Thursday, January 26, 2012

The Oscar Nominations

Movie's were so bad this year that the Academy had to reach into the past to fill out all of its categories.  How bad was it?  It was so bad that Jonah Hill received a nomination for Achievements in Weight Loss.
     In a surprise move, Albert Brooks received a nomination, but not for The Driver.  Instead he received it for Finding Nemo.
     Pauly Shore surprised even the Academy with his Best Actor nomination, despite not having starred in a movie since 1984. 
     Melissa McCarthy received a nomination for her impersonation of John Belushi in the all-female remake of The Hangover.  I think she'll win the Let's-Give-It-To-The-Fat-Girl vote.
     The Help was shockingly overlooked.  Academy President, Morty Lowenstein, helpfully explained:  "There were too many black people in it.  This is a movie about the African-American experience, so where are all the Asian strippers?"  They did, however, give a nomination to one of the maids for pooping in a pie, because "that's the kind of stuff blacks do."
     An interesting sidenote:  The Help's original title was Thank God For Whitey.  The author, Kathryn Stockett, of the #1 New York Times bestseller really wanted to write only about the white characters, but was forced by her publisher to include blacks to make it a bestseller, much like Mario Puzo did with The Godfather, when he changed his story into one about an Italian mafia family, instead of his original Amish barn-raisers. 
     To fill its minority quota, the Academy decided instead to go with Spike Lee's Do The Right Thing, and gave its Achievements in Nudity nomination to Rosie Perez, as well as a nomination for Best Puerto Rican Girl Dancing During The Credits.
     Harry Potter--the 3rd biggest movie of all time-- was ignored, mainly because Hermione decided to keep her clothes on, and J.K. Rowlings decided to out Professor Doubledork.  This slight doesn't surprise me, because, basically, David Yates is a TV director who lucked into the job of directing a big-screen epic.  The only part of the movie I enjoyed is when Harry Potter gets killed at the end (Oops!  Spoiler Alert!), and reunites with Albus Doubledork in a sort of bleached-out limbo.
     "Is this Heaven?"  Harry asks.
     "No," Doubledork answers.  "I'm gay, Harry.  Do the math."
     Woody Allen's Midnight In Paris was a strong contender for Best Picture, but it lost out to Annie Hall.  "It's won before, it'll win again," said somebody high up in the Academy whose name I've already forgotten.  Woody Allen has made so many movies that he now has his own Best Movie category.
     Meryl Streep received her 17th Oscar nomination for her role as Ironman's wife in The Iron Lady, despite not having starred nude, except in my bedroom.
     The Descendants won a nomination for Best Movie About Hawaii That Didn't Feature Any Hawaiians.  George Clooney has a right to be proud of the best work he's done since Rosanne
     Alvin & The Chipmunks:  The Squeakquel  received a nomination for Achievements in Irritation.
     Cars 2 received two nominations.  One was for Most Needless Remake and the other was for We're Only In It For The Money.
     In another surprise, there were only two songs nominated in the Best Song category, and they were both by the muppets.  It's Not Easy Being Green and The Rainbow Connection.
     Steven Spielberg's Warhorse received 6 nominatons, while the Academy failed to recognize Peacehorse, about a horse who brings peace to the Middle East.
     In the Best Picture category The Green Hornet is the movie to beat, mainly because, despite having ten slots to fill, it was the only one released this year.  Green Arrow was nominated, but then quickly un-nominated, because, explained Mr. Lowenstein, "with the movie The Green Hornet and the song It's Not Easy Being Green, we've reached our quota for that particular color." 
     The list of Best Movie nominations continued with Batman Returns, Superman II, Spiderman II, Star Wars:  The Empire Srikes Back, Star Trek:  The Wrath of Kahn, Thor, Captain America, and The Avengers, which has yet to be released.  Surprisingly, none of the Twilight movies were nominated.
     "Those movies were just crap!" interjected Newt Gingrich, Republican presidential hopeful and official movie historian.
     Eddie Murphy was first signed on to host the Oscars, but angrily bowed out when he discovered that the Academy thought he was Chris Rock.  It didn't help when Bret Ratner, the director of Murphy's latest flop, pointed out that their movie, Tower Heist, would have been a hit if he had just hired Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan like he wanted to in the first place.
     "Eddie Murphy and Ben Stiller?" Bret Ratner moaned.  "What was I thinking?"
     "Maybe I should change my name to Chris," Eddie mused.
     Billy Crystal happily stepped in as host, because "I haven't worked since 1984."  Crystal should do fine, because "I plan to do the same old crap I always do."
     Academy President, Morty Lowenstein, assured everybody that Billy was always their 1st choice, but his job as manager of the Starbucks on Melrose Blvd. initially interfered with his acceptance.
     "I'm sure Billy will do a great job," Lowenstein said.  "What he has going for him is his experience.  His experience and his age.  He's older.  He's fatter.  He's balder.  He's wrinklier.  He's...
     "...does somebody want to remind me why we hired him, again?"

Fifty Shades of Funny

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