Friday, January 18, 2019

Dear John: Special Not A Stalker Edition!

Hard Core Advice
From Hard Core’s Hardest Core...
John Leslie!
Dear John,
     I am in my 80s.
     From time to time, when I have tried to contact a dear friend or distant relative, I find that they have recently passed away.
     Don't you think it would be a good idea for older people to make a short list of people we want contacted in case of a serious illness or death?
     So many times our survivors have no idea who some of our friends are or how to contact them.
Dear Caring,
I 've seen their lists, and you weren't on them.
Dear John,
     I have been married to a loving and supportive man for 15 years. We have been through a lot together and, for the most part, have been OK. My problem is my son, "Kyle."
     Yes, I know Kyle is a liar, and, yes, he needs help for his drug habit... but he is still my son!
     My husband told me I either need to tell Kyle he is not welcome in our home or our marriage is over, so I gave him back my wedding ring. I refuse to tell my son he can no longer come over and steal from us.
     What do I do now?
     I don't want to lose my husband, but I refuse to lose my worthless son as well.
Dear Torn,
If your son went from being a drug user to being a drug dealer, he'd be a business entrepreneur, and entrepreneurs are welcome everywhere.
Dear John,
     I recently graduated from college, and I had difficulty finding employment. However, I was just offered a position far better than anything I could have asked for. The problem is my partner, "Bruce."
     Bruce graduated a semester before I did, and he's still without a job. He applies for dozens of jobs a day, gets at least one interview a week, nd then he never hears from them again. He has become increasingly frustrated about his inability to find employment in his field, and recently has been projecting his frustration on our relationship.
     I want to be able to celebrate my accomplishment with my partner. I need Bruce's support for me over this new position, but I'm torn because every time I tell him a new detail about it, he punches me in the face.
     What can I do"
Dear Working,
Tell him to get over it.
Confidential to Not A Stalker:
I've called the police, and they know who you are.
American Chimpanzee

Friday, January 11, 2019

The Week In Tweets: Special Belated Edition!

President Obama (about business owners): "You didn't do that!"
President Trump (about President Trump's accomplishments): "I did that!"
Before you say something that will hurt another person's feelings, first think about it, then think about it again...
...then don't.
Oh, look!
ANOTHER glorious Monday!
...makes me sick.
Fake News Reports!
Harvey Weinstein Presents!
Trumpenstein Versus The Obamonster!
WHO will win on Election Tuesday?
I'm not saying my ex is fat, but, when she loss ten pounds, it was like cutting the tail off a cow.
"Here you go, sir. A double scoop of Ben & Jerry's Pecan Resist ice cream, which honors Democrats' most cherish principles."
So the American Taxpayer will be paying for it?
The Sierra Blanca Border Patrol checkpoint.
If their intention is to back up freeway traffic on I-10 East for half and hour, then they're doing a good job.
My father always said, "Put your eggs in one basket, and then watch that basket."
My father.
He never had money, but he always had eggs.
Good things come to those who wait.
Of course, waiting gets old pretty quick.
Success 101
If you ever need a helping hand, it's at the end of your arm.
Fake News Reports!
California Wildfires!
Over 30 Dead!
Over 200 Missing!
And with the president in Paris, there's no way to blame it on Trump!
"But we'll find a way," Fake News promises.
Fake News Reports!
Caitlyn Jenner Loses Home To The California Wildfires!
"Sorry, but you're thinking about my hoo-hah," the former Bruce Jenner says.
Fake News Reports!
Miley Cyrus Loses Home To The California Wildfires!
"I'm one of the lucky ones," she says. "My animals, the love of my life, and my pot all survived."
My wife will follow me to the end of the earth.
Unfortunately, that's where my other wife lives.
I know some people have nothing to say, but why does it have to take so long to find that out?
The Three Things I Want Out Of Life:
1) Love
2) Respect
3) Acceptance
...but I'll settle for a pizza.
When it snows, you have two choices: mope or make snow angels.
My dad says I'm lucky because I'm a kid and I don't have to worry about work or bills or taxes or insurance or home maintenance or car payments or...
...but I sure do have to listen to a lot of complaining.
Fake News Reports!
White House Thanksgiving Turkey PARDONS President Trump!
100% of my problems occur while I'm awake, so I'm going back to bed.
You can't argue with math.
Happy Monday!
This Is The Best Day EVER!
(In case you missed it, this is called "sarcasm.")
I respect my elders.
Although, at MY age, it's getting harder to find any.
I don't mind my ex always having to have the last word.
What I mind is how long it takes her to GET to the last word.
Autocorrect can go straight to he'll.
Is it possible to still enjoy the Sisteen Chapel if you haven't seen chapels one through fisteen first?
Fake News Reports!
At Bush 41's funeral services, when I was paying my respects to the five living presidents in attendance, while Bill distracted me from the front, Hillary tried to steal my wallet from behind.
Fake News Reports!
Everyone was moved at Bush 41's funeral services when Hillary broke down over the coffin, crying hysterically.
The mood changed, however, when it was discovered that was just a cover for her trying to steal the gold fillings out of the dead president's mouth.
Fake News Reports!
WHO Are The Three RICHEST Celebrities?
George Lucas!
Steven Spielberg!
Oprah Winfrey!
Each Worth Billion$!
And they all think YOU should pay more in taxes.
American Chimpanzee

Sunday, January 6, 2019

The Year In Review

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine
They don’t make westerns and war movies the way they used to, but you can always count on Sylvester Stallone to come out with another Rocky movie.
    Recently, my wife and I took my father to see Creed 2, and I'm not just saying that because the Italian Stallion paid me to. As we were waiting for the movie to start, my wife offered me a gummy bear. I took a few because they're my favorite. Don't ask me why.
    As I was chewing on one, enjoying every gummy morsel, I made the mistake of inhaling. When I inhaled, the candy got sucked in with the oxygen and lodged in my windpipe... sort of. It would have lodged completely if I had followed my first instinct to gasp in a huge lung-full of air, but I didn't. Instead, to dislodge the almost-stuck candy, I tried to expel what little air I had. It wasn't a whole lot, but it was enough. It pushed the little booger out of the way enough for me to take a careful breath and then cough the rest of the candy out. It wasn’t jammed in there, but it would have been if I had panicked.
    My wife, meanwhile, saw what was happening and gave me a couple of whacks on my back, but by that time the worst was over.
    "That was scary," she said.
    "For me, too," I admitted.
    "Yeah," my father agreed, his mouth full of popcorn, "I was afraid I wouldn't get to see the movie."
    When my phone rang, the last thing I expected was to hear my daughter crying on the other end. She hasn’t been married for very long, and she and her husband had just had their first big fight and she wanted to come home.
     It broke my heart, but I told her she was home.
    I was out with my grandson the other day. We were at Sears, looking at what lawn equipment might be on sale. He pointed to a shiny new lawnmower. It was fire engine red.
     "You should get one of those,” he said.
    “I already have one,” I told him.
     "You do?"
     “Yeah... YOU!”
    Sometimes taking my father to his various doctor appointments is a chore. On this occasion, my wife was with us because there were other things we needed to get done. It was pretty obvious that I was having trouble finding the street the doctor’s office was located on, but my wife was kind enough not to mention it.
    When I finally found the office, I said, “Whew! I didn't know how to get here.”
    “I don’t believe that for a second,” my wife told me.
    “Why not?”
    “Because you certainly know how to get everywhere when I’M driving.”
    The forecast said rain.
    Personally, I didn’t think so, but my father disagreed. Pointing out the window, he told me, “Son, those are some serious clouds out there.”
    “Those aren’t cirrus clouds,” I answered him, misunderstanding. “They’re cumulus.”
    Giving me the stink eye, my father did his best impression of Tuco from The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly, and said, “There are two kinds of clouds in the world, my friend. Those that are serious, and those that aren’t.”
    I know we live in the time of Uber, but my father and I were doing my buddy Maloney a favor and dropping him and his family off at the airport. Thanksgiving is one of the busiest times of the year to travel, so the porters were overwhelmed and Slip, his nickname at work, wasn’t able to get the attention of one to help them with their luggage.
    “Oh, man,” he whined, “we’re going to miss our flight.”
    “Let me have a twenty,” my father told him.
    Maloney hesitated, but Slip's mother-in-law gave him a quick elbow to the ribs.
    “Give it to him,” she ordered, and then gave my father a flirtatious smile.
    Though surprised, Maloney opened his wallet. Pulling out a twenty, he handed it over.
    My father raised it in the air.
    Almost immediately, we had three skycaps running over to help us.
    My wife is an excellent cook, but somehow, on my birthday, the cake she had made for me was crumbling badly, even with her best attempts to hold everything in place with frosting.
    “Hey, that cake’s just like you,” my father told me when he saw it. “It’s falling apart.”
    I don’t know why, but my father likes to go shopping with us. Not so much with me, but with my wife. I think it’s because my wife never tells him no when he wants to toss some useless item that he’ll never use or eat into our cart.
    The line we were in wasn’t long, especially compared to the other lines, and two older ladies looking to save time were making their way to us.
    “That one looks good,” one lady told the other, nodding in the direction of my father.
    “Sorry, ladies” my father said, “I’m married.”
Line up at,, or @JimDuchene for free laughs.