Herman Cain can proudly tell you all about his 2 grown children. It's the other 17 he doesn't like to talk about.
Herman Cain can take criticism... that is, if you can take Herman Cain's fist repeatedly slamming against your skull.
Herman Cain can tell you who's buried in the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier.
Herman Cain can watch 60 Minutes in just half an hour.
Herman Cain can hit a man so hard that that man's future children will be born with a fist-shaped dent in their heads.
Herman Cain can give a woman an orgasm via a third party, like UPS.
Herman Cain can go trick-or-treating, and he'll come back with a Halloween bag filled with women's virginity's.
Herman Cain can make Bill Clinton look like an amateur.
Herman Cain can leave a woman feeling satisfied with just a wink and a nod.
Herman Cain's eyes can take the place of those airport x-ray body scanners.
Herman Cain can savagely punch a man in the chest and pull out his still-beating heart. But he would never do that, because Herman Cain is not that kind of man.
Herman Cain can make Minute Rice in seconds.
Herman Cain can hit a man so hard that the shock-waves can knock a plane out of the sky. Now you know what happened to Amelia Earhart.
Herman Cain can have your woman, if he wants her. In fact, while you were reading this, he did.
Herman Cain can blow out the Eternal Flame on President John F. Kennedy's grave. But he won't. Herman Cain respects JFK too much.
Herman Cain can count to infinity and back, and still have time to pick up that hot White House receptionist.
Herman Cain can eat just one Lay's potato chip.
Herman Cain can find out who's been naughty or nice, but he'd never give that information to Santa. Herman Cain is no snitch.
Herman Cain can pick the winner of any sporting event, and be correct 100% of the time. Has Herman Cain ever gambled? That's none of you damn business!
Herman Cain can get a woman pregnant just by sitting where she once sat.
Herman Cain can let you have some of his testosterone. He has more than enough.
Herman Cain can die, go to Heaven, and if he's offered 72 virgins he'll just say: "No, thanks. I've already had my share."
Herman Cain can walk down any casino in Las Vegas, and the slot machines will give up their jackpots to him out of respect.
Herman Cain can go back and forth in time, but sees no point. He's happy where he is.
Herman Cain can honestly say he's been happily married to the same woman for 45 years. Now you know why your woman has been crying herself to sleep every night for the last 45 years.
Herman Cain can visit every house around the world on Christmas Eve, just like Santa. Only he wouldn't leave presents. He'd leave your woman satisfied.
Herman Cain can come back with a full candy bag on Halloween just by trick-or-treating at one house.
Herman Cain can go around the world in 80 days. Why does it take him so long? The women, my man. The women.
Herman Cain can fight Ali, Frazier, and Tyson to a standstill. But why would Herman Cain want to humiliate them?
Herman Cain can beat President Obama. In the 2016 presidential elections? Oh, sure. That, too.
Herman Cain can fix the economy, bring peace to the Middle East, and make sweet love to your woman all at the same time.
Herman Cain can visit The Virgin Islands, and when he leaves they'll just be called The Islands.
Herman Cain can take criticism. He just takes it deep in the forest, and shoots it in the head, Miller's Crossing-style.
Herman Cain can go to France, and the French will immediately surrender. Just in case.
Herman Cain can always win a game of paper-rock-scissors. How? While you're busy playing games, Herman Cain is busy getting busy at your house.
Herman Cain can trace his nine-nine-nine tax plan back to that hot young female consierge from Germany who kept telling him "nein-nein-nein."
Herman Cain can be the next President of the United Sates of America if he wants to. He just doesn't want to.
Can Herman Cain eat at Kentucky Fried Chicken? Of course he can, but he doesn't. He refuses to lick anybody's fingers. Even his own.
Fifty Shades of Funny
*With a wink and a nod to Ian Spector & Chuck Norris, who aren't one of the 1%. They ARE the 1%!