Friday, November 11, 2011

Why El Paso?

I learned an interesting fact the other day as I was surfing that Devil's Playground known as the internet, and, as we all know, if it's on the internet it must be true.  The fact was this:  men are good at following orders.  Women, however, seem to need an exceptional amount of discussion before they decide to do something they're not supposed to do.  Any man who's received a gift from a woman knows this to be true.  They'll give you what they think you want, rather than what you actually want.
     I remember once receiving a Teddy Ruxpin talking bear as a gift from my 2nd wife.  Why she thought I would like this children's toy is beyond me, since I had never shown a desire for a stuffed animal before, much less one that talks.
     "I thought you would like it," she told me.
     "Why would you think that?"  I asked her, honestly perplexed.
     "Well, you like robots," she answered, and immediately started crying, thus ending any potential argument.
     I have no idea why she thought I liked robots, either.  Maybe I once said in passing that I liked a particular movie that happened to have a robot in it, but, to tell the truth, I like talking stuffed animals even less than I like robots, and that's pretty low on my scale of likes and dislikes. 
     Personally, I think she bought me the darn thing for two reasons:  First, she bought it because she knew it would irritate me.  Second, she wanted it for herself.  Later, when we divorced, she took the bear and left the kids.  Go figure.
     The reason I found this internet factoid so interesting was because I saw it as a great way to sell El Paso to tourists and businesses.  I called my friends at the Sterling Cooper Advertising Agency, and they thought it was a great idea, too.  Don't try to convince or beg anyone to come here...  TELL THEM!  And if they're men, they'll obey, because obeying orders is what men do best, just ask the Nazis.  As for women... just have to tell them that they'll get a great tan here.

     Why El Paso?  Because I Said So!  See?  Didn't you immediately want to get up and go to El Paso, only to remember that you were already here?

     Come To El Paso!  And I Mean NOW!  "Come to El Paso" is an order in itself, and as for the "I mean now," well, it always worked for my dad.

     El Paso!  Don't Make Me Come And Get You!  I think that's self-explanatory.

     If our city council doesn't adopt this tough-love advertising proposal, I don't know what they'll do.
     Besides raising our taxes again, that is.
Fifty Shades of Funny


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