Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Obama's Campaign Song

President Obama--the man who once saved my life in 'Nam--has an ace in the hole in the upcoming presidential elections, and I'm not talking about who the Republicans picked for their candidate (I'm not saying their choice was poor, but it used to go to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other people's fingers.).  That ace, my fellow 98%, is Darrin Stevens from the McMann & Tate Advertising Agency.  Mr. Stevens has been in the advertising business since the 60's, and was the creative force behind such successful advertising campaigns as Baby Bye-Bye, the happily aborted fetus.
     "Thank you, mommy," Baby Bye-Bye's tagline was.  "I'm with Jesus now."
     And Jesus, standing beside her, would take a deep drag from the cigarette He'd be enjoying.
     "Smoke what you are," He'd say.  "Kool."
     The ad was brilliant on so many different levels, but the most obvious was how Mr. Stevens originated the selling of two products in the same ad.  He received advertising's highest honor, the Barnum, and it was presented to him by none other than Gloria Steinem.
     "Darrin Stevens," she declared from behind the podium, "has liberated all women, and given us the freedom to murder our unborn babies, and the permission to pick up the bad habits of the men we hate."
     So, yes, Darrin Stevens is President Obama's ace in the hole, but what is Mr. Stevens' ace in the hole?
     Motown.  Yes, Motown.
     "It's genius," Darrin's boss, Larry Tate, told me.  "You know those songs that get stuck in your head and you carry them with you all day long?  How can you not help but vote for the candidate whose campaign song you find yourself humming in the voting booth?  And do you know which songs stay with you the longest?  Motown.  Yes, Motown.  It's been documented."
     "Is that so?" I asked.  "By whom?"
     "By those same researchers who studied SpongeBob SquarePants."
     Right now Larry Tate and Darrin Stevens are hard at work trying to pick out the song.  Their first choice was Give Me Just A Little More Time by The Chairmen of the Board, but, besides it not being a Motown hit, they decided it sounded a little too much like begging.
     "He does enough of that with Michelle," Mr. Tate told me, confidentially.  "Off the record, of course, right?"  He winked.
     "Off the record," I winked back.
     They've narrowed it down to the following choices:
     Never Can Say Goodbye by The Jackson Five.  Unfortunately, this whole Michael Jackson/Dr. Conrad Murray trial thing has a stench attached to it worse than the 200 pounds of human feces left behind at ground zero of Occupy Wall Street's Zuccotti Park infestation.
     Neither One Of Us (Wants To Be The First To Say Goodbye) by Gladys Knight & the Pips.  Here, the song title was too long and wordy.  Voters, as we all know, aren't smart enough to remember the whole thing.
     Ain't Too Proud To Beg by The Temptations.  While that might be true in negotiations with his wife, it wasn't considered to be very presidential.
     (I Know) I'm Losing You, also by The Temptations, was a consideration, but the Obama administration is still hopeful the economy will improve.
     I'm Gonna Make You Love Me by Diana Ross & the Supremes and The Temptations, but President Obama personally nixed this one because there was that one night in Chicago, that he hasn't told the First Lady about, when he was still a Neighborhood Watch Organizer, and Diana Ross came to town for a concert, and they...  and she...  nevermind.
     Signed, Sealed, Delivered (I'm Yours) by Stevie Wonder.  This was a strong contender, but various lobbyists and contributors to Obama's campaign consider it a conflict of interest.
     Don't Leave Me This Way by Thelma Houston.  Okay, I admit it.  It's not really being considered.  This song just reminds me of the great time I had in the disco 70's.
     War by Edwin Starr.  Nobody does it better than Obama.  Nobody.
     Sexual Healing by Marvin Gaye, because, as any pundit from Rush Limbo to Bill O'Really will tell you, America is broken, and it needs to heal.  And finally...
     If I Were Your Woman by Gladys Knight & the Pips.  Um...  maybe we'd better not go there, but it would explain the repeal of Don't Ask/Don't Tell.
     The final decision will be made after the Republicans have chosen their campaign song.  With Mitt Romney as their candidate, they might very well decide to go with:
The Tears Of A Clown by Smokey Robinson & the Miracles.

Fifty Shades of Funny


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