The Republican Party, upon hearing the news, told the Texas Governor: "Don't let the door hit'cha where the good Lord split'cha, amigo."
On his way out, Perry was kind enough to throw his support behind Newt Gingrich,
"Thanks," Newt said. "...for nothing."
When I asked him what his biggest mistake was, Rick Perry answered: "I never should have made Italian cruiseship captain, Francesco Schettino, my campaign manager."
Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta and former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi visited El Paso this past week. Somewhere--in a galaxy far, far away--Yoda clutched his chest as he felt a disturbance in The Force.
While in town, Leon Panetta explained how President Obama is cutting $500 billion from the military's budget, but that there was no reason to worry.
"This administration," he said, "will shape a future force that will continue to be the strongest military in the world. That is, as long as we don't actually have to fight anyone."
Nancy Pelosi, on the other hand, gave it to us straight.
"The truth is... you're screwed," she cackled, and then ran off with several first-born sons for a future rib dinner with First Lady Michelle Obama.
And, speaking of the Obamas, the President has hauled in more than $68 million for his campaign during the final months of 2011. A show of force that allows him to take his wife on as many damn vacations as she wants.
A Florida high school principal, George Kenney, stands accused of using hypnosis on two students before they, independently of each other, committed suicide last year.
"Did you take any inappropriate pictures of these students?" asked the judge.
"No," Mr. Kenney answered.
"Did you sexually molest them?"
"Then you're free to go."
Mexican Immigration officials report they have returned 70 Guatemalan squatters to their home country.
"For citizens of one country to illegally enter another, and for them to think they have a right to live there and steal jobs and use up that country's resources, that is intollerable," a Mexican official said. "Unless it's Mexicans sneaking into America, of course."
Iran's leader, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, visited with the Castro brothers, President Raul and Fidel, during an ass-kissing trip to Cuba. They passed the time criticizing America, watching the Twilight movies, and arguing over who has the best facial hair.
In a speech he gave to Congress, President Obama said that the government must change, and stressed how the United States needed to cut taxes, cut spending, and cut its debt.
"And in order to do this," he said, "I'm requesting we increase the U.S. debt by another $1.2 trillion."
Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta assured his Muslim friends that there will be a full inquiry on the Marines accused of unrinating on Taliban fighters whom they killed in a firefight. Afghan President Hamid Karzai, putting down the rusty lid of a tin can, paused in the middle of performing a female circumcision on his five year-old granddaughter, and showed his appreciation to Secretary Panetta by bending over and telling him: "Now you may kiss the other cheek."
Lotto winner, Leroy Flick of Bay City, known for receiving food stamps even after receiving his winnings, was sent to jail for possession of painkillers without a prescription.
"I may be richer," he explained, "but that doesn't make me smarter."
The death of a French journalist in Syria brought new calls for... wait. He was from France? Nevermind.
U.N. nuclear team will come to Tehran on January 28th for talks on limiting Iran's nuclear capabilities.
"That's right," President Ahmadinejadwas quoted as saying. "Keep on talking."
Fifty Shades of Funny