Friday, January 13, 2012

The Noble Cow

On a recent trip to India, I made the mistake of poking a cow in the ribs and joking:  "Michele Obama would love you." 
     The group of starving children standing nearby overheard, and reported me to the ICP.  The ICP I'm referring to is the India Cow Police, and not the Insane Clown Posse they're often mistaken for.  Juggalos from across the United States trek to India every year, only to be disappointed to discover that The Great Malenko is nowhere to be found.
     But I digress...
     The ICP politely asked me to leave.  I just as politely refused.  I was there as a part of a combination Doctors Without Borders/court ordered community service.  I knew that, as a culture, India considers the cow to be sacred, but I didn't think they were really serious about it.  Kind of like American girls getting married in white. 
     I'm sorry, but cows aren't holy.  They shouldn't be worshipped, or held sacred.  However, they should be respected.  Why?  Because they're delicious.  Why would a whole country rather starve than eat beef?  Vegans, too, for that matter. 
     My 3rd ex-wife was a vegan.  An extremely fat vegan.  In fact, to be honest, she was the fattest vegan I had ever seen.  She wasn't fat when I married her, but when she gained a husband, she lost a diet.  She wasn't fat from eating soybeans and brussel sprouts.  She was fat from all the sauces and syrups and gravies she put on her vegan food.  Why all the condiments?  Because vegan food stinks.  If vegan food is so good, then why do they try to make it taste like meat? 
     When we divorced, she became a lesbian.  I guess she was a meat-eater, after all.
     In Portland, vegans put a fried egg on everything they eat.  "Crack an egg on that," they'll say to their salad engineer.
     "Doesn't that defeat the purpose of being a vegan?" I once asked a Portland man.  I was sitting next to him in a Portland vegetarian bar & grill.
     "Not in Portland, man," he grooved. "Not in Portland."
     My current wife also loves vegan food, so I guess I'm forced to love it, too.*
     On a side note, I find it amusing that vegans and the members of PETA are against the killing of animals, but are in favor of killing any baby who is snuggling comfortably in its mother's womb.  Their heroes must be the Japanese soldiers who ate vegetables and rice... and murdered innocent Chinese babies during World War II.  That leads me to believe that one way we can end abortions is to have fetuses declared an endangered species.
     As for cows, they're the furthest thing from being endangered.  We have more cows in America than in India.  Do you know why?  It's because they're delicious.  They are an important food source, so we value them.  What better purpose does a living thing have than to give its life so another can live?  Like a Marine throwing himself on a grenade to save his buddies, or my fourth wife dying in a freak accident so that I could collect on the insurance policy I had on her.
     I can't help it if I'm lucky.
     Not only cows, but ALL the animals we eat here in the United States are treated well. In fact, they get treated better than we treat our homeless.  They get free food and a nice place to stay.  We build barns and corrals and shelters for them.  We protect them from the elements and predators who would otherwise eat them.  When they're sick, they get free medical care.  They have better health insurance than I do.  When a cow has a baby, there's always a cow doctor there to tell someone to go boil some water. 
     Cows aren't given menial jobs to do, either, the way dogs are.  Cows aren't trained to sit or fetch or fix the transmissions of our cars.  Cows are weak.  They can't out-think anyone.  They can't out-run anyone.  They can't out-fight anyone, except, perhaps, for the male cast members of Glee
     Cute baby cows may get taken away from their mothers to be turned into veal, but that's only because they're even more delicious than a full grown cow.  And a full grown cow is mighty delicious, let me tell you.
     So, let me ask all you vegans out there, what would you rather eat:  A cow or a vegetable?**  A cow or a fruit?***  A cow or a baby?****  Who would you rather have been crucified:  A cow or Jesus?*****
     Yeah, that's what I thought.

*My favorite vegetable is the hot dog.
**And, by vegetable, I mean Terri Shaivo.
***And, by fruit, I'm talking about the male cast members of Glee.
****And, by baby, I'm talking about a Fatburger.
*****Really? You'd rather have a cow as your Lord and Saviour? The next time you need help, try praying to a cow.******
******And, by cow, I mean Rosie O'Donnell.

Fifty Shades of Funny

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