Saturday, May 29, 2021
The Week In Tweets: Special They're Delicious Edition!
The Week In Tweets: Special The Difference Edition!
Fake News Reports!
Fake News Chief Correspondent
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
Saturday, May 22, 2021
Butterfly Dreams
as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine
I recently got the Trump Vaccine, and I wonder what my superpower is going to be. I hope it’s invisibility, but without the turning insane part.
When I was first given my appointment to receive Trump’s Miracle Coronavirus Cure my plan was to make fun of the whole process, but, the truth is, it was very well run, leaving me no room for satire. I got in and out of there quickly, both the first time and the second. The fifteen minutes I was required to wait before leaving was uneventful. My arm didn’t hurt so bad. Fever and chills? That’s for lesser mortals like my brother. I bet he cried like a baby.
When news of the vaccine was first reported, my father wanted to know who made it, as if it mattered.
“Pfizer,” I said.
“The same company that makes Viagra?”
“Yes,” I told him, wondering how he knew about Viagra.
“That’s one great company,” he said.
In the early days of the pandemic, I made the mistake of telling him one of the symptoms of Covid-19 was losing your sense of smell. Now, when he passes gas in my vicinity, he claims he’s performing a “health check” on me. I may have to volunteer him for Elon Musk’s Mars colony.
They tell me schools will open next year. By “they,” I mean the mothers and fathers desperate enough to believe any rumor that they might be getting their life back. If parents had known their children would be home for this long, I bet one of them would have developed a vaccine way before Operation Warp Speed.
As for holidays, we’re still encouraged to keep things small. I can just imagine what the next Valentine’s Day is going to be like.
“Will you be my valentine?”
“Can I see your vaccine passport first?”
Yeah, like THAT’S romantic.
I’ve been quarantining for so long I now know why my father’s dog gets so excited when someone’s at our front door. I may need to social distance from my refrigerator, but as far as side effects to Trump’s Magic Elixir goes, I didn’t experience any.
Well... maybe one.
I’ve been having some really crazy dreams. They remind me of a saying from the Chinese philosopher Zhuang Zhou who lived about 2,400 years ago, waaay before Covid-19. He said: “Am I a man who dreamt I was a butterfly, or am I a butterfly dreaming that I’m a man?”
It’s rare when I dream. I know they say everybody dreams--and, by “they,” I mean annoying know-it-alls--but the last dream I remember having was years ago. It was when my granddaughter, who was only two at the time, was in the hospital. I won’t go into any of the details, but I woke up to my very concerned wife rocking my shoulder, asking me, “Are you okay? You were crying.”
She was being kind, because I was sobbing.
“I’m okay,” I told her, needing to get the words out quickly. I rolled on my side facing away from her. The dream was already fading away and that was fine by me. During the day, you pray for your dreams to come true, but at night you pray that they don’t.
These butterfly dreams of mine have been really odd, but entertaining. I now look forward to going to sleep just to see which roller coaster I’ll be riding on. I was in a Magnum PI episode one night, and a James Bond movie the next. I wasn’t in the Spiderman movie I conjured up, but neither was Tom Holland.
Mainly, I’m heading somewhere with a purpose. In one, it was at a hospital with sick, elderly patients littering the hallways. If you’ve seen the movie Jacob’s Ladder, you’ll know what I’m talking about. In another, I was making my way through a home much like the Winchester House, an endless maze of rooms and corridors, leading nowhere. I never know what I’m trying to outrun. All I know is I have to keep moving.
One dream took place in Las Vegas, but on the outskirts of town. I found myself at a casino with a giant clown entrance. You had to walk through his open arms to enter.
Yeah… hmmm. No thanks.
In another Vegas dream, I was again on the outskirts, trying to make my way to the main strip, but it was always in the distance, just out of reach. The last dream I had that took place in Sin City, I was hustling from one casino to another, all-you-can-eating at their delicious buffets. That one, however, might have had more to do with the diet my beautiful wife has me on, rather than Trump’s Gift of Life.
Still, I couldn’t be sure if my dreams were caused by the vaccine, so I took an unscientific survey of the people closest to me. I first asked my brother, because he’s always got something to say whether you want to hear it or not.
“I’ve been dreaming that I’m asleep,” he told me. “Which is great, because, when I wake up, I’m TWICE as rested.”
My brother the joker.
I wonder where he gets his sense of humor from.
My youngest daughter, who got the Moderna shot at CVS, told me she’s also had some odd dreams.
“Remember when I woke up and gave you a big hug?” she nudged my memory. Of course I remembered it. I remember all my children’s hugs, especially the unexpected ones. “I dreamt I was dying and wanted to comfort you.”
My wife got her first Pfizer shot and had vivid dreams for about a week. She’s getting her second shot as I’m writing this. Let’s see what happens.
My father and I also got Pfizer shots.
“Dreams?” he said. “You bet I’ve been having dreams. Real nightmares. Last night, I dreamt I was Dolly Parton’s baby and she was BOTTLE-feeding me!”
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Only in our dreams are we free. In the real world, we need jobs.
@JimDuchene
The Week In Tweets: Special New Mexico Edition!
Fake News Reports!
The Week In Tweets: Special Non-Binary Edition!
Fake News Reports!
Friday, May 14, 2021
The Week In Tweets: Special Three Things Edition!
A medical study reports that men who eat ten pizzas a week are less likely to develop prostate problems.
However, they ARE more likely to develop size 52 pants.
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There was a child psychologist who wrote a book called “Ten Rules For Raising Children.”
When she had kids of her own, she wrote a book called “Ten Suggestions For Raising Children.”
And when her kids became teenagers she quit writing books.
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The Los Angeles Times reports that last March the California National Guard feared an F-15C fighter jet would be illegally used to frighten protesters!
“Yeah, we’re afraid of a lot of imaginary things that never happen.”
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I love the Oscars.
Way to pat yourselves on the back, guys.
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Three things that were wrong with the Oscars:
1) The beginning,
2) The ending,
3) And everything in the middle.
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ET Canada reports that the Oscar producers had “a very good reason” for not letting Sir Anthony Hopkins give his Best Actor acceptance speech via Zoom.
“We looked, and noticed (Um… how do I put this delicately?) he wasn’t Chadwick Boseman.”
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The CDC has announced that people who are fully vaccinated DO NOT have to wear a mask when outside...
“...unless they’re really, really ugly.”
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Scienstrology’s Three Laws Of Prosperity:
If you want to be healthy, give me your illness.
If you want to be happy, give me your sadness.
If you want to be wealthy, give me your money.
Jim Duchene
Chief Scienstrologist
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
The Week In Tweets: Special Tiny Handcuffs Edition!
THIS JUST IN:
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Governor Gavin Newsom has declared a drought emergency in his state of California…
“…or, you can say, it’s just another Thursday.”
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
The Week In Tweets: Special The Verdict Edition!
The verdict is in:
Derek Chauvin promoted to CAPTAIN!
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Whoever forced Demi Lovato into that fro-yo shop at gunpoint has some explaining to do.
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Stacey Abrams! NOMINATED For The Nobel Peace Prize!
And if you think I’m going to satirize THAT, you’re crazy.
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Bloomberg Quicktake tells us why India’s Coronavirus surge should worry us:
“BECAUSE THEY’RE A FRIGGIN’ 1/5TH OF THE WORLD’S POPULATION!”
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Defying pressure from the only point of view allowed on fake news media, Israel drops their public mask mandate and opens their public schools.
“Why won’t they listen to me?” laments a lonely Dr. Fauci, finding himself on the bullet train to irrelevancy.
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Axios gives us the scoop that the former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is seriously considering running for president in 2024.
I’m glad HE’S taking it seriously, because the rest of the world sure isn’t.
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Reuters reports South Korean students are SHAVING THEIR HEADS to protest Japan's releasing contaminated water from their crippled Fukushima nuclear plant.
"Yeah," Japan snickers, "like THAT'S gonna stop us."
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Robert De Niro is publicly lamenting how, at the age of 77, he has to take ANY acting job because of his very expensive divorce.
And THAT'S how I got him to show up at my toddler's birthday party dressed as a party clown.
American Chimpanzee
JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com
RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com
@JimDuchene
The Week In Tweets: Special Medical Experts Edition!
Medical experts agree that COVID-19 vaccinations help reduce the transmission of the dreaded Coronavirus.