The Week In Tweets: Special Waukesha Massacre Edition!

Fake News Reports!

I was married by a Justice of the Peace.

Ironically, since then, I’ve had neither justice or peace.

**********

A Toronto School Board Has CANCELED Yazidi Survivor & Nobel Peace Prize Winner Nadia Murad Because Her Story Of Being An ISIS Sex Slave “Would Foster Islamophobia”!

“They’re such good boys,” wokes Superintendent Helen Fisher, defending the terrorists.

**********

The Los Angeles Times Reports That Central California Hospitals Are FULL, So They Want To Send Their Covid Patients To Other Counties!

“Forget that,” say the other counties.

**********

Darrell Brooks Jr.—The Violent Felon Who Is Accused Of Killing Five People And Injuring Dozens By Driving His Car Into A Christmas Parade—To Appear In Court!

“Now that’s OUR kind of hero,” fake news wokes, still stinging after the Rittenhouse verdict.

**********

CBS’s Disgraced Stephen Colbert Insists If Kyle Rittenhouse “Didn’t Break The Law, We Should Change the Law”!

What about Darrell Brooks Jr., The Violent Felon Who Killed 6 & Injured Dozens By Driving His Car Into A Christmas Parade?

“Aw, he’s okay.”

**********

Actress Debra Messing Blasts Fake News Media For Portraying Murderous Thug Darrell Brooks Jr.’s Driving Of His Car Into A Christmas Parade Killing 6 & Injuring Dozens As An “Accident,” And Not The Domestic Terrorist Act It Was!

Man, when did I start agreeing with Debra Messing?

**********

On Thanksgiving, OF COURSE my in-laws have a right to be heard…

…but just not constantly.

**********

Best Buy Offers Employees Counseling After Kyle Rittenhouse Verdict, Calling It A “Difficult Moment”!

Did you do the same when Darrell Brooks Jr used his SUV to kill 6 & injure dozens in Wisconsin?

“Why would we do that?”

Yeah, that’s what I thought.

**********

Congresswoman Ilhan Omar Calls Out Congressional Colleague Lauren Boebert For “Hateful & Dangerous Muslim Tropes” And Telling A “Made Up” Story At A Speaking Event!

“As everybody knows,” she said, matter-of-factly, “9-11 never happened.”

**********

Actor/Director Rob Reiner CONDEMNS The Kyle Rittenhouse Verdict, Yet Gets All The Pertinent Facts Wrong!

“And can you believe how they’re railroading that Darrell Brooks Jr. guy?” he continued. “It’s a travelocity of justice.”

**********

While I do not offer financial advice, I CAN tell you that buying more lottery tickets with the lottery ticket money you’ve won is not reinvesting your earnings.

***********

Jim Duchene

Fake News Chief Correspondent

 

read my RaisingDad humor column for caregivers at Desert Exposure Magazine

desertexposure.com

The Week In Tweets: Special "Where's Peng Shuai?" Edition!

Fake News Reports!

Pfizer Denies CEO Albert Bourla's Wife Myriam Has “Died From Complications Of The COVID-19 Vaccine”!

“She’s perfectly fine,” a spokesperson for the pharmaceutical company said, “and is simply visiting Scientology leader David Miscavige’s wife, Shelly.”

**********

On Christmas Day, Los Angeles’ Iconic Staples Center Will Change Their Name To The Crypto.com Arena!

In an interesting coincidence, the original name of the iconic gospel group The Staple Singers was The Crypto.com Singers.

**********

WTA Expresses Concern Over Missing Chinese Tennis Player Peng Shuai, Who Many Fear Has Come To Harm Via Her Communist Government!

“Mind your own business,” advises NBA superstar LeBron James. “China knows what it’s doing.”

**********

What Does The National Organization of Women (NOW) Have To Say About Missing Chinese Player Peng Shuai, Who Was Raped By A Chinese Official And Then "Disappeared" When She Reported It?

"Did China keep her from having an abortion?"

No.

"Then we're not interested."

***********

THIS JUST IN:

Kyle Rittenhouse Found GUILTY!

…of murdering Prosecutor Binger’s career.

**********

THIS JUST IN:

Kyle Rittenhouse Found NOT GUILTY!

“Remember, I’m on YOUR side,” whimpers defeated lead prosecutor Thomas Binger to the angry mob outside.

***********

Black Lives Matter Congratulates Kyle Rittenhouse—Now A Free Man—On Being Found NOT GUILTY!

“You go kill all the white people you want.”

***********

HISTORY HAS BEEN MADE:

Congratulations to Kamala Harris, who officially became our first Woman / Woman of Color President of the United States of America!

***********

HISTORY HAS BEEN MADE:

Racism & Sexism was eradicated today and forever in the United States as Kamala Harris officially became America’s first Woman / Woman of Color President!  

***********

Jim Duchene

Fake News Chief Correspondent

 

read my RaisingDad humor column for caregivers at Desert Exposure Magazine

desertexposure.com

The Week In Tweets: Special Highly Unusual Edition!

 Fake News Reports!

The Star Tribune reports that defendant “Rittenhouse, in a highly unusual move, was allowed by the judge to draw the slips of paper from a raffle drum to determine the members of the jury from a pool of 18.”

What other “highly unusual” moves has Judge Schroeder allowed in Kyle Rittenhouse’s self-defense trial?

I’m glad you asked.

**********

Rittenhouse, in a highly unusual move, was allowed by the judge to fly into outer space with Star Trek’s William Shatner.

**********

Rittenhouse, in a highly unusual move, was allowed by the judge to check the assault rifle Prosecutor Binger pointed at the jury, and verify it was empty.

**********

Rittenhouse, in a highly unusual move, was allowed by the judge to throw a tailgater in the courthouse parking lot. 

Everybody was invited.

**********

Rittenhouse, in a highly unusual move, was allowed by the judge to perform selections from Bizet’s opera Carmen for the beleaguered jury during a break in the proceedings.

**********

Rittenhouse, in a highly unusual move, was allowed by the judge to repaint the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.

***********

Rittenhouse, in a highly unusual move, was allowed by the judge to continue working on his perpetual motion machine.

***********

Rittenhouse, in a highly unusual move, was allowed by the judge to call his (the judge’s) wife and assure her that “he was with me last night,” getting him (the judge) out of a sticky situation.

***********

Rittenhouse, in a highly unusual move, was allowed by the judge to grant “favors” to courthouse guests on the day of his daughter’s wedding.

“Be my friend, Godfather,” Prosecutor Binger beseeched in the privacy of the judge’s chamber.

***********

Rittenhouse, in a highly unusual move, was allowed by the judge to compete in—and WIN!—The Masked Singer.

***********

Rittenhouse, in a highly unusual move, was allowed by the judge to dazzle spectators with his superior mime skills.

***********

Rittenhouse, in a highly unusual move, was allowed by the judge to replace Jerry Lewis as host for the comedian’s Labor Day Muscular Dystrophy Telethon.

***********

Rittenhouse, in a highly unusual move, was allowed by the judge to accompany Kim Kardashian on a date to Knott’s Berry Farm.

***********

Rittenhouse, in a highly unusual move, was allowed by the judge to write these tweets.

***********

Jim Duchene

Fake News Chief Correspondent

 

read my RaisingDad humor column for caregivers at Desert Exposure Magazine

desertexposure.com

The Week In Tweets: Special Most Dangerous Man In The World Edition!

 Fake News Reports!

Insider News Warns Us That Overwhelmingly White Juries Will Determine The Kyle Rittenhouse & Ahmaud Arbery Trials!

Two more contested outcomes?

When did fake news media start to sound like Trump?

**********

Mark Hamill—Mr. Luke Skywalker Himself—Rips Aaron Rodgers A New Black Hole For Wearing A Star Wars Sweatshirt!

“Oh, it has my picture on it?”

Ka-CHING!

**********

The Telegraph Is Reporting That Biden’s America Is Warning The European Union To Prepare For A Russian Invasion Of The Ukraine!

“Putin’s YOUR problem, suckas.”

**********

Prosecution Delivers Powerful Closing Argument To Jury In The Rittenhouse Self-Defense Trial!

“We are so sorry for wasting your time.”

**********

Dateline: Kenosha, Wisconsin 

Kyle Rittenhouse—The Most Dangerous Man In The World—Is Allowed To Stand Next To Judge Schroeder During His Self-Defense Trial Without Any Security Or Shackles Or Objections From The Prosecution!

There were no survivors.

**********

New Mexico Museum Of Indian Arts & Culture Name Trailblazing Pueblo Cochiti Potter Virgil Ortiz A Living Treasure!

“Oh, goodie!” salivates Secretary of the Treasury Janet Louise Yellen. “ANOTHER ‘treasure’ I can tax.”

**********

Black Lives Matter Threatens More Rioting, Looting, & Violence If Kyle Rittenhouse Is Acquitted!

  “No white man shoots 3 black men, killing 2 of them, without serious repercussions.”

Um… you do know the thugs who got shot were white, don’t you?

“No way, man! The news would have told us!”

***********

Beto O’Rourke Announces He’s Running… 

For Kenosha, Wisconsin District Attorney!

“Hell yes, we’re going to take your AR-15!”

***********

A Reuters Fact Check Has Determined A Bill Gates Quote Where He "Admitted" Covid Vaccines Aren't Effective Were Taken Out Of Context!

"What I actually said was 'Covid vaccines aren't effective,'" the billionaire philanthropist clarified.

***********

Things That Make Me Go Hmm…

Why do we have only 2 political parties but 26 different brands of bottled water to choose from?

***********

Jim Duchene

Fake News Chief Correspondent

 

read my RaisingDad humor column for caregivers at Desert Exposure Magazine

desertexposure.com

The Week In Tweets: Special Veterans Day Edition!

 Fake News Reports!

The San Francisco Chronicle Reports That A California Lab Will Grow 400,000 Pounds A Year Of Meat Grown From Animal Cells!

“That’s the easy part,” a spokesman for Upside Foods said.” “The hard part is finding someone who will eat it.”

**********

The AP Reports That 55-Year-Old Salma Hayek Felt Like The Mom On The Set Of Marvel’s ‘Eternals’!

“They were like my children,” the busty ‘Desperado’ actress laughed, “and a second didn’t go by that one of them didn’t want to be breastfed.”

**********

On His Show Today, Shock Jock Howard Stern Goes Off On Packers Quarterback Aaron Rodgers And His Stand Against The Miracle Trump Vaccine!

“Caca! Peepee! Poopoo!” he flatulated.

**********

Is it just me, or can Kim Kardasian do a lot better than Pete Davidson?

**********

Variety Reports That Marvel’s Black Panther Sequel Has Shut Down Due To Star Letitia Wright Being Injured!

By any chance, does anybody know if Alec Baldwin was on that set?

**********

Eight-Year-Old Fiona Lashells Has Been Suspended THIRTY-EIGHT Times From Her Florida School For Not Wearing A Mask!

I guess Governor DeSantis has been off on maternity leave.

**********

IN OTHER HOWARD STERN NEWS:

The Shock Jock Considers A Presidential Run In 2024!

Great… ANOTHER rich old, white guy to chose from.

***********

In A Provocative Move, China Uses Mockups Of U.S. Warships In War Games And Missile Practice!

Joe Biden’s response was swift and forceful: “Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…”

***********

Al Gore To Use Satellites & Artificial Intelligence To Identify Greenhouse Gas Producers So Activists Can “Hold Them Responsible…”!

“…just as soon as we can figure out a way to keep it from fingering ME,” the President Who Never Was said, speaking from one of his many mansions or private jets.

***********

HAPPY VETERANS DAY!

I’ve never served in the military, but, since I identify as a veteran, I’ll gladly accept all the free stuff you’re giving me.

***********

After 28 Years, Veteran News Anchor Brian Williams Leaves NBC To Help James Bond Defeat S.P.E.C.T.R.E.!

***********

After 28 Years, Veteran News Anchor Brian Williams Is Leaving NBC!

“Did you read THAT?” the newsman said. “I’m a VETERAN!”

***********

Once Upon A Time In A Kenosha, Wisconsin Courthouse:

Assistant District Attorney Thomas Binger: “All he had was a handgun, why would you think he is a threat?”

Rittenhouse: “Excuse me, are you talking about Gaige Grosskreutz or Alec Baldwin?”

***********

Coming In The Last Days Of The COP26, China & The United States Stun The World By Vowing To Work Together On Climate Change!

In other words, nothing’s gonna happen, right?

“Right.”

***********

Jim Duchene

Fake News Chief Correspondent

 

read my RaisingDad humor column for caregivers at Desert Exposure Magazine

desertexposure.com

The Week In Tweets: Special Squeak Games Edition!

 Fake News Reports!

A POEM:

If there’s nothing 

I wouldn’t do for you, 

and

there’s nothing

you wouldn’t do for me,

is that how we’ll spend our lives?

Doing nothing for each other?

**********

CEO Mark Zoidberg And Vice President Of Artificial Intelligence Jerome Pesenti Say They Are Shutting Down Facebook’s HAL 9000 Facial Recognition Program!

Or ARE they?

**********

Overheard At The COP26:

“But enough about Satchel Paige, let me tell you about Satchel Paige.”

**********

The Financial Times Reports That, Because Of Climate Change, By 2070 The Earth Will Be Practically Unlivable For 3 Billion Of Its Inhabitants!

Well, I guess that solves the world’s overpopulation problem.

**********

Emergency Mail-In Ballots From China Delayed By Sec. of Trans. Pete Buttigieg’s Supply Chain Collapse Cause Democrats To Lose Tuesday’s 2021 Election!

**********

Elon Musk Says He’s Ready To End World Hunger By Giving The United Nations Six Billion Dollars Providing They Come Up With A Workable Plan!

“You mean you’re expecting us to WORK?” the U.N. gasps in disbelief.

**********

Attempting To Defend Sec. Of Trans. Buttigieg For Taking Over Two Months Of Paternity Leave While The U.S. Supply Chain He Was In Charge Of Collapsed, The Bloomberg QuickTake Reports That The Economy Benefits When Men Do That!

Can you give us an example?

“No.”

***********

Fact-Checkers Confirm That The Statement By President Trump Concerning Alec Baldwin Was FABRICATED!

The fake news media?

Lying?

I don’t believe it.

***********

Thousands Of Visitors To Shanghai Disneyland Have Been Locked Inside, Forbidden To Leave!

The excuse?

COVID-19.

The real reason?

Squeak Games Part Two.

***********

Like my dear ol’ pappy used to say: “You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time… and that’s just enough to get a crooked politician elected.”

***********

Jim Duchene

Fake News Chief Correspondent

 

read my RaisingDad humor column for caregivers at Desert Exposure Magazine

desertexposure.com

Somehow He Knows (Part One)

 as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine

My father. 

     I don't know how he knows, but he does. He can't see to the end of the room, but whenever I'm doing any kind of work in the house, somehow he knows and a few seconds later he’s situated himself right in the middle of it. It could be something as simple as my walking into the kitchen early in the wee morning hours to fix my wife a cup of coffee. I won't even turn on the light, but I'll see the light go on in the little in-law house in the front of our property. Then I’ll see him walk out his door toward the main house. Sometimes I'm able to sneak back upstairs with our coffee before he makes it into the house, but sometimes...

     "Where's my coffee?" my wife will ask when I walk back into our bedroom empty-handed.

     "Um... ah... well..." I'll begin to explain.

     "Your father?"

     "Yeah."

     For the last three days I've been trying to dust-mop and buff the oak floor downstairs. As usual, no sooner do I start to dust the floor, than he walks into the kitchen for his tea. And then, once he has his tea--and also proving in the process that he doesn't need my wife to make it for him--he sits himself in his favorite chair in the den to watch the TV.  Sometimes he even turns it on. These last few days it's been on, and that meant I couldn't use the buffer. It makes too much noise. 

     Today, I finally got lucky and was able to finish dusting the floor. No dad. He was still in his little house. I quickly grabbed the buffer. Just as I was about to turn it on, guess who walked in? My father. Only, there I was with the buffer, standing between him and his favorite chair.

     “Can't he see I'm busy in here?” I thought to myself.

     So I pretended not to see him, and began fiddling with the buffer, giving him time to leave. Instead, he stood there looking at me fiddling with this and fussing with that. From the corner of my eye,  I could see he was trying to figure out his next course of action. He stood there, not saying anything. No "Hi, how are you?" No "Good morning." No "You’re in my way.”

Smacking his lips, he attempted to let me know he was there. Smack, smack, smack! "Ahhhh, well..." Big sigh, then smack, smack, smack some more. He finally came up with a plan. Instead of coming straight in through the kitchen, he detoured down the hall and into the den. 

     "Oh, my..." he said to nobody in particular, plopping himself down in front of the TV. For some reason known only to him, he didn't bother to turn it on. He just sat there, watching a black screen. If she’s around, my wife will usually turn it on for him, but today she's not around. She was upstairs, keeping herself busy and out of my way. My father, however, was never one to take a hint. 

     Giving up, I began buffing the floor. I've never worked harder in my life than since I've retired, and there I was, building up a sweat, putting a fine finish on the floor. Back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth. It was almost hypnotic. Very zen-like. My music was on, but I couldn't hear who put the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop because the buffer was so loud, but I swear I could still hear my father.

     “Ah… oh oh… my my my…”

     After I finished, I figured I couldn't pretend not to see him any longer, so I asked him:

     "Pop, do you want me to turn on the TV for you?"

     "What?"

     "Do you want me to turn on the TV for you?"

     "What?"

     "Do You Want Me To Turn On The TV For You?"

     "Do I want you to what?"

     "TURN ON THE TV FOR YOU!"

     "What are you yelling at me for?"

     I went upstairs.

     If it wasn't for his constant lip-smacking, I would be more than happy to sit and watch TV with him, just no more baseball games. I'm still shell-shocked from the first year he moved in. I watched more baseball games in that one year than all the other years of my life put together, but I wanted him to feel at home, so I watched. 

     After that year, I told my wife, "Sweetie, I love my father, but I can't watch any more baseball." She understood. I think that's part of the reason she caters to my father more than she should. 

     I returned downstairs an hour later. He was still there. Sitting. In the den. The TV off. Eyes closed. Not moving. Was he asleep? Or was he… was he...

     I stood there quietly.

     SMACK! 

     I went back upstairs.

     All was right with the world.

  

***************

Why is it the older I get, the earlier it gets late?

theduchenebrothers@gmail.com

@JimDuchene

The Week In Tweets: Special COP26 Edition!

 Fake News Reports!

It’s Election Day!

And all across the nation good Americans are heading out to cast their vote two, maybe three times.

**********

White Supremacist Wears Confederate Flag At Virginia Gubernatorial Candidate Glenn Youngkin’s Loudoun County Rally!

or

On The Verge Of Losing Governor Race, Desperate Terry McAuliffe Sneaks Into Opponent’s Rally Wearing Confederate Flag!

**********

Health Officials And Fact-Checkers Insist Masks Are Safe And Effective

In Preventing Covid-19!

So then we DON’T need to get vaccinated?

“Hey, let’s not go crazy out there.”

**********

The White House Releases Framework To Joe Biden’s 1.75 Trillion Dollar Economic Build Back Better Act!

“It’s a two-part plan,” a spokesman for his administration explained. “First we take your money, then we waste it.”

**********

For The First Time Since Fatally Shooting Cinematographer Halyna Hutchins

On The Set Of His Movie “Rust,”Alec Baldwin Publicly Speaks Out!

“If only there was one person who had the sense

to check my gun before I pulled the trigger,” he lamented.

**********

As World Leaders Debate On How To Avert A Devastating Climate Change Disaster, The COP26 Are Finally Unanimous In Their Conclusion!

“The United States should pay for it.”

**********

Al Jazeera Reveals The Top Six Locations Hit Hardest By Climate Change!

Number One was my pocketbook.

**********

THIS JUST IN:

Joe Biden Falls Asleep During COP26 Opening Speeches!

As well as everybody else.

**********

As The COP26 Begins, Insider International Wonders What It’s Like In Jacobabad, Pakistan, One Of The Hottest Places On Earth!

“Hot, man,” a local native says. “Real hot.”

**********

British Prime Minister Boris Johnson Warns World Leaders At The COP26 That It’s “A Minute To Midnight And We Must Act NOW!”

“…so, bartender, let’s have ANOTHER round for the house!”

**********

Meanwhile, Over A Hundred World Leaders At The COP26 Have Pledged To End Deforestation By 2030!

Which, coincidentally, is the same year we’ll run out of forests.

**********

Jim Duchene

Fake News Chief Correspondent

 

read my RaisingDad humor column for caregivers at Desert Exposure Magazine

desertexposure.com