Friday, November 18, 2011

Herman Cain Can (Part Two)

Herman Cain can shatter a mirror just by looking at it.  Not even a mirror is stupid enough to look Herman Cain in the eyes.

Herman Cain can creep out a clown.

Herman Cain can give you heartburn.  With one punch to the chest, your heart will catch fire.

Herman Cain can make Death wish it was dead.

Herman Cain can use the phrase "eat my heart out," but you can't, because Herman Cain will literally eat your heart.

Herman Cain can punch you in the face.  From the inside out.

Herman Cain can break a mirror, and it's the seven years that will have the bad luck.

Herman Cain can donate a testicle to Lance Armstrong and still be twice the man you are.

Herman Cain can be bitten by a rattlesnake, and, after days of suffering, the rattler will finally die.

Herman Cain can always win a game of paper-rock-scissors.  How?  With a punch to your face.

Herman Cain can kill you in more ways than there are to die.

Herman Cain can eat a box of Alpha-Bits, and the end result will be a love letter to his beautiful wife of 43 years.

Herman Cain can have his cake and eat it, too.  And then he'll eat yours.

Herman Cain can run for the Senate in any state, and win both seats.

Herman Cain can take a driver license picture and look better than you on your best day.

Herman Cain can bring a man back to life if that man has the nerve to die before Herman Cain is done killing him.

Herman Cain can visit the Lincoln Memorial, and Honest Abe will get up just so Herman Cain can have a place to sit.

Herman Cain can look in his car's rear-view mirror, and objects will appear to him at their proper distances.

Herman Cain can beat IBM's Deep Blue computer at chess with only one move.  That move is a punch to its hard-drive.

Herman Cain can go to a zoo, and all the animals will thank God they're in cages and safe from Herman Cain.

Herman Cain can break wind, and it will stay broken.

Herman Cain can legally wear pants only by first obtaining a concealed weapon license.

Herman Cain can classify women into two types:  Those that want to sleep with him, and those that want to sleep with him again.

Herman Cain can have a heart attack, and his heart will learn the hard way not to do that again.

Herman Cain can honestly say that the only thing he's ever lost was his virginity.

Herman Cain can order a Big Mac at Burger King...  and he'll get one.

Herman Cain can turn off the bedroom light-switch and be in bed satisfying your woman before the lights go out.

Herman Cain can be the next face on Mount Rushmore, but, unfortunately, granite is not a hard enough substance to capture the hardness in Herman Cain's eyes.

Herman Cain can clog the toilet just by urinating.

Herman Cain can tell a woman "yes, that does make you look fat," and that woman will thank him for his honesty.

Herman Cain can go to bed at night and sleep like a baby.  The Boogeyman, however, stays up all night worrying about Herman Cain.

Herman Cain can find a rock too heavy for him to lift, and then he'll lift it just to show you that there's nothing that Herman Cain can't do.

Herman Cain can take criticism...  he just doesn't take it very well.

Herman Cain can communicate by thinking words into his fist, and then punching them into your head.

Herman Cain can open up a can of Whoop-Ass, and, when he looks inside, he'll just see more Herman Cain.

Herman Cain can pass any test simply by writing his name at the top of the sheet and turning it in.

Herman Cain can give Freddy Krueger nightmares.

Herman Cain can go as Herman Cain for Halloween, and he'll get twice as much candy as anyone else.

Herman Cain can bring a dead man back to life, and then immediately kill him again, just to show that what Herman Cain giveth, Herman Cain can taketh away. 

Herman Cain can explain why there are no longer any dinosaurs.  "See that dent in its skull?  It's the exact shape and size of my fist."

Herman Cain can look at you, and, if he even thinks about Jesus, you'll be saved.
Fifty Shades of Funny


*with a wink and a nod to Chuck Norris, who has never used a question mark in his entire life

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