  "It sure sucks getting old," they were all overheard saying as they were escorted out of the building.
     Among all of Lindsay Lohan's personal and legal problems this year, you had to count among the top her posing nude for Playboy Magazine.  The problem wasn't that she posed nude.  The problem was that someone had photo-shopped her head onto the body of an old, out of shape woman, and those were the photos that were published.  In a related story, a feud erupted between Lindsay Lohan and Betty White, when Ms.White discovered it was her body that was used.
     Speaking of feuds, there was also a massive feud between Kelly Osbourne and Christina Aguilera, and, by massive, I mean fat.
     Fat French has-been, Gerard Depardieu, made the news this year by urinating into a bottle inside of an Air France flight from Paris to Dublin.  When asked why he decided to relieve himself in the middle of the cabin, he explained:  "I thought I was already in Dublin."
     Comedy queen, Melissa McCarthy became a big star this year when she stole the show in a hit movie called Bridesmaids.  And, by big, I mean fat.
     Adam Sandler dressed up as his own sister in the Hollywood flop Jack & Jill.  Something, I hear, that other Hollywood Scientologists like to do on a regular basis.
     Emma Stone broke out as a star in the movie The Help, which was based on the #1 bestselling novel.  It was another typical Hollywood story where the white people save the black people.  Thank God for white people.
     Zumba, the sexy Latin dance workout became a hit at gyms around the country.  Mostly, it was a hit with the guys in the gym who liked to watch the girls dress in tight spandex and bounce up and down.
     Paul McCartney got married for the third time.  He married American businesswoman, Nancy Shevell.  Their first dance as a married couple was to the old Beatle's hit The Long And Winding Road...  to ruin.  When asked why, at such an advanced age, he would want to get married yet again, Sir Paul lovingly said:  "I like taffy."
     Mariah Carey had twins with her husband, Nick Cannon.  As they held their twins up for the world to see, Nick proudly beamed:  "Don't they look just like their daddy?" 
     "And that would be...?" Mariah wondered aloud, just out of earshot.
     It's hard to believe that Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore split up.  On second thought, I've seen recent pictures of the 49 year-old former actress.  Maybe it's not so hard to believe, after all.
     Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony also divorced.  The way I heard it is like this:  One morning she woke up, looked at Marc Anthony sleeping next to her, and thought to herself:  Hey, I just remembered...  I'm JENNIFER LOPEZ!
     Cameron Diaz and Alex Rodriguez broke up.  Cameron Diaz has been dumped by so many guys Jennifer Anniston laughs at her.
     Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver sadly split up when Maria discovered that the former Governor of California had fathered an illegitimate child with their maid.  When Maria demanded to know why, Arnold handed her a mirror.
     Inspired by the Arab Spring, the Occupy Wall Street movement became big for a time here in the U.S.  Sadly, they all dispersed before the government could detonate the bomb.
     The final Harry Potter movie was released this year...  and if you think I'm gonna say anything bad about Harry Potter, you'd be wrong.  I promised my little girl.
     Natalie Portman won the Oscar for Best Actress, and accepted the award while obviously pregnant and definitely unwed.  "This almost makes up for my boyfriend refusing to marry me," she said.
      In entertainment news, the only important thing occurred in the music industry when David Bowie once again disappointed fans by not releasing any new music this past year.     
     It was a victory for gay marriage when New York became the largest state in the union to legalize same-sex marriage.  NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg was enthusiastically for it.  "That's why I live in a gated community," he said.
     In a related story, Tom Cruise and John Travolta are both still happily married to their respective wives.  No, really... they're happily married.  I mean really, really, REALLY happily married.
     2011 came to an end without the Republicans having a decent front runner for next year's presidential elections.
     For that matter, neither do the Democrats.
     And that was the year that was.
     (And, by was, I mean fat.)

Fifty Shades of Funny

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