Saturday, January 14, 2012

Rick Perry Facts (part one)

Rick Perry is keeping a low profile these days.  He's afraid he'll run out of feet to insert into his mouth.  But that's no way to run a possible presidential campaign.  You can't tippy-toe your way into the highest office in the land. 
     It's hard to believe that a campaign that started out so strong, fell apart so quickly.  It fell apart faster than Obama's promise to fix the economy.  How did this happen?  Because Rick Perry opened his pie-hole.  If he had just kept quiet, then we would all still think of him as a stoic man of intelligence and wisdom.  Now we just think of him as the rodeo clown sent in to distract the bulls. 
     Let me put it this way:  when Ron Paul beats you...  you ain't doing too good, cowboy.
     It isn't just that he thinks of my hometown of El Paso as some kind of third-world war-zone.  It's that he doesn't think at all.  He ignores us, and it's easy for him to ignore us, because I truly believe he thinks El Paso isn't a part of Texas, but, instead, a part of New Mexico (Do you know why El Paso is so windy?  Because New Mexico sucks, and Texas blows.). 
     But what does anybody really know about Rick Perry, other than when he puts more than two words together his poll numbers go down?
     I'm glad you asked.

Rick Perry once asked me what "yield" meant, I said "go slow," and he said "Whaaaaat doeeeees yieeeeeld meeeeean?"
Rick Perry has to go into the cellar to have a deep thought.
Rick Perry once brought his fishing rod to a car pool.
Rick Perry thinks "eyeball" is a sport.
Rick Perry once went to Burger King to see royalty.
Rick Perry thinks an IUD is the charge for drunk driving.
Rick Perry once took toilet paper to a crap game.
Rick Perry once climbed a glass wall to see what was on the other side.
Rick Perry  broke his leg trying to do wheelies on a unicycle.
Rick Perry can get lost riding an elevator.
Rick Perry took the Pepsi challenge...  and chose Jiff.
Rick Perry was once driving, saw a sign that said "draw bridge," and so he took out a paper and a pencil.
In college, Rick Perry thought chicken pot pie was a fraternity.
Rick Perry once tried to wake up a sleeping bag.
When he worked at a restaurant a black man once asked him for crackers for his soup, and Rick Perry brought him four white guys.
Rick Perry thinks your briefcase is where you keep your underwear.
When Rick Perry was born, his mother should have been arrested for smuggling dope.
Rick Perry needs a recipe to make ice cubes.
Rick Perry stands up on an empty bus.
Rick Perry brought his ladder to a Giants game.
Rick Perry spells farm e-i-e-i-o.
On the way to the airport, Rick Perry saw a sign that said "Airport Left," so he went home.
On a job application, where it asks who to contact in case of an emergency, Rick Perry puts "911."
Rick Perry once brought a spoon to the Super Bowl.
Every time Rick Perry's at a traffic light that says "don't walk," he runs.
On his birthday, Rick Perry once lit a match to see if he blew out all the candles.
When he was told to take the number 4 bus, Rick Perry took the number 2 bus twice.
Rick Perry got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away the Ws.
Rick Perry is so dull he can make the lights dim.
Rick Perry once tried to change the channel on a TV dinner.
When he was asked what the Board of Education was, Rick Perry said it was a piece of lumber.
Rick Perry once asked me what letter came after x.  I said "y," and he said "Because I want to know."
Rick Perry once went to a restaurant for an Order of Protection.
Rick Perry needed money for gas, so he sold his car.
Rick Perry needs directions for toilet paper.
I once yelled "Duck!" during a shoot-out, and Rick Perry went "Quack-quack."
If I gave Rick Perry a penny for his thoughts, I'd have change coming back.
Rick Perry almost strangled himself with a cordless phone.
When Rick Perry was in the Army, he thought the infantry was for babies.
Rick Perry thinks soul food is dinner for one.
Rick Perry thinks the institution of marriage is a college.
Rick Perry was once told to speak up, so he started yelling at the sky.
Rick Perry once robbed a bank, and tried to hide in a police car.
Rick Perry needs a tutor to tie his shoes.
Rick Perry laces his shoes with spaghetti so he can eat and run.
I once told Rick Perry to chill, and he got into the refridgerator.
When Rick Perry sees a sign that says Wet Floor...  he does.
Rick Perry once saw the YMCA, and he said:  "Look!  They mispelled Macys."
Rick Perry once asked me how to spell AT&T.
Rick Perry once stole a car, and kept up the payments.
If brains were lard, Rick Perry couldn't grease a skillet.
Rick Perry puts water on his chest for heartburn.
Rick Perry goes to the zoo to buy Christmas seals.
Rick Perry was afraid he'd have to put his kids in rehab, because they were hooked on phonics.
Rick Perry thinks menopause is a button on his 8-track.
Rick Perry thinks the Last Supper is when a family runs out of food stamps.

     So good luck in South Carolina, Governor Perry.
     You're gonna need it.

Fifty Shades of Funny


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