Friday, January 18, 2019

Dear John: Special Not A Stalker Edition!

Hard Core Advice
From Hard Core’s Hardest Core...
John Leslie!
Dear John,
     I am in my 80s.
     From time to time, when I have tried to contact a dear friend or distant relative, I find that they have recently passed away.
     Don't you think it would be a good idea for older people to make a short list of people we want contacted in case of a serious illness or death?
     So many times our survivors have no idea who some of our friends are or how to contact them.
Dear Caring,
I 've seen their lists, and you weren't on them.
Dear John,
     I have been married to a loving and supportive man for 15 years. We have been through a lot together and, for the most part, have been OK. My problem is my son, "Kyle."
     Yes, I know Kyle is a liar, and, yes, he needs help for his drug habit... but he is still my son!
     My husband told me I either need to tell Kyle he is not welcome in our home or our marriage is over, so I gave him back my wedding ring. I refuse to tell my son he can no longer come over and steal from us.
     What do I do now?
     I don't want to lose my husband, but I refuse to lose my worthless son as well.
Dear Torn,
If your son went from being a drug user to being a drug dealer, he'd be a business entrepreneur, and entrepreneurs are welcome everywhere.
Dear John,
     I recently graduated from college, and I had difficulty finding employment. However, I was just offered a position far better than anything I could have asked for. The problem is my partner, "Bruce."
     Bruce graduated a semester before I did, and he's still without a job. He applies for dozens of jobs a day, gets at least one interview a week, nd then he never hears from them again. He has become increasingly frustrated about his inability to find employment in his field, and recently has been projecting his frustration on our relationship.
     I want to be able to celebrate my accomplishment with my partner. I need Bruce's support for me over this new position, but I'm torn because every time I tell him a new detail about it, he punches me in the face.
     What can I do"
Dear Working,
Tell him to get over it.
Confidential to Not A Stalker:
I've called the police, and they know who you are.
American Chimpanzee

Friday, January 11, 2019

The Week In Tweets: Special Belated Edition!

President Obama (about business owners): "You didn't do that!"
President Trump (about President Trump's accomplishments): "I did that!"
Before you say something that will hurt another person's feelings, first think about it, then think about it again...
...then don't.
Oh, look!
ANOTHER glorious Monday!
...makes me sick.
Fake News Reports!
Harvey Weinstein Presents!
Trumpenstein Versus The Obamonster!
WHO will win on Election Tuesday?
I'm not saying my ex is fat, but, when she loss ten pounds, it was like cutting the tail off a cow.
"Here you go, sir. A double scoop of Ben & Jerry's Pecan Resist ice cream, which honors Democrats' most cherish principles."
So the American Taxpayer will be paying for it?
The Sierra Blanca Border Patrol checkpoint.
If their intention is to back up freeway traffic on I-10 East for half and hour, then they're doing a good job.
My father always said, "Put your eggs in one basket, and then watch that basket."
My father.
He never had money, but he always had eggs.
Good things come to those who wait.
Of course, waiting gets old pretty quick.
Success 101
If you ever need a helping hand, it's at the end of your arm.
Fake News Reports!
California Wildfires!
Over 30 Dead!
Over 200 Missing!
And with the president in Paris, there's no way to blame it on Trump!
"But we'll find a way," Fake News promises.
Fake News Reports!
Caitlyn Jenner Loses Home To The California Wildfires!
"Sorry, but you're thinking about my hoo-hah," the former Bruce Jenner says.
Fake News Reports!
Miley Cyrus Loses Home To The California Wildfires!
"I'm one of the lucky ones," she says. "My animals, the love of my life, and my pot all survived."
My wife will follow me to the end of the earth.
Unfortunately, that's where my other wife lives.
I know some people have nothing to say, but why does it have to take so long to find that out?
The Three Things I Want Out Of Life:
1) Love
2) Respect
3) Acceptance
...but I'll settle for a pizza.
When it snows, you have two choices: mope or make snow angels.
My dad says I'm lucky because I'm a kid and I don't have to worry about work or bills or taxes or insurance or home maintenance or car payments or...
...but I sure do have to listen to a lot of complaining.
Fake News Reports!
White House Thanksgiving Turkey PARDONS President Trump!
100% of my problems occur while I'm awake, so I'm going back to bed.
You can't argue with math.
Happy Monday!
This Is The Best Day EVER!
(In case you missed it, this is called "sarcasm.")
I respect my elders.
Although, at MY age, it's getting harder to find any.
I don't mind my ex always having to have the last word.
What I mind is how long it takes her to GET to the last word.
Autocorrect can go straight to he'll.
Is it possible to still enjoy the Sisteen Chapel if you haven't seen chapels one through fisteen first?
Fake News Reports!
At Bush 41's funeral services, when I was paying my respects to the five living presidents in attendance, while Bill distracted me from the front, Hillary tried to steal my wallet from behind.
Fake News Reports!
Everyone was moved at Bush 41's funeral services when Hillary broke down over the coffin, crying hysterically.
The mood changed, however, when it was discovered that was just a cover for her trying to steal the gold fillings out of the dead president's mouth.
Fake News Reports!
WHO Are The Three RICHEST Celebrities?
George Lucas!
Steven Spielberg!
Oprah Winfrey!
Each Worth Billion$!
And they all think YOU should pay more in taxes.
American Chimpanzee