Herman Cain can take criticism. He just takes it to the next level, which is death.
Herman Cain can turn back time simply by focusing his intense eyes and staring it down.
Herman Cain can fill out his tax forms with just his name and not have to pay his taxes.
Herman Cain can stare at you until you explode.
Herman Cain can tell you what happened to the unicorns. They were delicious.
Herman Cain can end his relationships by honestly saying "It's not me, it's you."
Herman Cain can drink gasoline and get 78 miles per gallon.
Herman Cain can punch you so hard you'll fly into the future and land at the feet of President Palin.
Herman Cain can swallow an Occupy Wall Street protester whole, and the end result will be a Navy Seal.
Herman Cain can finally take credit for killing Osama bin Laden. Seal Team Six? They're a bunch of liars.
Herman Cain can can make sweet love to your mom, while your dad enjoys the pizza Herman Cain brought him.
Herman Cain can get jiggy with Miss Piggy, leaving Kermit the Frog green with envy.
Herman Cain can deny ever having sex with your woman, and, if you don't believe him, he can also repeatedly punch you in the face until you do.
Herman Cain can take your virginity. If you're not a virgin, he can still do it. It'll just take him a little longer.
Herman Cain can have anyone he wants. Yes, even you.
Herman Cain can only achieve orgasm by crushing his enemies, seeing them driven before him, and hearing the lamentations of their women.
Herman Cain can do things three ways: the right way, the wrong way, and the Herman Cain way. The Herman Cain way makes the other two unnecessary.
Herman Cain can strangle you with one hand, and satisfy your woman with the other.
Herman Cain can charge any electrical device just by rubbing it on the top of his head.
Herman Cain can tell you where babies come from. If you're a woman, he'll show you.
Herman Cain can power a small city with the static electricity in his hair.
Herman Cain can create a rainbow by sheer force of will.
Herman Cain can give an angel its wings by ringing a bell. Your woman's bell.
Herman Cain can put pepperoni on your pizza. Or onions. Or the heads of your enemies.
Herman Cain can smile using only 17 muscles in his face. He can make your woman smile using only one.
Herman Cain can pass gas, and everybody will swear they smell freshly baked bread.
Herman Cain can have any woman as many times as he wants, but, for Herman Cain, once is enough.
Herman Cain can swallow a Rubik's Cube, and the end result will come out solved.
Herman Cain can sue TV producer Dick Wolf, because "Law" & "Order" are the trademarked names of his left and right fists.
Herman Cain can win a hot dog eating contest, and, later that night, so can your woman.
Herman Cain can make an onion cry.
Herman Cain can impregnate anybody. If you're thinking "well, he can't impregnate me. I'm a guy" you'd be sadly mistaken.
Herman Cain can eat coal, and the end result will be a diamond.
Herman Cain can eat the entire cake at a bachelor party, including the stripper.
Herman Cain can impregnate your woman, but don't try to abort the fetus. That only makes it stronger.
Herman Cain can train his dog to pick up its own poop. That's because Herman Cain doesn't take crap from anyone.
Herman Cain can always see you, but you can't always see Herman Cain. Warning! You may be only seconds away from death!
Herman Cain can proudly tell you about his two grown children. It's the other seventeen he doesn't like to talk about.
Herman Cain can put his pants on one leg at a time, just like you or me. He just takes them off more often is all.
Herman Cain can bend light and warp time. If you don't believe me, just take a look at what he did to Stephen Hawkins.
Herman Cain can remember that fateful day when he leaned against an old tower in Pisa, Italy, and...
Herman Cain can replace the entire cast of Modern Family and no one would notice. He's that good.
Herman Cain can shoot a plane out of the sky simply by pointing his finger and going "Bang!"
Sadly, he discovered this talent duing the Challenger launch.
Herman Cain can stop time just by sticking out the palm of his hand like a traffic cop.
Herman Cain can, when angry, radiates the heat of a thousand suns.
Herman Cain can train a dinosaur. Too bad they're extinct, or else he would show you.
Herman Cain can fit six billiard balls in his mouth. But, to tell the truth, so can any other politician.
Herman Cain can swallow art supplies and the end result would be the Mona Lisa.
Herman Cain can punch through steel... but he's sticking to his story that he had nothing to do with the sinking of the Titanic.
Herman Cain can go on Jeopardy! and beat IBM's unbeatable Watson computing system in the first category. How? By beating it to death with Alex Trebek.
Fifty Shades of Funny
*with a wink and a nod to Ian Spector, who not only talks in the third person, he sees in the third person
**send me your Herman Cain Cans